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After Rio Fiasco, Lochte Pursues Olympic Skate Team

Olympian Ryan Lochte training in a different type of pool for Tokyo 2020. Flickr Creative Commons.

RIO DE JANEIRO — Gold medalist swimmer Ryan Lochte waded into a big pile of Guanabara Bay feces Tuesday when he allegedly told Rio authorities he’d been robbed at gunpoint after a long night of drinking. But according to eyewitnesses—and Lochte’s own teammates—the night culminated not with a robbery, but with vandalism and a piss that stained not only a public bathroom’s walls, but the entire US Olympic team’s reputation.

After the revelations emerged Thursday, the US swimming federation put Lochte on probation, and in a written statement said that in spite of Lochte’s recent Olympic success, it would be hard to forgive such an embarrassment.

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However, just minutes after the announcement, the newly established US Olympic Skateboard Federation (USOSF) swooped in and drafted Lochte into their development team for the 2020 Summer Games in Tokyo.

In an interview with TGR, Skateboard Federation president Richard Pound said that in spite of Lochte’s “total fuck up,” the USOSF would not be subjected to the same ethical and doping standards in future Olympics as most athletic federations, so different expectations for skating athletes will apply.

“We don’t give a fuck if he pissed on the last roll of toilet paper!” Dick Pound said. “Sometimes, people get wasted, piss all over themselves, and break shit—we get it.”

We don’t give a fuck if he pissed on the last roll of toilet paper!

Renowned as a party boy when not in the pool, Lochte has always fostered a passion for skating and surfing in his free time. Still on the run from the Brazilian government, the fugitive swimmer reached out to TGR to tell his side of the story.

“I was trashed,” Lochte repented via Skype. “I regret lying to my mom, NBC, CNN, The New York Times, The IOC and Oprah— but I’m glad I can finally clear the air with The Bumion and put this whole thing behind me. To be honest, competitive swimming has really stressed me out, so I’m stoked to be switching to skating!”

According to the decorated Olympian, training for the 2020 Tokyo skate team is being held in Venice Beach, California, and thus far consists of drinking, smoking spliffs and staying out “all night, every night” for the next four years straight. 

From The Column: The Bumion

About The Author

stash member Sam Morse

TGR Editor-at-Large. author of The Ski Town Fairytale and creative behind The Bumion. Lover of steep-and-deep lines, long trails—and hot springs waiting in the distance.