Airport security footage clearly shows the pizza-thieving fugitive making his high-profile escape from Jackson Hole. Ryan Dunfee/Flickr Creative Commons photo.
Jackson locals were shocked Friday to learn that their quiet mountain hamlet had suddenly become a hotbed for theft, villainy and ski bro infighting when visiting tourist Dwight McIlCahm had his line snaked at the ski hill.
According to local reports, the drama began when the suspect, 21-year-old Dwight McIlCahm, became disgruntled when one of his Boston-based traveling buddies snaked his line in an area known as the Mushroom Chutes at a local ski area. McIlCahm had planned on totally ripping the shit out of his line, which sat ready for slaying after a fresh 21" dump only to be destroyed by his disrespectful fellow ski bro Mikey McCoughington.
The ire between McIlCahm and his crew was exacerbated throughout the afternoon due to heavy drinking at local aprés spots, in which McIICahm repeatedly tried to snake back his fellow ski bro in the line at the bar, but was repeatedly thwarted by McCoughington, whose college roommate was the bartender.
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“He just wouldn’t shut up about losing that pow shot,” McCoughington said in an interview with TGR. “If I’d known that those turns meant so much to him, I might’ve skied a different line. Actually, no... I still would'a crushed that run. It was sick!”
After a belligerent fallout with his bros, the wasted McIlCahm decided to end his trip early.
Following slurred comments accusing McCoughington of liking snowblades and skiing in jeans, McIlCahm secretly left the hotel for an idling pizza delivery vehicle left unlocked in the parking lot.
The suspect, according to eye-witness accounts, drove the pizza delivery vehicle to Jackson Hole Airport, where he bought a last-minute ticket to his native Boston and was able to avoid the baggage fees for his ski bag by tipping the desk agent with a large bacon spinach alfredo pizza with cheesy crust.
Flight attendants on the Denver-bound transfer flight confirmed that the belligerent McIlCahm had requested several antacid tablets before passing out and spilling a stolen order of Cinnastix on the passenger next to him.
All of a sudden, a flight attendant was waking me up in fucking Denver! For some reason, I have tons of grease and tomato sauce all over my shirt, and the worst heartburn I’ve ever had. After de-boarding and seeing my mug on CNN, I knew I had to hide.
While hiding from Denver International Airport security – whom Jackson Hole police had alerted to the fugitive's escape attempt – behind a large Bloody Mary at the in-airport Applebee’s, McIlCahm phoned in to TGR to share his side of the story:
“I can’t speak very loud,” the suspect whispered. “There are security officers and Pizza Hut employees running everywhere in this terminal trying to find me. To be honest, I don’t even know what happened. The last thing I remember, we were all at the Mangy Moose drinking. Then all of a sudden, a flight attendant is waking me up in fucking Denver! For some reason, I have tons of grease and tomato sauce all over my shirt, and the worst heartburn I’ve ever had. After de-boarding and seeing my mug on CNN, I knew I had to hide.”
As of press time, McIICahm had managed to escape home to his native Vermont, where he was able to grow a beard and hide amongst the local population. Jackson Hole police and Pizza Hut officials have had extreme difficulty locating McIICahm, noting that all they see around them are "trees, flannels, Birkenstocks, and Subarus. It continues to be difficult to find one white male out of such a homogenous population."
We will continue to update this fake developing story with relevant and fake details as we imagine them up.
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About The Author
stash member Sam Morse
TGR Editor-at-Large. author of The Ski Town Fairytale and creative behind The Bumion. Lover of steep-and-deep lines, long trails—and hot springs waiting in the distance.
me1617
March 21st, 2016
I think the only question that remains is how many GNAR points Mr. McIlCahm accrued in his apres-ski activities? I’ve heard those can be exchanged for bail in Jackson.
me1617
March 21st, 2016
Can’t wait for the “Making a Ski Bum” Netflix special.