Editor's Note: This is a work of satire, obviously.
The Bensons commit to a future of childless dirtbaggery. Dreamtimes photo.
MTN. TOWN, USA — A couple gave up all hopes of reproducing Friday after buying two walk-up lift tickets and a round of beers at a local ski resort instead of saving money to have a child.
Preceding the decision, happily married #Vanlife couple Tom and Mary Benson had debated having a kid for over three years, but were continually thwarted by the financial demands of powder chasing, multiple surf/dive trips to Southeast Asia—and the payments on their $120,000 Sprinter Van.
The couple also cited chronic unemployment as a leading cause of their decision.
"Yeah, we weighed our options and—given our financial situation—it was either conceive a child or buy a couple single-day walk-up tickets at our local Summit County resort," the Bensons told TGR.
The marital duo had been on the cusp of reproducing, but then it snowed 2 feet, and everything changed.
Reports indicate the marital duo had been on the cusp of reproducing, but then it snowed 2 feet, and everything changed.
“To be honest, when we first talked it through, we were leaning towards the kid, but then it snowed for the first time in a month, and we weren't going to miss the only pow day of 2017-2018,” Bill Benson said. “Unfortunately, after buying a pair of $175 weekend walk-up tickets and a round of $20 beers afterwards, there's just no way it would be fiscally responsible to bring our progeny into the world."
From The Column: The Bumion
As fall fades and snow paints the landscape, countless mountain folk begin to feel the existential tug of winter. But there’s one type of outdoor enthusiast who’s commitment trumps all the rest. Masters of the art of discomfort, these individuals are known by many names: vagrant, gypsy, transient, bohemian, but most of the time, these restless wanderers prefer their given moniker: The Dirtbag. Styling out destitution like a badge of honor, poverty hasn’t looked this good since the Buddha
Zac Efron's dream of becoming a pro-skier is temporarily on hold. While we don't actually have any evidence that he has (had?) aspirations of becoming a pro, who wouldn't want to ski for a living? Either way, the Wildcats' team captain is sadly laid up following an ACL tear. While in Park City for the Sundance Film Festival, Efron went on a guided-catskiing tour which ended in injury. Don't worry Zac, the TGR crew feels your pain and would like you to know that we're all in this together.
Those living at the fringes of the American Dream are most likely to shake up the system. And those that live to ski are decidedly living at the fringes of the American Dream. Jason Levinthal, founder of Line Skis and former CEO of Full Tilt boots, undoubtedly lives to ski. Levinthal’s dossier is, in a word, stacked: X Games athlete and medalist; twin-tip pioneer; veteran of the ski industry trenches; serial entrepreneur. But most importantly, like any self-starter with a nose for success,