tags:
Toby Koekkoek |
Teton Village, WY, United States |
the bumion |tgr satire |tgr news |tgr |ginger |cougars |cougar-hunting tips |cougar news |cougar mauling survival |cougar mauling |cougar hunting
Blindsided by the dominance of a cougar on the hunt, Toby struggles to maintain composure. Sam Morse photo.
JACKSON, Wyo. — Wildlife warnings were issued Wednesday after local super athlete and housing entrepreneur Toby Koekkoek, 24, suffered a brutal cougar mauling at a popularly-frequented Teton Village watering hole.
According to medical reports and eye-witness accounts, the onset of the pouncing was without warning and came in a flurry of tequila shots that left all parties in close proximity fuzzy on exact details.
“Those cougars came out of nowhere,” recounted TGR graphic designer Ryan Dee. “They were relentless! The older one, Monika, just started buying shots and calling Toby a pussy! I’ve never seen anything like it.”
RELATED: 8 Cougar-Hunting Tips For Mountain Town Newbies
Dee confirmed that the juiced-up Koekkoek attempted to maintain some sense of public decorum, but finally succumbed to the mauling when when one of the huntresses started unbuttoning his shirt to reveal tufts of ginger fur. The sight of the masculine display sent both cougars into a belligerent sexual stupor.
“Things escalated when Tina unbuttoned his shirt.” Dee said. “Then Monika started whispering stories about shepherds fucking goats in the highlands of her native Germany—shit got weird!”
However, not all patrons of the watering hole were amused by the erotic debauchery on full display. Several younger 20-something she-cubs were annoyed by the Cougar’s alpha dominance and sexually-liberated boldness.
“Those bitches were gross!” said 23-year-old Tiffany Anderson. “That’s not how it’s supposed to work. Giving a guy attention, buying him drinks, making him feel good about himself—fuck that!”
Catching up with the recovering ginger the next morning, the hungover Koekkoek told TGR in a Skype interview that he felt like shit, and that he was covered in scratches and welts from head to toe. But, struggling to recount details of his survival, the bedridden bro encouraged future cougar prey to stay strong and “always roll in a pack.”
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About The Author
stash member Sam Morse
TGR Editor-at-Large. author of The Ski Town Fairytale and creative behind The Bumion. Lover of steep-and-deep lines, long trails—and hot springs waiting in the distance.