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Bro Questions Self-Worth After Not Getting GoPro Footage

Social media whore Breeze Adams loses his shit and suffers an identity crisis somewhere on Teton Pass. Ryan Dee photo. 

JACKSON, Wyo. — Social media clicks were forever lost Sunday when a “malfunctioning” GoPro failed to record a snowboarder’s powder turns on Teton Pass. Lacking the footage to make friends jealous and affirm prowess within his digital peer group, the rider was ultimately left to question his self-worth existentially as a human being.

Shameless social media whore Breeze Adams, 31, had already descended over 1,000 feet in “blower conditions” when — to his horror — he realized his GoPro was not on. According to friends and eyewitnesses, Adams immediately entered the five stages of grief, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression — and much, much later, acceptance.

RELATED: NOAA Forecasting 'Shitloads' of Snow For Winter '16/17

“At first, he just couldn’t believe it,” Adams’ riding partner, Sam Rooney, told TGR. “But once he realized the truth, shit got sloppy. After about 10 minutes of belligerently cursing the snow gods, he finally just broke down sobbing — and the hate turned inward.”

According to Rooney’s account, he spent well over two hours nursing Adams out of mental and emotional anguish, patting him on the back, wiping snot off his nose — and force-feeding his grieving bro shots of whiskey. The anguished Adams was finally convinced to finish his run when Rooney promised to take out his DSLR and document the rest of the run. “That’s what friends are for,” he said.

If you do something sick in the woods, but no one’s around to see — was it sick?

But Rooney also acknowledged he understands what his friend and riding partner was going through.

“I’ve been there,” he admitted. “It’s like the old saying: ‘If you do something sick in the woods, but no one’s around to see — was it sick?’ I’m not so sure it is…”

Catching up with the drunken and still grieving Adams at the Stagecoach Saloon later that evening, The Bumion sat down with the depressed snowboarder to discuss the non-existent selfie footage, and how he planned to move forward.

“I don’t know what the fuck to do now,” Adams said. “Those were some of the dopest turns of the season, and now I have absolutely no way to show people how sick I am. Without that footie, how are my friends, family and barely-known acquaintances supposed to know that my life is way better than theirs? What am I supposed to do, just enjoy the experience? That’s fucking bullshit!”

The Bumion's interview with Adams was abruptly cut short after he received a Snapchat of someone else doing the same line he did, only later in the day, which led to a renewed bout of grief, sorrow and debilitating narcissistic woe.

From The Column: The Bumion

It’s not improtant to have a footage. What is important? Of course experience, memories. Heads up guys!

My friend Suzy and I once dropped into a tight powder chute that’s only navigable a few powdays a year: an eat-wood squeeze between two trees that you still have to nail fast enough to get some pop off the rock in between in order to clear the rocks below. I was in charge of filming from behind and Suzy stomped it, but my GoPro didn’t pick up a single frame. Now I’m not so sure it even happened…..

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