Sign In:

×

Last Step!

Please enter your public display name and a secure password.

Plan to post in the forums? Change your default forum handle here!

×
×

An Idiot’s Guide to Visiting National Parks

Editor's Note: This is a work of satire, obviously.

That beautiful moment in Yosemite before the crowds show up and all hell breaks loose. Pexels.com photo.

Summer’s here and national park season is in full swing. In case you’ve ever wondered how you should behave when visiting these rad public lands, here is a surefire guide on how to be an absolute idiot and annoy every park ranger ever:

RELATED: Woman seriously injured by elk inside Yellowstone

1. Wild animals are clearly in parks for the sole purpose of entertaining you. So, go ahead and pet them. Sure, you may end up in a hospital with serious injuries, but if you capture a killer selfie in the process, that’s all that really matters, right? 

2. When hiking, you should definitely venture off trail. It’s not like you're damaging incredibly fragile ecosystems and ignoring all the time and effort that was spent building you a nice trail. Oh or better yet? You should pick up rocks and throw them off cliffs. What person wouldn’t want to see a rock careening towards them from above?

3. At the entry gate, you should ask the ranger working the booth thousands of questions. Who cares if that’s what visitor centers are for? Going there is too inconvenient, so it’s perfectly fine to cause a traffic jam instead.

4. Now this one is must on your to-do list: you should, without a doubt, absolutely carve your name onto national landmarks. Yeah, you may be defiling the very ancient rock formations the park system was built to protect and fined thousands of dollars, but everyone needs to know YOU. WERE. THERE. Photos just aren’t enough these days.

5.  Bring on the drones! We all know your amateur videography is a top priority, so feel free to ignore the fact that flying them in national parks is not only illegal, but a total dick move. After all, rules are meant to be broken, right?

So, there you have it: five foolproof ways to put yourself in danger, put others in danger, destroy ecosystems, and just overall piss people off. Have fun out there this summer kiddos and oh - please don't be an idiot and actually do any of this. 

Play
READ THE STORY
People of the Powder Highway
Up Next Culture

People of the Powder Highway

People of the Powder Highway

A woman in a flaming red tutu and retro sunglasses offers me a plate of pigs in a blanket. Another guy, decked out in a wig and a onesie, hands me a cold Kokanee. The boombox on the tailgate blasts rock & roll. A huge cardboard sign pinned across a truck’s entire back window reads, 4:30 Crew, in giant black letters. Dogs dart past, the smell of burgers fills the air, and a pyro tower burns fresh cedar. About 75 locals are dancing and chopping wood. Just 10 minutes earlier, I stood solo at

Play
READ THE STORY
Why Does TGR Care About Climate Change?
Up Next Culture

Why Does TGR Care About Climate Change?

Why Does TGR Care About Climate Change?

Why do we care about the environment? Why do we feel it’s important to address climate change? Why is it necessary to contribute to a discussion on sustainability? RELATED: Join POW and Vote in the November Elections  Because, living in the mountains, we see climate change happening on a daily basis, right before our eyes. But most importantly, as patrons of the mountains, we have the responsibility to protect them, our winters, and our environment. “Why wouldn't TGR care about climate

Play
READ THE STORY
Jeremy Jones and Conrad Anker Call Out Jerrys in Funny New POW Ad
Up Next Snowboard

Jeremy Jones and Conrad Anker Call Out Jerrys in Funny New POW Ad

Jeremy Jones and Conrad Anker Call Out Jerrys in Funny New POW Ad

Jeremy Jones and Conrad Anker, two of the leading faces of Protect our Winters, have a new message to share: pointing out the Jerrys in Congress. Yup, the Jerrys we all know and immediately recognize on the slopes, that seem to have no idea what they are doing. In a pair of video ads made to speak to skiers and snowboarders, Jones and Anker name two politicians on the ballot this fall, California Congressman Tom McClintock, and Montana’s Matt Rosendale (running for a Montana Senate