Editor's Note: This is a work of satire, obviously.
That beautiful moment in Yosemite before the crowds show up and all hell breaks loose. Pexels.com photo.
Summer’s here and national park season is in full swing. In case you’ve ever wondered how you should behave when visiting these rad public lands, here is a surefire guide on how to be an absolute idiot and annoy every park ranger ever:
1. Wild animals are clearly in parks for the sole purpose of entertaining you. So, go ahead and pet them. Sure, you may end up in a hospital with serious injuries, but if you capture a killer selfie in the process, that’s all that really matters, right?
2. When hiking, you should definitely venture off trail. It’s not like you're damaging incredibly fragile ecosystems and ignoring all the time and effort that was spent building you a nice trail. Oh or better yet? You should pick up rocks and throw them off cliffs. What person wouldn’t want to see a rock careening towards them from above?
3. At the entry gate, you should ask the ranger working the booth thousands of questions. Who cares if that’s what visitor centers are for? Going there is too inconvenient, so it’s perfectly fine to cause a traffic jam instead.
4. Now this one is must on your to-do list: you should, without a doubt, absolutely carve your name onto national landmarks. Yeah, you may be defiling the very ancient rock formations the park system was built to protect and fined thousands of dollars, but everyone needs to know YOU. WERE. THERE. Photos just aren’t enough these days.
5. Bring on the drones! We all know your amateur videography is a top priority, so feel free to ignore the fact that flying them in national parks is not only illegal, but a total dick move. After all, rules are meant to be broken, right?
So, there you have it: five foolproof ways to put yourself in danger, put others in danger, destroy ecosystems, and just overall piss people off. Have fun out there this summer kiddos and oh - please don't be an idiot and actually do any of this.
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We're solidly into the summer months. What little skiing is left is (mostly) subpar, but that's okay! You have the next few months to dedicate to other pastimes like getting a tan, shaving regularly wearing less than three layers of clothing and regularly feeling your extremities. So in honor of the snowpack going the way of the dinosaur, here's a practical guide–from one bum to another–on how to kill all that free time you'll have now that your every waking moment isn't dedicated to gliding