Obama To Survive With Bear Grylls–Could Another Prez Do It Better?

Barack Obama will be heading into the Alaskan wilderness with Bear Grylls this week to shoot an episode of his survival show. Wikipedia photo.

It’s been all the talk around political and pop culture circles this week: Barack Obama, as part of his tour of Alaska to highlight the effects of climate change, will be joining infamous pee-drinker and survival expert Bear Grylls for an episode of his escape-the-unforgiving-wilderness reality show, Running Wild. Obama’s been big on embracing all types of non-traditional media during his presidency, and the move to shoot with Bear represents perhaps the most extreme outcome of that strategy.

While presidents have by and large been shielded from any sort of physical discomfort and threats of danger for generations, it’s hard to see Barack, who’s spent most of his adult life in cities hawking politics, bringing much to the table when it comes to skills that would help in the wilderness. Is there another President who could do it better?

Barack Obama

Obama rocking some serious bodysurfing style on vacation. AP photo.

Outdoor skills: Instagram, body surfing

Obama’s better known in athletic circles as a pick-up basketball addict or a golfer, and his lack of experience in the woods certainly won’t help him when it comes to navigating whatever extent of the Alaskan backcountry the Secret Service actually allows him to trod. He does, however, pack a strong Instagram game–a necessity for any serious adventurer–and his upbringing in Hawaii gave him the chance to develop some mean bodysurfing skills, which could come in handy in case Bear’s chosen route of navigating the wilds includes some time in frigid Alaskan waters. 

However, we guess he’ll be mostly preoccupied with talking about climate change without pointing out the terrible irony of handing Shell the keys to the Arctic so they can drill for oil only a few days ago.

George W. Bush

Dubya slaying singletrack on some buff Texas clay. AP photo.

Outdoor skills: Mountain biking, bass fishing, brush clearing

Dub-ya might be more well-known in his retirement for his burgeoning painting career, but he’s been a dedicated mountain biker for years, and even sports 40 miles of trail on his Texas ranch. He therefore knows how to navigate technical terrain, and bike repair skills like fixing flats could be parlayed into fabricating weapons or cooking utensils in the wilderness. Other ranch-based activities, like bass fishing and brush clearing, could be useful in the wild, too, although Bush’s affinity for brutally hot Texas weather means Alaska might put him well out of his element.

Jimmy Carter

Even into old age, Jimmy still knows how to knock down a quail with a gun. Tyler Jordan photo.

Outdoor skills: Farming, naval survival skills, hunting, rabbit defence, rafting, gold panning, woodworking

Jimmy Carter’s upbringing in rural Georgia meant he familiarized himself with a variety of backwoods talents growing up, from hunting and fishing to rafting, gold panning, and woodworking. Jimmy also famously fought off a “swimming swamp rabbit” during a solo fishing trip in 1979, an episode that turned into a political liability later on, but which nonetheless established his self-defense bonafides against mildly threatening wildlife.

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Carter’s experience building homes with Habitat for Humanity means he could be depended upon to whittle a shelter together no matter the environment, and, given a rifle, could also bag some turkeys and quail for sustenance. If Grylls drops the ball and the pair have to stay out in the woods for the long haul, Jimmy could rely on his hard-boiled Georgia farming experience to grow a solid crop of peanuts.

Teddy Roosevelt

Teddy gave no fucks about jumping fences on horseback, shooting big game, hunting down vigilantes, or charging heavily fortified Spanish lines. Wikimedia photo.

Outdoor skills: Horseplay, rifle skills, vigilante pursuing, sleep deprivation, infantry command, big game hunting.

It’s safe to say that no other POTUS would be better suited for a Bear Grylls episode than #26, Teddy Roosevelt, who, in a hurry to spite his cushy Roosevelt upbringing and prove his manliness, overdosed on risky outdoor ventures in pursuit of what he called “The Strenuous Life.” During a stint ranching in North Dakota, he pursued a trio of outlaws who stole his riverboat. Upon apprehending them, instead of hanging them on site, he opted to send his foreman back by boat to bring the thieves to trial, and stood guard over them for forty hours without sleep, reading Tolstoy to stay awake.

Besides a broad swath of frontier survival skills, Teddy also excelled in combat, leading the infamous Rough Riders to victory during the Spanish-American War, and even self-diagnosed himself as fit to give a 90-minute speech after being shot in the chest while campaigning for office in Wisconsin, since he wasn’t coughing up blood. He also pursued expeditions to South America and Africa, taking a break from politics–during which he kept up his toughness by boxing until he was hit so hard he went blind in his left eye–to shoot elephants and nearly die from malaria. That’s a survival resume that’ll be damn hard to top.

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stash member Ryan Dunfee

Former Managing Editor at Teton Gravity Research, current Senior Contributor, current professional hippy at the Sierra Club, and avid weekend recreationalist.