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Bro Judged By Employee at Outdoor Clothing™ Return Desk

Existential rage simmers below the surface during an Outdoor Clothing™ snowboarding jacket return. Zack X photo. 

JACKSON, Wyo. — Tempers flared and bar codes were scanned Wednesday when a routine gear return snowballed into a forum for private judgment and passive aggressive hostility. 

The event transpired at an Outdoor Clothing™ outlet when local ski bro, housing entrepreneurcougar hunter and yogi Toby Koekkoek, 24, sought to capitalize on the company’s ironclad lifetime return policy by returning a “lightly used winter shell.” But according to attending store employees present for the shameful transaction, the aged and worn ski jacket was “totally f**ked up, and smelled like piss.”

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“[Koekkoek] beat the shit out of that jacket,” Outdoor Clothing™ store manager Trevor Williams told TGR during a Skype interview. "We see this all the time. People treat Outdoor Clothing™ like it’s a lifetime gear rental co-op — I’m sick of it! If I see one more person do this, I might not recycle my next pair of polypro underwear. Don’t test me!”

Unaware that his return would cause such an uproar, Koekkoek sought to control the bad press and regain his standing as a lovable — not reviled — community ski bum.

“I only vomited on that jacket a couple times, but it was always accidental,” Koekkoek assured TGR. “I mean, it’s true — I got a lot of powder days in it, and I definitely had to stop hiking with it on because it smelled so bad, but really, it got far more use as a blanket while I was living in my car than it ever got on the hill.”

The beaten and piss-stained jacket netted [Koekkoek] approximately $1,376 in store credit. The funds were then used to purchase several pairs of corduroy pants, two fleeces and a new jacket. The leftover balance was traded to a buddy for a Phish ticket and 24-pack of Rainier.

Outdoor Clothing™ officials confirmed to TGR in a written statement that the controversial return was ultimately fulfilled. “In this trial by fire, Outdoor Clothing's™ lifetime Ironclad return policy maintained its integrity, and our customers’ ongoing loyalty was reinforced, regardless of their socioeconomic status — from dirtbag to developer,” the statement says.

Representatives from the store in question would not disclose the cash total transferred during the jacket’s return, but Koekkoek provided documentation to TGR showing the beaten and piss-stained jacket netted him approximately $1,376 in store credit. The funds were then used to purchase several pairs of corduroy pants, two fleeces, and a new jacket. The leftover balance was reportedly traded to a buddy for a Phish ticket and 24-pack of Rainier.

Following the return, managers allegedly made the jacket available to Outdoor Clothing™ employees through a Hunger Games-style environmental essay contest, where, in 500 words or less, participants had to explain how working for Outdoor Clothing™ makes them a better steward of the environment.

From The Column: The Bumion

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