Struggling Hardcore: Who am I?

[Buzzworthy]

No need to bring him into the llama lovin, I can satisfy em just fine all by myself.

[Crinkle]

Originally posted by frozenwater
wanted to post about llama lovin, and I really didn't see a way to do that without bringing both of you into it.

so are you saying 2P dresses up like a llama??












and Buzz

Originally posted by Buzzworthy
I pick nuts this weekend.

deez nutz??

[truth]

Originally posted by frozenwater
If anybody found anything offensive in this thread, please harass me about it online, and if possible bring up some of my faults.

Thanks.

Don't even get me started.

[frozenwater]

2 4 6 0 1!!!!!!!

Sorry, random Les miserable reference, but everytime I read the title of the thread, that lyric buzzes around the nether regions of my frontal lobe.

[Stoysluttie1]

I found myself thinking the very same thing that 2P mentioned but did not have the toughness to bring the situation up.

And since I lay a lot on the line, i'll lay this out. And by no means am I implying that any one of us has a substance abuse problem...be reminded of that.

I've dealt with alcohol abuse almost my entire life. I have also dealt with gmabling problems and the nastiest of all...cigarettes, so much smoking that two packs almost was not enough.

My youngest sister wasborn prematurely and weighing in at 2lbs. 12 oz. Alcohol and smoking related the docs said. Our family went through some crazy times.

It was not me that owned this problem, but I was a part of it. I lived with parents that enjoyed smoking, alcohol and gambling..the root of all evils, put into one bag, and thrown at six kids. Once the alcohol and gambling subsided, problems seemed to disappear as well. BUt as soon as consumption reared its ugly head, so did more problems. A roller coaster lifestyle we lived.

I think the 6 kids in my family all learned valuable lessons from our parents, which, by the way, are way cool and laid back, only wanting what is best for us, and to let us find our ways through life with no pressures, not even when they found my pipe or me lying under the dining room table after a night of beligerency. They encouraged me to move to Utah and kicked me in the ass when I moved to NC...because there was hardly any skiing and mountains.

Anyhow, I will second what 2P has stated to every one on the board, as well as my friends off the board.

I've heard this many o' times..."It's my party, so sure, I'll be loaded." I used to think that as well...especially on my birthdays. But now I find it more enjoyable to be sober, well, maybe a little tipsy, but not go overboard. Because the next day i would miss out on being outside playing. And now, for my birthdays....I go away...far away and only with a few people...to the desert....to the mountains..and become intoxicated by the freshness of the air, the serendipity of nature, the love and kindness of my compadres.

To me, a true celebration.

I used to think.."What if I only had Iced tea or lemonade to offer instead of a 'drink?" Would that be cool? What would people think about me not having any alcohol in the house? Could I even do that? What would life be like without partying? Without alcohol? With the herb? And the most important question...What would I be like?

The past few days I spent down in Moab enjoying the clean water of a jacuzzi, the soft, down pillows of the king sized bed, the contnental breakfast, the Eddie Mcstiffs Rasberry wheat ale. I also was able to enjoy a long, hard, slog of a bike ride.

I found myself cursing, angered. I had no clue where I was going, the way I sometimes like it. If I ride 20 miles or 50, it didn't matter. But as I climbed..and boy did I climb, I found myself near the point I found myself back in February, wondering where the love was? Where the enjoyment was? Where did my excitement go?

I thought back to this thread, thinking of what not only I had posted, but others, and the situations that some find themsleves right now. I couldn't get out of the slump. It was something to do with riding a hard, technical trail, a trail that most people shuttle cars and ride dwon..and now I know why. I constantly had to get off of my bike and hike, because i was alone, and scared to get hurt, making the matter more frustrating.

I passed a few bikers coming down, giving me strange looks as I said hello. I don't remember this trail being one way. I passed a few more.."You're going the wrong way," some dude said as he passsed by with full body armor, a bike that probably had a motor for the climb at the other end.....but at least he had a smile on his face, as I did mine.

But I wasn't there again. Damn it. Here I am in the wilderness not being able to enjoy it. Why? I forged on. More people...more than I saw all of last season biking, all going the "right way." I must have looked weird or something...somebody climbing this trail.

Finally, a friendly face..from west virginia..."where you headin?"

"To Moab." "Where's ya come frum?" Moab I responded.

Hell boy..ya know they shuttle people around here?"

I laughed because at least I wasn't on a hard tail. A good man that has been wanting to ride in my hometown for many years..the Pocomos as he called them. Truly a great place to ride.

I moved on, as did he, but in opposite directions. I climbed and climbed and climbed, cursing the uphill nad longing for the downhill. I became the person I was in a matter of an hour. What the???

But then I thought of a simple notion..."I could be working with Josh or adam. Hell...I could be working!" Oh boy did that make me feel great!!! Simple life pleasure that saved me. SOmething that some of you might find to help you out of the slump.

But I fell back into the slump a few minutes later...still climbing. But all was OK because of a little friend that I came across...a lightning yellow headed, black ringed neck, and sea torquoise body lizard, about the length of my forearm.

Staring at me as I laid my bike down, he studied me, as I studied him. I took the camera out to take a pic....He jumped...about three feet! Amazing I said, but nobody heard me. I snapped a few pics as this little man jumped from one pinnacle to the next, taking after a kangaroo. I watched the lizard for about 5 minutes wondering what his life is like...."Does he care about his destiny? Does he live for this moment? Does he even think? Why isn't he a different color, because obviously, these colors stand out against the red rock desert.

Is he awaitng his destiny...to be a red tailed hawks dinner? Is he poisonous? I moved on.

But it was then and there that everything seemed to come back to me. Everything clicked. The wind began to blow, in the wrong drong direction of course, the sun came out, the snow on the LaSals reflected the warmth of the sun, becoming a brilliant white, the red rock began to glow, just as it odes for sunset or sunrise, my legs were yurning to pedal, uphill, and more uphill, my mind erased itself and came back to me refreshed, relaxed, and reminded that life is enjoyable. Life is good. Life was back....and so was I.

[bad_roo]

That's beautiful mang (sniff)...

[Twoplanker]

Sorry about not using the PM. Personally, I would have thought this whole thread would have been a private matter, but we all work in different ways, and I assumed this was his way. You had mentioned it here already, so I thought it was ok. Plus I'm in Kazakhstan and lucky to get a connection at all, much less trying to play around with a PM. In any case, sorry.

[Twoplanker]

Originally posted by cololi
Two planker, you deserve mad props laying it on the line. Buzz, you do to, for listening. I don't know much about the situation, but I went through a substance abuse situation with a friend that didn't end in a positive manner. I approached him much like twoplanker did, but he refused to listen. despite numerous attemtps to contact him, he won't have a thing to do with me. Which sucks. I'll always keep trying and hopefully one day he will come around, but until then there is definetly a void missing.

Buzz, this is seriously one of the best threads in a long, long time.

Just to clear the air, for those of you who do not know Buzz personally The term "abuse" that I used is relative. I just think it's time he left behind the college kid party behavior. I don't want to leave anyone who doesn't personally know him with the wrong impression.

[Twoplanker]

Originally posted by Buzzworthy
I will agree with both you and 2P. Yes, I would have enjoyed a PM more, but he is trying to be a better friend and I commend him on that. Maybe he will edit that out when he can, but it is a public forum and I can't make him do anything he does not want to.

And no, you are not driving my sorry ass to drink water (wait, there is water in beer, right). There are times to cut back and times to go nuts.

I pick nuts this weekend.

I mainly need to lay off during the week, baby steps, step by step.

edit: I thought you were going to keep the llama thing a secret??

Good, because I've got some fine Czech and Kazak beers for you to sample. And some Russian vodka. Oh, and I may bring a bottle of Kazak wine. Oh jeez, I think I'm the drunk.

[Buzzworthy]

Originally posted by iceman

Face it, you've been cursed with a brain. It sucks. But maybe you'll use that brain to figure out your life one day. I'm still waiting for the day when I figure my shit out, and I'm a lot older than you.

At least in this chapter things are working themselves out. Turned 30 yesterday, saw my 9 week old baby on an ultrasound this morning for the first time (that I did not know about when I started this thread), we are moving out of Cache Valley.......I am being a better and more responsible person too.

I'm going to be a dad! That is who I am.



Ron

[bad_roo]

Why is every second fucker around here called Ron?

[Buzzworthy]

Originally posted by bad_roo
Why is every second fucker around here called Ron?

You a Ron too? Must be a ski/snowboard thing.

[Ski Beaver]

Just read this thread this morning.

Anyway, this just arrived in an email and I thought it would fit well here.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured the into the jar. He shook the jar slightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course the sand filled up everything else.


He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."


The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty spaces between the sand.

The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--those things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, your car. The sand is
everything else--the "small stuff." "If you put the sand in the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."


"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical check ups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18 holes. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

Then one of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked; it just goes to show that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers".

[shmerham]

Wow! I just read this thread. I think it's Hall of Fame worthy. Lots of good info, and its representative of the maggot spirit.

Buzz, care to give your thoughts on the past year and a half and trying to answer the questions you have/had?

[rip]

thanks for the bump, this is a great thread.

[skiguide]

Wow! I just read this thread. I think it's Hall of Fame worthy. Lots of good info, and its representative of the maggot spirit.

Buzz, care to give your thoughts on the past year and a half and trying to answer the questions you have/had?

buzz is home sick with mono (will be off work for awhile) and doesn't really have web access at home (slow ass dialup that makes browsing the board slow) so you may not get a response for awhile.

but in general, (other than this sickness shit) I'd say he's been pretty happy lately - that's why his title now says "content".

yay for buzz

[thegnar73]

whoa, lighten up big man. dont put so much pressure on yourself.
i mean its a journey remember?
take comfort in knowing that there is NO BIG ANSWER to who you are, or why you are here...the fact is, you are here. so be here now.

im 32 gonna be 33, sometimes it all makes sense, sometimes its total chaos. thats why i live to ski, those are the moments that make sense. its bluebird, you're knee deep, and no one else it out. those are the moments... and thats what life is, just a bunch of moments.

as for everything else in life, one turn at a time.

[BigDaddy]

At least in this chapter things are working themselves out. Turned 30 yesterday, saw my 9 week old baby on an ultrasound this morning for the first time (that I did not know about when I started this thread), we are moving out of Cache Valley.......I am being a better and more responsible person too.

I'm going to be a dad! That is who I am.



Ron

Weird... I just posted this in the "Padded Room" for "Blatant". Then I saw your thread. It seems you guys are having similar issues and I copied this before seeing your post above... Congrats and good luck! It's the best thing in the world and I really believe it's why we're here!

Do you have any kids? That's when it all comes together... We are here only to procreate and propogate our species. That means lots of sex and then work to support your offspring. I'm not trying to make light of your dilemma, I've been there and know exactly what you're saying, but after children, it really seems to gel! Nature knows what it's doing.... we're just here for the ride.

Edit: Opps... I didn't notice the date! How is parenthood?

[StaggerLee]

Tell Buzz to lighten up on the Cream Soda...

[Buzzworthy]

This was an interesting read for me as I had forgotten about it.

These as some goals I pulled out earlier in this thread.

1. By myself.
2. Stop trying to conform so damn much.
3. Be a better friend, just like you all have to me.
4. Pull my head out of my ass and get on my bike or hike or do something.
5. Slow the drinking and stuff (already starting, but I still have my "drugged monkey" times)
6. Kiss my beautiful wife and tell her how much she means to me.
7. Figure out where I want to be in 5 years (job, ski days, kids??, own house, ......)


No more "by myself", I have a wonderful wife who now has her PhD in Psychology and is gainfully employed as well as a beautiful daughter.

I have learned more confidence since this last bout of uncertainty. I am not afraid to say no anymore to people (especially work).

I can always be a better friend and have gained many from here and elsewhere.

While I have pulled my head out of my ass, I have also thought about the things I truely enjoy and what I have been doing cause I used to.
Biking just does not do it for me anymore, at least mtn biking. I have a circa 1992 mtn bike that has seen better days and is really a killer on my back. When it gets a bit nicer, lots of time will be spent on my new motorcycle, pictures to come once I am healthy and back to a normal internet speed.

The college party kid mentallity still occasionally rears it ugly head, but I am simply a beer man now, who tends to stay on the safe side. It is a wonder what a clear head can do for you. I think the SLC Utards can attest, as they did not see me much on the SLC ski movie tours or many parties this year. It was time to take control or go out of control.

I have a lovely 14 month old daughter and I am a very proud father. Everyday brings many smiles.


Am I still struggling, a bit, sure. On my five year plan, I have made some significant goals. I won't put them all here, but I have been going after other things as my job was going in a direction I did not want it to, eastward. Yes, I am moving up the ladder, which is a good thing. The ladder is heading east though, not where I want to be. I left PA/WV for the West for a reason.

As very few know, I did something about this, was promised the world and then offered much, much less. This hurt the pride a bit, it was a position I wanted, as this has been months in the making and then a crap offer comes in. So I got a bit down. Then it would not go away. Hit the doc and now am off work for a few long weeks with a positive mono spot test. I mean, we were going somewhere we really wanted, we had initial plans to buy a house...... oh well, you take a lick but keep on tickin.

Life has its ups and downs and reading through this I have seen a large change in myself and the way I think and respond.


Doing all I can to get my health back so I can get back to work, change the direction my work is going, get in some spring touring, get on my new motorcycle, summer plans to include a weekend trip a few hours north to see a good friend that I need to keep in better touch with, some backpacking (now with our family ) and just time to spend more time with what means the most to me anymore, family. My daughter is my world (and just Sat made my world into two stories, the stairs are her favorite thing now )


From age 30 to almost 32, I have learned to roll with the punches life throws at you much better.


Now time for a nap. This crap just sucks the life right out of you.

[Ireallyliketoski2]

Look to the mayonaisse jar filled with golf balls, there you will find your answers.

[GreenRun]

You should spend a few days ripping pow on your own...skiing lines that you've always wanted to ski and become one w/the mountian. It's the best way to figure things out. When life looks like an uphill battle, just go ski some powder it's the best way to focus.

[skibe]

Now time for a nap. This crap just sucks the life right out of you.

Naps are good dude. Kids are awesome and for some people exactly what they need to take that next step in ones life. good to hear you're enjoying life.

[Monique]

Buzz: It's kind of amazing to see this thread for the first time, having met you a couple of months ago when you were so stoked talking about your daughter...I am glad you got through 30 to such a good place with your family and friends.

[glademaster]

The rare 10+ year bump, but there's a lot of good advice in this thread. I'm a few months shy of 28 and am confronting many of the same issues.