The most offensive joke thread

**Professor Chaos** · 10-31-2007, 01:44 AM

And one more.

One day a business man gets a call from his boss that hes been selected to represent the company at a giant expo out of the city.

The man, already in suspicion of his wife cheating and knowing that he will be gone for a full week, decides to buy his wife a dildo while hes gone to help her satisfy herself.

So a couple of days before hes about to take off for his trip he walks in a sex shop and goes up to the man behind the desk. He tells him that hes about to go away for a week on business and wants the best dildo money can buy for his wife while hes gone.

He goes through a few asking which one is best, to which all the clerk tells him theyre crap. So he stops looking and starts asking to clerk to recommend one. The clerk seeing that the man is serious reaches down under the counter and pulls out a box. He opens it revealing just a plain, simple looking dildo. The man asks the clerk "Whats so special about that one? It doesnt look fancy, in fact it looks like the worst one in your shop". The clerk simply replies "Just watch and see" and with that said he says "Dildo, the door".

The dildo suddenly springs to life and rockets to the mail slot in the door, thrusting itself into it like a madman. It continues to fuck the mailslot with the door nearly shaking off its hinges and just as the clerk calls for it to stop it makes a crack running down the middle of the door.

The man, knowing this will more than satify his wife, takes the dildo without question.

So on the day of his departure he leaves the dildo on his bed for his wife with written instructions of how to use it.

The wife, not really initially interested, comes home from work one day exausted. As she settles down for the night she starts feeling horny and decides to give the dildo a shot. She starts playing with herself and as shes getting warmed up she pulls out the dildo and says "Dildo, my pussy". Not knowing its power, it startles her as it spring to life and starts going to work, sliding itself in and out of her wet hole.

After a while, she decides shes had enough, but stupidly the man forgot the spell to make it stop and never wrote it down. She starts trying to get it to stop by saying "Dildo, stop" and "Dildo, enough", but nothing seems to work. So she gets into get car and decides to go to the hospital. She starts putting her clothes on, strugling as the dildo still going, keeps making her have orgasms.

She gets into her car and starts driving down the road, swirving into and out of opposing traffic and driving onto the sidewalk while she tries to deal with the orgasms as the dildo is still pumping away. She eventually gets pulled over and as the cop asks her some questions she tells him that she has a magic dildo fucking her and she doesnt know how to stop it.

The cop, of course, thinking shes crazy looks down at her and with a smartass remark says "Magic dildo, my ass!"

**cab9** · 10-31-2007, 02:00 AM

What sound does a baby make in a microwave?
I don't know, I was too busy jerking off.........

**Rasputin** · 10-31-2007, 02:10 AM

Originally Posted by Nanuq

What's red and orange and looks good on nanuq?

Fire.

Or, how do you get a nanuq off a swing?

Hit him in the head with an ax.

Nanuq

There, now it isn't a bigoted generalization of violence that could be applied to any race or social group. It's specific to you. Shitstain.

**Rasputin** · 10-31-2007, 02:18 AM

Now for my tasteless joke, which I planned to post before Shitstain pissed me off:

What do you call someone who weighs four-hundred pounds with a yeast infection?

A double whopper with cheese.

**Caucasian Asian** · 10-31-2007, 07:37 AM

OK. Enough of you fuckers saying "i'm not a racist, but,".
I'll say it. I enjoy a good racist joke. I enjoy tasteless jokes. I enjoy horrible jokes aboot pedophiles and dead babies and Hellen Keller. They make me laugh. They play on stereotypes and they're funny. Lighten up. This is a great thread. I haven't laughed this much since the "What not to do with Altoids" thread. So here are some of my favorites:

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walken.

What's the the difference between Jesus Christ and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

Whats the best thing about raping a 12-year old orphan girl?
She can't tell her parents afterwards.

What do you call fifty Puerto Ricans holding hands?
A Spicket fence.

**Power_Sauce** · 10-31-2007, 07:44 AM

How do you make a 5 year old boy cry twice?

Wipe the blood on his teddy bear.

**JerseyDave** · 10-31-2007, 07:51 AM

What's the worst thing about eatting bald pussy. Getting the damn diaper off.

**funkendrenchman** · 10-31-2007, 08:32 AM

Have you guys heard about the racist sprinkler system?

It goes Spic, Spic, Spic, Spic, chink!... nigga,nigga,nigga,nigga

**Blurred** · 10-31-2007, 08:42 AM

Originally Posted by Caucasian Asian

OK. Enough of you fuckers saying "i'm not a racist, but,".
I'll say it. I enjoy a good racist joke. I enjoy tasteless jokes. I enjoy horrible jokes aboot pedophiles and dead babies and Hellen Keller. They make me laugh. They play on stereotypes and they're funny. Lighten up. This is a great thread. I haven't laughed this much since the "What not to do with Altoids" thread. So here are some of my favorites:

That's why I hate PC types. They haven't realized that in most cases humor is someone else misfortune. That's why it's funny. That's why the PC types can suck my dick. You're sucking the life out of humor, put those lips to good use.

What's long, black and smelly?

The unemployment line.

What are 3 things you can't give a black guy?

Black eye, fat lip, and a job.

Little girl walks into the bathroom in the morning and sees her Dad taking a shower. She points at his penis and says "Daddy, what's that"?

Dad says, "you're gonna find out when your Mom leaves for work".

**NashBoarder** · 10-31-2007, 09:00 AM

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead black kid?

Most people know this joke as, "there are skid marks in front of the dog"

My friend used to tell it as, "the dog had a soul".

**smallAXE10** · 10-31-2007, 09:05 AM

Q: How are Redneck children taught to put on their underwear?

A: Yellow in front, brown behind!

**smallAXE10** · 10-31-2007, 09:06 AM

Q: Whats a weiner?

A: The first person across the finish line at a Mexican track meet!

**Boomer28** · 10-31-2007, 09:10 AM

Q: Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with her right hand?

A: So she can scream with her left.

**squirrelmurphy** · 10-31-2007, 09:31 AM

Whats the worst part about eating vegetables?

Getting them back in the wheelchair when you're done.

**Blizzard7763** · 10-31-2007, 09:37 AM

Not quite so dirty, but,

What do you call a dog with no back legs and steel balls?

Sparky.

**Caucasian Asian** · 10-31-2007, 10:29 AM

Originally Posted by BlurredElevens

That's why I hate PC types. They haven't realized that in most cases humor is someone else misfortune. That's why it's funny. That's why the PC types can suck my dick. You're sucking the life out of humor, put those lips to good use.

Damn right.

How is spinach like anal sex?

It's really hard to enjoy it as an adult after you're forced to have it as a child.

**likwid** · 10-31-2007, 10:37 AM

What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?

You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.

**Andy_B** · 10-31-2007, 10:39 AM

Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?

A: Cancer.

**MrZach** · 10-31-2007, 10:43 AM

Originally Posted by arbuckle

whats the difference between 10 dead babies and a Cadillac?

I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

In your cockgarage!?!?

**killclimbz** · 10-31-2007, 10:45 AM

Q: Whats the definition of relative humidity?

A: While you're butt fucking your sister, you see the sweat trickle down her back.

**likwid** · 10-31-2007, 10:45 AM

Why don't men trust women?

Would you trust anything that bled for three days and didn't die?

**TyWebb** · 10-31-2007, 10:45 AM

Did you know that ducks die after having sex? Well at least the one I fucked did.

**Andy_B** · 10-31-2007, 10:48 AM

Q: What's the best thing about an Ethiopian blowjob?

A: You know she'll swallow!

**Andy_B** · 10-31-2007, 10:58 AM

"Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!"

"That's the least of your problems. You have AIDs."

Edit: Page Bottom. Bitches.

**MrZach** · 10-31-2007, 10:59 AM

Originally Posted by Rasputin

There, now it isn't a bigoted generalization of violence that could be applied to any race or social group. It's specific to you. Shitstain.

Originally Posted by Rasputin

Now for my tasteless joke, which I planned to post before Shitstain pissed me off:

What do you call someone who weighs four-hundred pounds with a yeast infection?

A double whopper with cheese.

What's even funnier that that!?

The story of Rasputin's penis

(yes, it's SFW)