Funny Joke-

[Blurred Elevens]

Subject: Uncle Frank...
>
> > >
>
> > > ((( ring )))
>
> > > ((((((((((( ring-g-g-g-g)))))))))))
>
> > >
>
> > > ***pick up***
>
> > >
>
> > > "Hello?"
>
> > >
>
> > > "Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mommy near the phone?"
>
> > >
>
> > > "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"
>
> > >
>
> > > After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,
>
> > > honey!"
>
> > >
>
> > > "Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"
>
> > >
>
> > > "Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone,
>
> > > run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and
>Uncle
>
>
> > > Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."
>
> > >
>
> > > "Okay, Daddy!"
>
> > >
>
> > > A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
>
> > > "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
>
> > >
>
> > > "And what happened?" he asks.
>
> > >
>
> > > "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
>ran
>
> > > around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out
>the
>
>
> > > front window and now she's all dead."
>
> > >
>
> > > "Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
>
> > >
>
> > > "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared
>
> > > and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool ... but he
>must
>
> > > have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so
>he
>
> > > hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."
>
> > >
>
> > > ***long pause***
>
> > >
>
> > > ***more pause****
>
> > >
>
> > > Then Daddy says,
>
> > >
>
> > > "Swimming pool????
>
> > >
>
> > > Is this 555-7039?"

[powderhound]

yeah these things >>>>>>> are facking hilarious
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>

[Samwich]

heard it. Morbidly hilarious.

Let's turn this into a joke thread.

Upon his final judgement, a man gets sent to Hell. Having arrived, he cowers in a corner, attempting to escape notice. Soon, despite his efforts, a horrible fire breathing demon walks over to him and commands him to stand up. He asks why the man was hiding. "Why do you think I'm hiding? I'm in HELL! I'm scared shitless!" The demon replies, "Oh, it's not that bad. You're a sinner, right? You must be, or you wouldn't be here. Do you like drinking?"
"Well, yeah..." replies the man.
"Great! You'll love mondays. Do you like smoking?"
"Yeah, I do!" says the man, perking up a bit.
"Fantastic, you'll enjoy Tuesdays. How about drugs?"
"Well sure, who doesn't like drugs?"
"This is looking better and better for you! You're gonna like Wednesdays a lot! Are you gay?"
"No, not at all."

"You're gonna HATE Thursdays."

[tonghands]

This duck walks into a drugstore, buys some chapstick, and says "put it on my bill".

[Blurred Elevens]

>"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
>"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
>"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
>"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
>
>"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
>
>"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
>So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
>
>"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
>"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
>Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! Is THAT the word??!"



======================================


A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in
>Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local
>brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam,
>"Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
>"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
>"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."
>Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off
>down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
>His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam
>responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House." The man asked, And if I
>pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?" The girls get $80.00 and the
>house gets $20." That's more like it!!!" the UAW man said. He handed the
>Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly
>attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night." " I'm sure you would,
>sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the
>corner,"but Ethel here has Seniority."

==========================================


Hung Chow calls in to work and says,
> > > Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick.
> > >
> > > I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not
> > >come work."
> > > The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need
> > >you today.
> > >
> > >When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her
> > > give me sex.
> > >
> > > That makes everything better and I go work. You
> > > try that."
> > >
> > > Two hours later Hung Chow calls again:
> > > Boss, I do what you say and I feel great.
> > > I be at work soon.You got nice house."


===========================================


Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there was a good logical reason for removing the Ten Commandments monument from the Alabama Supreme Court building and all other government buildings.
>
>You cannot post things like "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

[Samwich]

It's late on a Friday night, and this man is in a bar, drunk as fuck. He throws up all over his shirt, and starts getting really worried.
"What am I gonna do, guys? My wife just bought me this shirt. She's gonna kill me!"
His friend replies, "Just put $20 in the pocket, and when you go home tell your wife that some guy threw up all over you and gave you money to pay for the shirt."
Happy with that response, the man goes on drinking. When he gets home, his wife is angry about the shirt. When the man shows her the $20 and explains the situation, she gets a little calmer. Then she asks, "Well, why is there $40 sticking out of your back pocket?"

"Oh, the guy shit my pants, too."

[Samwich]

Originally posted by tonghands
This duck walks into a drugstore, buys some chapstick, and says "put it on my bill".

A duck walks into a pharmacy and buys a condom. The pharmacist says, "Do you want me to put this on your bill?"

The duck responds, "Hey, I'm not that kind of duck!"

[Blurred Elevens]

How do you fit four fags on a barstool?





Flip it over.

[MacDaddy]

What did "THE" Duck say to the Prostitute?


put it on my bill

[jibij]

the differences between a hooker, a mistress and a wife:

hooker: "faster, faster!"
mistress: "deeper, deeper!"
wife: "biege... i think i'll paint the ceiling beige."

[tonghands]

Why did they invite the mushroom to the party? Because he's a fun guy.

That's funny because, you know, it sounds like "fungi", is why that's funny. Ah, screw you guys...

[Lumpy]

Horse walks into a bar, sits down, and says to the bartender...

"I'll have a beer."

Bartender says,

"Sure pal, but why the long face?"

[phUnk]

A guy walks into a bar.

Which is funny, because you think he would have seen it there.

[AntiSoCalSkier]

An accountant, an artist, and an engineer are discussing whether it is better to have a wife or a mistress. The accountant says that it's much better to have a wife because you get a second income in the houshold without doubling expenses. The artist argues that it is far better to have a mistress because there is so much more passion in a relationship like that. Finally the engineer says that it's best to have both. That way each thinks you're with the other, so you can go to the office and get some work done.

You can also substitute skier for engineer and slopes for office.

[schuss]

a dyslexic walks into a bra.

[powderhound]

Originally posted by phUnk
A guy walks into a bar.

Which is funny, because you think he would have seen it there.

i laugh every time i read that

City Slicker walks into a crowded bar in Montana
>
Bartender says>>Boy what you doing here?
>
Guy says>>>I'm a taxidermist.
>
Bartender confused>Ta, Ta, Taxidermist, What's that?
>
Guy>>>I mount animals.
>
Bartender loudly>>>OK boys, He's one of us!!

<<<>>>

[fridge]

Two gay guys are having sex in a burning house. Which one gets out first?

The guy on the bottom, because his shit's already packed.

[DJSapp]

A penguin is driving through Arizona and the oil light comes on. He pulls over at the first service station he comes to and the mechanic starts checking it out. The penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street, and goes in since he's really hot. He orders vanilla in a bowl and dives in with his beak since he can't hold a spoon. After he finishes, he walks back to the repair shop. The mechanic sees the penguin coming and says "Looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin reached for a towel "No, it's just ice cream."

[Alkasquawlik]

Why do they call it P.M.S.???
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
Cause Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

[girlski0912]

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball????

Gagged...

[boarderline]

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?







The wheelchair.

[bluewood_skier]

What nationality are you when your wizzin in the ocean?
-European!!.....get it ur a peein...

hahahahahahahahahahaha

[Crinkle]

A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked,
"Say there, whatcha doin' with that pig?"
"That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly. ""That's a duck."
"I know," replied the drunk. "I was talking to the duck."

[ak_powder_monkey]

Originally posted by Blurred Elevens
>"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
>"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
>"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
>"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
>
>"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
>
>"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
>So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
>
>"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
>"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
>Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! Is THAT the word??!"

Oh shit


Funny as hell though

[Will]

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly
across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a
Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house. "Would
you look at that Darby!" said one to another. "What a shameful disgrace,
those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They
both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.
A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself
cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had
spied him. "Did ya see that Darby?" the digger asked the other in shock and
disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand
what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself
in sins of the flesh. It's a shame, I tell ya!"
Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking
about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then
quietly sneaking in the door. "Oh no, Darby look!" Said the first digger
removing his cap, "One of the poor girls musta died."

------------------------------------

Why men stand and pee

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two
extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split
them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things
he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing", God told the couple, whom he found lying
under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the
ability."

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able
to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh
please, oh
please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working
in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let
it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please
God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh
please...

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly,
that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would
make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given
this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the
direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position.

Adam was happy and celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree
nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts.
"What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple Orgasms....."