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  1. #1
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    Thinking of getting a vasectomy for family prevention

    this way the only shots fired are blanks

  2. #2
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    And...you won't have to lock up your dick in a gun safe
    Quando paramucho mi amore de felice carathon.
    Mundo paparazzi mi amore cicce verdi parasol.
    Questo abrigado tantamucho que canite carousel.


  3. #3
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    Ouch. Get some frozen peas ready.

  4. #4
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    Your nuts, no pun intended. My bro did it and now he has to put vagasil on his vagina everyday.

  5. #5
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    I'm going for my consultation next Tuesday.

  6. #6
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    DO IT!

    Photo TR not required.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by powbmps View Post
    DO IT!
    Fuck that, do it yourself...

    Attachment 23321

  8. #8
    BLOOD SWEAT STEEL Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by Tippster View Post
    I'm going for my consultation next Tuesday.
    Do they do group discounts? You could bring Jer and skiEd along.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by BLOOD SWEAT STEEL View Post
    Do they do group discounts? You could bring Jer and skiEd along.
    Unnecessary
    Quando paramucho mi amore de felice carathon.
    Mundo paparazzi mi amore cicce verdi parasol.
    Questo abrigado tantamucho que canite carousel.


  10. #10
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    True - it does take a female to procreate...

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
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    A little gem copied and pasted from the board here:

    Quote Originally Posted by Beaver

    Vasectomy -

    It’s time for someone to interject a little sense into the topic. And since I have been rendered sterile (haven't been back for the handjob into the plastic container but it's been 3 years...), I am just the man for the job. To follow is Beaver's Guide to Vasectomy.

    Pre surgery you are supposed to shave you sack 2 or so days prior to the cutting. I suggest you do it a week prior cause it will take you a week to get all the fucking little hiars down there. (or little fucking hairs)

    First off, there are the drugs. You give you two valium. Apparently there was problem with guys clutching their privates and rocking back and forth in crazy-eyed terror in the waiting room.

    The doctors don’t like that. It’s bad for business. So they give you a couple downers and hope that you don’t drool too much on their five-year-old copy of Powder.

    Important Vasectomy Tip #1. Drugs are your friend.

    I filled out a form and ate the drugs and was sent ito a room to change into a robe. I went into the waiting room where I was given a warm blanket to keep the boys warm and cozy so they did not try to crawl up into hiding. Had they known what was in store for tem they would have crwled all the way back wence they came.

    As I reclined I saw the guy in front of me hobbling out with his feet about 3' apart taking baby steps. The sweat began flowing.

    The nurse stuck her head in the waiting room and called me to my doom. I hopped up on the table and lay back as instructed and wated for the doc.

    Then the doctor walked in, lifted the robe and said in his english assent, "Very nice shave, what do you think nurs 9 out of 10?
    Nurse with aussie accent who I know from around town, "At least."

    So doc friendly reaches down and lifts the boys off the table and comments, "Ah, lowriders, you should be back to normal in no time." So he fondles my sack a bit to locate his prey then says, "You'll feel a little pinch." then proceeds to stab me about 6 times with a needle. Little pinch my ass, it felt like he was skewering my for shishkabob. Pinch is what a little girl does when you piss her off. Pinch is how it feels to get you finger slammed in a door. Pinch is not the sensation of a needle boring into your scrotum. There should be another word for that sensation. A bigger, scarier word.


    But no. I got “pinched.” Then the Doc took a razor sharp knife, sliced a hole in my scrotum and started fishing around. My nuts wanted nothing to do with this. They retreated to the back of the room and tried hide.

    Vasectomy Tip #2 – It hurts. Don’t believe the people who say otherwise. When the most sensitive area of your body is opened up and prodded, it hurts. Why there is even debate on this, is beyond me.

    So he's fishing around looking for my vasa deferentia which are apparently attached to my guts cause every time he pulled (yanked) on them I felt like I was going to puke.

    At this time, I think I need to send a special shout out to the women who are reading this. Before you send me the “That’s nothing compared to what a woman goes through during birth / hysterectomy / gang-bang” email, let me just tell you to please shut your pie-holes. Women are tougher than men and we all know it. I’m sure if you ladies had scrotums, you’d pound them with bricks and wouldn’t even flinch. I don’t want to hear about it.

    Vasectomy tip #3- Valium is your friend.

    Finally, mercifully, the valium kicked in. It was like being drunk – good drunk, riding the crest of the perfect ethyl wave. I was high. I was, in my opinion, a brilliant conversationalist. I was funny…no, I was hysterical. Shucking and jiving with the professionals attending to my crotch, I didn’t have a care in the world. A scotch and soda would be nice though. And maybe pants. Ya, pants…

    I was a riot.

    He proceeded to slice and dice both sides leaving what felt like 6" incisions. Pulling and prodding all the time with a the cute aussie nurs watching.

    Every time the nut-doctor went to shift anything, he’d give me a warning first. “I’m going to work on the other side now.” It cracked me up.

    I was so busy laying down my drug-induced comedy routine that I barely noticed when the doctor picked up what must have been H.R. Giger’s crochet hook and stuck it into my sack-hole.

    It was funny, in a Jackass sort of way. I almost made a joke about him crocheting an afgan out of my vas deferens. But when he hooked Mr. Left’s delicate tether, and tugged it out the hole, nothing was funny. It was a baaaaaaaaaad feeling – sort of a cross between getting kicked in the ‘nads and pulling your intestines out your ass.

    The doctor cut the cord. He tied the ends into elaborate knots (either Botswain’s whistle knots or jug-sling hitches, its hard to recall), and he cauterized the whole mess with an industrial-grade soldering iron. Then he repeated the process with Mr. Right’s plumbing. When the whole thing was over, the doc crammed my wounded spaghetti back into the sack and stitched it up.

    Vasectomy Tip #4 – It’s not over until you say it’s over

    For what it's worth, getting stitches in my bag wasn’t as bad as it sounds. It was already numb there. The bad part comes days later, when you get your stitches caught in your underwear just prior to taking a pee in a public restroom, and you nearly bite your tongue off trying not to squeal while the guy at the urinal next to you pretends like he doesn’t notice you gyrating and chewing on your tongue.

    They say that the recovery period is supposed to last two to three days. It took me about a week before I stopped trying to walk AROUND my ice-covered crotch. I spent the week trying to avoid (with marginal success) anything that might move, jar, strain, jiggle, or otherwise traumatize my junk. I wore my wife's undies because they held the boys firmly in place.

    Some of the post ballbag-cutting activities one should steer clear of include: walking, running, driving a stick, sitting in any position that does not allow you to keep your legs spread like a Tijuana hooker during Fleet Week, and, of course, getting punched in the junk by a three-year-old child.

    Explaining to Junior that “we need to be gentle with Daddy” from a fetal position on the kitchen floor was not one of my better moments in parenting.

    There were a couple longer-term effects too. Effect #1 was the bruising. I won’t go into details here, but let’s just say “stuff turned black.” Effect #2 was that I carried around the got-whacked-in-the-cajones-half-an-hour-ago feeling for about a month.

    But it’s over now. And I thank the gods of modern medical science that the operation did not go South like my brother's which got infected..... I don’t know if I could have dealt with packing an infected scrotum with sterile gauze.

    Am I glad I did it? Hell yes. They say that after the surgery, a married man can go from having sex once a month, to TWELVE TIMES a year!

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
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    CT
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    From Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sea/274495936.html


    Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.
    Date: 2007-02-06, 2:24PM PST


    I'll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

    I got a vasectomy.

    I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

    I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

    We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her - as I was to find out - it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

    Four months into dating, I get the "I'm pregnant" talk. She's going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married "for the baby". She's positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she's gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

    At this point, I'm just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse "oops" on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can't think beyond their own uteri.

    So I wait a couple of days to "think about all this." I meet her again. I say I don't want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

    Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I'm laughing hysterically.

    It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a "negative test result for sperm" to show I'm sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I'm ready.

    I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

    She's all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly - or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. "Are you sure that this baby is mine?"

    Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she's really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she's a slut. I'm just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities... blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

    I'm not really mad. I'm kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won't shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

    I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

    I tell her simply, "You're screwed".

    Her look doesn't change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

    I continue. "I am sterile"

    Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women's logic. "You're full of shit. You're trapped and you know it."

    I hold up the letter and the test results. "Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine."

    This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. "Bullshit, those are fakes."

    I was ready for that. "No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It's a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine."

    I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It's a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

    I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

    Epilogue -

    I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

    The Moral of the Story -

    Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.

    * Location: Manhood
    * it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
    Awesome.
    It's not tragic to die doing what you love.
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  13. #13
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
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    Colyrady
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    3,802
    Quote Originally Posted by beaver
    Vasectomy -

    It’s time for someone to interject a little sense into the topic. And since I have been rendered sterile (haven't been back for the handjob into the plastic container but it's been 3 years...), I am just the man for the job. To follow is Beaver's Guide to Vasectomy.

    Pre surgery you are supposed to shave you sack 2 or so days prior to the cutting. I suggest you do it a week prior cause it will take you a week to get all the fucking little hiars down there. (or little fucking hairs)

    First off, there are the drugs. You give you two valium. Apparently there was problem with guys clutching their privates and rocking back and forth in crazy-eyed terror in the waiting room.

    The doctors don’t like that. It’s bad for business. So they give you a couple downers and hope that you don’t drool too much on their five-year-old copy of Powder.

    Important Vasectomy Tip #1. Drugs are your friend.

    I filled out a form and ate the drugs and was sent ito a room to change into a robe. I went into the waiting room where I was given a warm blanket to keep the boys warm and cozy so they did not try to crawl up into hiding. Had they known what was in store for tem they would have crwled all the way back wence they came.

    As I reclined I saw the guy in front of me hobbling out with his feet about 3' apart taking baby steps. The sweat began flowing.

    The nurse stuck her head in the waiting room and called me to my doom. I hopped up on the table and lay back as instructed and wated for the doc.

    Then the doctor walked in, lifted the robe and said in his english assent, "Very nice shave, what do you think nurs 9 out of 10?
    Nurse with aussie accent who I know from around town, "At least."

    So doc friendly reaches down and lifts the boys off the table and comments, "Ah, lowriders, you should be back to normal in no time." So he fondles my sack a bit to locate his prey then says, "You'll feel a little pinch." then proceeds to stab me about 6 times with a needle. Little pinch my ass, it felt like he was skewering my for shishkabob. Pinch is what a little girl does when you piss her off. Pinch is how it feels to get you finger slammed in a door. Pinch is not the sensation of a needle boring into your scrotum. There should be another word for that sensation. A bigger, scarier word.


    But no. I got “pinched.” Then the Doc took a razor sharp knife, sliced a hole in my scrotum and started fishing around. My nuts wanted nothing to do with this. They retreated to the back of the room and tried hide.

    Vasectomy Tip #2 – It hurts. Don’t believe the people who say otherwise. When the most sensitive area of your body is opened up and prodded, it hurts. Why there is even debate on this, is beyond me.

    So he's fishing around looking for my vasa deferentia which are apparently attached to my guts cause every time he pulled (yanked) on them I felt like I was going to puke.

    At this time, I think I need to send a special shout out to the women who are reading this. Before you send me the “That’s nothing compared to what a woman goes through during birth / hysterectomy / gang-bang” email, let me just tell you to please shut your pie-holes. Women are tougher than men and we all know it. I’m sure if you ladies had scrotums, you’d pound them with bricks and wouldn’t even flinch. I don’t want to hear about it.

    Vasectomy tip #3- Valium is your friend.

    Finally, mercifully, the valium kicked in. It was like being drunk – good drunk, riding the crest of the perfect ethyl wave. I was high. I was, in my opinion, a brilliant conversationalist. I was funny…no, I was hysterical. Shucking and jiving with the professionals attending to my crotch, I didn’t have a care in the world. A scotch and soda would be nice though. And maybe pants. Ya, pants…

    I was a riot.

    He proceeded to slice and dice both sides leaving what felt like 6" incisions. Pulling and prodding all the time with a the cute aussie nurs watching.

    Every time the nut-doctor went to shift anything, he’d give me a warning first. “I’m going to work on the other side now.” It cracked me up.

    I was so busy laying down my drug-induced comedy routine that I barely noticed when the doctor picked up what must have been H.R. Giger’s crochet hook and stuck it into my sack-hole.

    It was funny, in a Jackass sort of way. I almost made a joke about him crocheting an afgan out of my vas deferens. But when he hooked Mr. Left’s delicate tether, and tugged it out the hole, nothing was funny. It was a baaaaaaaaaad feeling – sort of a cross between getting kicked in the ‘nads and pulling your intestines out your ass.

    The doctor cut the cord. He tied the ends into elaborate knots (either Botswain’s whistle knots or jug-sling hitches, its hard to recall), and he cauterized the whole mess with an industrial-grade soldering iron. Then he repeated the process with Mr. Right’s plumbing. When the whole thing was over, the doc crammed my wounded spaghetti back into the sack and stitched it up.

    Vasectomy Tip #4 – It’s not over until you say it’s over

    For what it's worth, getting stitches in my bag wasn’t as bad as it sounds. It was already numb there. The bad part comes days later, when you get your stitches caught in your underwear just prior to taking a pee in a public restroom, and you nearly bite your tongue off trying not to squeal while the guy at the urinal next to you pretends like he doesn’t notice you gyrating and chewing on your tongue.

    They say that the recovery period is supposed to last two to three days. It took me about a week before I stopped trying to walk AROUND my ice-covered crotch. I spent the week trying to avoid (with marginal success) anything that might move, jar, strain, jiggle, or otherwise traumatize my junk. I wore my wife's undies because they held the boys firmly in place.

    Some of the post ballbag-cutting activities one should steer clear of include: walking, running, driving a stick, sitting in any position that does not allow you to keep your legs spread like a Tijuana hooker during Fleet Week, and, of course, getting punched in the junk by a three-year-old child.

    Explaining to Junior that “we need to be gentle with Daddy” from a fetal position on the kitchen floor was not one of my better moments in parenting.

    There were a couple longer-term effects too. Effect #1 was the bruising. I won’t go into details here, but let’s just say “stuff turned black.” Effect #2 was that I carried around the got-whacked-in-the-cajones-half-an-hour-ago feeling for about a month.

    But it’s over now. And I thank the gods of modern medical science that the operation did not go South like my brother's which got infected..... I don’t know if I could have dealt with packing an infected scrotum with sterile gauze.

    Am I glad I did it? Hell yes. They say that after the surgery, a married man can go from having sex once a month, to TWELVE TIMES a year!
    Ouch, my boys hurt now. Especially cause the wife is lobbying for this treatment for them.

  14. #14
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    Not too long ago, my buddy had a vasectomy. Problem was, he ate 10mg. valium about 1 hour before going to the medical center. He didn't tell the doc. what he did.

    .......Fucker redlined on the table. They brought him back, but I bet that it was scary.


    Lesson learned: Don't do downs prior to being anestisised
    “A society that puts equality before freedom will get neither. A society that puts freedom before equality will get a high degree of both.”
    ― Milton Friedman

  15. #15
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    great story Assman!

  16. #16
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    Heh, I saw the thread title and was going to search that one up for him.

    With a few years (4) for the memory to fade all I can say is I still remember the pain like it was yesterday.

    But the sex is good.
    You are what you eat.
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  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by schindlerpiste View Post
    .......Fucker redlined on the table. They brought him back, but I bet that it was scary.
    Did he redline...or flatline? Like, 500 bpm...or 0?

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by bio-smear View Post
    Did he redline...or flatline? Like, 500 bpm...or 0?
    I do believe he meant 0, and I doubt it was the Valium's fault. Valium is God's gift to man, it would never hurt anyone on purpose. I wish I had some right now.

    Seriously.

  19. #19
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    I feel really weird posting in this thread...like I'm violating some code, but this is some funny shit. Yes, painful, but HILARIOUS...especially you, Beav!

    As for the 10mg of valium taking him to the brink of death, nope!
    Safe dosage range for adults is 2-20mg.
    Prrrrrrr....

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by SnowTigress View Post
    Safe dosage range for adults is 2-20mg.
    20 mg opens the door to the happy place, that's it.

    Carry on, though.

  21. #21
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    Ahhh, the joys of vasmentia


  22. #22
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    Flatline. Had to break out the paddles.
    “A society that puts equality before freedom will get neither. A society that puts freedom before equality will get a high degree of both.”
    ― Milton Friedman

  23. #23
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    snip

    Quote Originally Posted by Moose Pit View Post
    this way the only shots fired are blanks
    Worth doing. I had it done last summer. Now my spouse is fertile (she's off the pills) and I'm sterile.

    My urologist was a bit of a goof. Do you want to watch? (no). We talked about scuba diving and underwater photography (he was really into this, and I was glad for the distraction).

    Yes, you'll need to sit on frozen peas for about a week. I only needed Tylenol-1's for a day or two, just a local during the surgery. The big issue is support - keep 'em from dangling, and you'll feel better sooner.

    Sorry if this is "too much information" for the folks searching my userID to see what kinda JONG I am, but too bad.

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by schindlerpiste View Post
    Not too long ago, my buddy had a vasectomy. Problem was, he ate 10mg. valium about 1 hour before going to the medical center. He didn't tell the doc. what he did.

    .......Fucker redlined on the table. They brought him back, but I bet that it was scary.


    Lesson learned: Don't do downs prior to being anestisised
    They didn't just use a local???
    It's 5 o'clock somewhere.

  25. #25
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    Hum...I don't know the answer to that. However, if it were me, I'd rather be put under, than face a hypo. in the johnson. OUCH!!!

    When I was a child, I used to have nightmares about that
    “A society that puts equality before freedom will get neither. A society that puts freedom before equality will get a high degree of both.”
    ― Milton Friedman

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