About to turn 50 and am too tired to continue

[Buzzworthy]

Depression my whole life has gotten the best of me.
I’m over it. Nothing gets better. It’s just one evil cycle after another. I’m tired of living this way. I’ve been doing some real stupid shit lately and I no longer care about the consequences. Or really anything for that matter.

[Upinsmoke]

Hey! Hold on there. You have a family, it is worth living for them. It’s best to seek out some professional and positive help. I lost my best friend to suicide and I wish everyday I could have helped more. Pls seek help. Positive thoughts

[NBABUCKS1]

bro i don't know you, but appreciate your posts. Not sure what you mean by this post but i'm sure there are a bunch of people here who think you are fucking rad besides me.

getting old blows but there's always good turns at some point in the future.

please talk to someone who can help you feel better about where you are at now.

[2FUNKY]

Hey Buzz, please don’t do anything rash man. Everything gets better, trust me. I wasn’t in a good place during my divorce but things got immensely better. You’re young and apparently have a family. Please think of them. Talk to a counselor man!!! Stay strong man!


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[Gcooker]

Call 9-8-8 --- Any Utah mags able to drop in?

[bennymac]

I’ll third the “talk to someone” recommendation - whether it’s a trusted friend and/or a professional. And post your thoughts in here (as much as you want) as well.

And go skiing. Yeah it doesn’t “fix” things but it’s fun as hell even when the snow sucks.

[John_B]

Hey Buzz, I want to echo the others. You've got a good group of e-friends here and I'm sure some folks you know IRL too. Please give one of them a call if things are feeling bad and find a pro to talk with. I know this sounds obvious but suicide is a very permanent thing. Again talk with someone and I'm sure you'll be able to work through this.

Maybe find someone other than Leroy though.....

[J. Barron DeJong]

I know personally that it’s hard to seek help for yourself when suffering from depression. For me, finally opening up to my wife about how bad it was getting for me changed our dynamic and instead of fighting and blame, she wanted to get me the help I wasn’t able to get for myself.

Please don’t be afraid to lean on your family or friends in a time of need. They’ll want to help.

[AK47bp]

Talking to people about depression is really hard if you have depression.

There are a bunch of websites/apps now that you can answer a few questions and have depression meds sent to your home quick. Really takes that initial hurdle of reaching out and makes it easy.

This one is good.

https://www.hims.com/psychiatry

Think of your kids.

[Buzzworthy]

I learned to not lean on anybody. In the end they’ll abandon you. Happens every time. Happened again. My trust is gone.

[Buzzworthy]

My child is an adult. I’m no longer needed.
Skiing isn’t fun anymore. Mountain biking isn’t fun anymore. Life hasn’t been fun for a long time. Caring has become difficult. Fuck I don’t even enjoy beer much anymore. I just don’t give a shit anymore and it’s scary.

[Upinsmoke]

Your adult child needs you more than ever. Hang in there…we need you here in this community

[ötzi]

R. you have friends. I'm your friend, although I haven't seen you for quite a while. Lean on your friends. Don't do anything you can't undo later.

[BmillsSkier]

Hey Buzz, I'll add another voice to the room here. Please don't do anything you can't take back. I know you're hurting and numb and don't care, but I promise you your child and other people who love you will be devastated if anything happens to you. Please don't do that to them.

It may seem small but even starting this thread is a step in the right direction of saying you need help, and its OK to need help. We all need help to get through life. Remember, it's not a trite saying, it really is OK to not be OK.

Please lean on us here and those you have locally around you. A blank canvas to vent to can be a really useful thing.

[XXX-er]

I been micro dosing psilocybin for a few months so 150-200 MG every other day

I would say it helps with anxiety & stress and somehow I havent touched an MJ gummy since

[bennymac]

Talking to a friend or a professional is not leaning on them like a crutch - they’re not there to absorb the depression or take any of the load off.

They’re there to listen - there is something about saying out loud to someone else what we are feeling and experiencing that allows one an ability to gain a healthier perspective that is not achievable just being inside one’s own head.

A combination of talking to others and exercise +/- medications has been shown time and time again to be beneficial to those who want to get better. And you posting in here with such honesty is a sign you want to get better.

[Self Jupiter]

It takes courage to make this thread. So props for that as weird as it sounds. I believe you can figure out a way to carry this weight in the short term and take things from there.

[MontuckyFried]

Hey Buzz. It breaks my heart to see you hurting like this. We're all here for you. Seriously. If you EVER need someone to simply talk to, please call me. Anytime. I'll PM you my digitz.

Now I don't know how scientific this is (anyone please chime if this is a thing), BUT I've found it helpful to flush the ol' adrenal gland on occasion. I've gone skydiving a couple times and each time I was on a high for a while. That'll reset your perspective on life! In the best possible way. Today, I got together with an old friend for go-karting. Did 3 heats during our extended "lunch break" (shhh... don't tell our wives. hehe) We both have been mentally going through it (I hear ya on how you feel!), and when we do that, it REALLY helps us get through the week. We battle it out with each other, have a laugh, get back to work. Quite therapeutic. We've also done paintball, getting our asses wooped by a bunch of teenagers.

Do you have any local friends you can go have some silly fun with?

[I've seen black diamonds!]

Skiing isn’t fun anymore. Mountain biking isn’t fun anymore.

I feel for you, bother.

For the last year injuries have made it hard for me to ski and run anywhere as much as I'd like to. I've done therapy in the past, but exercise, exploration, and the focus of competition have always been the things that helped me keep my mood up. I'm less fit than I've been since my early 20's when I was depressed and partying too much. Back then my depression was triggered by the loss of competitive sports as a central part of my life. At times I've felt like I was back living that shitty time over agin. And it has also been tied up with some good old fashioned mid life crisis bullshit.

The thing that has keep me going is getting back into fishing. It's not my wife, or kids, or even my dog, even though I love them. I just need a certain type of challenge to obsess over to keep me sane. I was obsessed with fishing from age 6-16. Now it's back. Thank god.

Maybe you're nothing like me. But if you are, you need to latch onto one of those things that gives your life meaning. Be selfish about it. It matters, even if most people don't get it.

[Not DJSapp]

Buzz, you're one of the few OG's around here. You have friends and community that will rise up for you. Maggots can make shit happen for maggots in need. Talk to us, talk to someone, talk to the chatbot.

[Ted Striker]

My child is an adult. I’m no longer needed.

My dad died from cancer. I was an adult. Just because he no longer supported me financially didn't mean I didn't need him. Hang in there.

[Whiteroom_Guardian]

I feel for you Buzz. I've battled depression in the past. Not drinking MAJORLY turned it around for me. Not saying you drink too much. But any alcohol isn't good for people with any chemical imbalance stuff.

I almost lost a parent to suicide when I was a kid. She lived and is kicking major ass today......but it was touch and go for a few weeks while she was in a coma and not expected to make it. I shudder to think how different things would be if she didn't make it. Maybe you THINK your kid doesn't need you. Guess what......don't believe everything that you think. Depression just clouds our judgement in a real bad way.

Asking for help is not a bother to anyone. Offing yourself IS however.

[Art Shirk]

Hey Buzz - all these people chiming in may look like meaningless binary code, I get that, but there are real people behind the words and real worry and support for you right now. I’m one of those real people and I don’t have any magic words or actions I can take, but maybe there is something to the collective ethos that is rooting for you and believes in a better day.

Seeing this breaks my heart and wish I could shoulder some for you.

Lost my dad early but as an adult and fuck if I don’t need that bastard every day.


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[Huskier]

My child is an adult. I’m no longer needed.

As the adult child on the other end of the worst outcome from this, this is your brain playing tricks on you and not true. Your role has changed, yeah. But they still need you, and will continue to need you in ways they don't even realize yet. I really wish my little girl had a grandpa. I really wish a lot of things...

Skiing isn’t fun anymore. Mountain biking isn’t fun anymore.

So, this should be your barometer for whether you need back on meds. A really common cycle people see is they go on meds, they work and they get better, then they think they either don't need the meds anymore or "they don't work", stop taking them and then they're right back where they started. If you're at the end of your rope anyway, what's the harm in trying them again? And if they don't work, tell your doctor. Some people go through 4-5 meds or more before finding something that works.

Fuck I don’t even enjoy beer much anymore. I just don’t give a shit anymore and it’s scary.

Stop drinking. It's easy to say from here but it can really make this kind of stuff worse. People have done things they really regret when they've had a few.

The above is not medical advice. It's personal advice.

[bennymac]

Speaking to a doctor you trust about options like ketamine infusions for depression is also an additional idea - it doesn’t work for everyone but for some has been life altering for the better.