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  1. #101
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    2,098
    One of the heaviest threads here. With some of the best displays of people being caring and kind.

    BW, you matter and people want you around. Even anonymous strangers on the interweb, like myself, are rooting for you.

  2. #102
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    sandy, sl,ut
    Posts
    9,476
    Quote Originally Posted by Buzzworthy View Post
    My child is an adult. I’m no longer needed.
    Skiing isn’t fun anymore. Mountain biking isn’t fun anymore. Life hasn’t been fun for a long time. Caring has become difficult. Fuck I don’t even enjoy beer much anymore. I just don’t give a shit anymore and it’s scary.
    This is silly. My dad was a huge dick, died a few years ago when I was already an adult for decades, and I still miss the shit out of him. Broke my fucking heart finding his suicide notes to my brother and I while I was cleaning out his house after he died, even though he did not actually die by his own hand, he seemed to have little will to live left and I think might have neglected to seek medical attention towards the end. At the very least he wrote those letters a couple years before. My brother was being a dick trying to pressure and even manipulate me and fuck with me to get me to just throw all my dads stuff out so we could sell his house faster when i found them, and a whole bunch of other shit happened around that time and it was one of the very worse couple months of my life.

    My dad had a lot to feel grateful about, and enjoy in life, as I am sure you do. He was old though, 77, but he was a pilot and was still flying just about a week before his death. He lived in a beautiful life, and had people who cared about him, although he didn't feel as close to them as he would have liked, and no longer had the plane that made him the happiest to fly, the plane that was really the love of his life, he still had a less nice plane and could fly and do other things.

    I'm sure you have stuff going for you in life, and I'm sure you have people that would prefer you not to die. You have no idea what you mean to people around you. Like I said my dad was a dick, but he also had redeeming qualities. We spent many hours flying planes together, and he was pretty much a perfect father while he was teaching me to fly. He was less good at controlling his emotions at other times, but something about planes made him both feel more need to control and discipline himself, and also, made him happier and more at peace with the world. He had the good fortune and good taste to be able to purchase a two seat Mk IX Supermarine Spitfire back in the eighties, and operated it for over thirty years if I remember correctly. I learned how to fly in it and a piper cub. But then the Spitfire got damaged at an airshow, an on the ground collision with another airplane, and my dad didn't have the money to fix it and had to sell it as a project. This loss, and the loss of his wife to divorce years earlier, really broke his heart. Bla bla bla bla leroys walls of words, but my point is, the loss of that plane broke my heart too. I'll never fly another spitfire. I have like, a half a dozen landings in it that I did 100% myself and there will never be any more. And now, years later, I can finally financially swing getting a pilots license but flying doesn't feel as easy. My stomach is very much unused to several hundred foot changes in elevation in a matter of seconds. It seems more stressful. And my dad will never be there to teach me again. Turns out, not only are the memories of us flying something I cherish, but he was actually better at teaching me to fly than any instructor I've flown with since and created a better atmosphere to learn. I felt safer in his airplane than I ever have in another, because I trusted him as an aircraft owner, and knew and trusted his mechanic.

    I could ramble on some more, but the thing is, time feels so cruel doesn't it? Time feels like it takes things from us? You're no longer needed by your kid supposedly, we have things, opportunities, experiences, moments we cherish, and then they're gone. But this can also be such a fixation, the seeing it as in the past, instead of just thinking fuck that happened how cool is that. It wasn't just that my dad was heartbroken by the loss of that plane, but also he just struggled with depression, and as it turns out, its hard to feel like oh whoa is me how hard and cruel is my life when you get to fly a WWII fighter plane, and teach your son to fly it with you as well, but after losing that, he struggled to cope with existence.

    I think though, we get wrapped up in our own heads, and can forget what we mean to those around us and what they need us for. I also think, as cheesy as it sounds, the choice to be grateful for what you have and especially, have had and lost can be very powerful. Like, you don't have to stop feeling cynical or depressed or hopeless etc, but just stop and think of something cool from your life and be like fuck yea that shit happened. If you do that, it can really start to rewire your brain, preventing the negative feelings like hopelessness and meaninglessness, and it seems to make the weight of the cruelty of time less heavy, and our perception of time as linear and irreversible as less imprisoning.

    Also, maybe old doors that were open have now closed, but there have to be some new doors opening somewhere. Most halfway decent authors don't write anything worth reading till they're at least sort of old and somewhat crusty and bitter. There has to be something left to learn or do or fuck.
    __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ________________
    "We don't need predator control, we need whiner control. Anyone who complains that "the gummint oughta do sumpin" about the wolves and coyotes should be darted, caged, and released in a more suitable habitat for them, like the middle of Manhattan." - Spats

    "I'm constantly doing things I can't do. Thats how I get to do them." - Pablo Picasso

    Cisco and his wife are fragile idiots who breed morons.

  3. #103
    Join Date
    Mar 2017
    Location
    SLC, Utah
    Posts
    4,331
    Quote Originally Posted by BmillsSkier View Post
    tgapp, I hope we cross paths one day, 'cause this, along with all of your other selfless acts, are something to be admired; drinks on me. Thanks for looking out for one of our own.
    thanks but all I'm doing is the same that many of you would do for me

    plus buzz has awesome dogs

    and a great wife



    Sent from my Pixel 8 Pro using Tapatalk

  4. #104
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    2 hours from anything
    Posts
    10,787
    Yo Buzzworthy - We’ve never met but I’ve always appreciated your contributions to this community, it’s better with you than without you. I’m sure this little forum isn’t the only thing that’s better for having you. Hang in there.


    Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

  5. #105
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    Location
    ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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    11,826
    Buzz, I feel what you’re going for so deeply. A year ago I was in your place. Lost, depressed, felt like I had nothing to keep me going. I found a therapist I saw regularly and it for sure was the best thing I’ve ever done. It’s not all sunshine and roses, but I have hope again for the future and I know you can too.

    It may not feel like much to have a bunch of internet weirdos in your corner but we are here for you.

  6. #106
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    写道
    Posts
    13,464
    Love you, Ron. Always here for ya.

  7. #107
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Location
    beaverhead county
    Posts
    4,731
    there are miracles every day, buzz.
    swing your fucking sword.

  8. #108
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    N side, Terrace, BC
    Posts
    5,215
    Hey Buzz! Just a northern geezer here to say take it day by day brother. Hey man you got a bunch of internet ski weirdos on your side, not everyone can say that! Celebrate the tiny wins buzz. Thinking of you.
    “I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don't let anybody tell you different.”
    ― Kurt Vonnegut, A Man Without a Country

    www.mymountaincoop.ca

    This is OUR mountain - come join us!

  9. #109
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    North Vancouver
    Posts
    738
    You are 5 pages deep of mags and fellow weirdos that are all saying that they care about you. Reach out for help if you can. Take it day by day. I am hoping things get better soon.
    What if "Alternative" energy wasn't so alternative ?

  10. #110
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Dystopia
    Posts
    21,331
    I get it.
    My little black dog has been following me for decades.

    Be strong. Steady your hand. Tomorrow is a new day.
    Skiing doesn’t thrill like it used to. But it’s still fun.
    Live to ride. Ride to live. Godspeed snow slider.

    PS. Rode this morning with an old 69 year old friend. Caught a Gondi with frosty with a new knee. Keep sliding. Social skiing ain’t bad.
    I’ve just decided to be a middle aged somewhat depressed somewhat anxious fucktard until the end.

  11. #111
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    The Garden State
    Posts
    4,798
    Good morning Ron.
    We love you.
    WE need you, you are us.

  12. #112
    Join Date
    Apr 2004
    Location
    Southeast New York
    Posts
    11,873
    What are you thinking, your kid doesn't need you anymore? Kids like when their dad is at their wedding. Kids like when Grandpa watches their kid(s). Kids need grandpa to watch their kid(s) so mom and dad can get away for a few hours/days or even just go out to dinner. Kids always need. Always.

    You don't even realize how much you want to be there for that but when it happens you'll be glad you're there. Or so they tell me. I'm waiting to find out and so should you.

  13. #113
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    here and there
    Posts
    18,632
    Take moar happy pills asshole.

    Sea how being a jerk comes back to haunt you?
    watch out for snakes

  14. #114
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    here and there
    Posts
    18,632
    Quote Originally Posted by stealurface831 View Post
    there are miracles every day, buzz.
    FTW
    watch out for snakes

  15. #115
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Posts
    800
    Good morning, Buzz. I hope you wake up this morning and feel a little better with maybe a little hope. As others have said, the fact that you started this thread is a sign that you want help. Hang in there! I’m just another random mag pulling for you.


    Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

  16. #116
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Location
    Cloud City
    Posts
    8,843
    I have a grown son and he told me something yesterday that surprised me. We debate pretty regularly and sometimes strongly, but are both confident that the relationship cannot be damaged by it. Anyway, he told me that I'm the only person he can talk straight to, without sugar coating, and that it's important to him to have that freedom.

    So I guess my point is that they do still need you, for some reason or other...
    Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each.
    Henry David Thoreau

  17. #117
    Join Date
    Aug 2018
    Posts
    1,341
    Morning Buzz. Another person here who you are in my thoughts. You matter. The world is better with you in it. Good on you for starting this thread.

  18. #118
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    in the trench
    Posts
    15,763
    Just wishing you well Buzz. I enjoy you in this little corner of the interwebz. I guess im in the habit of reading the Buzz posts
    I guess it was at about 50 after family deaths i just took a step back from smoking and drinking. They were just distractions i figure. Unproductive escapes. I didnt want to waste time being in a daze. Good or bad i want to take it all in. Be present, soak it all in and try to make it fun. Im not sure how much time i have left but it seems like its speeding up. Turns out even shit fuck turns on an icy east coast mole hill are a productive escape because im having fun and its still the ultimate in freedom. Hope you can look past the bs and just have find enjoyment in whatever youre doing. I keep reminding my self, one foot in front of the other , go outside and have fun. Don't be too hard on yourself. We all have to make little corrections as we go along

    Sent from my SM-A536W using TGR Forums mobile app

  19. #119
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Posts
    8,936
    Nothing but love Buzz!

    It seems like empathy may be more helpful than advice. You are not alone. I'll be thinking about you and rootin' for ya the next couple of days. Please don't go dark.

    And Tgapp...legend bro. Keep on being you.

  20. #120
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Front Range, CO
    Posts
    495
    Hey Buzz, I read your post yesterday and it got to me. I'm rooting for you and hoping you can work your way through this. I had a good friend in college who after a couple of years confided that they lost their sister to suicide in high school. The lifelong impact to my friend and their family was catastrophic. They were broken shells, alcoholics and the most unhappy people I have ever met. Since college I lost a friend to suicide. Their daughter and my daughter were close friends at one time and it really hit hard. Please take care of yourself. While you may not think your kid cares, they do and what you are considering would have a huge impact on them and those that love and care about you.

  21. #121
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Not in the PRB
    Posts
    33,189
    Yo Buzz, count me as another internet kook that's never met you but thinks this place is better with you than without you. And you do have loved ones that need you. Please keep fighting.
    "fuck off you asshat gaper shit for brains fucktard wanker." - Jesus Christ
    "She was tossing her bean salad with the vigor of a Drunken Pop princess so I walked out of the corner and said.... "need a hand?"" - Odin
    "everybody's got their hooks into you, fuck em....forge on motherfuckers, drag all those bitches across the goal line with you." - (not so) ill-advised strategy

  22. #122
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    50 miles E of Paradise
    Posts
    15,715
    Hey Buzz, it hurts my heart to know you’re in such pain. I’m happy you chose to reach out to the community. It takes courage to admit weakness, especially us guys.

    Thirteen years ago this summer I was sitting against a big old fir tree in a beautiful spot overlooking the Columbia Gorge. With a 9mm in my mouth and my thumb squeezing the trigger. I’d been scouting locations to do this for months. Like you describe, life was just too hard to get through and I felt pretty alone.

    Still don’t understand what pulled me back from the brink, but I’m glad I did. Thanks to a cool therapist and Ms TBS I reoriented my mindset and changed the scenery. The years since have been the most psychically rewarding of my life.

    I can tell you from experience that choosing suicide leaves major lifelong scars among the survivors. My brother ate a gun when he was 26. It killed my mother-slowly-as she tried to drown her grief and guilt in a bottle. I miss him to this day and still beat myself up that I couldn’t change the outcome. RIP Steve.

    So kudos for reaching out. You will find lots of people who care deeply about your well-being. Including me, a random asshole you’ve never met. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

    Peace

  23. #123
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Posts
    15,941
    Another “never met you/don’t know you” guy here, but I’m pretty much a fan. I want to offer my support for you Buzz, and offer any support that I can to anyone that can help.

  24. #124
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Posts
    11,772
    Man, this thread. So many stories of people with internal struggles that we would never know when you walk by them on the street or interact on the tubes. It’s a good reminder and a good exercise to recognize the sometimes unspeakable. Peace for everyone on their journeys trying to find contentedness.


    Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

  25. #125
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    PDX
    Posts
    4,877
    Plus one for another person who barely knows of you, but wants good things for you.

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