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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
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    Hood River
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    The Pantsuit Effect. A Trip Report.

    I shower, I shave, I polish my tongs to a glamorously sexy shine. Roll up to the chica's house. First impression, not bad, cute blonde. Second impression, jesus my fucking eyes what the fuck is she wearing? A cream colored blouse and a peach pantsuit. Jesus, a fucking pantsuit? Is she interviewing to be a bank teller? This girl, who presumably had the time to reject other choices, is sporting a fucking pantsuit? I'm in a hoodie, jeans, and flip flops. She's in a pantsuit. PANTSUIT, PANTSUIT, PANTSUIT. Weird, if you say it a lot it's like the word loses all meaning. Nothing says hot girl on guy action like a pantsuit.

    There are no songs about pantsuits.

    Pantsuit smiles and lets me in. Her smile is the horrifying smile of a TV weatherman with a name like Bruce Storm or Roger Thunderhead or Shitbag Windyfuck. Her relatively attractive face turns into the face of a jackal intent on stealing my soul, or perhaps Kirstie Alley upon finding out that her mortal enemy owns an all you can eat restaurant. What sounds like the Three Tenors is playing on the stereo, if indeed the fat tenor didn't eat the other two prompting a name change to something like 'The Fat, Cannibal Tenor' or maybe 'The King of all Tenors the Hard Way' or even "Ask Me About the Other Tenors and I'll Fucking Eat You Too". This date is not going to a ball of sunshine.

    A pox on all pantsuits, a curse on the pantsuits, such is the will of god.

    Pantsuit is a bit crestfallen to find out that my ride is a gigantic van filled with stuff Maggots would think is cool but boring people don't get, and so we end up taking her euro sport status wagon, which turns out to be a major tactical error on my part. Always leave an escape route. Conversation on the way is a bit stilted. Her questions are clearly aimed at finding out whether or not I will make an suitable life partner who will allow her to reproduce and live in the style to which she'd like to become accustomed. Finally we arrive at a restaurant for which I am severely underdressed.

    We've got pantsuits, they're not cool, we've got pantsuits, how 'bout you!

    Pantsuit orders something that sounds like 'penis grease' and I am sorta bummed when it just turns out to be wine. For a brief moment I thought maybe things were looking up. Conversation hasn't improved much. She asks where I grew up and other tedious stuff. Bored, I try to talk about cool stuff:

    "Hey Pantsuit, did you know that there's this disease called Kuru that people in New Guinea get from eating dead people's brains?"

    "Oh, that's disgusting."

    "Well, yeah. That's why it kicks so much ass."

    "Let's talk about something more pleasant, what do you do for a living?"

    "Ummm.... that's kinda hard to explain. What about you?"

    "Well I ...". Hoooooooly crap. Pantsuit Powers Activate! This woman has control of time! The next half an hour actually takes well over eighteen hours of normal, non-pantsuit time and is filled with talk of pilates futures hedge funds and her job in holistic interior design arbitrage. I may have that wrong, I can't really remember. I do remember ordering 6x10^18th bourbons. I recall drinking a bunch of them. I recall hate. Einstein's theory of General Relativity will now have to be re-jiggered to take into account the time dilation power of what I call 'The Pantsuit Effect'.

    Pantsuit, Pantsuit, Pantsuit!

    "...and so that's my career." Great googly-moogly! She's stopped! I recall a distinct Doppler effect as her vocal cords stopped vibrating. "Huh. Ummmm, cool? I gotta pee." Sweet freedom! I resolve to end this monstrosity and so tell her upon my return that I'm not feeling so well and need to go home. Pantsuit appears disappointed, no doubt because she doesn't have the opportunity to sonically lacerate me any more. As we arrive at my car Pantsuit wonders "If you'd like to come in for a nightcap?". A nightcap! Hoooly christ I'm not going in there. This harpy's idea of foreplay is a filibuster. Pantsuit then asks if she can call me sometime. Like hell she can call me sometime. Like I'm going to allow her to use the one appliance she can do maximum damage with. Pantsuit, I'm gone baby.

    Mothers, don't let your babies grow up to wear pantsuits

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    Slut Lake City
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    7,795

    Thumbs up

    A baudy tale! Huzzah!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
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    5,911
    tonghands wins. POTW for sure.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
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    bushwood
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    Like that?

    Excellent post. Hope the bourbon doesn't hurt in the morning.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    a few blocks from the beach
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    2,944

    Okay, I've sent this link to everyone I know. Expect new maggettes. POTW? no way, POTYear! That TR rocks!

    worth repeating:

    "Hey Pantsuit, did you know that there's this disease called Kuru that people in New Guinea get from eating dead people's brains?"

    "Oh, that's disgusting."

    "Well, yeah. That's why it kicks so much ass."
    Last edited by yogachik; 09-23-2005 at 12:30 AM.
    .

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Posts
    11,350
    Quote Originally Posted by phUnk
    A baudy tale! Huzzah!
    Where for art thou phUnk?

    Bawdy was more Chaucer no? Huzzah brings back bad memories of bad memories. Memories unfilled with baudy mammories.

    But I digress, tongman tongman he's our man. If he can't depantsuit no on can!

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    between here and there
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    6,246
    my man, you can weave a tale. I'm in stiches here. Coming through with the instant classic.
    More fucked up than a cricket in a hubcap

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    1,796
    Quote Originally Posted by tonghands
    Great googly-moogly!
    I love that show!

    Beware the pantsuit! Excellent TR.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    NorCal
    Posts
    15

    Cool Fuckin Great Story...

    I haven't laughed so hard in a long time at
    Pantsuit orders something that sounds like 'penis grease' and I am sorta bummed when it just turns out to be wine. For a brief moment I thought maybe things were looking up.
    Reminds me of early SNL and Dan Ackroid slip's. I am going to try this next time I am at a nice restaurant with hotty waitress, or sommelier.

    Me: "I would like a bottle of the penis grease",

    Hotty: "Penis Grease?"

    Me: "I am sorry?"

    Hotty: "You want a bottle of what?"

    Me: "a bottle of your best Pinot Gregio, what's that?"

    Hotty: "I thought you said something else."

    Me: "Sorry, what'd you think I said?"

    yada, yada.

    Absolutly one of the best written pieces I have read ever. Very funny

    Kirk

  10. #10
    Join Date
    May 2002
    Location
    Huh?
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    10,917
    Now THAT's what I call a post.

    At least it sounds like you got some nice bourbon out of the deal. Although, that's what probably had her fooled. Next time order some Night Train or Mad Dog. Nothing makes a statement like some nice fortified wine.
    "I knew in an instant that the three dollars I had spent on wine would not go to waste."

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    People's Republic of Shitshow
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    7,613
    me like this thread...yay pantsuits

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    spitting distance from Mavericks
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    2,724
    so, did you get some or what???



    hahaha, just kidding. That was hilarious. Somewhere in a parallel universe, she's writing a TR on her pantsuit forum about the guy with the freaky van full of weird gear.
    “Within this furnace of fear, my passion for life burns fiercely. I have consumed all evil. I have overcome my doubt. I am the fire.”

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Apr 2002
    Location
    Le Lavancher pour le weekend
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    3,339
    OMFG LMFAO

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Posts
    654
    you;re one funny fucker tong. I think you've got a future as a writer, maybe then at least you'd have one thing to impress the pantsuits of the world. But hey, i have one question, she offers you a nightcap, shes a cute blonde, and you don't take it? Maybe the burboun tired you out, or there is one more faccet to the pantsuit effect, because i think you're out of your mind for not tieing her up with her goddamn pantsuit, like it seemed like she wanted. After all her questioning she probably concluded, hey, definitly not money making, husband material here, but in my expeiriance, if girls like that ever do have a one night stand, chances are they pick a guy like you or me. Anyway, still some funny shit. Had me laughing enough to write this little rant.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Dec 2001
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    Øøøtahhh
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    2,735
    Freaking Funny ! ! !
    I am so glad I clicked on this thread even though "Pantsuit" in the title almost killed it for me. Insano gonzo writing, Tonghands!

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
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    2,923
    Instant classic! Refreshing change from the idiocy (and I mean that in a bad, pantsuit-sort of way) of the past week.

  17. #17
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    Dec 2002
    Location
    The Garden State
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    Brilliant! A crushing blow to crisply tailored women everywhere! What next??

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    The Ol' Smoke
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    2,400
    Bloody marvelous read!

    What's even funnier for me (in a kind of juvenile way) is that in the UK your pants are your under wear (you must know that) so I have images of a jacket-knicker combo.................in peach (yuk).

    I now will try to get the word 'pantsuit' in at least one conversation today.
    Monty Python's version of the cougar phenomenon:
    "This is a frightened city. Over these houses, over these streets hangs a pall of fear. Fear of a new kind of violence which is terrorizing the city. Yes, gangs of old ladies attacking defenseless, fit young men".

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Crystal Mtn, WA
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    1,455
    Quote Originally Posted by tonghands
    This harpy's idea of foreplay is a filibuster.[/i]
    Worthy of Tom Robbins, absolutely perfect post. And now I am wondering if any of the Lenas crew got slapped after offering the local women a nice glass of "penis gringo."

    I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Posts
    7,221
    single guy rule # 367:
    never let fashion get in the way of you getting laid
    Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature... Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. -Helen Keller

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Laramie, Wyoming
    Posts
    346
    lol! This thread was hillarious and a great way to start off my morning!
    Small is the number of those that see with their eyes and feel with their hearts - A.E.

  22. #22
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    Shadynasty's Jazz Club
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    8,254
    It's been a while tonghands. I lauged before even opening the thread.

    I'm surprised she didn't ask about the tongs. Most likely she planned to "learn" about them after the night cap.
    Remind me. We'll send him a red cap and a Speedo.

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Location
    upstate NY
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    1,552
    should have gone for it. once you go pantsuit, you never go back.

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
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    ...gone.
    Posts
    6,594
    How did this bizarre and ill-starred hookup come to pass?

  25. #25
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    May 2002
    Location
    Logan, Utah.
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    2,052
    Death to pantsuits.

    Great work!

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