Does Marriage Make Sense Today?

[TahoeJ]

Just remember that finances are the number one cause of divorce. A lot of women (and I'm sure men too) eventually see her money and your money as HER money. We both worked but I was 3-4 X the breadwinner and then she'd spend freely while giving me shit for doing the same. When we were younger she was good with money, I should add, but it didn't last. I cannot emphasize enough the importance to maintain some kind of boundaries in that regard. It shouldn't really be an issue in a strong relationship and if it is then that's a red flag.

[mc089a]

Just remember that finances are the number one cause of divorce. A lot of women (and I'm sure men too) eventually see her money and your money as HER money. We both worked but I was 3-4 X the breadwinner and then she'd spend freely while giving me shit for doing the same. When we were younger she was good with money, I should add, but it didn't last. I cannot emphasize enough the importance to maintain some kind of boundaries in that regard. It shouldn't really be an issue in a strong relationship and if it is then that's a red flag.

How on earth could you solve for that if someone starts acting differently after marriage? That sounds like a nightmare. No warning signs before?

Also wondering if things would be mitigated if both sides earn enough. Someone making $40k while their partner makes $150k is a very different situation to someone making $150k while their partner makes $300k, no?

[grskier]

Go to couples counseling, most will have a pre marriage dialogue that you can go through. Seems cheesy but it works. They can ask the questions so you don't feel like you're pushing things.
Kids - do you want them, when, how many
Finances, what's joint/shared, what's not, etc
What chores will each of you do...
What would break trust...
How do you want to handle disagreements

etc

[wooley12]

How times change. Today vs 1970. So much more economic anxiety today by people with money. OTOH, there are many more people with major money today.

[sirbumpsalot]

How on earth could you solve for that if someone starts acting differently after marriage? That sounds like a nightmare. No warning signs before?

You can't...thats why I'd recommend not getting married UNLESS you have kids and if you do, the kids are gonna eat up your money more than she/he is.

[AK47bp]

Separate bank accounts.

Each of you have a personal checking/savings account and then have a joint checking and savings.

Been married 7 years and fought about A LOT but never finances.

Couldn’t imagine that frustration.


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[summit]

Go to couples counseling, most will have a pre marriage dialogue that you can go through. Seems cheesy but it works. They can ask the questions so you don't feel like you're pushing things.
Kids - do you want them, when, how many
Finances, what's joint/shared, what's not, etc
What chores will each of you do...
What would break trust...
How do you want to handle disagreements

etc

Sound advice here!

[wooley12]

You can't...thats why I'd recommend not getting married UNLESS you have kids and if you do, the kids are gonna eat up your money more than she/he is.

A guy I worked with in a factory back in the day told me he was getting married on Saturday. I said "Congrats Billy. You've got 5 kids and now you're getting married? He said "Number 6 is on the way so we both thought it was time.

[RootSkier]

Tell Billy that vasectomies are FREE.

[TahoeJ]

How on earth could you solve for that if someone starts acting differently after marriage? That sounds like a nightmare. No warning signs before?

Also wondering if things would be mitigated if both sides earn enough. Someone making $40k while their partner makes $150k is a very different situation to someone making $150k while their partner makes $300k, no?

People change, and it happens all the time especially after marriage. Doesn't mean it will happen to you or her but just giving you fair warning in advance. I got a great job right out of college and the company went IPO. A year or two later we got married and co-mingled the funds. My biggest regret. I really can't emphasize this enough.

[XXX-er]

IME apres marriage they worked less

[wooley12]

Tell Billy that vasectomies are FREE.

Got mine from Dr Stoppe (His real name) after 2. I really cant remember why. Probably my wife's idea, but I'm not going to ask.

[hatchgreenchile]

My only advice is prompted by your opening statement.
In marriage, your net worth is not your Worth.
Good luck Jong

[XXX-er]

actualy ^^ its only half

[Hopeless Sinner]

People change, snip........

When the biological clock tics louder and louder, married or not, the woman will likely want kid(s) even if they honestly say they don't want kids before that.

Having kids is the most rewarding, humbling, and sometimes the most painful thing you'll ever experience.

[MontuckyFried]

Go to couples counseling, most will have a pre marriage dialogue that you can go through. Seems cheesy but it works. They can ask the questions so you don't feel like you're pushing things.
Kids - do you want them, when, how many
Finances, what's joint/shared, what's not, etc
What chores will each of you do...
What would break trust...
How do you want to handle disagreements

etc

Sound advice here!

Indeed! That's honestly helped us a ton too. One of the biggest things that we learned about that has made our marriage ssssooooooo much smoother is the whole "love and respect" concept as taught by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. He speaks to a lot of churches and stuff and lots of people taught his concepts for premarital counseling, but even if you don't prescribe to all of it, he breaks down the simple male/female differences in a way that has helped me recognize things SO much better than I ever had before, and vice versa. I give wife what she needs and she gives me what I need too. We have different desires, and that's ok. Biggest thing was learning about the "crazy cycle" like when you're fighting over something stupid, and sometimes how you fall into that trap, and then once you recognize it even in the midst of it you'll be like 'Wait a second! WTF are we even doing?', break the cycle, and maybe have some laughs over it.

[old goat]

My only advice is prompted by your opening statement.
In marriage, your net worth is not your Worth.
Good luck Jong

Like ^^^^

[XXX-er]

I wonder what is the math of giving away half of everything twice, does anyone have the formula ?

In any case everything I have is mine

and i am never wrong when I get up in the morning

[Benny Profane]

and i am never wrong when I get up in the morning

Kinda reminds me of that Sinatra quote.

“I feel sorry for people that don't drink because when they wake up in the morning, that is the best they're going to feel all day.”

[JimmyCarter]

Go to couples counseling, most will have a pre marriage dialogue that you can go through. Seems cheesy but it works. They can ask the questions so you don't feel like you're pushing things.
Kids - do you want them, when, how many
Finances, what's joint/shared, what's not, etc
What chores will each of you do...
What would break trust...
How do you want to handle disagreements

etc

Catholic Church handles that with Pre-Cana. As much as I thought it was going to be a waste of time it’s only a little religious and very big on everything from finances to family and parenting styles. Nice thing to get out of the way before the wedding.

They test you at the end and compare answers against your spouse. Then they make you go through areas of difference and talk over the responses/why you picked what you did. Anecdotally, among us and some friends who went through it at the same time, the “scores” do seem to align with reality.

[dan_pdx]

Separate bank accounts.

Each of you have a personal checking/savings account and then have a joint checking and savings.

Been married 7 years and fought about A LOT but never finances.

Couldn’t imagine that frustration.


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Different strokes for different folks, but we do that too and it works great for us. Joint account for utilities, groceries, the mortgage, vet bills, etc. Separate accounts for our own hobbies, retirement savings, gifts for each other, guys' trips / girls' trips etc. We each disclose to each other how much goes in the joint account and how much goes in our separate accounts. We've never fought about money, but we have more or less always had enough, which makes it easier. Cutting back for us has been "keep your phone for another year or two," not "how many meals can you get from a can of black beans?"

[Danno]

Separate bank accounts.

Each of you have a personal checking/savings account and then have a joint checking and savings.

Been married 7 years and fought about A LOT but never finances.

Couldn’t imagine that frustration.


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For some, like you, that might work to avoid everyday frustrations about finances. But that doesn't address big picture financial questions (what to spend big money on, how much to save and save it for what, inheritances, etc). And depending on the state, if you divorce you might be pretty shocked to discover that all of those separate accounts don't mean squat when it comes to dividing up marital assets.

[TahoeJ]

^^ Not true if you had the money before and kept it separate all along... but you're mostly right, and I know you're a lawyer so you probably have a better grasp on the nuances.

Different strokes for different folks, but we do that too and it works great for us. Joint account for utilities, groceries, the mortgage, vet bills, etc. Separate accounts for our own hobbies, retirement savings, gifts for each other, guys' trips / girls' trips etc. We each disclose to each other how much goes in the joint account and how much goes in our separate accounts. We've never fought about money, but we have more or less always had enough, which makes it easier. Cutting back for us has been "keep your phone for another year or two," not "how many meals can you get from a can of black beans?"

I won't rule out getting married again but going this route will be a deal breaker for me (as in, must do it). IME and this has also happened with friends with joint everything accounts and dealing with false equivalency nonsense. For example, I'm a big golfer and joined a private country club. The dues are $750 per month... it's a very nice extravagance... but my wife would somehow equate that with spending like $2-3k per month on random shit, every damn month. Is this crazy behavior and really easy to spell out and show how nuts it is? Yes, but so is much of marriage.

[Benny Profane]

For some, like you, that might work to avoid everyday frustrations about finances. But that doesn't address big picture financial questions (what to spend big money on, how much to save and save it for what, inheritances, etc). And depending on the state, if you divorce you might be pretty shocked to discover that all of those separate accounts don't mean squat when it comes to dividing up marital assets.

Yeah, state laws are important.

[AK47bp]

For some, like you, that might work to avoid everyday frustrations about finances. But that doesn't address big picture financial questions (what to spend big money on, how much to save and save it for what, inheritances, etc). And depending on the state, if you divorce you might be pretty shocked to discover that all of those separate accounts don't mean squat when it comes to dividing up marital assets.

It sure helps a lot. Those small arguments are relationship death by a 1000 cuts.

The big stuff is easy.

When she’s spending $200 a month on her hair and buying clothes and art supplies non-stop online, and at the same time gives me an attitude when I buy $800 skis every 3 years, that’s the shit that chips away the marriage.

It works for us but not for everyone.





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