Poll: How many of you idiots think you could kill a gorilla?

**Viva** · 08-10-2021, 08:00 PM

Originally Posted by stealurface831

I think some are still confusing chimps and gorillas. Chimps are 70-130 pounds. Gorillas are between 350 and 600.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....

So because little chimpy-poo is smaller than the typical medium-built, semi-muscular human male, it can be defeated in hand-to-paw combat?!

Hollywood, and Wild Kingdom (staring Marlen Perkins and presented to you by Mutual of Omaha!) makes chimps out to be cute cuddly little guys and gorillas to be the ugly strong threatening brutes. They use baby chimps!

But, really, gorillas are a bit shy of humans and passive in comparison to the brutality and ugliness in battle that chimpanzees exhibit.

Adult chimps are huge, ugly monsters that will bite your wiener off, and then rip your arms right out of the sockets, and, finally, eat your face right off your skull. Then they really get nasty.

They're also smarter than at least half the people who voted for Biden/Harris.

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**The Reverend Floater** · 08-10-2021, 08:04 PM

And ...there it is.

**riser4** · 08-10-2021, 08:07 PM

Originally Posted by The Reverend Floater

And ...there it is.

It's good to know a person's true colors. Now we know.

**Mustonen** · 08-10-2021, 08:09 PM

Originally Posted by Kinnikinnick

Would be interesting to see some martial arts techniques used in a human/chimp and human gorilla fight. Those suckers are strong as fuck but wonder whether some karate, tae kwon do, or jiu jitsu moves would even it out.

New Reality TV!!

Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

Opposable thumbs, can lift 1,800 lbs, huge canines and would enjoy eating your face, and fuck you for pain tolerance. Good luck with your judo kick, dude. Silverback won’t even be slowed down by The Mountain’s best sucker punch.

You watch too many hero movies. It’s cool, I enjoy them too.

**Brownski** · 08-10-2021, 08:19 PM

When I was in 5th grade my family took a trip to DC and one day we went to the national zoo. I wandered off on my own and some point and went to the gorilla exhibit. It was mostly outdoors but there was a spot where you could view them through some plexiglass inside a little building. When I went in there was a huge silverback five or six feet from the plexi, just sitting on his ass looking at the ceiling. Something about him was fascinating so I just stood there looking at him for awhile, maybe ten minutes or so. He wasn’t doing anything, just lounging like some old man watching football on TV when, all at once, he is up and just hurls his shoulder into the plexiglass with everything he’s got. Boom. I guess he didn’t like how I was looking at him. I swear to god that window must have flexed a good four inches when he hit it. I didn’t know whether to shit or go blind. He had this big grin on his face as he walked away, giving me the side eye, like “I got you, little boy. Fuck off.”

**The Reverend Floater** · 08-10-2021, 08:29 PM

Originally Posted by Brownski

When I was in 5th grade my family took a trip to DC and one day we went to the national zoo. I wandered off on my own and some point and went to the gorilla exhibit. It was mostly outdoors but there was a spot where you could view them through some plexiglass inside a little building. When I went in there was a huge silverback five or six feet from the plexi, just sitting on his ass looking at the ceiling. Something about him was fascinating so I just stood there looking at him for awhile, maybe ten minutes or so. He wasn’t doing anything, just lounging like some old man watching football on TV when, all at once, he is up and just hurls his shoulder into the plexiglass with everything he’s got. Boom. I guess he didn’t like how I was looking at him. I swear to god that window must have flexed a good four inches when he hit it. I didn’t know whether to shit or go blind. He had this big grin on his face as he walked away, giving me the side eye, like “I got you, little boy. Fuck off.”

Exactly why I hate zoos. Those poor bastards.

**stealurface831** · 08-10-2021, 08:40 PM

look, all i am saying is this:
i think, if given pcp and matched up against a 120lb chimpanzee, i would have a chance. here is why i think that...

This result matches well with the few tests that have been done, which suggest that when it comes to pulling and jumping, chimps are about 1.3 times as strong as humans relative to their body mass. But because they are lighter than the average person, humans can actually outperform them in absolute terms, say O’Neill.

An adult male chimp, he found, pulled about the same weight as an adult man.

okay, now with that in mind, consider this:
i have nearly twice the mass of a 120lb chimp
i haven't lifted in almost 2 years but at my peak, i could one rep max bench 315lbs. now that number is probably closer to 275. okay, 275 divided by my body mass (currently 232) is 1.19. i can lift 1.19 lbs per pound of my body mass. so, assuming this 120lb chimp can indeed lift 1.3X the weight i can lift per pound, 1.19 x 1.3 is 1.547, meaning the chimp can lift 1.547lbs per pound of body mass. well, if the chimp is 120lbs, that means it can only lift 185lbs. i have it beat by nearly 100 lbs.

but i understand, this is only one lift representative of the strength of only one muscle group, and that pure strength alone will not win me this fight. that is where the pcp comes in to play. i am sure that in the annals of pcp history, someone high on pcp has ripped someone else's' face off. (no, the guy who ate the guy's face off in florida doesn't count, and he wasn't even on pcp anyway). assuming the pcp has some sort of significant agitative effect on me, i think i have a chance.

**Brownski** · 08-10-2021, 08:43 PM

Wouldn’t you have to give the chimp PCP too, just to be fair?

**ötzi** · 08-10-2021, 08:44 PM

re: zoos: The National Zoo is in a valley, with dense woods on 3 sides, and there's squirrels all over the place. They go in and out of the cages, wherever they want, laughing at the dumb fucks in the cages. errr, enclosures.

**Woodsy** · 08-10-2021, 08:45 PM

Originally Posted by riser3

It's good to know a person's true colors. Now we know.

You haven't been paying attention.

**ötzi** · 08-10-2021, 08:46 PM

Originally Posted by Brownski

Wouldn’t you have to give the chimp PCP too, just to be fair?

Who said it has to be fair?

**ötzi** · 08-10-2021, 08:47 PM

Originally Posted by Woodsy

You haven't been paying attention.

Racists trend red, who knew?

**stealurface831** · 08-10-2021, 08:47 PM

Originally Posted by Brownski

Wouldn’t you have to give the chimp PCP too, just to be fair?

no, because my ingesting the pcp is in an effort to conjure this primal aggression within me that is inherent in the chimp.

**ZomblibulaX** · 08-10-2021, 08:54 PM

Well, so far TGR is about four times more wrong than the rest of America. So that's... pretty typical of us I suppose.

Originally Posted by stealurface831

look, all i am saying is this:
i think, if given pcp and matched up against a 120lb chimpanzee, i would have a chance. here is why...

(Maths)

...assuming the pcp has some sort of significant agitative effect on me, i think i have a chance.

My buddy's dad was sheriff when we were kids; they hauled in a guy on PCP, put him in a holding cell, and he punched the little wire-reinforced plexi window hard enough to blow it out, pulverizing nearly every bone in his hand and wrist in the process, then went on to punch three deputies who tried to restrain him. I've no doubt it would make you stronger.

But how many times have you fought for your very life, against bigger opponents than you, who live that experience nearly day to day? Chimps cannibalize each other and fuck the dead for sport. They smash babies heads in and tear each other to pieces just for social status. You might be bigger than a chimp, and even stronger, but you will never match that ferocity, even on drugs.

And yes, fuck a whole lot of fighting a goose. They can break your arm, mean shit-filled bastards that they are

**Brownski** · 08-10-2021, 08:57 PM

Originally Posted by stealurface831

no, because my ingesting the pcp is in an effort to conjure this primal aggression within me that is inherent in the chimp.

I think it would be cheating but no matter what kind of performance enhancer you took, I’m pretty sure you would get your face eaten.

**BmillsSkier** · 08-10-2021, 08:59 PM

Fuck me, chimp life sounds raw as hell.

Where’s DigitalDrew with his take?

**ötzi** · 08-10-2021, 09:00 PM

Well you'll have the jump on him. He's just gonna be hanging out like usual and you're gonna run in full of roids and pcp. That chimp is definitely going to be surprised.

**AEvospace** · 08-10-2021, 09:08 PM

Originally Posted by stealurface831

look, all i am saying is this:
i think, if given pcp and matched up against a 120lb chimpanzee, i would have a chance. here is why i think that...

okay, now with that in mind, consider this:
i have nearly twice the mass of a 120lb chimp
i haven't lifted in almost 2 years but at my peak, i could one rep max bench 315lbs. now that number is probably closer to 275. okay, 275 divided by my body mass (currently 232) is 1.19. i can lift 1.19 lbs per pound of my body mass. so, assuming this 120lb chimp can indeed lift 1.3X the weight i can lift per pound, 1.19 x 1.3 is 1.547, meaning the chimp can lift 1.547lbs per pound of body mass. well, if the chimp is 120lbs, that means it can only lift 185lbs. i have it beat by nearly 100 lbs.

but i understand, this is only one lift representative of the strength of only one muscle group, and that pure strength alone will not win me this fight. that is where the pcp comes in to play. i am sure that in the annals of pcp history, someone high on pcp has ripped someone else's' face off. (no, the guy who ate the guy's face off in florida doesn't count, and he wasn't even on pcp anyway). assuming the pcp has some sort of significant agitative effect on me, i think i have a chance.

Do you even lift bro? Bench Press standards at your weight show 287 one rep max is barely intermediate level.

Lolz, Props on that lift if you're younger, which I think you are

**I Skied Bandini Mountain** · 08-10-2021, 09:11 PM

Chicago rats are bad enough, I've seen some squirrels there I would definitely run away from. Evil bastards, I would keep count on my car door like a WW2 fighter pilot if I lived there

**stealurface831** · 08-10-2021, 09:12 PM

Originally Posted by ZomblibulaX

My buddy's dad was sheriff when we were kids; they hauled in a guy on PCP, put him in a holding cell, and he punched the little wire-reinforced plexi window hard enough to blow it out, pulverizing nearly every bone in his hand and wrist in the process, then went on to punch three deputies who tried to restrain him. I've no doubt it would make you stronger.

But how many times have you fought for your very life, against bigger opponents than you, who live that experience nearly day to day? Chimps cannibalize each other and fuck the dead for sport. They smash babies heads in and tear each other to pieces just for social status. You might be bigger than a chimp, and even stronger, but you will never match that ferocity, even on drugs.

the ferocity aspect is the main reason i am not convinced i would win.

if you gave me a bat, i'm fairly confident i could absolutely demolish a chimp in 60 seconds.

**stealurface831** · 08-10-2021, 09:13 PM

Originally Posted by AEvospace

Do you even lift bro? Bench Press standards at your weight show 287 one rep max is barely intermediate level.

no, i do not lift anymore. i thought i made that pretty clear.

**I Skied Bandini Mountain** · 08-10-2021, 09:14 PM

Originally Posted by stealurface831

the ferocity aspect is the main reason i am not convinced i would win.

if you gave me a bat, i'm fairly confident i could absolutely demolish a chimp in 60 seconds.

That chimp is going to use that bat to pick it's teeth after it eats your face.

**AEvospace** · 08-10-2021, 09:15 PM

Originally Posted by stealurface831

no, i do not lift anymore. i thought i made that pretty clear.

I was just kidding. I edited it because maybe that wasn't clear. Clearly you don't, if you don't get the "DYELB" joke

**stealurface831** · 08-10-2021, 09:16 PM

Originally Posted by I Skied Bandini Mountain

That chimp is going to use that bat to pick it's teeth after it eats your face.

one shot to the head and the fragments of that chimps skull are imbedded in it's brain.

**stealurface831** · 08-10-2021, 09:22 PM

Originally Posted by AEvospace

I was just kidding. I edited it because maybe that wasn't clear. Clearly you don't, if you don't get the "DYELB" joke

i know, i know.
i'll tell you who doesn't lift bro: that fuckin chimp. i can get stronger in preparation for our bout. i don't think he has the mental capacity to grasp the concept of strength training.