Fatherhood anonymous; an open discussion on being a dad.

[Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo]

I have a friend who is married to a younger, very ambitious doctor who popped out two kids right after residency. She has the higher paying, better career, than my friend. They are struggling as parents despite the fact they have tons of money, and have an abundance of nannies. I tell him he should try to go down to part time and become a house husband. He doesn't want to, not because of the lost income (they don't need the money) but because he enjoys the time away from the family at his job. I think there is also the "man needs to be the breadwinner" belief and it would hurt his ego.

This is basically my wife and I, sans nannies. And while I wouldn't say we're "struggling" as a couple or parents, we've both struggled with societies (and our own) expectations of what we should be as Mom/Dad, husband/wife, employee/parent etc. My job allows me a ton of flexibility and for most of the last 12 years since we had our oldest daughter I've been working 3/4 time for a lot of the year as the primary day-to-day caregiver for our 2 girls. I've had to say no to plenty of stuff at work and have had many awkward conversations about how I can't do this or that because the kids have xyz. My boss is awesome, but it doesn't make me feel any better about the employee I am. I was raised that when work says jump, your only real answer should be "how high", plus I love my job and want to be good at it. But my wife deals with plenty of the same stuff as a mom in a high-powered corporate job, just in reverse. So you're definitely not alone Bio, all parents deal with this shit, even the ones who love being parents and make you want to puke, like me!

As someone who enjoys the role of parent, most of my advice will probably come off sounding a lot like "suck it up". And the advice that won't sound that way has already been said. But like Rev said at the end of his post, you don't really have a choice at this point. They're here and they'll always be here. They're yours and they'll always be yours. And maybe most importantly, they're here because you and your wife wanted them here, not through any choice of their own. The reasons for that choice and the disconnect between the expectation and reality of that choice aren't something we get to change after the fact. The proverbial dye has been cast and we all have to come terms with those parental realities eventually. You're not a bad person/parent or any more selfish then the rest of us. And you've given us all a chance, or permission maybe, to vent, which as guys we don't do very often, even with each other. So thanks! Try and hang in there and remember you're not alone.

[basinbeater]

Have your wife have an honest discussion with your kid and ask WTF is up at school ? Tell your kid to get it together or have consequences of losing things that are important to him. In my experience social engineering like what your wife is proposing never works, it usually just leads to deceit and lying. Also remind her there is a 50/50 chance your kid is the instigator of "bad" behavior.
I have 3 grown kids and my BIGGEST fear when they were young was one or more of them would end up with a friend group like I had as a kid but luckily I dodged that bullet.

Yeah absolutely. He had hockey taken away earlier in the year for BS and lying. And some of the time he is the instigator, and sometimes he is not. He did a decent job in the fall of avoiding trouble at school for a while, and the two other kids did get in more trouble.
I got in trouble a ton starting in elementary school all the way up through high school. I turned out okay. But dealing g with the trouble is a pain in the ass, I'd much rather he stay out of trouble.
I just wish we could have a united front on our parenting, we do both try to back each other up in front of the kids, but fuck if we don't fight about what to do and come from what frequently seems like opposite ends of the spectrum.

And he is not old enough yet, but i worry about drugs and alcohol when he gets older, cause yeah. I made it out of that mess too, but some of our friends did not.

All the new parents in the thread that were all positive and my little one is great, and look at my baby Bjorn are reading the last few pages like, "shit. Doesn't sound as fun as i thought it was going to be". Too late now suckers! In it for the haul!

All the above Bs said, i do love being a parent and love my kids to death. It's dealing with them that turns my hair grey. Lol.

[muted reborn]

My wife and I are currently fighting about what to do about the kid up the street. She says, i don't want to let our kid go to his house, and he can't come to our house. 10 year old boys. The other kid, is in the same class, plays on the hockey team (I'm coach) and literally lives half a block up the hill. He has a sport court where he and several other kids from the neighborhood and the hockey team go to play street hockey.
I think blocking the kid out out is destined for failure and deceit from our kid. Asking him to block the kid out puts my boy in an impossible position that will lead to him lying to us to go over there and play street hockey, and force us into being assholes and not allowing the one kid in our house when the kids come this way. I think we need to engage and have the other kid around to where we can see and understand the dynamics better, and influence them.
I fucking hate these discussions because it quickly turns into a fight, that i don't respect her side of the argument, and it quickly becomes not about the issue at hand, but about how she and i have different ideas about parenting and solving problems.
So yeah.

This was all brought about by a note from the teacher today who said he is slipping into habits at school that are negative after having had a great fall, and a strong report card in Jan. He and the other kid along with a red have been in and out of trouble all fall.

That is shitty. I don't like most of our neighborhood kids and it's difficult to to impossible to steer our kids away from certain ones when there is no other option. One kid has a problem keeping his penis in his pants and then asking my daughter to touch it, which I was told was stopped cold by his parents when we told them - fun times. We have no problem blocking him 99% of the time - no playing inside in ANY house with him ever, ever- but he still hangs out in the neighborhood with every kid so he's unavoidable and he knows I have zero tolerance with any bad behavior from him when I see him. There is no clear cut solution unfortunately.

[basinbeater]

Damn dude. That is a terrible situation.

[skaredshtles]

<snip>
All the new parents in the thread that were all positive and my little one is great, and look at my baby Bjorn are reading the last few pages like, "shit. Doesn't sound as fun as i thought it was going to be". Too late now suckers! In it for the haul!

As a parent and as an adult that dealt quite a bit with kids (via Scouts), I always counseled the boys to not ever have children.

I told them when they *did* end up having kids, to remember that I told them not to.

[lowsparkco]

basinbeater for what it’s worth, I’m with you. Banning the kid is not the solution. I think leaning in would be a lot of focus on personal responsibility and what his goals are going forward (your boy) - maybe this is the opportunity you need to encourage him to make his own decisions and hang out when he wants and it’s healthy i.e. playing hockey and that he needs to man up and say no when it doesn’t meet his goals. Practice for future decisions with drugs and alcohol. As far as the kid coming over to your house I’d say keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Kids forget you’re around so quickly, gives you a chance to spy on him and figure out his kryptonite. Also all trouble isn’t created equal. Mischievous is one thing, so playing bad cop with the uptight school might allow you to help your boy start distinguishing what is really problematic. You can get in a little trouble and still make great grades, don’t ask me how I know.

[SkiLyft]

For the times when it’s tough. This book made me laugh.

Still read it when she’s being a shit..
https://amzn.to/3JPFMGI


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[riser4]

If anyone is feeling down about their parenting style, or the fact that reality is not living up to what they see their friends post on social media, I can tell some stories to make you feel better.

Lulz. Me, also.

[yeahman]

We made an effort to not insert ourselves between our kids and their friends. It was tempting a couple times, but we let them figure it out, and fortunately they did eventually. That said if you feel your kid is in danger, don't hesitate to do what's necessary.

We all just figure it out as we go.

[Hopeless Sinner]

Where are the posts of the father, SAHD, posting from Germany or Switz w 3 young kids one of whom was developmentally disabled? Could have sworn this was the thread he posted in. He was an American married to a European.

That guy was an all time inspiration. He broke his ass to make a few turns, hiked w the kids - carried them iirc, basically devoted his life to the well being of his family.

[BobMc]

My 25yo came over tonight on his way home from work, he’d had his yearly evaluation with his boss today. He got the maximum allowable raise and was told they’d received numerous calls from customers praising him.

His boss told him, “I wish I could thank your Dad for raising a kid with your work ethic.”

That shit felt pretty good.

[waveshello]

Where are the posts of the father, SAHD, posting from Germany or Switz w 3 young kids one of whom was developmentally disabled? Could have sworn this was the thread he posted in. He was an American married to a European.

That guy was an all time inspiration. He broke his ass to make a few turns, hiked w the kids - carried them iirc, basically devoted his life to the well being of his family.

Got 3: 5(g) - 4(g) - 9mo(b)

Oh boy the first one freaked me the fuck out. I really struggled to come to grips with things over the first year. I was always there and playing, but it forced me to be less of a lazy POS and it worked. Just forced me to be better. Wish I had kids earlier for that reason.

2nd one was only 21mo behind so that was a little quick, but I never got out of practice. Me and #1 were super fucking tight by that point, because my wife was useless the last month of her pregnancy. But gelled with the 2nd one quick. #1 was a cat, #2 was a dog, if you know what I mean.

3rd has down syndrome, which we didn't know till half a day after he was born. He had a congenital heart issue which was misdiagnosed as something much more urgent so he spent the first week in Intensive Care even though he didn't need to. Two weeks in the hospital, open heart surgery at 3 months, 3 more weeks in the hospital. I would say a total nightmare but he's doing great now so I wouldn't say I got PTSD, but it was tough for a while.

It was funny how the looming surgery turned out to be such a positive thing. Having a child diagnosed with down syndrome can make you think there's a mistake or something bad happened to "me". I was so scared he was going to die or be harmed by the surgery that I just took every second I could to focus on him. Get him smiling, get him talking, repeat. I have good kid play endurance, but it was a whole other level. I couldn't be distracted. I gave #1 10 kisses a day, #2 100 kisses a day, #3 got 10,000. And the threat of mortal danger made me pick a side of the fence. Did something bad happen to me, or did I just get a sweet baby? And it was clear that something good had happened. I love him the same as his sisters.

I think most parents with a child with a disability take a while to come to grips with it. The surgery deadline pressure cooked that whole thing for me. Being at a children's hospital for a few weeks also puts things in perspective.

Back to the nuts and bolts of this whole parenting thing:

I'm USA, wife is Germany. We live in Austria. I've got a decent view from both sides. My wife made most of these calls.

Sleeping: Babies nursed in bed with my wife. They still haven't left. I loved it from the start, although I did move out of the bed with #1 for a couple months on my choosing (light sleeping hadn't been beaten out of me). I didn't do shit at night unless somebody was sick. I was up early, then took the baby, wife could sleep in. I've always slept good, unless I choose not too. The girls will move into their own beds this Spring because they want to. I basically had my own bed as they all crowd up with mom. Can't complain.

Baby nursing next to mom is a dad's best friend. Just be ready to let mom sleep in. I understand this is a contentious issue in the US, no one in my family supported it, but when no babies suffocated they STFU about it.

Feeding: 100% breastfed, even #3 which given the surgery and down syndrome is rare and basically, no one in the medical establishment thought it was a remote possibility. My wife fought hard for this one, and it wouldn't have been possible if she didn't have the experience from before. The girls stopped around 2. We know people that have gone longer. Less of a big deal here, but not so common either.

Work: Wife went on her 1 year mother break, then extended and then had another baby, then never went back, then had another. We have our european wellfare babies. I'm sole income, which is ironic, I'm a college dropout (go Utes) and she's got a masters. I always worked from home and #1 forced me to stop being lazy there too, slowly, I was making enough to support a family.

Sports: Round 1 was hard. I had a bit of crisis and decided I should do freeride competitions. I didn't ski much at all that season so I was super out of shape and wasted all my time traveling, and sucking, but whatever. After I had a nervous breakdown (work, kid, tired), then I started going on long walks with #1. 2,3,4,5 hours I built it up. The longer I could keep her away from mom. I just carried her in my arms, or she slept in the carrier. When she was 1 we move to a little ski town and I got hiking with her daily. Lots of vert. I got a few ski days in when #2 came on Dec 31, then I was a little screwed. I could get out when both of them were sleeping for like 2 hours door to door. Then not at all sometimes. Then I started hiking with both. 3mo in the carrier and almost 2yo in my arms, switching sides. I would just look up at epic spines, cry inside, then plow up the hills out of desperation. I got fucking jacked. We'd go 6 days a week.

This really saved me and got me through those "I don't want to play with the kids" times because I was kinda doing what I wanted, but I was doing my part and my wife had free time. I almost forget how psycho I would be sometimes. I had to cut the girls off and let them walk on there own, so the hiking mellowed, but I was allowed more solo free time. A couple of hours a day. Running, skateboarding, skiing. Doing something is key, then I can sit down and play barbies for 3 hours.

Luckily #3 was stable by the time this winter started, but now my wife's saying it's her turn to go today! I drop my daughter off at kindergarten, then can ski for 1.5 hours, then do some work, then give my wife a few hours to ski or do whatever and I finish up work in the evening. She recreates less than me, gives more than me, and so I'm very thankful for that. I'm skiing as good as I was when I was 23 (35 now).

I would say I'm more around my kids than your average full-time working dad, because I work from home and have a super flexible schedule. The more time I spend with the kids, the more I like them, the less I spend, the more their BS gets to me. If you can't sit for 2 hours and play with your kids (when you have time) then you've gotta ask yourself, "why?" Everybody has a different answer, but that answer is important to your relationship with your kids. They're skiing and I'll train them how to do mountain stuff, but I want to spend time with them outside of that stuff as well.

When you split them up they are easy, the girls together skiing is fun as hell now. And just having the baby is super fucking easy at this point. What initially makes that stuff hard is paying attention. You just wanna be somewhere else so it's tough, simple as that. Babies cry, bounce them. Can you bounce them for 20 minutes? Yes, you can.

If I pay attention I realize that it's more fun and rewarding than anything. Just this morning I had to give up a powder day as I had the girls, so I skied with them and had a blast. I could have even left them with Granny who's visited, but I just manned up and played with my kids.

Even while not skiing, If I don't pretend I need to be doing other things we have tons of fun.

It's hard being a dad, but now I'm way less nervous or less often wishing I was somewhere else. A big part of that is doing something I find satisfying personally and doing a little of that. We're all humans and need to have our fun. No one gives a flying fuck about my kickflip, but a good one will get me through the day.

As far as #3, he's doing great and we don't do anything different with him, so I'm sure he'll be out there skiing soon enough. He might be around forever, or he might find his wings, things are a lot different in the information age so we're not gonna limit him. Maybe empty nests are overrated!

.

[J. Barron DeJong]

JRainey sounds like an amazing dad. No other dads should be hard on themselves for not meeting the lofty standards he’s set.

[bio-smear]

JRainey sounds like an amazing dad. No other dads should be hard on themselves for not meeting the lofty standards he’s set.

Inarguably. That's part of the guilt though—not wanting to be a super dad.

[MarcusBrody]

My wife and I are currently fighting about what to do about the kid up the street. She says, i don't want to let our kid go to his house, and he can't come to our house. 10 year old boys. The other kid, is in the same class, plays on the hockey team (I'm coach) and literally lives half a block up the hill. He has a sport court where he and several other kids from the neighborhood and the hockey team go to play street hockey.
I think blocking the kid out out is destined for failure and deceit from our kid. Asking him to block the kid out puts my boy in an impossible position that will lead to him lying to us to go over there and play street hockey, and force us into being assholes and not allowing the one kid in our house when the kids come this way. I think we need to engage and have the other kid around to where we can see and understand the dynamics better, and influence them.
I fucking hate these discussions because it quickly turns into a fight, that i don't respect her side of the argument, and it quickly becomes not about the issue at hand, but about how she and i have different ideas about parenting and solving problems.
So yeah.

This was all brought about by a note from the teacher today who said he is slipping into habits at school that are negative after having had a great fall, and a strong report card in Jan. He and the other kid along with a red have been in and out of trouble all fall.

Maybe I missed it up thread, but why doesn't your wife want your son hanging out with this kid?

[Touring_Sedan]

Inarguably. That's part of the guilt though—not wanting to be a super dad.

It's all about balance. It's impossible to be the best dad, best husband and best man you can be for yourself simultaneously. You need to find that happy medium for yourself, it's different for everyone. Judging your successes by what you see on the internet, or by the life you used to live is futile. This isn't the life you used to live, nor should it be. Yeah, it sucks 80% of the time, make that 20% where it doesn't worth living for.

I have a theory, the more folks post about their successes and triumphs on the internet, the more they're trying to hide their failures from themselves.

[basinbeater]

Maybe I missed it up thread, but why doesn't your wife want your son hanging out with this kid?

They've gotten in trouble together at school more than once and he's been in additional trouble without our kid, and he has been mean to my daughter more than once.
My wife is quick to establish and hold a grudge, it's an old family trait I've come to learn.
I like the kid just fine. He is probably the best defenceman on our team, he listens well at practice, and plays hard.

[fatnslow]

They've gotten in trouble together at school more than once and he's been in additional trouble without our kid, and he has been mean to my daughter more than once.
My wife is quick to establish and hold a grudge, it's an old family trait I've come to learn.
I like the kid just fine. He is probably the best defenceman on our team, he listens well at practice, and plays hard.

Hmm, sounds just like young basinbeater minus the garage full of stereos ?

[MarcusBrody]

They've gotten in trouble together at school more than once and he's been in additional trouble without our kid, and he has been mean to my daughter more than once.
My wife is quick to establish and hold a grudge, it's an old family trait I've come to learn.
I like the kid just fine. He is probably the best defenceman on our team, he listens well at practice, and plays hard.

I think the "been mean to my daughter more than once" is the tough part. School issues are tough, but can also lead to lessons and having the kid around your house/on your team can help you mentor him and your kid on how to deal/avoid such things. But I also see how if he's being a dick to another (I presume younger) family member why your wife wouldn't want him around. Obviously it depends on what is actually happening, but I would warn him that if he kept being mean to your daughter, he wasn't going to be welcome and then follow through if he did even if it was awkward when everyone else got to come. After a period, I'd let him try again.

[basinbeater]

Agree with both of you. ^^^^

[yeahman]

My 25yo came over tonight on his way home from work, he’d had his yearly evaluation with his boss today. He got the maximum allowable raise and was told they’d received numerous calls from customers praising him.

His boss told him, “I wish I could thank your Dad for raising a kid with your work ethic.”

That shit felt pretty good.

That is a great compliment. Nice job.

[frorider]

JRainey sounds like an amazing dad. No other dads should be hard on themselves for not meeting the lofty standards he’s set.

Yeah dunno, I’m withholding props until we know how well JRainey did in the FWT while holding down a job and raising 3 kids.

[schuss]

Yeah dunno, I’m withholding props until we know how well JRainey did in the FWT while holding down a job and raising 3 kids.

https://www.freerideworldtour.com/ri...iney?season=63

Better than I would have.

[The Reverend Floater]

My 25yo came over tonight on his way home from work, he’d had his yearly evaluation with his boss today. He got the maximum allowable raise and was told they’d received numerous calls from customers praising him.

His boss told him, “I wish I could thank your Dad for raising a kid with your work ethic.”

That shit felt pretty good.

I don't care how smart, pretty or funny my girls are. To me, this and being good people are the most important. Nice work!

[muted reborn]

I dunno, being funny is up there in importance. Gotta care a little bit IMO.