Fatherhood anonymous; an open discussion on being a dad.

[SkiLyft]

What up gents —

I find myself smack in the middle of this wild adventure with some thoughts to share.

While initially I felt alone in my thoughts the more I talked to other dads the more I realized pretty much every dude feels similar things when thrust into this position and I think we need to talk more openly about this.

Like most of you guys my church is gravity, all stress and qualms up to this point in my life could be abated by sitting on a chairlift, shuffling up a skin track, or pedaling down soft loam. I am no stranger to stress and the above activities have seen me through PA school and placed me into a very successful career within my current company. I say this to illustrate the point that my coping strategies have always worked and helped me rise above tough times.

Why now is it different? Well, I have some thoughts but I’m also hoping to hear from the collective on this too!

Things I’ve noticed —

I am more of an anxious person — this is wild to me I’ve never had anxiety other than anxiety related to passing boards or performing well at an interview. You know the type of anxiety which heightens your senses and makes one perform at their best but passes quickly once the task is complete! The anxiety I feel now is different, I’ll be great one moment then feel this intense burden of anxious feelings which I can’t shake, this will last 10 minutes or a whole day. I’ve dug more into this and I think it stems from a few things the primary being concern for my daughter but I know sleep deprivation can’t be helping with that!

Anyways, more ramblings to come but my attention is required elsewhere haha.

Maybe I need to grow a fucking set and deal but I see this thread a place we can celebrate our successes and failures, voice concerns, and seek guidance from those who have walked this road before.



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[Gepeto]

Daddyisim is what it is... all encompassing

Standing at the entry to gnar (to you). You drop in because you looked past your anxiety or you blended it in to your execution.

no anxiety in your d2d life should be a greater test than what your chosen metaphysical therapy requires... ymmv

*
or it could just be the beginnings of male menopause

[54-46]

Slow down and enjoy every day. Ages 4-11 are like magic. Super fun and cute.

You’ll be busier and the forced discipline with savings and time efficiency will feel good when you get it right. Just keep going!

My daughter is 15 and is my ski buddy.

Every kid has their challenges, but it’s super rewarding to see them come into their own.


Japan, 2020

[jfost]

Why now is it different? ...sleep deprivation...

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2 things, 1. You hit the nail on the head, you need to get through the lack of sleep and it gets way better without really noticing or doing anything different as the kid(s) get older

2. Nothing will ever be the same and I don’t think it is possible to feel as free in your gravitational pursuits as you once did, but now those moments that come close are way more special IMHO. Different, better or worse? Maybe some of each...

Seeing your kid grow is your new church, everything else fades a bit.

Enjoy!

[johnnyg82]

My daughter turns two next Monday. Holy ffff, you don’t really notice how much time flies.

I was on parental leave from July 2019 until March 23, 2020, when I “returned to work” it was all working from home. I’m still working from home as we’re well into a third wave.

My wife went back to work November 2019, and has to be at the office. She’s the boss, and it’s not work that can be done remotely.

She comes home most days to work on advertising and her social media. It’s exhausting for her, and I think we’re both lonely.

My mental health has been ok for most of this, but damn some days are long and hard when trying to work from home with an almost two year old.

I used to bike commute 20km daily to and from the office, which was great for my sanity, but that no longer happens. I got a 2 hour ski ‘day’ this winter.

The weather has finally almost made getting on my bike (with a toddler seat) realistic again after winter, maybe this week I hope.

I never thought being a dad would be easy, it’s tough, but hell is it fun some days.

[yeahman]

I understand what you're feeling OP. When you decide to become a parent you basically sacrifice the peace of mind that came from only having to worry about yourself. That's a huge amount of worry too take on--all the "what ifs" that could happen to your kid. And whatever happens to them is going to be ten times harder on you, even though you can't show it. So your anxiety is something every parent feels to one degree or another.

But you can't protect them from everything and you need to somehow let a little bit of that stress go, for your own sake. There's a great line in The Wire where D'Angelo's mom says, "I may have brought you into this world--but you're the one who's going to have to live in it." Kind of touches on what I'm talking about.

The key, for me, is to let go of the "what ifs" and focus on what is. If everything is good today, and your kid is happy and healthy, be grateful and enjoy it. If things change, you'll deal with that when it happens. But in the meantime let gratitude be the attitude.

Hope this corny shit makes sense. [emoji3]

[Hopeless Sinner]

When you care about the well being of a person you helped bring into the world anxiety is perfectly normal. This means your job and relationship w your wife take on an outsize importance and results in more stress since the money and wife are part of making sure that your kid(s) are happy and well taken care of. My kid is 22yo, relatively normal and well adjusted starting her career teaching remotely in a pandemic, but my wife spends a hour a day taking care of her. And I worry cause I get the playback from my wife. My point being that the anxiety although it will lessen over time will always be there.

My advice is to take care of yourself and wife. Maintain your health, and fitness so you can handle what life is going to throw at you and them so your there for the long term. If you need mental help don't hesitate to see your mental health provider.

[KQ]

My friend's husband ended up in the hospital with chest pains shortly after his first daughter was born. More of a panic attack than a heart attack but still he was overcome by the intense feelings of responsibility.

[riser4]

I had my appendix out 20 days after my wife had a c-section with our first kid (of three). My wife was not amused.

[Brownski]

Being a parent changes everything. I’m amazed at what I will put up with from my employer and customers because my family depends on me earning money. When I was younger, $500 in the bank was fuck you money for me. Anxiety and worrying are part of it. And it’s not going away as they get older either. Earlier this year my son was night skiing without us and took a fall. I got a call from him saying he didn’t really remember what happened but patrol was recommending he go to the ER for a cat scan. I could tell from the way he was talking that he was punch drunk at the very least. He turned out to be ok but the hour it took me to drive over and then the hour additional to get any word on him (covid restrictions prevented me from entering the hospital) were torture. My mind went to some dark places on that drive.

[SkiLyft]

Wow, I really appreciate the genuine responses this has prompted — knew I wasn’t alone!

Embracing this new chapter sounds key as this parental anxiety isn’t going anywhere haha!

For me it’s learning to enjoy the NOW and not look forward to these future times as who knows what that future will actually hold.


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[Aolias]

First off- congrats!

I use an alias because some public searches tie me to this forum, but I'm barely in the thing- my first just turned 3 a week ago, which is hard to believe, and the missus and I just had the first appointment to confirm all's well on #2 in the oven a few days ago. Have only told a few close family members, but feels good to spread the news amongst internet strangers- baby due mid october. Sex will remain unknown unless an obvious schlong presents itself on a future sonogram like the first time around...

As other dads have mentioned, yes, major changes are here. I've been through some really tough shit in the last 3-ish years trying to adapt to being a father, grow as a man, and just be a generally productive grownup in society while juggling a career change to better accommodate family life. Kids disrupt fucking *everything* when you're used to setting your own schedule, doing things in your own time, and working out your stressors via gravity like you mentioned. Today I am much much more a creature of discipline, schedule, and habit than ever before. It doesn't feel much easier most days, but the ripples of trial and error are much less turbulent. I *almost* feel like I have a handle on how to mange myself while being the dad/husband I'd like to be.

I don't need to dump all my issues on you, but yes, it's normal to be anxious- it's an incredible responsibility. The fact that you started this thread means you're understanding that your normal modus operandi may not cut the proverbial mustard with children in play. I also never thought of myself as an anxious or depressive person, but throw in a child, a career change, then a pandemic... Things get hard.

I recommend daily meditation of any kind. Even just for 5-10 minutes if you can find the time. I know in the early stages you don't even know what day it is or which way is up, so just hang on. Try to find rest when you can, the sleep deprivation can be a real killer. Good luck, and don't feel guilty for advocating for your needs when things get really rough. It's much better to tell your partner you might im/explode if you don't get XYZ than if you just appear to do it out of nowhere. Congrats again! It's been the most trying and rewarding few years of my life but I'm so much better for it!

[Core Shot]

Daddyisim is what it is... all encompassing

*
or it could just be the beginnings of male menopause

Yep. There it is.

Life changing.

But, like a cliché it’s the truth. Kids are the best thing you will ever do with your time here.

Glisse has been your escape. Don’t be afraid to step up and escape your kids. We all need to get away. Then you can come back refreshed

[Hughwindlip]

Great thread. 18 month old girl. Our first.

No family around and pandemic. Wife and I have had to really buckle down and that was hard. Really hard. But, enjoying the moment, each moment, is right. Put down the phone, get them outside when able and take a breath and enjoy watching them figure it out.

She started saying "shit" today. A little startled and worried... but taking it in stride is what I have learned best.

Don't stop doing stuff (chores for house and kid) until your partner is done for the night too. It seems to help get the team on the right path.

I'm no expert and this was trial by fire for me, no books, just Giv'r.

Cheers gents.

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[hatchgreenchile]

Welcome to parenthood - bring coffee.

Skilyft, don't beat yourself up. ISBD said it best in some other thread, everything is harder right now.

We have a 6 year old and a 5 month old. The first 18 months are the hardest. Getting into the right groove with your kid, friends, relatives, spouse, career, health and personal activities takes time. Some sacrifices will need to be made, but you have to trust that you and your spouse will make the right ones!

It gets much easier when you can incorporate kids into your activities. Mini HGC went to elk camp at 2, started boarding at 3, and did her first overnight backpack at 4. The amount of joy you'll have when your kid enjoys similar activities of yours is immeasurable.

Day 1 sliding downhill

[XXX-er]

Welcome to parenthood - bring coffee. ]

At the time I always wondered why EVERY parent in soccer & little league on saturday morning had the huge fucking travel mug, did they really need to drink that much coffee ?

and then years later i realized those coffee mugs were full of mother little helper,

what a draaag it is getting old

[Dshack89]

I had an awesome day with my 2 year old today. We went biking on the macride in the morning and skiing together in the afternoon. Just the 2 of us, doesnt get much better than that. Lots of smiles and "send the big jumps daddy" moments. I can relate to almost everything that has been said in here...great stuff.

I had a moment of clarity while skiing behind her this afternoon holding onto her leash. I can drop the leash and she will most likely do just fine. She has learned the tools to make it work. She will eventually fall, but I can help her back up.

But man, sometimes I just want to hold on to the leash to protect her from the "what ifs". The trees on the side of the run, the other kids zooming by, etc. My moment of clarity was that this struggle with letting go isn't going away when she graduates to no leash / no edgie wedgie. I better use this time now to mature as a dad so I can help her become the most independent skier-- and eventually person, she can be. Letting go is hard! Particularly when you know it will bring some tears at times.

[Buzzworthy]

Parental anxiety never goes away if you’re doing things right.

[XXX-er]

i did for awhile ^^ and then i realized you can't be there for everytime he does something when you are not around also he is pretty good but still you get that call " yeah mr XXX he cased the jump went over the bars aint breathing really good, should we take him to the hospitol ? " yes trevor, take him to emerg, i am 2hrs away but i will meet you there

also we paddled grade 4 ww when if something fucked up you couldnt get to him but he was pretty good

but now he is the guy who does the worrying and i am just the crazier of the 2 granpa's

[Cono Este]

No mention of your kids age.

But a couple of yrs ago I ran myself down pretty good shuffling work schedules and appointments with kids practice and tutoring schedule.

I’d then get to my ex’s house and they were never ready.

It’s too much, you have to seriously learn to roll with the punches and always remain chill. Otherwise you will miss out on a lot and your kids will just see you pissed all the time.

Sooner or later that anxiety will eat you up.


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[SkiLyft]

No mention of your kids age.

Right - 7 week old lil gal!


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[The Reverend Floater]

If it makes you feel better, I had a legitimate, walk-outside-lie-down sized panic attack in the middle of our birth class, BEFORE my first daughter was born.

IME, you need to carve out time for yourself, even if it's way less than you used to have. For me there is simply no substitute for being in the woods, on the mountain or on the river. At first I thought I was being selfish, clinging to my outdoor time, but I came to realize that I require it....and that's okay because it makes me a better dad and husband.

Don't feel weird or ashamed or bad. You're a human.

[Buzzworthy]

When my wife called me to tell me I was going to be a dad I passed out slumping down my office chair at work.

7 weeks? Cut yourself some slack dad. You got this even though you feel you have no idea what you’re doing and if you’re doing it right.

You are.

[chaka]

Welcome SkiLyft, its a hell of a good ride. lots of work, but the little things, if you make space for them and embrace them for what they are, can be magical. twin 13yr old boys here. I find myself constantly appreciating my parents more. Get creative on the 'me' time.. for me, in the early days, was shifting to going out on 3+hr mtb night rides after helping get them down to sleep. I was already sleep deprived, why not. Where there's a will, there's a way. Have fun!

[SkiLyft]

Just woke from getting 7 hours of consecutive sleep. That’s the first time that has happened - I Feel like a new man!

Appreciate the vote of confidence @buzz sure as hell feel clueless 99% of the time!

@chaka was chatting with the wife last night about what the fuck would we have done with twins!! You my man are a God amungst mortals for keeping sanity through new born twins! But you really do bring up a great point about appreciating our parents; the amount of grace I now have when thinking about choices my parents made is HUGE!


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