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  1. #76
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    Vacationland
    Posts
    5,912
    What’s the difference between jam and jelly?

    I can’t jelly my cock in your ass


    Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

  2. #77
    Join Date
    Jan 2019
    Posts
    689
    I realized I'm addicted to deli meats. I know that eating them too often isn't good for me so I'm gonna cut them out of my diet.

    But there's no way I'd quit cold turkey

    - Mikey Kampmann

  3. #78
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Pagosa Springs CO
    Posts
    995
    What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
    You can't hear a vitamin.

  4. #79
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Location
    I can still smell Poutine.
    Posts
    24,507
    Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?

    It runs in your jeans.

  5. #80
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Suckramento
    Posts
    21,435
    Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
    Henny Youngman
    Quando paramucho mi amore de felice carathon.
    Mundo paparazzi mi amore cicce verdi parasol.
    Questo abrigado tantamucho que canite carousel.


  6. #81
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    10,103
    My wife, she always wants to talk after sex. I just wish she wouldn’t call long distance -Rodney


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  7. #82
    Join Date
    Apr 2019
    Location
    New Mexico
    Posts
    1,237
    Why we drive on a parkway but park on a driveway?

    George Carlin

  8. #83
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    188
    What’s a fish say when it swims into a concrete wall?








    Dam.

  9. #84
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    188
    This actually happened to a friend of mine, in med school, doing psych rotation. Walking down the hall with the attending, they stopped in one room, person was swinging an invisible bat, said, “Doc, I’m trying to visualize hitting a home run, then I’ll be good to get out of here.” Attending says ok, strange but I like it. Next room, person swings an imaginary golf club. “Doc, I’m visualizing a hole in one, then I can get out of here.” Attending says “good work, keep going.”
    Next room, the patient is naked, lying, back down, with an erection and spinning a walnut on the tip of his penis. Guy says, “Doc, I’m fucking nuts, I’m never getting out of here”

  10. #85
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    Mental Vacation!
    Posts
    2,392
    Name:  Image1634261085.648907.jpg
Views: 623
Size:  185.4 KB


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  11. #86
    Join Date
    Apr 2021
    Posts
    2,839

  12. #87
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Last Best City in the Last Best Place
    Posts
    7,270
    Speaking of dad jokes, mine used to like this one:

    Two guys are walking along a path and come upon a leg. One guy says, "Hey, that looks like Joe's leg!" The other guy says, "Yeah, that does look like Joe's leg!"

    They keep walking and eventually come upon another leg. Guy 1 says, "That looks like Joe's other leg!" Guy 2 says, "Yeah, that does look like Joe's other leg!"

    Soon on their walk they encounter an arm. Guy 1 says, "That looks like Joe's arm!" Guy 2 says, "Yeah, that does look like Joe's arm!"

    After a walking a little farther they come upon another arm. Guy 1 says, "That looks like Joe's other arm!" Guy 2 says, "Yeah, that does look like Joe's other arm!"

    Soon they come upon a head. Guy 1 says, "That looks like Joe's head!" Guy 2 says, "Yeah, that does look like Joe's head!" He picks up the head and says, "Joe, Joe! Are you all right?!"

  13. #88
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Suckramento
    Posts
    21,435

    Who’s got jokes?

    Igor and Ivan are walking on a frozen road in Siberia. They spot a pile in the road. Igor says “What is that”. Ivan says “Look like dog shit”. Igor says “Touch”, Ivan says “Touch?” Igor says “Touch!” Ivan says “Feels like dog shit.” Igor says “Smell.” Ivan says “Smell?” Igor says “Smell!” Ivan says “Smells like dog shit.” Igor says “Taste”, Ivan says “Taste?” Igor says “Taste!” Ivan says “Tastes like dog shit.”

    Igor says “Must be dog shit, good thing we didn’t step in it.” Ivan says “Da!.”
    Quando paramucho mi amore de felice carathon.
    Mundo paparazzi mi amore cicce verdi parasol.
    Questo abrigado tantamucho que canite carousel.


  14. #89
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Live Free or Die
    Posts
    1,283
    Someone stole all my lamps. You'd think I'd be mad, but I'm actually delighted.

  15. #90
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Watching over the valley
    Posts
    5,001
    What do Tupperware and walruses have in common?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    They both like a tight seal.

  16. #91
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    Joisey
    Posts
    2,645
    Quote Originally Posted by irul&ublo View Post
    Igor and Ivan are walking on a frozen road in Siberia. They spot a pile in the road. Igor says “What is that”. Ivan says “Look like dog shit”. Igor says “Touch”, Ivan says “Touch?” Igor says “Touch!” Ivan says “Feels like dog shit.” Igor says “Smell.” Ivan says “Smell?” Igor says “Smell!” Ivan says “Smells like dog shit.” Igor says “Taste”, Ivan says “Taste?” Igor says “Taste!” Ivan says “Tastes like dog shit.”

    Igor says “Must be dog shit, good thing we didn’t step in it.” Ivan says “Da!.”
    That's Cheech & Chong. Cheborneck .

  17. #92
    Join Date
    Apr 2019
    Location
    New Mexico
    Posts
    1,237
    Quote Originally Posted by irul&ublo View Post
    Igor and Ivan are walking on a frozen road in Siberia. They spot a pile in the road. Igor says “What is that”. Ivan says “Look like dog shit”. Igor says “Touch”, Ivan says “Touch?” Igor says “Touch!” Ivan says “Feels like dog shit.” Igor says “Smell.” Ivan says “Smell?” Igor says “Smell!” Ivan says “Smells like dog shit.” Igor says “Taste”, Ivan says “Taste?” Igor says “Taste!” Ivan says “Tastes like dog shit.”

    Igor says “Must be dog shit, good thing we didn’t step in it.” Ivan says “Da!.”
    Both the setup and the punch line got lost in translation. Good joke in Russian tho.

  18. #93
    Join Date
    Apr 2019
    Location
    New Mexico
    Posts
    1,237
    Since we are translating old Soviet jokes:

    Little Johnny and little Susie play doctor. After examining each other for a minute, puzzled Jonny goes: “I didn’t realize there is such difference between Canadians and Americans.”

    The original was about Russians and Ukrainians

  19. #94
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    The Mayonnaisium
    Posts
    10,467
    Just got a promotion on the farm.

    I'm the new CIEIO.

  20. #95
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Wasatch Back: 7000'
    Posts
    12,966
    A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
    SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
    THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
    THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
    THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
    THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
    THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
    HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
    HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
    THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
    "I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."

    sorry for the caps, but it's a copy and paste
    “How does it feel to be the greatest guitarist in the world? I don’t know, go ask Rory Gallagher”. — Jimi Hendrix

  21. #96
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Dystopia
    Posts
    21,053
    Name:  217808593_1890595357998721_5496507214357275677_n.jpg
Views: 264
Size:  76.8 KB

  22. #97
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Posts
    1,405
    From my 13 y/o..

    What pronouns does a chocolate bar use?

    her/she

  23. #98
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Watching over the valley
    Posts
    5,001
    What's the difference between a priest and acne?



    Acne waits til your 13 before it comes on your face.

    Ooooooooooooh!
    sigless.

  24. #99
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Location
    Greg_o
    Posts
    2,641
    My 12 yo nephew is getting a pretty dark sense of humour. From him today:

    "How do you get a baby out of a blender?














    Using nachos."


    As I stood there trying to process that one he follows up with:


    "Dead babies jokes are the best -












    they never get old"


    Sick little freak. I love it.

  25. #100
    Join Date
    Jun 2020
    Location
    in a freezer in Italy
    Posts
    7,181
    Quote Originally Posted by Lvovsky View Post
    Both the setup and the punch line got lost in translation. Good joke in Russian tho.
    I don’t know who stole from who but that’s a Cheech and Chong bit.

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