What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
I can’t jelly my cock in your ass
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What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
I can’t jelly my cock in your ass
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I realized I'm addicted to deli meats. I know that eating them too often isn't good for me so I'm gonna cut them out of my diet.
But there's no way I'd quit cold turkey
- Mikey Kampmann
What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
You can't hear a vitamin.
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman
Quando paramucho mi amore de felice carathon.
Mundo paparazzi mi amore cicce verdi parasol.
Questo abrigado tantamucho que canite carousel.
My wife, she always wants to talk after sex. I just wish she wouldn’t call long distance -Rodney
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Why we drive on a parkway but park on a driveway?
George Carlin
What’s a fish say when it swims into a concrete wall?
Dam.
This actually happened to a friend of mine, in med school, doing psych rotation. Walking down the hall with the attending, they stopped in one room, person was swinging an invisible bat, said, “Doc, I’m trying to visualize hitting a home run, then I’ll be good to get out of here.” Attending says ok, strange but I like it. Next room, person swings an imaginary golf club. “Doc, I’m visualizing a hole in one, then I can get out of here.” Attending says “good work, keep going.”
Next room, the patient is naked, lying, back down, with an erection and spinning a walnut on the tip of his penis. Guy says, “Doc, I’m fucking nuts, I’m never getting out of here”
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Speaking of dad jokes, mine used to like this one:
Two guys are walking along a path and come upon a leg. One guy says, "Hey, that looks like Joe's leg!" The other guy says, "Yeah, that does look like Joe's leg!"
They keep walking and eventually come upon another leg. Guy 1 says, "That looks like Joe's other leg!" Guy 2 says, "Yeah, that does look like Joe's other leg!"
Soon on their walk they encounter an arm. Guy 1 says, "That looks like Joe's arm!" Guy 2 says, "Yeah, that does look like Joe's arm!"
After a walking a little farther they come upon another arm. Guy 1 says, "That looks like Joe's other arm!" Guy 2 says, "Yeah, that does look like Joe's other arm!"
Soon they come upon a head. Guy 1 says, "That looks like Joe's head!" Guy 2 says, "Yeah, that does look like Joe's head!" He picks up the head and says, "Joe, Joe! Are you all right?!"
Igor and Ivan are walking on a frozen road in Siberia. They spot a pile in the road. Igor says “What is that”. Ivan says “Look like dog shit”. Igor says “Touch”, Ivan says “Touch?” Igor says “Touch!” Ivan says “Feels like dog shit.” Igor says “Smell.” Ivan says “Smell?” Igor says “Smell!” Ivan says “Smells like dog shit.” Igor says “Taste”, Ivan says “Taste?” Igor says “Taste!” Ivan says “Tastes like dog shit.”
Igor says “Must be dog shit, good thing we didn’t step in it.” Ivan says “Da!.”
Quando paramucho mi amore de felice carathon.
Mundo paparazzi mi amore cicce verdi parasol.
Questo abrigado tantamucho que canite carousel.
Someone stole all my lamps. You'd think I'd be mad, but I'm actually delighted.
What do Tupperware and walruses have in common?
.
.
.
.
They both like a tight seal.
Since we are translating old Soviet jokes:
Little Johnny and little Susie play doctor. After examining each other for a minute, puzzled Jonny goes: “I didn’t realize there is such difference between Canadians and Americans.”
The original was about Russians and Ukrainians
Just got a promotion on the farm.
I'm the new CIEIO.
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
sorry for the caps, but it's a copy and paste
“How does it feel to be the greatest guitarist in the world? I don’t know, go ask Rory Gallagher”. — Jimi Hendrix
From my 13 y/o..
What pronouns does a chocolate bar use?
her/she
What's the difference between a priest and acne?
Acne waits til your 13 before it comes on your face.
Ooooooooooooh!
sigless.
My 12 yo nephew is getting a pretty dark sense of humour. From him today:
"How do you get a baby out of a blender?
Using nachos."
As I stood there trying to process that one he follows up with:
"Dead babies jokes are the best -
they never get old"
Sick little freak. I love it.
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