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Thread: Whos got jokes?

  1. #1
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    Whos got jokes?

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  2. #2
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  3. #3
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  4. #4
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    Need a joke? Look in the mirror.

  5. #5
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    Farmer buys a new rooster at the market, brings it home and it gets right to work, fucking all the hens right after another.

    Then after a little nap, does the same with all the ducks. Next morning, first thing he has his way with all the geese too.

    A little while later the farmer sees the rooster laying on the ground all disheveled looking half dead and with vultures circling overhead.

    "Serves you right you horny bastard' yells the farmer. Rooster slowly opens one eye n says "ssshhhhh.... They're about to land"

  6. #6
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  7. #7
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    What's Irish, green and white and sits out on the deck all summer?
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    Patio Furniture.
    Merde De Glace On the Freak When Ski
    >>>200 cm Black Bamboo Sidewalled DPS Lotus 120 : Best Skis Ever <<<

  8. #8
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    Who's that famous Irish dentist?

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    Dr. Perry O'Dontal.
    Merde De Glace On the Freak When Ski
    >>>200 cm Black Bamboo Sidewalled DPS Lotus 120 : Best Skis Ever <<<

  9. #9
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    Knock, knock.

    Who’s there?

    I eat mop.

    I eat mop who?

    You eat your poo?
    Merde De Glace On the Freak When Ski
    >>>200 cm Black Bamboo Sidewalled DPS Lotus 120 : Best Skis Ever <<<

  10. #10
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    A man boards a plane with six kids.

    After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?"

    He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."
    Merde De Glace On the Freak When Ski
    >>>200 cm Black Bamboo Sidewalled DPS Lotus 120 : Best Skis Ever <<<

  11. #11
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    All jokes that I can tell from memory are either racist or otherwise bigoted by today’s incredible standards. I would not want to get censored.
    However, here is a “your mother” joke:
    Your mother reminds me of a Coke machine $.20 a can
    Your mother reminds me of a rainbow she takes in all colors
    your mother reminds me of a cup of coffee she can’t wait to get her fill of cream
    A society that puts equality before freedom will get neither. A society that puts freedom before equality will get a high degree of both.
    ― Milton Friedman

  12. #12
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    Prolly got this in another thread:


  13. #13
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    What’s the difference between a telechick and Bigfoot?
    One is big, ugly, hairy, smells bad and hangs out near tree line
    The other is a mythical creature

  14. #14
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    -What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey player?
    Hockey players shower after 3 periods...


    -Why did Sally fall off the swings?
    She had no arms...

    -Who pushed billy off the slide?
    Not Sally...
    Quote Originally Posted by JoeStrummer
    The universe that is a vehicle is a funny and delicate thing. I fucked my wife in the back seat of our Saab in the parking lot before a Social D / Superchunk show at Red Rocks. After that the radio never worked again.

  15. #15
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    .....

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    Daniel Ortega eats here.

  16. #16
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    Three maggots go to revelstoke and try to find a room. There’s nothing available except one room with One king bed. They go to sleep in the morning the person sleeping on the left side, “last night I had the weirdest dream that someone gave me a hand job.” The guy sleeping on the right Said, “fuck me I had the same dream.” Finally the guy sleeping in the middle said “funny I had a dream I was skiing.”
    A society that puts equality before freedom will get neither. A society that puts freedom before equality will get a high degree of both.
    ― Milton Friedman

  17. #17
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    An American military Colonel just received orders to deploy in Schweinfurt Germany. While he was really happy to see Germany he was kind of bummed because he just bought a brand new Cadillac and heard about the crazy German drivers in autobahn laws. While there he was very careful with his car, only drove it to church and around town and never took it on the autobahn. Finally after a year he received orders to return to the United States. He was very happy because he couldnt wait to get that Cadillac out for a nice long drive. He picked up the at at Port Newark and entered the New Jersey Turnpike. As he merged onto the highway he was struck by a BMW that was traveling 100 mph in the right hand lane. He said what the fuck are you doing? I just had this car in Germany for a year I wouldnt drive it on the autobahn because of the crazy German drivers and laws there. Now I come home thinking I was safe in the first thing that happens as I get struck by a car speeding in the right lane. What are you fucking moron? BMW driver looks surprised and just said wie bitte?
    A society that puts equality before freedom will get neither. A society that puts freedom before equality will get a high degree of both.
    ― Milton Friedman

  18. #18
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    My friend has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.

    Stephen Wright
    Gravity Junkie

  19. #19
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    Three clergymen, a priest, a rabbi, and an imam, begin a friendly discussion on who is the most adept at converting people to their respective faiths. To settle this, they decide to go to the forest and see how many creatures they can convert. They convene in a clearing and head out into the wild in search of prospects. After a few hours, the imam and preacher reconvene.
    "How did it go?" asked the imam.
    "It went well. I did first communion and confessionals with a family of squirrels," the priest said. "How about you?"
    "I did alright as well. I led the family of beavers I found in shahada and salat. I am to accompany them on their hajj in the coming days."
    "Very well," the priest said. "You might have me beat."

    Just then, the rabbi came stumbling out of the brush and into the clearing. His clothes were torn to bits and he had deep lacerations throughout his body. He was bleeding profusely and collapsed into the dirt.

    "Allahu akbar, my brother! What misfortune has befallen you?" asked the imam.
    "I found a grizzly bear to convert," the rabbi said.
    "Oh, great mother Mary!", said the priest. "To bring such a creature into the hands of the lord is most impressive, indeed. How did the conversion go?"
    "It didn't go well," the rabbi replied. "I do believe it a mistake to have begun by trying to perform the circumcision."
    "With Hitler, the more I learn about the guy, the more I don't care for him." -Norm Macdonald

  20. #20
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    If i wanted a joke, i'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak.

    How does a snowboarder introduce himself? Bro, my bad!

  21. #21
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    Two ranchers are driving down a lonely road in Idaho when they see a sheep with it's head stuck in a fence.
    The driver stops the truck, runs over, pulls down his pants, and starts going at the sheep.
    After a minute, he realizes his buddy is looking on in disbelief so he stops and says
    "Sorry man, did you want to get in on this?"
    Buddy runs over and sticks his head in the fence.

  22. #22
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    Just to add to the COVID depression, today we just found out that Grandpa is addicted to viagra

    Nobody is taking it harder than Grandma.
    I've concluded that DJSapp was never DJSapp, and Not DJSapp is also not DJSapp, so that means he's telling the truth now and he was lying before.

  23. #23
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    A gay couple and a lebian couple were going to the beach. Who got there first?
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    The lesbians got there lickity split but the gay guys were still packing thier shit.

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by schindlerpiste View Post
    Three maggots go to revelstoke and try to find a room. There’s nothing available except one room with One king bed. They go to sleep in the morning the person sleeping on the left side, “last night I had the weirdest dream that someone gave me a hand job.” The guy sleeping on the right Said, “fuck me I had the same dream.” Finally the guy sleeping in the middle said “funny I had a dream I was Candide Thovex.”
    Improved?? The flailing of the arm would make for a rough handy...
    "Your wife being mad is temporary, but pow turns do not get unmade" - mallwalker the wise

  25. #25
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    Have you guys ever heard how Canada got its name? The explorers couldn't agree on what to name their new territory, so they decided to draw letters from a hat. They shuffled it up, pulled 3 letters, and read them out: "C, eh, N, eh, D, eh."

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