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  1. #76
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Suckramento
    Posts
    21,438
    Jumpier than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs
    Quando paramucho mi amore de felice carathon.
    Mundo paparazzi mi amore cicce verdi parasol.
    Questo abrigado tantamucho que canite carousel.


  2. #77
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    PNW
    Posts
    7,368
    Quote Originally Posted by irul&ublo View Post
    Jumpier than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs
    Replace jumpier with more nervous, and that was my dad.

    Even a broke clock is right twice a day

    Its better to ask for forgiveness than permission

    When installing a starter rope in a rewind, PG version, its like trying to shove a Gardner snake back in its hole
    Adult version, like trying to fuck with a limp dick

  3. #78
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Teton Village
    Posts
    2,674
    My Dad would say, “she’s no spring chicken’.
    Ski Shop - Basement of the Hostel



    Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.

    Mark Twain

  4. #79
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    9,866
    So ... use all grew up in West Virginia, emiryte?

  5. #80
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Dystopia
    Posts
    21,054
    Quote Originally Posted by PB View Post
    So ... use all grew up in West Virginia, emiryte?
    I only have one friend from West Virginia.
    And he’s never asked me to squeal like a pig.

    But he’s a damned fine human being.
    . . .

  6. #81
    Join Date
    Aug 2014
    Location
    Imaginationland
    Posts
    4,787
    Stronger than a brick shithouse.

    You'd forget your ass if it wasn't hooked on.

    I'd rather be a smartass than a dumbass.

  7. #82
    Join Date
    Apr 2020
    Location
    San Francisco
    Posts
    46
    “It’s raining harder than a double cunted cow pissing through a hole in a bridge.”


    Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

  8. #83
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Posts
    19,221
    I heard a great one today, and it was even better coming from a 45 year old to a 62 year old:

    "I only have 2 last words for you, 'FEAR ME'." He couldn't hear so well, so it was repeated at volume.

    We all laughed, kinda. Because we all knew i was the person referred to.

    That was the joke. It was not a laugh getter.

  9. #84
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    2 hours to Whiteface
    Posts
    708
    My Dad has always rolled out some great lines. My kids crack up every time he throws one out there.

    "You couldn't hit a bull in the ass with a spade."

    "He's like a young crow, all mouth and asshole."

    Do you think I just fell out of the turnip truck"





    Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk

  10. #85
    Join Date
    Jun 2010
    Posts
    169
    If you don't think too good, don't think too much.

  11. #86
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Location
    The Cone of Uncertainty
    Posts
    49,306
    This one from a woman (my mom, to me): "You're not hard of hearing, you're hard of listening."

  12. #87
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    The Mayonnaisium
    Posts
    10,467
    A good friend's mom used to say about him and his older brother, 'The first one broke me in. The second one is breaking me.'

  13. #88
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Wasatch Back: 7000'
    Posts
    12,968
    "You have to wake up pretty early in the morning to pull the wool over my eyes."

    "I have taught you everything that you know, but not nearly everything that I know."
    “How does it feel to be the greatest guitarist in the world? I don’t know, go ask Rory Gallagher”. — Jimi Hendrix

  14. #89
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Location
    The Cone of Uncertainty
    Posts
    49,306
    If you told him something he didn't believe, my grandfather would say, "I was born at night, but not last night."

    Also in the same situation he'd sometimes say, "Hey I didn't just fall off the turnip truck."
    That one was always kinda puzzling.

  15. #90
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Ootarded
    Posts
    4,054
    Quote Originally Posted by iceman View Post
    "Hey I didn't just fall off the turnip truck."
    That one was always kinda puzzling.
    I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Ah, there's an interesting story behind that nickel. In 1957, I remember it was, I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to three: medium brown.

  16. #91
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    50 miles E of Paradise
    Posts
    15,573
    My dad would express his love for me by saying “I wouldn’t trade you for 100 dog turds”

  17. #92
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Shuswap Highlands
    Posts
    4,347
    An old family friend passed away recently at the ripe age of 103, in his own home and bed. When he was still residing above the turf, he'd reply when asked how he was - 'Pretty damn well for the shape I'm in!"

  18. #93
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    northern BC
    Posts
    30,899
    Quote Originally Posted by schindlerpiste View Post
    "I have taught you everything that you know, but not nearly everything that I know."
    i heard that one told as " I taught you everything i know and you still know fuckall "
    Lee Lau - xxx-er is the laziest Asian canuck I know

  19. #94
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Vinyl Valley
    Posts
    1,807
    Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

  20. #95
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Location
    The Cone of Uncertainty
    Posts
    49,306
    Quote Originally Posted by BCMtnHound View Post
    An old family friend passed away recently at the ripe age of 103, in his own home and bed. When he was still residing above the turf, he'd reply when asked how he was - 'Pretty damn well for the shape I'm in!"
    Yeah when somebody asked my dad how he was he'd often say, "I'm in good shape for the shape I'm in."

  21. #96
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Location
    The Cone of Uncertainty
    Posts
    49,306
    Quote Originally Posted by Tri-Ungulate View Post
    I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Ah, there's an interesting story behind that nickel. In 1957, I remember it was, I got up in the morning and made myself a piece of toast. I set the toaster to three: medium brown.
    Still waiting for the second chapter.

  22. #97
    Join Date
    Nov 2011
    Location
    Ontario Canada eh
    Posts
    4,380
    "I never skied in jeans"

  23. #98
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Dystopia
    Posts
    21,054
    Quote Originally Posted by iceman View Post
    Still waiting for the second chapter.
    There’s many chapters.

    ==============
    a box of mint-condition 1918 liberty-head silver dollars. You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in Zeppelins, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen J.D. Rockefeller flying by. So I run out of the house with a big washtub and... hey! Where are you going? (in the car) Anyway, about my washtub. I'd just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as... (cut to mall) ...a walking-bird. We'd always have walking-bird on Thanksgiving, with all the trimmings: cranberries, injun eyes, yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called baseball...

    (later) Eh, why didn't you get something useful, like storm windows, or a nice pipe organ? I'm thirsty! Ew, what smells like mustard? There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Ooh, look at that one. Ow, my glaucoma just got worse. The president is a Democrat! Hello? I can't unbuckle my seat belt. Hello? (honks car horn) (entering the house) There are too many leaves in your walkway...
    . . .

  24. #99
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Location
    Vermont
    Posts
    1,486
    Quote Originally Posted by skuff View Post
    Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.
    Don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you.

  25. #100
    Join Date
    Dec 2018
    Location
    DownEast
    Posts
    3,241
    "He's Numb as a Hake" was heard often on the fishing boats around here when I was a kid. Nowadays shortened into someone being a "Numb-ah!"

    You can also "Yard on it" meaning pull hard (from pulling the yard arm up on old sail fishing boats) and you can "Reef down on it" meaning tie it down or secure it tight (from reefing a big sail in a blow). Still in common usage round these parts.

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