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  1. #51
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    50 miles E of Paradise
    Posts
    15,573
    My grandfather “you’ll never win a fartin’ contest with a horse’s ass”
    And
    “sympathy comes after shit and sweat in the dictionary, and that’s where it belongs”

    My dad
    re: poor driving skills “he couldn’t drive a peg in a horse’s ass”
    Re: unattractive women “She haunts houses for a living”
    Re: well-endowed women “looks like two bear cubs fighting under a blanket when she walks”
    Re: nervous people “Sweatin’ like a whore at confession”
    Re: body aches “I’m stiffer’n a catholic priest at boys choir practice”
    Re: braggarts “If bullshit were music, he’d be a brass band”

    My paternal grandmother when dad Came home drunk and told her he was in love
    “When are you gonna learn that ‘Love’ ain’t that white shit that comes out the end of your pecker”

  2. #52
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    funland
    Posts
    5,250
    It's raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock.

    That one went over like a turd in the wedding punch.

    It's hotter than two rats fuckin in a wool sock.

    (a clusterfuck): 'Yall look like a bunch of retards trying to pick up spaghetti.'

  3. #53
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    in a frozen jungle
    Posts
    2,370
    This is about as fun as pulling a porcupine out of a mailbox.
    Scientists now have decisive molecular evidence that humans and chimpanzees once had a common momma and that this lineage had previously split from monkeys.

  4. #54
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Way East Tennessee
    Posts
    4,588
    My dad:
    I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.
    He is shaking worse than a dog shitting peach seeds.
    In order to properly convert this thread to a polyasshat thread to more fully enrage the liberal left frequenting here...... (insert latest democratic blunder of your choice).

  5. #55
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    WI
    Posts
    4,398
    My dad used to say:

    "You're still shitting yellow"


  6. #56
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Location
    Masshole
    Posts
    2,391
    Don't piss up my back and tell me its warm rain. Classic

    Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk
    Why don't you go practice fallin' down? I'll be there in a minute.

  7. #57
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    General Sherman's Favorite City
    Posts
    35,251
    "Boy, you're digging a sideways hole."

    "That there is strong as new rope."

    And of course, "Bless your heart".
    I still call it The Jake.

  8. #58
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Posts
    8,248
    You think you have it bad now?

    He ain't worth two bits.

    Don't piss in the wind.

    If I had a nickle for every time he said that, I'd be rich.
    "We don't beat the reaper by living longer, we beat the reaper by living well and living fully." - Randy Pausch

  9. #59
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Location
    I can still smell Poutine.
    Posts
    24,514
    You smell like you ate the asshole out of a rotting rhinoceros.

  10. #60
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    Haxorland
    Posts
    7,103
    One of my favorites from a crusty old superintendent: 'It's just a bowl full of fuck' - in reference to the jobsite after record rainfall and everything was ankle to knee deep mud.
    I've concluded that DJSapp was never DJSapp, and Not DJSapp is also not DJSapp, so that means he's telling the truth now and he was lying before.

  11. #61
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    monument
    Posts
    6,910
    Don't shit on my cake and call it icing.

  12. #62
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Wasatch Back: 7000'
    Posts
    12,968
    I remember when a slice of pizza cost $.25, a gallon of gas cost $.35, you could buy a hot dog french fries and a shake for less than a buck. Cigarettes cost $.50

    Bruce Springsteen is playing tonight at The Stone Pony. Want to go?

    Do you know what your problem is? You want your cake, and you want to eat it too.

    A penny for your thoughts. A penny saved is a penny earned.

    That boy don't know shit from shinola.

    Badda Bing Badda Boom!

    I just scored a quarter oz. of Gold. All bud. Yee haw!
    “How does it feel to be the greatest guitarist in the world? I don’t know, go ask Rory Gallagher”. — Jimi Hendrix

  13. #63
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    307
    My Grandfather wouldn't say goodbye, instead it was "Don't take any wooden nickels"

  14. #64
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Posts
    119
    I used to ski ----.

  15. #65
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Wasatch Back: 7000'
    Posts
    12,968
    My daddy told me a long time ago
    Said there's two things son
    Two things you should know
    And in these two things baby, you must take pride
    That's a horse and woman, yeah
    Well both of them you ride
    with some sister.

    RvZ
    “How does it feel to be the greatest guitarist in the world? I don’t know, go ask Rory Gallagher”. — Jimi Hendrix

  16. #66
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    here and there
    Posts
    18,588
    Quote Originally Posted by BmillsSkier View Post

    And of course, "Bless your heart".
    That sounds more like it should be in the “Things your mother says” thread.
    watch out for snakes

  17. #67
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Ootarded
    Posts
    4,054
    Quote Originally Posted by BCMtnHound View Post
    "So recht von herzen hundsgemein können nur verwandte sein"
    "Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"

  18. #68
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Wasatch Back: 7000'
    Posts
    12,968
    My German wife says, "Only relatives can be truly mean from the heart."
    “How does it feel to be the greatest guitarist in the world? I don’t know, go ask Rory Gallagher”. — Jimi Hendrix

  19. #69
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Shuswap Highlands
    Posts
    4,347
    Quote Originally Posted by Tri-Ungulate View Post
    "Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"
    What are you trying to do? Kill us?

  20. #70
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Posts
    254
    My grandpa used to say, It doesn't take long to wait awhile.

  21. #71
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    none
    Posts
    8,340
    Pull my finger.

  22. #72
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    here and there
    Posts
    18,588
    Praise the lord and pass the ammunition.
    watch out for snakes

  23. #73
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    a few blocks from the beach
    Posts
    2,992
    I quote my grandfather all the time:
    "A bad settlement is better than a good lawsuit"
    .

  24. #74
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Mostly the Elks, mostly.
    Posts
    1,280
    Quote Originally Posted by LHutz Esq View Post
    he's like the south end of a north bound cow.
    *horse*


    Quote Originally Posted by Flounder View Post
    Liquor? I don't even know her!
    you brung her.

    Stick out like a turd in a punch bowl
    sweatin like a whore in church
    hot as (gay person) eatin' a corn dog
    north bound horse.

  25. #75
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Seattle
    Posts
    8,407
    My dad said(among other things):

    "If wishes were horses beggars would ride."

    and

    after a fart he would sing, in a tune resembling a hunting bugle call, "the hunter's horn blows loud and clear!"
    Quote Originally Posted by Foggy_Goggles View Post
    If I lived in WA, Oft would be my realtor. Seriously.

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