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  1. #51
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    50 miles E of Paradise
    Posts
    9,489
    My grandfather “you’ll never win a fartin’ contest with a horse’s ass”
    And
    “sympathy comes after shit and sweat in the dictionary, and that’s where it belongs”

    My dad
    re: poor driving skills “he couldn’t drive a peg in a horse’s ass”
    Re: unattractive women “She haunts houses for a living”
    Re: well-endowed women “looks like two bear cubs fighting under a blanket when she walks”
    Re: nervous people “Sweatin’ like a whore at confession”
    Re: body aches “I’m stiffer’n a catholic priest at boys choir practice”
    Re: braggarts “If bullshit were music, he’d be a brass band”

    My paternal grandmother when dad Came home drunk and told her he was in love
    “When are you gonna learn that ‘Love’ ain’t that white shit that comes out the end of your pecker”
    Check Out Ullr's Mobile Avalanche Safety Tools for iOS and Android
    www.ullrlabs.com

  2. #52
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Location
    funland
    Posts
    4,687
    It's raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock.

    That one went over like a turd in the wedding punch.

    It's hotter than two rats fuckin in a wool sock.

    (a clusterfuck): 'Yall look like a bunch of retards trying to pick up spaghetti.'

  3. #53
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    in a frozen jungle
    Posts
    2,204
    This is about as fun as pulling a porcupine out of a mailbox.
    Scientists now have decisive molecular evidence that humans and chimpanzees once had a common momma and that this lineage had previously split from monkeys.

  4. #54
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Way East Tennessee
    Posts
    3,710
    My dad:
    I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.
    He is shaking worse than a dog shitting peach seeds.
    In order to properly convert this thread to a polyasshat thread to more fully enrage the liberal left frequenting here...... (insert latest democratic blunder of your choice).

  5. #55
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    WI
    Posts
    4,180
    My dad used to say:

    "You're still shitting yellow"


  6. #56
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Location
    Masshole
    Posts
    1,881
    Don't piss up my back and tell me its warm rain. Classic

    Sent from my SM-G975U using Tapatalk
    Why don't you go practice fallin' down? I'll be there in a minute.

  7. #57
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    General Sherman's Favorite City
    Posts
    20,579
    "Boy, you're digging a sideways hole."

    "That there is strong as new rope."

    And of course, "Bless your heart".
    I still call it The Jake.

  8. #58
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Posts
    3,474
    You think you have it bad now?

    He ain't worth two bits.

    Don't piss in the wind.

    If I had a nickle for every time he said that, I'd be rich.
    "We don't beat the reaper by living longer, we beat the reaper by living well and living fully." - Randy Pausch

  9. #59
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Location
    I smell poutine!!!
    Posts
    10,827
    You smell like you ate the asshole out of a rotting rhinoceros.

  10. #60
    DJSapp's Avatar
    DJSapp is online now (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    All over NCal
    Posts
    6,476
    One of my favorites from a crusty old superintendent: 'It's just a bowl full of fuck' - in reference to the jobsite after record rainfall and everything was ankle to knee deep mud.
    Fat fuck bubbas are not erosion.

  11. #61
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Location
    monument
    Posts
    5,626
    Don't shit on my cake and call it icing.

  12. #62
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Wasatch Back: 7000'
    Posts
    9,757
    I remember when a slice of pizza cost $.25, a gallon of gas cost $.35, you could buy a hot dog french fries and a shake for less than a buck. Cigarettes cost $.50

    Bruce Springsteen is playing tonight at The Stone Pony. Want to go?

    Do you know what your problem is? You want your cake, and you want to eat it too.

    A penny for your thoughts. A penny saved is a penny earned.

    That boy don't know shit from shinola.

    Badda Bing Badda Boom!

    I just scored a quarter oz. of Gold. All bud. Yee haw!
    “A society that puts equality before freedom will get neither. A society that puts freedom before equality will get a high degree of both.”
    ― Milton Friedman

  13. #63
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Posts
    177
    My Grandfather wouldn't say goodbye, instead it was "Don't take any wooden nickels"

  14. #64
    Join Date
    Mar 2014
    Posts
    117
    I used to ski ----.

  15. #65
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Wasatch Back: 7000'
    Posts
    9,757
    My daddy told me a long time ago
    Said there's two things son
    Two things you should know
    And in these two things baby, you must take pride
    That's a horse and woman, yeah
    Well both of them you ride
    with some sister.

    RvZ
    “A society that puts equality before freedom will get neither. A society that puts freedom before equality will get a high degree of both.”
    ― Milton Friedman

  16. #66
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    here and there
    Posts
    16,806
    Quote Originally Posted by BmillsSkier View Post

    And of course, "Bless your heart".
    That sounds more like it should be in the “Things your mother says” thread.
    watch out for snakes

  17. #67
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Ootarded
    Posts
    3,096
    Quote Originally Posted by BCMtnHound View Post
    "So recht von herzen hundsgemein können nur verwandte sein"
    "Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"

  18. #68
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Wasatch Back: 7000'
    Posts
    9,757
    My German wife says, "Only relatives can be truly mean from the heart."
    “A society that puts equality before freedom will get neither. A society that puts freedom before equality will get a high degree of both.”
    ― Milton Friedman

  19. #69
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    Shuswap Highlands
    Posts
    2,699
    Quote Originally Posted by Tri-Ungulate View Post
    "Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"
    What are you trying to do? Kill us?

  20. #70
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Posts
    106
    My grandpa used to say, It doesn't take long to wait awhile.

  21. #71
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    none
    Posts
    6,594
    Pull my finger.

  22. #72
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    here and there
    Posts
    16,806
    Praise the lord and pass the ammunition.
    watch out for snakes

  23. #73
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    a few blocks from the beach
    Posts
    2,970
    I quote my grandfather all the time:
    "A bad settlement is better than a good lawsuit"
    .

  24. #74
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Mostly the Elks, mostly.
    Posts
    691
    Quote Originally Posted by LHutz Esq View Post
    he's like the south end of a north bound cow.
    *horse*


    Quote Originally Posted by Flounder View Post
    Liquor? I don't even know her!
    you brung her.

    Stick out like a turd in a punch bowl
    sweatin like a whore in church
    hot as (gay person) eatin' a corn dog
    north bound horse.

  25. #75
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Seattle
    Posts
    6,914
    My dad said(among other things):

    "If wishes were horses beggars would ride."

    and

    after a fart he would sing, in a tune resembling a hunting bugle call, "the hunter's horn blows loud and clear!"
    Quote Originally Posted by Foggy_Goggles View Post
    If I lived in WA, Oft would be my realtor. Seriously.

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