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  1. #1
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    Aug 2013
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    Are my friends idiots? Am I the idiot?

    So last week one of my old college friends lost his father unexpectedly, I believe mid 50s. He currently serves and he is home on leave for an amount of time unknown to me.

    My other roomies start conversation about everyone trying to get to the funeral which is this coming Saturday. A few of us are no longer in the area and logistics of getting there on short notice just isn't going to work out. So, next best thing is for all of us to pitch is to get him something. Cool, all aboard. However, they want to get him a bunch of alcohol, scotch in particular, and I'm having trouble justifying this knowing the son of the deceased is not the most mentally stable person I've ever met and prone to depression. Basically I just think it's a fucking terrible idea.

    My plan was to either just straight up give him some cash and let him decide what he wants to do with it or a gift card to a photo printing company that he can use to print some pics of him and his old man.

    Maybe I'm out of touch.

  2. #2
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    Aug 2007
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    Alcohol is a bad idea here.
    Well maybe I'm the faggot America
    I'm not a part of a redneck agenda

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
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    Is there a "in lieu of flowers, send donations to XYZ Organization" request?

    eg if he died from cancer, is there a cancer research fund?

    Agreed that alcohol sounds like a poor choice here.
    Quote Originally Posted by powder11 View Post
    if you have to resort to taking advice from the nitwits on this forum, then you're doomed.

  4. #4
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    Sep 2018
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    Quote Originally Posted by plugboots View Post
    Alcohol is a bad idea here.
    x2

  5. #5
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    Feb 2008
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    Quote Originally Posted by plugboots View Post
    Alcohol is a bad idea here.
    X3. I think you're on the right track thinking of photos. A nice framed photo of him with his dad would be great if you could swing it (maybe there's a sibling that could help?). Otherwise, I think the above suggestions are good.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jan 2017
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    on the banks of Fish Creek
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    friends ain’t always the best influence.....

  7. #7
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    Sep 2001
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    Babylon
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    let them do them and you do you.
    Good suggestions above. Sorry you can t be there

  8. #8
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    Dec 2005
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    Photos sent, and a donation made in his honor.

    Then you go get drunk.
    And I guess that I just don't know

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Posts
    183
    Terrible idea.

    I would just give cash. But that's just me.

    Sent from my Moto G (5) Plus using Tapatalk

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
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    Not Brooklyn
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    6,392
    What about a nice Rosé?

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
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    PRB
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    22,367
    "Sorry your dad died, here's a gift."

    does that seem weird to anyone else?
    "fuck off you asshat gaper shit for brains fucktard wanker." - Jesus Christ
    "She was tossing her bean salad with the vigor of a Drunken Pop princess so I walked out of the corner and said.... "need a hand?"" - Odin

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
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    Cash? To say your sorry your friends dad died? Please no. Cash is for celebrating a wedding, birthday or Bar Mitzvah. No booze either given what you know about your friend.

    Nice card and donation is what Ann Landers would suggest. And a couple of long phone calls to talk about old times and ask how he's doing.
    A few people feel the rain. Most people just get wet.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Danno View Post
    "Sorry your dad died, here's a gift."

    does that seem weird to anyone else?
    Well sure, unless it’s something that will help him remember good times with his Dad. Finding a nice photo of him and his Dad and having it framed, (not big, no bigger than 5X7 at the max), and a donation to a favorite charity would be appreciated.
    Well maybe I'm the faggot America
    I'm not a part of a redneck agenda

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
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    the ham
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    Yeah, a gift gift is kinda weird. A gift as in a donation to a related charity is good. A photo is good too.

    Also flowers to the friend's mom/widow.

  15. #15
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    Dec 2012
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    I smell poutine!!!
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    Your friends are idiots.

  16. #16
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    Jul 2005
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    Moose, Iowa
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    I know you're a youngun but flowers from you or you and your family if that seems less corny is a fine idea - 1000% better than alcohol which is really a bad idea even for a stable friend. Having lost a family member recently the flowers at the funeral with small notes and even just texts from people or groups I rarely talk to anymore or no longer associate with meant a lot. The people I really wanted to talk to I called myself.

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Sep 2018
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    Quote Originally Posted by Danno View Post
    "Sorry your dad died, here's a gift."

    does that seem weird to anyone else?
    Yes. I always think food makes more sense, cause it eliminates a chore and let's them focus on what they need to focus on. Gift certificate at a restaurant for takeout.

  18. #18
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    Jan 2008
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    truckee
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    A donation, like chup said. Funeral notice will usually have suggestion.

  19. #19
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    Nov 2011
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    Quote Originally Posted by riser3 View Post
    Your friends are idiots.
    and clueless.
    Quote Originally Posted by SB View Post
    Stumpy luv, Ren hate.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    May 2006
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ted Striker View Post
    Yeah, a gift gift is kinda weird. A gift as in a donation to a related charity is good. A photo is good too.

    Also flowers to the friend's mom/widow.
    I was 25 when my mom died suddenly and I didn’t want any gifts, certainly not alcohol. The only “gifts” we got were food. There isn’t much other people can say or do, people have to do their own grieving in some sense. If you really care about him and his mental health make sure to reach out and call him weekly for a while, or email/Skype him on deployment. We have to do our own grieving but having someone to talk through that grief with is a real gift.


    Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums
    "They don't think it be like it is, but it do."

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
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    Seattle
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    The entire notion of getting a gift--alcohol or otherwise-- for someone when their parent dies seems kind of strange to me.

  22. #22
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    Mar 2006
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    Missoula, MT
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    20,625
    Pics of him and his Dad, if anything at all. If you live nearby and you're going to be able to be there for him, that's even better. If you can't, I understand. Life takes us to different places around the planet.
    The best thing to do when you have a really depressing grief is to NOT drink. I think I did some of that after my brother was killed. The not drinking thing. And if you think he has any other mental health issues, you're fucking asking for a suicide/attempt. No joke. Do NOT get him alcohol. Especially liquor. Sometimes, having a couple beers is ok, but only if you're the kind of person who can stop before getting absolutely shit faced. Liquor is a SEVERE DEPRESSANT. Much more so than beer or wine.

    That's all I got.

    Scotch is totally inappropriate. That's like what you get for a wedding when you're hanging out with a groom-to-be you haven't seen in a while. And bride-to-be if she likes scotch, lol.
    No longer stuck.

    Quote Originally Posted by stuckathuntermtn View Post
    Just an uneducated guess.

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
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    In a van... down by the river
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    Quote Originally Posted by The AD View Post
    The entire notion of getting a gift--alcohol or otherwise-- for someone when their parent dies seems kind of strange to me.
    I agree. I lost my dad when I was 24, and none of my friends got me anything. And I didn't expect them to.

    It's definitely weird from my perspective.

  24. #24
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
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    732
    Quote Originally Posted by The AD View Post
    The entire notion of getting a gift--alcohol or otherwise-- for someone when their parent dies seems kind of strange to me.
    Agree, I’d go with flowers and maybe a couple of days worth of prepared food from a local super market or Freshly.com for the widow, if there is one.


    Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    1,557
    Gestures of support are really welcome in this scenario. Monetary stuff really falls to the side in difficult times. Your friend needs support and time to heal. And maybe a touch of herb
    Just be a good friend who contacts him over this spring and so on. Maybe line up a time for you and friends to see a concert and pitch in for him to go.

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