Pinching a Loaf at work - revisited (nsr)

[xboat]

i would have sacrificed my socks or boxers before asking for help, but that's just me.

[jibij]

The denied brown snake liberator turned and left, assumingly returning later.

Realizing that he was tipped off by my feet, I looked down and realized that my pants were all the way down, boxers and all, bunched up on my shoes (I'm wearing Crocs today...),

Maybe he thought he was in the ladies room?

Remember to control your dick so it doesn’t contact the porcelain.

I want to rush out of the john and scrub it with a gasoline-soaked brillo pad whenever that happens. ***SHIVER***

[Baconzoo]

I flush as I go due to the smell and once I felt my head going for a swim.

The toilet was backing up and I got dipped in turd water!
NASTY

[K-Stormchaser]

i would have sacrificed my socks or boxers before asking for help, but that's just me.

Birks...commando...

[Mcwop]

Here's one:

I am forced to go in a stall without a door (one stall in the bathroom) at the public library. Some guy walks in, and evidently needed to use the stall. Well the jerk decides to just stand there against the wall and watch me! So I look at him and say "Do you fucking mind?" He moved, but WTF?

Oh, I drop trou right to the floor.

[lemon boy]

totally should'a taken in a big old newspaper.

CU has a bunch of OLD buildings that only have 1/2 stall doors (bottom half at that, WTF?) that shit is for hella emergency use only. Goddamn idiot design.

speaking of which, I feel the turtlehead comin on.

[DJSapp]

The rule is simple, in a questionable floor environment, drop to mid calf and spread the feet apart to suspend trou 4" from the floor. All the relaxation of the full drop, none of the nastyness from the floor.

[72Twenty]

Maybe he thought he was in the ladies room?

Well, my wife wanted a pair and we went to the mall in Cheyenne this weekend to find her some. While she was trying some on, I tried a pair on to kill time. I thought they were really lame... 'till I tried them on. Man, these things are COMFY. They are the most comfortable lounge moc I've ever had. (As I decided to wear them to work).

Needless to say, we both got navy blue ones.

I'll be sportin' these on the way home from skiing this season. It'll be nice to slide into these after being in Lange's all day...

I could care less what people think of them.



Oh, and to clarify, the bathroom floor in my office is quite clean...

[Xdog]

When I drop, my 8" workboots keep them bunched in the calf area, so no touching the stank floor.

And being a filthy construction heathen, it wouldn't matter anyway. The pants would probably soil the floor more than vice versa.

[Spats]

ancient hoteliers secret,
as long as you dont look out of place and dont cause trouble, you can walk into any lobby of even the most upscale hotel and crap in marble and gold splendour.
this sustains me while traveling.

I've crapped in the musicians' bathroom in many a club -- even when my band wasn't playing there.

Of course, it helps to look like a rockstar

[MOHSHSIHd]

I think its due to spending so much time on phish tour but i never ever in my life have:

-shit at a concert
-shit at a ski area
-shit at work


even on 2 or 3 night camping trips ect

i just shut off shittin....i never think about it or feel the need to...i just do not have to go in those situations...

[Baconzoo]

even on 2 or 3 night camping trips ect

i just shut off shittin....i never think about it or feel the need to...i just do not have to go in those situations...

At 6th grade camp, I didn't shit for a week and all I wanted when I got home was a big bowl of Rasin Bran.

[MOHSHSIHd]

At 6th grade camp, I didn't shit for a week and all I wanted when I got home was a big bowl of Rasin Bran.

my record is a week too...long canoe trip when i was 12...just didnt want to shit in the woods i guess

[avacadotoast]

Ever laugh out loud and then feel bad for the guy in the stall? Happened twice…

First time was when the weird rainman-like guy in Underwriting began playing air drums to the stall dweller’s ass-pops.

Second time was when what must have been a shotput fell out of some guy with a big ker-plunk and my bud whispered "what was that….a shoe!"

[bakers_dozen]

I think its due to spending so much time on phish tour but i never ever in my life have:

-shit at a concert
-shit at a ski area
-shit at work

See I shit at work because I live in a student house and its cleaner at work than at home... It gets cleaned every night... usually I even save up in the morning till I get to work if I have to...

Shitting at a club/bar sucks, especially high capacity ones where everyone pisses in the stalls due to urinals being taken up... Never done it but I've had friends who had.

Once I had to shit so bad at a bar that I put $20 on the table for my friends to pay with, left my pint halffull and quickly waddled home, I didn't make it while undoing my belt i started squirting and lets just say my jeans, the floor, and the seat needed a good cleaning after that

[Big Blue]

As far as work-shitting goes, I'd like to report a triple-deuce today. That's right, three solid-states during work hours.

As far as the unwanted dooker while recreating, try Immodium. It has become part of my pre-canyoneering preparation. I've haven't ever had to take off my wetsuit to shit on a narrow slab of sandstone, and I don't intend to break that trend. At the end of the day try Budweiser energy drink to counter-act the effects.

[snowsprite]

That is pretty fakking funny! BWA!!

Sprite

Second time was when what must have been a shotput fell out of some guy with a big ker-plunk and my bud whispered "what was that….a shoe!"

[funkendrenchman]

I have a friend that never shit in our middle/high school bathrooms... not once. He lived across the street from the school and whenever he had to go, he just went to his house and then came back when he was done his business. Pretty smart thinking I must say.

[Endlessseason]

That's funny. One of my sons was the same way. He could not and did not use the public bathrooms in all of his years of school.

[Endlessseason]

At 6th grade camp, I didn't shit for a week and all I wanted when I got home was a big bowl of Rasin Bran.

Sheesh. I think I once made it a whole day without going. I can't even imagine more than a couple of days. I think I'd explode.


I wasn't too sure about clicking on such a disgusting sounding topic, but it's turned out pretty funny.

[MOHSHSIHd]

Speaking of paper, I found myself in a very difficult situation on the way to Friday's Red Sox game. I stopped at the rest area on the Mass Pike in Natick to blast a dukie, and in my haste to make waste, I neglected to notice that the paper dispenser was empty, both rolls. So I'm sitting wallowing over a particularly nasty wet shit, debating my options. I can get up without wiping and walk away, get up and switch stalls re-drop trou and wipe up the mess I made, or I can sit and wait for some stranger to come sit down next to me and strike up a conversation in hopes he can help me out.

So, if it hadn't been such a sloppy one, I may have gotten up and switched stalls, but instead I decided to wait for someone to sit down in the next stall. Now this is a big rest area, gas station, mcdonalds, convenience store, mini arcade...so this bathroom has 10-15 stalls, and I'm planning on a decent wait. Not 30 seconds from my no-paper epiphany, some dude comes hustling into the next stall. Before his pants even hit the floor, his nasty diarrhea ass explodes all over the back of the bowl.

After giving him a minute to catch his breath, I do the unspeakable and break my silence. "How's it goin over there?", I asked.

"Oh man, I never should have eaten that left over Indian food from Monday night," I hear in return.

Monday night? Holy crap...Indian food rips me a new one the day I eat it, never mind 5 days of sitting in the fridge later.

I say, "Sounds like you got some problems, I got a problem too."

Now this guy must be thinking, who the fcuk is this guy in the stall next to me that won't shut the hell up. So I give him a minute to let him ask what my problem is, but he doesn't, so I have to break the silence again. "Hey buddy, you got any extra paper over there?"

The guy busts out laughing. He says, "In my 36 years of public restroom use, not one time has the guy next to me ever said a word. And I was seriously wondering why you felt the need to strike up a conversation with me, at a point in time when I'm hoping there was no one in the bathroom at all to hear the awful things coming out of my ass."

He tossed a whole roll over the stall wall with a simple, "Enjoy."

I was pretty distraught when I left the bathroom, and it took a good 3-4 Guinness at the park to get me back into a decent frame of mind.

Moral of the story: ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS, check for paper first.

thats classic right there

[Camilo]

While we're on the topic, I've had some recent encounters that really bother me. This situation only refers to a 3 or more stall situation (not including the disabled stall...I'll get to that in a minute). In past work environs, the unspoken etiquette seemed to be that the middle stall basically doesn't exist. Basically pick an end stall leaving a stall-width buffer for another user.

Well, at the new job, 100% of the time someone has come in and interrupted my quiet time, they've used the stall RIGHT NEXT to mine. Why do this? There is an empty stall on the end, why do you want to sit next to another person relieving themselves? If it weren't for other, very important bathroom etiquette, I would've said something weeks ago.

Solution: Drill a glory hole. You're rolling the dice, but chances are once the guy steps into the stall next to you, he won't feel too comfortable sitting next to you. But then again

[xboat]

Birks...commando...

just giving you a hard time. desperate times call for desperate measures for sure.

a couple years ago we were out pheasant hunting on a bitter cold day, far from any bathrooms. my brother says he's gotta crap.

bro - "who's got a t-shirt they want to donate?"

buddy - "you can have mine, but no way in hell am i gonna take off all these clothes to get it off...too fackin cold. you're gonna have to tear it off me."

so there we are out in the middle of BFE yanking my buddys shirt off his back and my bro crapping in minimal cover. good times.

just try and keep the dogs out of that stuff.

[Foggy_Goggles]

So I'm playing golf with a buddy, he goes into the woods to "look for his ball". He comes out with a half shit and short one sock.

[Nohillsnearby]

At the risk of rerunning something, I found this yesterday:

HOW TO POOP AT WORK
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
survival guide for taking a dump at the office.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so
the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but
doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not
stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to
stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the
WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of
the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering
your bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees