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  1. #51
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    OK, here's a bathroom story for you.

    Back in college, I made a point of never negotiating a hostage release in a public bathroom unless absolutely necessary. However, I felt a growler coming on one day in the library that would not take a number and wait in line. After a quick survey of the available bathrooms I chose a fairly remote one with a few stalls to choose from (full door unlike you sorry bastards at CU, jesus, who the f makes a crapper stall with a half door? Wouldn't it be even more expensive to buy a half door as the volumes are probably lower, with every sane person installing full doors? I digress....). I choose the far right stall, next to the two urinals, leaving two empty stalls to my left. As I start my negotiations, some dude comes in and takes the stall right next to me. My "what the f?" bells start going off, but I decide to focus on the job at hand and get outta there as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, turns out to be a long, drawn out messy negotiation, and the dude finishes before me. He goes to the sink, I can hear him washing up, and can kind of see shadows of movement thru the slot in my stall door. I hear the water turn on and off, hear the paper towels being used, then silence. No sound of the exit door, I figure he is checking himself out in the mirror. At this point I am essentially done, and ready to stand up and exit, when I realize I still haven't heard any sounds from this dude. No one else has entered the bathroom, start to finish it has been about 10 minutes. I start to get a little creeped out, and try to bend down and get a line of sight to where he is standing, by trying to peer out underneath the stall door, without actually being seen from outside. No dice, the toilet is too far from the door. My other option is to try to peek out the crack between the stall door and its frame. I am alarmed now, as it is so frigging quiet in the bathroom I can hear myself breathing, and the dude must be intentionally trying to be quiet as well. Part of me is thinking that I must have just missed his exit, and I am just being retarded. I slowly lean to my right to see if I can glimpse anything thru the slot... I end up making eye contact with the dude, he's standing absolutely still, grinning, staring at me peeking thru the door! HOLY SHIT! I jerk my head back, now running through my options. Having been alone with this dude for about 15 minutes, I decide quickly that waiting for someone else to come in is not really a good option, my arse was sore as it is from sitting on the shitter so long. So, I muster up some courage, and brace myself, planning on kicking the door open and getting the fuck out of there pronto. Just as I put my foot on the door, ready to bust it open, some unsuspecting dude comes in, and the creepo bolts past him, almost knocking him down. I run out to see if I can ID the guy but he's gone! Moral of the story, there may be other bad news awaiting you besides no paper or piss covered floors in the public john!

  2. #52
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    Smile Holy Shit!

    Nohillsnearby - laughing to TEARS!

    Damn that was funny.

  3. #53
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    OMG! That is truly whacked!

    Women know better than to play any kind of bathroom 'waiting game' with each other.

    I believe last time I checked, the record stood at like 2.5 hours. I mean, when you think of what we carry in our purses...we could be knitting a one-piece, touching up the grey roots, and making hand-crafted earrings in there while we wait for the other to leave.

    Sprite
    "I call it reveling in natures finest element. Water in its pristine form. Straight from the heavens. We bathe in it, rejoicing in the fullest." --BZ

  4. #54
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    Strange day already!

    First, I go to the 4th floor restroom cause it seems to be the least crowded. I walk into an empty facility, so all systems are go. I grab a stall, throw down an ass gasket, and just as I begin to sit, some dude takes the stall next to mine and then drops his handful of shit on the floor (gross) sending his glass careening into my zone. Rather than wait for me to hand the glasses to him, the guy reaches elbow-deep into my stall and starts patting the floor. I promptly toss him his glasses, call an abort, and get the frig out.

    I quickly make my way to the 3rd floor facilities, basically running cause the things are already in motion (I was mentally prepared to be relieved you understand. Throwing down the anchor while the ship's pulling away is not a good thing). So, I get to the bathroom, which has an occupied stall...aborting again is not an option! I take an END STALL, do my thing, and as I'm buttoning up, I hear the other guy doing the same. I rush to get out first and avoid an awkward meeting. As I'm washing my hands, I notice a shadowy silouette out of the corner of my eye. I look up into the mirror, and notice the guy standing at his closed stall door, peering out. Using every ounce of my inner strength I manage to hold in the laughter long enough to wash up and dry my hands. As I'm leaving I pull the door open and pause long enough to hear the guy finally leave the stall. I tried to wait for the door to close, but was unable to contain my laughter any more. Hopefully the guy doesn't recognize my shoes.
    Remind me. We'll send him a red cap and a Speedo.

  5. #55
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    holey shit you guys. Tears of laughter.

    Formal Notice To the Mags:

    QUIT MAKING SHITTING SO WEIRD!

    goddamn.

    Chaka- You should've just come busting out that door swinging. That is total freakass shit and he needs a beatdown for that, badly. Failing that perhaps you should tell the campus po-po's
    "It is not the result that counts! It is not the result but the spirit! Not what - but how. Not what has been attained - but at what price.
    - A. Solzhenitsyn

  6. #56
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    Quote Originally Posted by lemon boy
    holey shit you guys. Tears of laughter.

    Formal Notice To the Mags:

    QUIT MAKING SHITTING SO WEIRD!

    goddamn.

    Chaka- You should've just come busting out that door swinging. That is total freakass shit and he needs a beatdown for that, badly. Failing that perhaps you should tell the campus po-po's
    LB- agreed. The thought crossed my mind but weighing in around a buck 45 at the time limited my options a bit I was prepared to defend myself, to avoid hearing any "it puts the lotion in the basket" shit and end up being a plot line for CSI!

  7. #57
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    Ok, not many people know this story, so what the hell, ill post it on the internet.
    Scenario:about 6 summers ago i was working at a printing company, sometimes driving a van making deliveries to companies in Boston. Spending a lot of time on the road, i was basically forced to bring a lunch, or grab something while i was out. This particular day i decided to stop at McD's on the pike on my way in from Marlboro. On the ride i put down 2 cheeseburgers, fries, and a soda. Knowing I have some funky stomach issues quite ofteen, i really should have know there would be repercussions to this.
    ABout 20 mins later, as i was arriving at the building i was headed to, i had some serious growling going on, and there was no way in hell i was going to be able to make it back. This company did have a bathroom, but it directly next to 8 cubicles, which were full of happy little worker bees, so I decided it would be best not to fully embarass myself, and subject them all to my wrath.
    I had no idea what to do at this point, i made the delivery...gritting my teeth and completely sweating the entire time, thats how bad I had to go.
    SO, here I am back in the old freight elevator heading back down to the street desperately searching in my mind as to where the hell I was going to use the bathroom. Then...revelation. as I reached the bottom i opened the inside metal grate door to the elevator. If you dont know, these old freight elevators have 2 doors, one solid metal door on the outside on every floor to seal the shaft off from people in the building, which can only be opened from the inside, or if the elevator is on the floor, and one chain link kind of door to hold the occupants in the car.
    As i opened the inside door, i looked down, and realized that between the elevator car, and the wall of the shaft there was about a 5 inch gap...perhaps, i figured...yup, i could just hover over the gap and poop the shaft.It worked flawlessly.

  8. #58
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    Holy shit, you guys need to stop. I'm laughing my ass off!!!!

  9. #59
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    Damn, this is funny shit!!!

  10. #60
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    Quote Originally Posted by rightcoast
    Then...revelation. as I reached the bottom i opened the inside metal grate door to the elevator. If you dont know, these old freight elevators have 2 doors, one solid metal door on the outside on every floor to seal the shaft off from people in the building, which can only be opened from the inside, or if the elevator is on the floor, and one chain link kind of door to hold the occupants in the car.
    As i opened the inside door, i looked down, and realized that between the elevator car, and the wall of the shaft there was about a 5 inch gap...perhaps, i figured...yup, i could just hover over the gap and poop the shaft.It worked flawlessly.
    Winner for most disgusting torture upon the world.

    Dude, rather than stink up an actual bathroom where folks expect to smell shit, you found it better to dook up a fucking elevator shaft??? WTF!!!

    On the whole, although this thread has been entertaining, you folks need therapy.



    Just shit and move on. I dont care if the stall next door is occupied, as long as there is no excessive groaning and the air quality is acceptable.

    Personally, though, that's why I drink coffee. Half a cup of coffee, do my business, shower and scrub my sphincter and start my day clean and mean!

    Also one reason why the British army had lower levels of dysentery in their wars - morning tea and a quick dookie kept that shit out of the foxholes and trenches, literally.

  11. #61
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    One day, a number of years ago, my dad hears a loud pounding at the front door of the house. We're talking loud, urgent, there-must-be-an-emergency kind of pounding. He hurries to the door, opens it, and finds his boss standing on the front porch, sweating and squirming. His boss, who'd been over to the house before and knew where the bathroom was, shoulders past him while mumbling an apology of somekind and procedes directly to the facilities. He's in there for quite awhile with all sorts of awful sounds being produced. Finally, he comes out and explains that he was driving through the area, had a sudden onset, and my dad's house is the nearest place he can think of. How's that for Lumberg really sticking it to you.

  12. #62
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    Quote Originally Posted by Core Shot
    Winner for most disgusting torture upon the world.

    Dude, rather than stink up an actual bathroom where folks expect to smell shit, you found it better to dook up a fucking elevator shaft??? WTF!!!

    On the whole, although this thread has been entertaining, you folks need therapy.



    .
    not as bad as it sounds...hardly anyone ever used that elevator. i was actually back there 2 days later, no stink. i think the rats got to it..was on the boston waterfront.

  13. #63
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    Quote Originally Posted by Core Shot
    Just shit and move on. I dont care if the stall next door is occupied, as long as there is no excessive groaning and the air quality is acceptable.
    No kidding! I'm surprised at the hangups some of you have.

  14. #64
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    Talking

    My friend Aaron's girlfriend Karen once substituted poison ivy for TP after an afternoon growler in the woods.

    It required an emergency room visit.

    Didn't LAN do the same thing once?
    Balls Deep in the 'Ho

  15. #65
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    Unfortunately for me my office bathroom is a port-o-john with the creepy blue stuff. Hang around those long enough and you become a pro at the hover and hold so as not to touch anything in the blue box of doom. Almost anything seems clean after having those waiting for me every day on the construction site.
    If you open a second beer and don't miss a beat between sips, is that two beers or just one 24 ouncer? -Tye 1on

  16. #66
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    my office bathroom is a port-o-john with the creepy blue stuff.
    Touching the filth in a port-o-john is one thing......splash back is an entirely different level of grimness
    let your tracks be lost in the dark and snow

  17. #67
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nohillsnearby
    At the risk of rerunning something, I found this yesterday:

    HOW TO POOP AT WORK
    As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
    inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
    survival guide for taking a dump at the office.

    CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so
    the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but
    doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not
    stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
    make sure the smell has left your pants.

    FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
    check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
    come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
    become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

    ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
    forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
    of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
    Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
    the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
    uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
    parties feel uneasy.

    JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
    pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
    should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
    left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

    COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
    hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to
    stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the
    WALK OF SHAME.

    WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
    you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
    moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
    pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of
    the COURTESY FLUSH.

    OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn
    proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
    bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look
    around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
    bathroom.

    SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
    can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
    opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering
    your bathroom.

    TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
    and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
    vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
    occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
    will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

    CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
    bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
    WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
    used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

    ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
    that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
    stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
    immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

    WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
    water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
    coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

    HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
    splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
    using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

    UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
    spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
    pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
    you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This
    benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees
    DEPTH CHARGE: When sitting in a hot-tub, you have to fart, and, ruh roh raggy...............................A little dookie sneaks on out. Wicked Pissah!!!
    The older I get, the better I was.

  18. #68
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    Hilarious thread.

    When I was younger I could go a week without shitting no probs. entire weeks scout camps came and went without issue. But whenI went to Basic Training...that was something else entirely. About 10 days in I thought I was going to die. Fortunately I finished a run quick and got into the bathroom before having to sit next to someone else. I believe that the DOD spends $10,000 on a toilet, because that turd muncher ate 10 days worth of mookie stinks like it wasn't even there. By the time I left Basic and AIT 4 months later I was ready to play backgammon between the stalls while shitting. Hell, I'd get bored not having somebody to talk to while shitting and went down to the McDonalds to make some friends. Just kidding.

    Also while in the military and at the NTC in Death Valley there was quite the shitting scene. 10 toilets all right next each other in an open room with showers on the other side. No stall doors. No shower stalls. God that sucked. And we all had to eat MREs for 21 days straight so the tar bubbling from those old reservists was one of the most foul things ever. And if you can imagine a fart in a steamy shower imagine 10 old men shitting MRE tar
    in a steamy room with no dividers. Those 21 days were worse than the 4 months at Basic and AIT.

  19. #69
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    Quote Originally Posted by gorms
    Touching the filth in a port-o-john is one thing......splash back is an entirely different level of grimness
    Yes, just lay down a layer of TP before you shit to avoid the splash back. I was informed of this by a coworker after the terrifying experience.
    If you open a second beer and don't miss a beat between sips, is that two beers or just one 24 ouncer? -Tye 1on

  20. #70
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    ^^^^^
    Too little too late.....sage advice for next time though
    let your tracks be lost in the dark and snow

  21. #71
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    Since most people seem to be embarrased to take a dump in the same room as other people, I always think it is funny to make as much noise as possible when I sit in the stall. Farts, splashing sounds, grunting, it all just makes everybody else be even more quiet. I mean, what's there to be embarassed about, everybody knows you're there to take a shit anyway.
    You see, in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend: Those with loaded guns and those who dig. You dig.

  22. #72
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    Mar 2005
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    Quote Originally Posted by runethechamp
    Since most people seem to be embarrased to take a dump in the same room as other people, I always think it is funny to make as much noise as possible when I sit in the stall. Farts, splashing sounds, grunting, it all just makes everybody else be even more quiet. I mean, what's there to be embarassed about, everybody knows you're there to take a shit anyway.

    Back in college we used to have poo races... we'd all line in the stalls and the first one to complete was the winner... those were the days

    haha

  23. #73
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    Apr 2004
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    Angry Hummm

    The worst pot-o-potty I've ever given birth in was the Tsania Lodge in Valdez. It had a mound that rose out of and above the seat like Diamond Peak. You had to squat over it. That stank, mixed with jet fuel and weed/coffee breath was something else. The nervousness made for a quick one regardless.

    Anyone else care to remember that one circa 1992? I think Chet knocked it over with his truck during his fued with Cozad. Maybe it was 93'

  24. #74
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    Quote Originally Posted by meatdrink9
    By the time I left Basic and AIT 4 months later I was ready to play backgammon between the stalls while shitting.
    Yes, bootcamp will do that to you.

    One time at bandcamp...er bootcamp... I was firing up the log ride and enjoying the rare time alone when a guy came in and entered the stall directly across from me. Now the stalls in bootcamp were regular stalls but the doors were taken off. So your basically sitting eye to eye with the guy across from you. This is a good 2 months into bootcamp, so like MeatDrink9 said, not a big deal anymore. Well this guy enters the stall across from me and immediately drops his pants and underwear to the floor while still facing the toilet. I'm thinking... most people turn around before they drop there pants, right? Well right then he starts beating the shit out of Mr. Willy right there in front of me. Now this whole time he never knew I was there. You would think he'd have secured the perimeter before executing the spanking but apparrently 2 months of bootcamp and no women had taken it's toll. I'm not the type to take interest in someone elses self multilation practices but I just had to fuck with this guy. And bear in mind that I can only see the back of this guy since he's standing facing the toilet. Well I sat there quietly until I figured Mr. Willy was about to give in and then I said, "dude, what's your stroke count?" He then jumped, squirmed, and just turned around and sat down on the toilet like nothing ever happened. He just sat there and started up a conversation. Ya, that was awkward...

    and, and, another time at bandcamp this girl shoved a trumpet up my ass... bnrrnnt

  25. #75
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    Feb 2004
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    Quote Originally Posted by Baconzoo
    It had a mound that rose out of and above the seat like Diamond Peak.
    Along similar lines... Once upon a time on a hut trip, I wandered out to the poo shed around 2 in the AM. The poo shed was more or less in an open air shed adjacent to the cabin. When i got there my flashlight revealed a shimmering mountain of frozen solid poo that had grown well above the seat. The wildest part was that the moisture in the air had mixed with the poo pile to create some pretty amazing surface hoar. It was beyond mesmerizing.
    We named it the shit-cicle and all added our own topography to the monolith.

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