as good as it gets aka new parent / self mid life - sage mag advice needed!

**cycology1** · 04-21-2019, 04:25 PM

so I know a lot of mags here have gone thru this and there are a some posts related to this, but not a single thread for advice.

past live - uber fun w tons of travels for biking and skiing and well, maybe selfish pursuits...but amazing. hard rides or tours kept me sane

new post married and toddler life - no endorphins, no adrenaline, building new business, super out of shape, nothing like even pre marriage dating life..make up excuses and basically stuff on couch 'planning'. lack of hard rides and skiing driving me batty.

so, which one is it?

suck it up buttercup
I'm doing wrong
the 1st year sucks, it's all up hill
shoot me in the nads now, it's all downhill..

There has to be some good advice floating around this place..

never in my sub 50 years have I been so beat up...just part of the gig? mentally the lack riding or getting after it has to be the worst part.

I hear I'm an amazing father, so there's that, but that isn't help me yet...

what say the collective?

**DBdude** · 04-21-2019, 04:29 PM

the first year is really hard. if the only way you can be happy is super time consuming you are going to be unhappy. perhaps find something that you can get your rocks off on and not have to spend a lot of time on.

I went through it and was able to get away to ski and getting a ride in can't be the that difficult

i am not crazy about babies and toddlers. Many guys aren't. My teenagers are my best friends.

**DJSapp** · 04-21-2019, 04:42 PM

Yup. It's hard for the first few years. You have to realize it isn't about you anymore. At all. That's the tough bit. It won't ever be what it was. It will eventually be similar but different,

For example, the family just went up to the hill for closing weekend. On the way home we we're talking about the season. Both of my kids went from skiing greens to skiing black diamonds on the last day. The stoke coming from the kids was palpable. There will be a day both of them are better skiers than I am. And that's awesome.

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**mooseknuckles** · 04-21-2019, 04:45 PM

Originally Posted by cycology1

tours

Eliminate this word and any conjugate form of said word. You don't have time for any of it. Strength is your new friend. Short, hard, fast interval work. Close the computer and get the fuck off the couch. Everything else will correct itself accordingly.

**Doremite** · 04-21-2019, 04:58 PM

Try to find a way to get back into reasonable shape and stay there.

Get your kid(s) on skis/bikes.

Watching them progress is really rad and take joy in introducing them to the things that have brought you so much joy (at least back in the good old days when your time was yours).

I have a 2 & 5 year old and the amount of effort skiing is right now for how little I actually get to do of it is comical*. That said watching my older daughter have a shit ton of fun on skis is just awesome. I can’t wait until our family of four is a full on crush crew.

Subscribe to the Ongoing Kid Stoke thread. The future is bright just nothing like the past.

*half truth in that I have a rare child care support situation that puts me on snow at lot more than most in my situation/life stage.

**AK47bp** · 04-21-2019, 05:11 PM

I’d say be grateful for how good you had it. Think of all the losers you know that suck and be glad that if you stopped everything now you’ve lived more in your pre-kid years than most men do their entire lives.

Then have some patience. As the toddler turns into the 4-5 year range they are more self sufficient and the wife may give you less shit for your selfish pursuits. You start teaching them and hopefully they like the things you like.

It’s never going to be the same but I’d say life is eventually more fulfilling with a kid, In my experience.

**kathleenturneroverdrive** · 04-21-2019, 05:19 PM

Where do you live OP?

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**I've seen black diamonds!** · 04-21-2019, 05:24 PM

It gets way better. Get your ass in shape and tell your wife you need to get out more. Because you do. Maybe sign up for some sort of event a few months off that will require you to get yourself fit.

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**schuss** · 04-21-2019, 05:29 PM

Ever wait for a weather window? A storm? Same deal.
First year is hard, gets easier from there. Biggest thing is this (IMO) - understand your life is not about you anymore. You will still get you time, but it's going to be more rare. That you have to suck up.
That said, nothing better than being your kids hero, which you already are, it's just on you to keep the position.

**cycology1** · 04-21-2019, 06:05 PM

thx all. seems to be common theme here. won't be the same but eventually will be better/different.

fortunately the wife is on board w me getting out but feel obligated to be there til things are more normal.

crap, I've seen the ongoing kids stoke thread but never crossed my mind to view. ha...

in breck so kinda lots to do real close which will help w shorter time frame for selfish pursuits albeit less frequently now I guess...

just so odd that I didnt see this coming. had lots of buddies go thru this, and I guess they did go Mia for a couple/ few years come to think of it but did eventually.

thx again!

**old goat** · 04-21-2019, 06:21 PM

switch off with wife. You both need to get away from parenting some. Don't either one of you feel guilty.
my one piece of child rearing advice--give kid food, let kid eat food, throw out the rest. Do not argue with kid over food, you cannot win. Don't even discuss, just serve and clean up A) no child given enough food to eat has ever starved (not talking about adolescents, obviously) B) kids eat less than you think they do, except during growth spurts when they eat more.

**hafjell** · 04-21-2019, 06:34 PM

+1 to The it’s not about you.
Also, ditch the road bike and start running. Way more efficient use of time and better sport specificity if you want to tour. One hour run in your condition will be a lot. One hour ride, eh. Lots of fat cyclists and swimmers. Not a lot of fat runners. Get on a training plan, communicate with your wife, make sure she’s able to train/exercise too, and go. IMO, bikes and golf are very hard to keep with after kids arrive. Skiing and running are much easier as long as you schedule.

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**St. Jerry** · 04-21-2019, 06:40 PM

Originally Posted by DJSapp

Yup. It's hard for the first few years. You have to realize it isn't about you anymore. At all. That's the tough bit. It won't ever be what it was. It will eventually be similar but different,

For example, the family just went up to the hill for closing weekend. On the way home we we're talking about the season. Both of my kids went from skiing greens to skiing black diamonds on the last day. The stoke coming from the kids was palpable. There will be a day both of them are better skiers than I am. And that's awesome.

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Interesting you say "it's not about you anymore." About five minutes after my son was born, we looked each other in the eyes for about a minute straight and that was the exact thought that went through my head at that time.

**dtown** · 04-21-2019, 06:49 PM

Only other thing I’d add is go exercise when it’s convenient for the group, the kid will always nap, wake up or go to bed a generally the same time. Use that to your advantage.

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**EWG** · 04-21-2019, 07:03 PM

Originally Posted by cycology1

thx all. seems to be common theme here. won't be the same but eventually will be better/different.

fortunately the wife is on board w me getting out but feel obligated to be there til things are more normal.

crap, I've seen the ongoing kids stoke thread but never crossed my mind to view. ha...

in breck so kinda lots to do real close which will help w shorter time frame for selfish pursuits albeit less frequently now I guess...

just so odd that I didnt see this coming. had lots of buddies go thru this, and I guess they did go Mia for a couple/ few years come to think of it but did eventually.

thx again!

1. Don't stop. Don't. No matter how hard it is, even if it's only a few times a month, get out there. Never stop.

2. Drag the kids with you. Biking, skiing, whatever. From before they can walk. They will think it's just normal and never question it. And if they do question it, don't give in.

3. Hopefully your wife goes big too. If not, get her all the gear she could want, make it fun, get her out there.

It is all worth it. All of it. All the time with a ski harness, all the running beside them up narrow singletrack pushing the bike while pulling yours, the pushing them into waves over and over hoping this is the time they'll stand up.

It gets better, every day, every year, it keeps getting better. By the time they are early teenagers its amazing. By the time they are older teenagers it's heaven. They will kick your ass and it will be the best thing ever. Imagine a ski buddy who is far better than you, much younger, has more stamina, is almost always incredibly stoked just to be there, rips lines you barely survived when you did them, and loves you deeply. It will - eventually - make these things you love even more a part of you than they are now.

Just. Don't. Stop.

**The SnowShow** · 04-21-2019, 07:18 PM

It is comical how hard skiing can be with a young kid. And also it can be better than a deep powder day in my opinion.
This year, I had some big highs and big lows. Highs that are so fulfilling. Lows that make you want to scream and give up. Just keep at it.

**SumJongGuy** · 04-21-2019, 07:43 PM

Couple of day trips per season is all I usually get nowadays. Fortunately one of mine likes skiing. They'll be out of the nest in a couple years..

Brace yourself. When you think the kid(s) are old enough to go for it you'll be super excited. You'll overthink their gear needs to the nth degree. You'll plan and over plan a great ski or bike day to introduce them to the sport. Unfavorable weather or even just a "not feeling it" vibe from can result on the proper decision to pull the plug on that outing 45 minutes in to it. As mentioned, it's all about them now instead of you... until you get them out of your house it's all about them now.

**Danno** · 04-21-2019, 08:13 PM

Good thread, I could have used some of the advice a while ago.

**cycology1** · 04-21-2019, 10:17 PM

yeah! thx again...think ur all saying there's a chance!

some great tips for sure.

**MakersTeleMark** · 04-21-2019, 10:39 PM

pm rontele

**sharcsplean** · 04-22-2019, 02:00 AM

the first year sucks. I would rather stay home than pack all the kiddie crap and go away for a weekend. I went from being a weekend warrior instructor to under 15 days.

but, we did trade offs, skied with a group of people and everyone took off a few runs to watch the tyke. 3 day weekend with the boys and a my wife did a long weekend with her friends. Do you have family around to watch the kid for the occasional ski day or overnight? Saturday morning bike ride with my friends, sunday she with hers. A lot of give and take. and what everyone else said - it is not about you.

FInd a babysitter! we found some people through the local day care. The people were happy to work on the weekend in the morning to let us get a bike ride together. 3 hours of freedom!

a bike trailer with a bag of cheerios is good for 1 to 2 ours of riding. My kids would usually nap for at least a hour in the trailer...
Get a hiking back pack - nothing helps you to get in shape like carrying a child on your back for 2 hour hike.

kids were able to ski at 3 - let someone else teach them... and the 2 or 3 hour lesson will let you and your partner ski together!
Younger guy did his first itinerary at 4 and is now doing freeski comps at 14. Older boy is a pow snob.

It sucks right now - at 2 you can get them on a strider biker. at 3 they can ski and the diaper bag goes bye bye.

you will get there, but it takes time and patience.

**stapes** · 04-22-2019, 02:03 AM

Some good advice here already, and I can certainly relate to your pre/post baby activity changes. All day long outings have been replaced by sneaking in a run when time allows. Get a good stroller you can run with and take the kiddo. Pushing that thing makes it a little more challenging and then running without it seems easy. Running 4-5 days a week, even if just a half hour at lunch, keeps me sane.

Also, get a burley or some trailer to pull behind the bike and hit the bike path with the family. Ditto for hiking with the baby in the front carrier and eventually backpack carrier. It’s almost easier before they’re 2 compared to when they start wanting to walk on their own and get heavier to carry.

It all changes constantly, and certain aspects get easier, others harder. But it’s all worth it.

**skiJ** · 04-22-2019, 04:52 AM

Originally Posted by beece

1. Don't stop. Don't. No matter how hard it is, even if it's only a few times a month, get out there. Never stop.

2. Drag the kids with you. Biking, skiing, whatever. From before they can walk. They will think it's just normal and never question it. And if they do question it, don't give in.

3. Hopefully your wife goes big too. If not, get her all the gear she could want, make it fun, get her out there.

It is all worth it. All of it. All the time with a ski harness, all the running beside them up narrow singletrack pushing the bike while pulling yours, the pushing them into waves over and over hoping this is the time they'll stand up.

It gets better, every day, every year, it keeps getting better. By the time they are early teenagers its amazing. By the time they are older teenagers it's heaven. They will kick your ass and it will be the best thing ever. Imagine a ski buddy who is far better than you, much younger, has more stamina, is almost always incredibly stoked just to be there, rips lines you barely survived when you did them, and loves you deeply. It will - eventually - make these things you love even more a part of you than they are now.

Just. Don't. Stop.

this ^^^ Like this --

**cinnepa** · 04-22-2019, 06:25 AM

my riding time got cut in half....i supplement with running. hate it but only takes a fraction of the time to get a good sweat in.

**muted** · 04-22-2019, 06:33 AM

Is your main issue "building new business" or having a kid? The first year they sleep all the time, it's super easy to leave for a couple hours and do anything. But if you are building a new biz WITH a newborn, ya yer fucked. When ours were young, they would and could sleep anywhere so one of us would hang out at a city park while the other rode bikes. Take turns as someone said. As long as yer wife is having alone time, whether it's going to a friends or shopping without a kid or biking her favorite trail, why can't you step out too? It has to be even-stevens though, or better yet your wife has more alone-time than you. She's more exhausted anyways.

One of the biggest mistakes dads do is think they have to be there every second. And then they let themselves go. (As I sit here out-of-shape typing, there is some irony, but I blame "building a biz" for the last two months of not much activity, ha.) It's ridiculous to just stop doing what you love, something that provides mental and psychical benefits, and is part of who you are. Your wife doesn't want to see you give up your goals, get fat, and be depressed around the house. She was probably attracted to you because of your mental drive to do tough rides and all that BS. If she is supporting you to do so, go exercise. If she is not, explain it to her. But as people say, it'll be different. You get to sneak out for a short time, rather than drop out on a long multi-day ride. All-day tours on the weekends is pretty unfair to my wife, for example, she needs a break at that point.

Also:

-when you are scheduled to leave: have your bike (or whatever) already in your car and be fully packed. Jump in your shoes, don't tie them until you are at least 10 miles away, and rip your clothes off like superman with yer bike clothes already on. Don't dilly-dally, things go to shit in an instant.
-when the kid is a bit older, have the wife take a two or three day weekend with friends somewhere. This means you can, too. We are now up to a week for personal trips a year. With random weekends too. Sometimes my wife says, "I'm stressed, I'm going to Moab for a couple days." And she does. it would not be anyone's best interest to say 'no'.
-hire a maid even if it's expensive....when the kid gets older.
-somebody asked where you live....if you are far away from the mountains, as you know, none of this advice really helps. You have to be near a trailhead. If I could do this again, I'd literally move to being next door to a trailhead before having a kid, ha! I'm within a half hour of good trails though.
-only thing that really makes me sane is being able to ski weekdays for a couple hours before work. And leaving a bike at work for quick rides. Or just running shoes and a change of clothes. If you can make this happen at yer new biz down the line when things settle out, your life will be much better!
-as people said before....get a babysitter and take the wife out to dinner or have her do whatever and you go ride twice a month. It's expensive, but what else can ya do? I wish we had grandparents in our state....
-having my 2 and 5 year old in day care (Montessori School) let me ski weekdays guilt-free. For a bit we had weekly ski dates because of this, but then my work kicked my ass March-April.
-commute on your bike to work

I'm not some random lucky dude out there (besides being able to ski during the week, a flexible lifestyle is key to everything I'll admit, and some spare cash for babysitters/maids, etc.), I feel like I'm somewhat normal for a person in the mountains. I have a friend with a 5 year old who is climbing Everest right now, for example. I know people who bike 5-6 times a week with young kids. People are putting my lil' tips to shame. But it's possible to do more than nothing.