Blog: Ex wife and keep kids skiing....

[Mustonen]

The problem here isn't about ski gear.

Um. Yup.

Sounds to me like youve got a bit of a control thing going on.

Ya think? I’m pretty sure I more or less said that. Trying to focus group my base reactions, here.

If you want your kids to hate skiing you're going about it the right way. The primary goal here is to minimize conflict between you and your ex where the kids are concerned. Whether you're the one who gets to ski with them is less important. I get it that your ex seems to be using skiing with your kids as a way to get at you but your job is to keep the kids from being pawns in this.

Yup. That’s where the thread ended up. Good summary. The core issue is that I do backflips to maintain that, because she has no such code and uses it as leverage. Eventually, I need to manage away from that. Or maybe not. I’m capable of whatever, just want to navigate to the greatest good over the long game.

You're the cool ski patrol dad. They'll be wanting to ski with you soon enough.

Hope so. And they do, when they actually do want to ski.

[Mustonen]

Make sure you tell them how much you love skiing with them.

This is good. And I do. Often.

[Mustonen]

Is it more important that you ski with your kids or spent quality, positive time doing 'stuff' with your kids?

I've spent a fair amount of time thinking about what I did right and wrong with my, now 20 something, son. I think with skiing, I sort of crammed my passion for skiing down his throat and got impatient at times, creating some stress. He loves to ski, but his passion is soccer, which I could not get him interested in early on.

Whatever you do, try to kept it positive and turn them onto all kinds of stuff and see what sticks. Then they'll guide you....just keep your wallet handy.

Great post. And good food for thought. Thank you.

[ill-advised strategy]

Random unconnected thoughts:

1) MMRT is pretty social...and it’s Wednesday! And aside from a freestyle mogul team there’s no better technical base than racing as a kid for later ripping.

2) Locker for skis/poles. Small bags for boots, gloves, etc....hockey bag for all the small bags.

3) I’m baffled when kids don’t want to ski. Our whole neighborhood was outside all the time though: we all walked to school, outside recess, street hockey, neighborhood sledding hills, snow forts, king of the hill...all that stuff. Getting cold and wet outside was every day...so skiing was like an easier drier way up the hill...and there were bathrooms and cheese fries and shit right there.
My sister never did any of that. Indoors, being a miserable cooped-up asshole. Maybe that’s why all of us were out there having fun in the cold...we didn’t want to be in our little houses with whoever was brooding at home there. My sister still baffles me, I’m baffled by a significant percentage of human beings. Think about how many people live here and hate winter...incomprehensible.

4) I can stop sending you updates from the hill...that may just be driving you insane. In my mind it’s like the reverse....like sometimes a “buddy’s already there” text gets me moving to go ski or surf. But I don’t want to contribute to a sense of frustration either.

5) Maybe the trick is to go ski from the boathouse on the weekend?

6) Hear me out here....think about nordic for next year. You could go out there with the dogs and just beaterflail around near the house.

7) The coming spring is a good time to build on whatever little ski fire is going in their little hearts...less cold, more sun...people having more fun. Maybe some time when you’re out there you guys could ski over and watch MMRT do whatever they’re doing and see what they think of it?

Good luck d00d. By trying, and caring, you’re a great parent by default....

There’s a real interesting exploration of an extreme example of “dad loves surfing, makes kids surf” called “Surfwise”....all the kids have grown to be smart enough and self aware enough to try and sort out how that upbringing affected them, and I find that film to be very fascinating. Maybe you coukd watch it if you end up housebound with the offspringz.

[oftpiste]

A lot of whether kids end up liking skiing during and after growing up doing it is pure luck of the draw on who they are. I got lucky. I know ski families where, as the kids got older, someone got really interested in other weekend activities.

One thing I think I might have done right was that it was just "what we did" on weekends and school breaks in winter when they were young. It really helps to establish that notion if you can get them into a program, and when they're not in the program go skiing with them vs. having them go skiing with you. Yes, you will miss some pow day shredding and sometimes that will be hard, but you won't regret it.

There's always a conversation around 'making' your kids ski. Some would say that making skiing "what you do" is making your kids ski. I disagree to certain extent, and I know some disagree with me. My thinking is that there's all kinds of shit we 'make' kids do as parents. It's part of raising a kid. They don't want to go to school, clean up their rooms, eat their vegetables, turn off the lights etc ad nauseam.

There will be times they object to going skiing just like all those other things, but if that's what you do as a family and you're committed to a schedule it just becomes an activity like any other. Getting kids to do anything they don't feel like doing can suck. But that's parenting 101.

At some point it will be time to let them participate at a level they have some control over. If you're lucky, skiing will be ingrained in their souls and they will have developed a community of their own around it, so they'll keep it up. But one might and one might not, and then you have to shift things around. But when they're younger, just say, "this is what we do in the winter" and commit (not that you're not committed) to ensuring it happens.

[The Tortoise]

That's basically what we're doing with the younger kid who isn't as keen as the older one who is in racing. We're going as a family and there's not much debate. Once there the younger one has a good time.

To make it fun for him I've skied the ski cross run, the park and all the monkey trails with my kids WAY more than I'd like. They enjoy being able to pick the runs and I just go along and try to not hurt myself.

[Danno]

We have always had the attitude that skiing is just what we do. And my daughter was ok with it, she always loved the lessons we put her in but didn't always love skiing otherwise. This year (she's 8) is the first time she has taken to it, and wanted to do it. I recall telling her that we were going skiing back in early December and she gave a fist pump "yes!". And I was bursting with pride. But even so, it is the race team thing that has really gotten her hooked, made it social, allowed her a lot of independence from us and a lot of interaction with older kids (including her high school-aged coaches).

[wkd-rdr]

In the same position here. I take care of the equipment (and buy it), and she uses when (if) they go skiing with her. All in one large duffle bag. It can be accessed from my garage for simplicity, but it must be returned in the same condition. The kids know their equipment and know basics of packing and drying their stuff.


Kids ski with me, and they have a blast. The boy is young (7), and is still blatantly honest. He tells me mom and her dork of a man friend are not fun to ski with, and that they are slow. The slowest skiers EVAR! (Lulz)
And everyday I ski with my kids is another best day ever, even if its not.

It works out if you just stay the course. This is a way of life, a way to enjoy life. Live it, they'll get it, but you cant tell them with words.

[LHutz Esq]

There's always a conversation around 'making' your kids ski. Some would say that making skiing "what you do" is making your kids ski. I disagree to certain extent, and I know some disagree with me. My thinking is that there's all kinds of shit we 'make' kids do as parents. It's part of raising a kid. They don't want to go to school, clean up their rooms, eat their vegetables, turn off the lights etc ad nauseam.



.

Agreed,

reminded me of this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIs8TWU1y9c

which my kids love and we often play weekend mornings before stuffing them in the truck for the ride up the hill.

[oftpiste]

Truly a classic.

[Buster Highmen]

Update: I facilitated skiing yesterday. Ran all over and got the stuff where it needed to be. I wasn’t able to join them since I had a work meeting last night.

As predicted, they had a fine time skiing yesterday, but don’t want to go skiing with me today because, well, they just went yesterday.

It sucks. Oh well...

Ya done gud d00d, ya dun gud.

[old goat]

We made our kids ski because it's what my wife and I liked to do and when they were little they had to go along with the program, because parents have rights too. When the youngest was old enough we let him ski on his own for as long as he liked and then spend the rest of the day in the lodge. When he was older we let him stay home by himself in Truckee. Now he likes to ski but isn't passionate. He is a passionate hiker, backpacker, and climber. The other son loved to ski through childhood and eventually spent a couple of season on Squaw patrol.

I don't think parents have to completely arrange their lives to accommodate their kids' interests. Kids and parents have to accommodate each other's interests. Kids' welfare comes first, but not their wants. It's good to have lives that don't revolve entirely around kids.

[Mustonen]

Looks like we’re in a war of attrition now. I told the ex I was looking into ski racing for the kids. My son (12) doesn’t want to; I wasn’t going to make him. My youngest goes back and forth. My oldest is ALL about it, though.

Anyhow. She told me she wasn’t interested in the kids doing that. I told her I didn’t actually give a fuck about basketball, but here we were on a sunny day in March sitting on a bleacher in a middle school gym. She “removed herself from the situation” immediately and now she isn’t talking to me. Only texts.

Then she said she was going to sign my son up for hockey.

It’s a real nice time.

[old goat]

Looks like we’re in a war of attrition now. I told the ex I was looking into ski racing for the kids. My son (12) doesn’t want to; I wasn’t going to make him. My youngest goes back and forth. My oldest is ALL about it, though.

Anyhow. She told me she wasn’t interested in the kids doing that. I told her I didn’t actually give a fuck about basketball, but here we were on a sunny day in March sitting on a bleacher in a middle school gym. She “removed herself from the situation” immediately and now she isn’t talking to me. Only texts.

Then she said she was going to sign my son up for hockey.

It’s a real nice time.

There go the thousands you spent on dental work down the drain.

[XXX-er]

I went out with a woman who was into running marathons, teleskiing, xc skiing rock climbing BC skiing in BC and all but her 3 kids not so much ... you neva know what you gona get

I went out with a different woman who couldn't really talk to her ex cuz he used to just bowl her over with BS in person SO instead she did all communications by e-mails/texts BUT becuz he wasnt as smart as he thot he was she could study what he wrote and out smart him time after time ... SO don't discount communicatin by written word only

If kid wants to play hockey so be it, let her take him to them early am hockey practices in the cold rink

[oftpiste]

or just say "this is what we do on my weekends". Is it up to her to decide what the kids do on your time?

[tenB]

To all the non-parents giving advice on making kids responsible for all their gear; Consider what this looks like from the kids’ perspective, especially with duel residences. It’s hard enough for kids who have all their gear and routines in one place. As the dad who wants the kids to ski, make your peace and happily be the gear organizer and transporter. Dedicated bags are essential.

It looks like the ex is using skiing and gear issues to poke you, but you’re taking the bait and your frustration is not going unnoticed by your kids. 5-10 minutes of schlepping gear is nothing, you got this.

Nothing wrong with kids wanting to play basketball and hockey, so make your peace with that too. It will make them better athletes and better skiers.

Can you split the kids on the weekend, one parent goes to hockey, basketball, the other takes kid(s) to ski?

[RShea]

It looks like the ex is using skiing and gear issues to poke you, but you’re taking the bait and your frustration is not going unnoticed by your kids. 5-10 minutes of schlepping gear is nothing, you got this.

Can you split the kids on the weekend, one parent goes to hockey, basketball, the other takes kid(s) to ski?

Probably right that the ex is using the skiing as a bit of a game. However, if there is one that wants to play hockey or basketball, and Dad allows that kid to stay with Ex, then when will he be seeing that kid (or kids) that week. Only way to spend some time in some joint custody arrangement is the days you are designated with the agreement. Swapping of the days can be a nightmare- especially if there is not any flexibility due to the strained relationship and having to get a judge or 2 lawyers to draw up the visitation and days etc. So Dad ends up being just the one kid that wants to ski visitation during the ski season, the others that would be off doing basketball or hockey would be with the Ex??

[jono]

duel residences

A thousand cuts by SMS sucks, but if you're not dueling, it could be worse. Hang in there man.

I always read it as "a non-alias" BTW. Made that one slip kinda funny!

[XXX-er]

To all the non-parents giving advice on making kids responsible for all their gear; Consider what this looks like from the kids’ perspective, especially with duel residences ?

IME they don't really get the concept of mom's shit and dad's shit which is stuff the 2 of you fought over

I've seen stuff just go missing like xc racing skis how do those things go missing they were red for fucksakes?

ask GF's kid hey where is the boots I lent you or the sleeping bag ?

well it got left at dads house and he put it away along with all the shit from his GF's 5 kids

its all just family shit and they really don't give a fuck about it anyway so if you don't keep track of it ... they won't either

[Mustonen]

Thanks for replies, all. Really do appreciate the weighing in on my sad blogs.

One of the primary arrows used against me is that I occasionally miss stuff. For example, my son had 3 games over a 2 day weekend a while ago (something like 1pm Sat, 8pm Sat., 3pm Sun). I missed one of them to go skiing with a friend who drove 6 hours to visit. I missed the 1pm Sat game. I think that's fine - wasn't my weekend and I made the other two (only missed 3 or 4 games ever). There was a whole diatribe from her about this while discussing whether or not we might get the kids into racing. So, while dividing and conquering to make sure kids get to their events sounds like a reasonable plan.... it falls apart in practice when we approach it with apparently quite different values. Shit, she used to expect the whole clan to go to every doctor's appointment. Point being, I don't see the approach gaining any traction in this relationship. I hesitate to battle over anything because she is willing to go further than I am to win or make her point, even if it negatively impacts the kids. I will lose, until I'm in a spot where I no longer have to play the game.

I let my son stay home the other day when we went skiing. It worked out fine. I missed having him there, but it was a nice time with the girls at the hill and we all had fun.

[RShea]

One other thing about the Hockey and Basketball, or for that matter to a bit of a lesser effect even the junior racing team is that those are all things that you spend time doing- as in taking the kid, in essence dropping them off while they practice, train, and play their games. Then they ride home with you. Yes, you could be there to cheer them on in the stands, but the one thing that is different about skiing it you are doing along side them (assuming that you ski together and not go your separate ways and just meet up at the end of the day), riding up the lifts, hanging out more than just the ride up and ride home.

Not that you have to spend every minute with them, but a bit of a difference for some quality time.

[oftpiste]

^^^ to this end, some of my best memories (when we weren't traveling) of skiing with my boys are around the drives up and down together.

[4matic]

I missed one of them to go skiing with a friend who drove 6 hours to visit.

I don’t get why that matters. I can’t remember ever really caring if my parents watched me play. My dad could never attend do to health and job so when he did it was special but it was playing I loved. Drop me off and I’m good.

[oftpiste]

It matters because it can be used as a weapon to undermine him and what he want to do with and for his kids. Remember, right and wrong, reason, and other things normal people consider a part of life go out the window in the midst of this shit.

Maybe in the future have yer pals come when you don't have the groms..... no criticism, just probably in your best interests not to miss anything without a damn good reason. You need to think strategically for a while.