My kid says she was sexually harassed at school.....

**Mustonen** · 02-18-2019, 08:11 PM

My 7th grader came home today and says one of the boys in her class has been grabbing her butt at school. Random creeper in the hallway kind of thing, quick grab/smack that's over too quick to positively identify who did it. She said that she suspected one boy, since he was always right there every time it happened (2 times before today). Today, it happened again, and this boy was right there, and then she witnessed the boy doing it to one of her friends.

I know the kid's dad, sort of. Well enough that I have his cell phone number, not well enough that he'd expect my phone call on a random Monday, but nice guy. I called him and let him know what had happened. He talked to his son, who denied everything, and he believes him.

My daughter wants to report it to the principal tomorrow morning, which I'm totally good with. I want to support her without compromising her sense of agency. I told her I was proud of her for coming forward, reinforced how serious it was and that it's so consequential that there isn't any room for either false accusations OR any embellishments, and I counseled her to focus on the outcome and not too much on the punishment ("he should get expelled!" she says). The dad and I agreed we'd meet with the principal tomorrow morning, probably after my daughter and her friend reported it to the office. Mostly just to keep us all on the same page and advocate for an appropriate resolution. Hopefully there's security camera footage of this. I'm not trying to ruin this kid's life, but my daughter's safety needs to be paramount and messaging has to be clear enough to discourage this kid and potential others to not do this.

Anyhow, my ex wife is a little more aggressive. She wants to tar and feather this kid, and she takes exception to the fact that the kid denies it and that the dad believes him (she's "deeply concerned"). She is also very concerned and does not think it's appropriate that three men in an office are going to be discussing this situation (she can't be there tomorrow AM due to work). She expounded for a little while about voting rights and rape culture. She cried. My youngest is good friends with this kid's younger sister, and my youngest is no longer allowed to go to her friend's house. Etc. Knowing my ex wife, she'll keep escalating the rhetoric. There is no such thing as deescalation. Honestly I'm more concerned about being able to contain that tornado than whether the pervy 7th grader gets taken care of. I suspect the school will be pretty responsive given today's political climate.

It strikes me that maybe I'm not willing enough to track this kid down and wring his neck or whatever hick thing you're supposed to do. My daughter is pretty matter of fact about it all and isn't in any particular emotional distress, so my rage trigger hasn't really been pulled. I just want the best outcome that keeps my daughter safe and makes her feel validated and in control of her body.

HWMR (How Would Maggots React)?

**iceman** · 02-18-2019, 08:21 PM

It seems to me that you have it about right. And I bet you're right there are cameras around. Until it's proven I don't think you can go crazy and even then I dunno The important thing is for it to stop, punishment seems secondary to me.

**SumJongGuy** · 02-18-2019, 08:22 PM

If she can give pretty exact time and location coordinates, the school's security cameras may have captured it or at least show the kid in the immediate vicinity multiple times she felt it happen. Schools got cameras almost everywhere now. It's cheaper than the lawsuits that happen when they can't catch this shit.

**SumJongGuy** · 02-18-2019, 08:24 PM

If you wanna go rage all you need is a shotgun, a shovel, and an alibi. That's what I plan to tell my daughter's prom date, that I have all three of those things if needed..

**Mofro261** · 02-18-2019, 08:24 PM

Kid has a crush on your girl.

/thread.

**SumJongGuy** · 02-18-2019, 08:25 PM

Originally Posted by Mofro261

Kid has a crush on your girl.

/thread.

And her friends apparently.. That's probably something that needs to be brought to the dad's attention.. that at least one other girl also had this idiot assault her. It's more of a he said THEY sad, than a she said he said dilemma

**tbssux** · 02-18-2019, 08:26 PM

Contain the tornado is the correct answer.
It's cool that your daughter trusts you to report about it, trusts herself to report it in the first place. Since there's another girl also reporting, that helps the situation. It's not he said she said. The principal will hopefully take proper steps and won't say something like 'boys will be boys' and if the principal doesn't take proper stepsou have avenues to support your daughter (school district ombudsman, etc).

If the boys parents and the principal are responsive, hopefully ex wife doesn't lose her shit (if boys mom is responsive and not knee jerk protective, maybe she could talk to ex wife and let her know she takes this seriously...if ex wife is really drama that might be a bad idea tho)

KQ · 02-18-2019, 08:30 PM

Originally Posted by iceman

The important thing is for it to stop, punishment seems secondary to me.

^ This.

Seems to me the most important things are:

1. Empowering your daughter to stand up/speak up for herself and

2. Teaching each child that actions have consequences and that learning from mistakes is how we get through life.

7th grade boys are full of confusing hormones with poor impulse control. What is important for him (and your daughter is helping him with this) is to learn control and appropriate behavior before the possibility of facing real consequences that can impact his adult life along with teaching him humility/introspection to recognize/accept that what he did was wrong and apologize.

Does that make sense?

**Kenny Satch** · 02-18-2019, 08:32 PM

So sorry this happening to her. Glad she's do the right thing. Can't imagine the restrant you're displaying by staying calm. I wouldn't be able to contain myself.

Shame she didn't get a friend to clandestinly record the kid in the act. Then his Dad maybe would be the one to put him his place if he's a man of integrity.

I hope this never happens to her again. Good luck.

**liv2ski** · 02-18-2019, 08:36 PM

Martial Arts classes. This shit is just going to get worse as she ages.

**summit** · 02-18-2019, 08:38 PM

OP seems like reacting appropriately

Dumbass 7th grader needs to get corrected so that he stops doing this to your daughter and other girls AND so that he has a hope of learning this shit won't fly so that he can become a good member of society.

I imagine school policy will dictate just about everything once the report is made...

**Kinnikinnick** · 02-18-2019, 08:55 PM

Highly likely the boys dad is a POS.

Kids don’t often learn these behaviors themselves. They are being enabled if not outright role modeled by the Dad and Mom.

Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

**Rockette** · 02-18-2019, 08:58 PM

Originally Posted by Kinnikinnick

Highly likely the boys dad is a POS.

Kids don’t often learn these behaviors themselves. They are being enabled if not outright role modeled by the Dad and Mom.

Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

You're probably right on with this. I remember this guy I used to date in undergrad that would specifically go out to nightclubs just so he could grab random girl's asses as he walked by. His dad was a total piece of shit. Eastern euro trash who lived in the US for 30 years and didn't speak any English and blamed everyone else for his problems. At least the guy was cute & fun for a few weeks.

He got fat now per his pics on Facebook.

**Buster Highmen** · 02-18-2019, 09:00 PM

Can your daughter face off with the perp and confront him ?
It kind of sounds like she already did, but she should be clear with the guy first about the accusation.

Always better to confront the person with whom the problem exists first.
Sure, has to be some sort of "safe" environment for her, but it's a good exercise in managing these things,

**char_** · 02-18-2019, 09:04 PM

I have a two year old girl and this stuff pisses me off and terrifies me at the same time.

**Cono Este** · 02-18-2019, 09:09 PM

I’d handle it in private. A school investigation will yield nothing and potentially give your daughter a bad reputation.

Not to diminish your daughters claims, but Last yr a girl in my sons architecture class accused 6, out of 24 in the class of such a thing. Right during the kavanaugh disaster. My son was one of them. She gave no specifics, was a grade ahead, and my son denied ever even knowing who she was. She later retracted what she claimed against him and 3 others. Still, I made the principal put a letter in both his, and her file.

My ex was ready to sue.

Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

**I've seen black diamonds!** · 02-18-2019, 09:15 PM

Listen to your wife and KQ. Even though they don't seem to agree they're both right. You're dealing with adolescent hormones and poor impulse control AND deep structural inequalities. Tell your daughter this in whatever way works for you. A few other points:

1) Don't expect this (or any) dad to act impartially or in the interest of the greater good. We all have a deep instinct to defend our children, even when we shouldn't. You can't count on him to be a partner in this even if he is a great guy. You might get lucky but sure as hell don't expect it. I wouldn't want him in the room when I talk to the principal. You might ask for some time alone.

2) This problem may be more widespread at the school than you (or possibly your daughter) realize. Protecting her could get complicated. She may face retaliation for reporting this. She probably already knows you have her back to the bloody end. Do your best to show her that she has agency in this situation, without denying the fact that this won't be her last encounter with gender inequality. Let her know standing up to this bullshit is brave and that you're proud of her.

3) If the school doesn't address this issue (sexual harassment, not the specific events involving your daughter) with the entire student body, or at least the entire 7th grade, ask them why. I agree that individual punishment doesn't matter much, but the school should do more than tell one kid to stop grabbing asses. I disagree that district policy will dictate how the school responds, although they may make such a claim. Policy may dictate a range of punishments, but almost certainly says nothing about how to foster a community that is safe and welcoming. Work with your daughter to hold the school to a high standard. Encourage her to demand more than the minimum response, without focusing on making the boy out to be public enemy number one.

**tbssux** · 02-18-2019, 09:17 PM

Originally Posted by Cono Este

I’d handle it in private. A school investigation will yield nothing and potentially give your daughter a bad reputation.

Not to diminish your daughters claims, but Last yr a girl in my sons architecture class accused 6, out of 24 in the class of such a thing. Right during the kavanaugh disaster. My son was one of them. She gave no specifics, was a grade ahead, and my son denied ever even knowing who she was. She later retracted what she claimed against him and 3 others. Still, I made the principal put a letter in both his, and her file.

My ex was ready to sue.

Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

I'm sorry that this happened to your son (sounds like at a college level). That false accusation scenario apparently happens in 3 percent of reports. And it sucks that those false reports than affect the vast majority of actual reports. That girl who accused your son, that juss smollet guy...they do some damage to credibility but that are actually rare.

Do you really think it makes sense for a 7th grade situation to be handled 'privately'? What it the boy pursued retaliation? Do you really think it's best for the adults in the school to not know that some shit is going on?

**4matic** · 02-18-2019, 09:26 PM

Someone saw whoever did this. He probably bragged to his friends or was showing off for them. The principal can round them up. Maybe they have assembly. That would be good opportunity. Good luck. I remember when I was in 7th grade when miniskirts and fishnets were in style. I dropped a lot of pencils...

Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

**Cono Este** · 02-18-2019, 10:12 PM

Originally Posted by tbssux

I'm sorry that this happened to your son (sounds like at a college level). That false accusation scenario apparently happens in 3 percent of reports. And it sucks that those false reports than affect the vast majority of actual reports. That girl who accused your son, that juss smollet guy...they do some damage to credibility but that are actually rare.

Do you really think it makes sense for a 7th grade situation to be handled 'privately'? What it the boy pursued retaliation? Do you really think it's best for the adults in the school to not know that some shit is going on?

After I got my letter I told the principal this girl should be expelled for lying about even one of the boys. And she looked at me confused??? I then had to explain to the idiot how some of these boys may never see girls in the same light again. Double standards are a much higher %.

Again, I’d keep it private. Nothing can be proven. And In the one and million chance a kid is not telling the truth, could get you sued.

It happened down in texas somewhere. Boy got kicked out of school, lost a scholarship or something, life utterly ruined, then it turned out to be bogus.

Everyone is getting their ass sued off.

Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

**FLS** · 02-18-2019, 10:13 PM

You are nipping the next Trump or Kavanaugh in the bud.

Good luck with the the shit show when the "authorities" are involved.

Keep us posted.

**mtngirl79** · 02-18-2019, 10:23 PM

Originally Posted by Mofro261

Kid has a crush on your girl.

/thread.

I know you are joking but if things are going to change it has to stop being a joke.

**mtngirl79** · 02-18-2019, 10:32 PM

Originally Posted by Cono Este

After I got my letter I told the principal this girl should be expelled for lying about even one of the boys. And she looked at me confused??? I then had to explain to the idiot how some of these boys may never see girls in the same light again. Double standards are a much higher %.

Again, I’d keep it private. Nothing can be proven. And In the one and million chance a kid is not telling the truth, could get you sued.

It happened down in texas somewhere. Boy got kicked out of school, lost a scholarship or something, life utterly ruined, then it turned out to be bogus.

Everyone is getting their ass sued off.

Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

For years girls have been asked/told what they did to cause their sexual assault/harassment..

What were you wearing? Why were you at a bar? How much did you drink? Did he pay for dinner? Did you flirt with him? Who did you sleep with last night? Girl has a "reputation".. I dont need to go on...

In that light I will ask what did your son do to piss this woman off so bad to make false accusations about him?

He must have done something. This was a good girl. She must have had a reason...

See, women's lives have been being ruined for basically ever. And there is rarely restitution. Nobody goes to jail. We just learn to put it in a box and move forward...

Maybe your son could learn to do that, too.

**Chugachjed** · 02-18-2019, 10:49 PM

Hire a high school junior to put some fear in him.

**summit** · 02-18-2019, 10:49 PM

Originally Posted by mtngirl79

what did your son do to piss this woman off so bad to make false accusations about him?

He must have done something. This was a good girl. She must have had a reason...

See, women's lives have been being ruined for basically ever. And there is rarely restitution. Nobody goes to jail. We just learn to put it in a box and move forward...

Maybe your son could learn to do that, too.

What is your major malfunction? Didn't mommy and daddy show you enough attention when you were are child?