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  1. #1
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    Bitch About Your Ex Thread....

    So, I'm new to divorce and having an ex who has any kind of leverage over my life. It's a constant drain. Part of the mindfuck is not having meaningful validation re: whether she's being a crazy bitch or if I'm just being a whiney bitch. Part of the mindfuck is that there really isn't a good avenue for bitching about it since I'm really not trying to spread shit about my kids' mom in our small community.

    So here's the spot. Tell me I'm being a whiney bitch. Tell me your own stories. Here's a couple of mine.....

    Context: We're about 9 months into the separation. Against my lawyer's advice, I gave her as much as I could. In exchange for agreeing to spousal support, she didn't fight me on getting more than the minimum custody. It still isn't 50/50, which is what I wanted, but that's neither here nor there. Seeing my kids on a regular basis was NOT something I was willing to leave to chance, so here we are with me at about 40%. If my kids are with her 60% of the time, I'm not interested in her having to live in low income housing in a shitty apartment complex. My lawyer never really did get that one. So, I'm giving her a good chunk for child support (not my choice, granted), a very nice chunk of spousal support for the next several years (100% my own election), and I'm paying everything off, including her car (also 100% my own election). And she can have the house (spousal support designed so she can make the mortgage payment, and again....). I'm told it's stupid, but I don't really get that. It's where my kids live most of the time. A hint of appreciation from my ex would be lovely, but that's not why I'm doing it.... Flipside (that calls my logic into question) is I have to live in a kind of shitty house in a kind of shitty neighborhood. But whatever.... I'll dig out of it.

    So.... just this weekend:

    1. She signed my 11 year old up for a sports training camp thing. He's 11, so it's basically a structured play date that we pay for. It's $40. Whatever. All the dates are on her nights. I'm ambivalent; my kid has fun, but he's got approximately my own team sports potential, which is recreational at best. I didn't give it too much thought..... Until she texts me last night looking for $20. Why? Because he'll be at a disadvantage if he doesn't go and this is an extracurricular that we should split. I tell her bullshit. Figure the matter is settled. Nope. 16 hours of texting and calling before I give in and tell her I'll send her $20, because that kind of aggravation isn't worth it. 16 HOURS.

    2. I picked up my kids from daycare today. First thing out of their mouth is "mom showed us the map of the sex offenders who live close to your house." What the fuck? It's a neighborhood, and not the best one, but it's not fucking englewood. There are some pervs a few blocks this way and a couple more a few blocks that way. I'm a little bit at a loss re: the value of showing a 12, 11, and 7 year old a map of where registered sex offenders live. It's not like they're right next door. Who does that? I live here 100% so she can still live there and not in a remodeled orphanage, for fuck's sake....

    Anyhow, enough kvetching. This is tame stuff, writing it out. Crazier bitchier shit has happened, but this is about her baseline. It sucks.

    What do you have?
    focus.

  2. #2
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    I never had kids. (Makes sign of the cross, looks skyward)

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  3. #3
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    High road, kids mater, long play brother.

    If you ski in CO let me know, Share a beer

  4. #4
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    I had a vasectomy, and never had kids. Whenever my wife and I hear these kind of stories, we clink our glasses, and say, “Touch the scar...”

    Vibes, man.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Benny Profane View Post
    I never had kids. (Makes sign of the cross, looks skyward)

    Sent from my SM-G900V using TGR Forums mobile app
    I'll also show gratitude to the good Lord that there aren't any Benny profane jr.s running around out there and fucking up Colo.

  6. #6
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    Ex is continuing to treat you as a husband because you continue to support her. I get the kids like be there etc thing, did it myself.
    It will be this way until she doesn’t get supported by you but by another person (since she likely will never support herself). That is a whole nother mind fuck coming.


    Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums
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  7. #7
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    I was picking up take out after a few pints at the pub. A little dude kept running towards the door that lead to a busy street. I kept herding him away from the door until a parent, which I assumed was his parent, showed up and the kid ran back into the restaurant. An old timer waiting for a table said that he liked how I handled my kid. Told him it wasn’t mine. He asked who his parent was? Told the old timer I didn’t care as my food just showed up and the kid wasn’t tying to run into traffic at the moment.

    Point being, you seem to like your kids. That’s good. I wouldn’t worry about anything else except them. Especially not the bullshit crazy games. If it matters, I don’t have kids.

  8. #8
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    My nephew married a nightmare doorknob. You know - everyone gets a turn. So this slut gives him a beautiful daughter (yes DNA test it's his) and he got divorced. He fought her tooth and nail on everything she wanted. He wasted $35k
    I told him to stop spending money and make peace with her. My words "her happiness is your daughter's happiness" he took my advice and she has not fought him on any visitation rights. His daughter, my god-daughter is much better off.
    Even a nutcase like his ex could be reasoned with and today he has a functioning relationship with her to raise their daughter with little negativity towards each other. He never says a bad thing about his ex and in turn if his ex did say something, their daughter will remind her "daddy never says anything bad about you so stop saying bad things about him. That worked. The slut stopped

  9. #9
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    I can tell you that if you divorced because of a flaw in a person - either one of you. The harbinger of a knife in the back just never leaves. If you split because there was no bond, well that's a horse of another color.

    The fact that you put so much importance in your children's environment resulting in the beneficial monetary position you put your eX in is lost on her. She still sees you as a source of income. This will come to haunt you later down the line. Unless you raise very independent thinking children who crave to get the f out of the nest. Then, on the 3rd emancipation you can tell her to go F herself.

    Your children are young and most may see your generosity as a weakness, I don't. Your heart is in the right place. Try and will your way around the petty crabbing. Try to steer every conversation away from money (very hard). Don't contribute to her expanding budget. You tolerated 16hrs of bs and then coughed up 20$. You paid twice
    ​I am not in your hurry

  10. #10
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    divorce is messy, we all know or have lived through horror stories. like you said, just remember it is all about your kids and do the best you can. hopefully she meets someone else, but don't count on it as you gave her so much. If your kids are old enough, maybe share that fact with them and that's why you don't live in the best hood now, but that to will hopefully change down the road. Good luck

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gepeto View Post
    Try and will your way around the petty crabbing. Try to steer every conversation away from money (very hard). Don't contribute to her expanding budget. You tolerated 16hrs of bs and then coughed up 20$. You paid twice
    I forgot the best/worst part! I told her I wasn’t going to split every activity she paid for during her custody time and she said “fine, I’ll tell him that he can’t go because you aren’t willing to help.” Then: “he said he’ll just spend $20 of his own money.”

    !!
    focus.

  12. #12
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    I never understood the "I need additional money for xyz activity" . Bitch, didn't I already give you all my money for child support?!?

    I fear You made a mistake giving up so much without clear expectations and guidlines

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    get paid

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by My Pet Powder Goat View Post
    I never understood the "I need additional money for xyz activity" . Bitch, didn't I already give you all my money for child support?!?
    Seriously. One thing that I will never understand is how women can cheat on and leave their man, taking their children with the courts almost ALWAYS taking the woman's side, taking him for everything he's worth via child support/alimony/misc BS reasons, and yet if the guy who's now pretty much penniless now can't afford to spare anymore, he's somehow the bad guy when he can't cough up any extra? I've known too many guys with ex's to always be rolling in fancy, brand new cars (typically leased BMWs or luxury SUVs), always sporting expensive new purses or shoes, having plenty of expendable cash to go on lavish trips, fancy restaurants, and their daily Starbucks frappuccino habit, BUT then all of a sudden it's an emergency when the kid needs braces and he has to pay for 100% of those sorts of needs, plus food, plus clothes, plus school supplies. I remember my old roommate arguing with his ex on our front porch when she came pounding on the door demanding more money and he was like "WTF have you been doing with all that child support money I've been giving you?"

    The real kick in the pants is when they rush to move in the new boyfriend who won't take them to soccer practice or whatever, but when you can't take them (on mom's assigned days with the kids), it's "YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE! THE JUDGE IS GOING TO HEAR ABOUT THIS!!!" This has been what my brother-in-law's been dealing with lately. She cheated and left. Dude gave her the house, like half his income, most their belongings, and still continues to completely financially support his children, but she somehow still ends up with the kids for most the time, but she gets furious when he can't take them to their extracurriculars on her days, but her loser jobless boyfriend just plays XBox 24/7 won't take them either. Basically he's not only financially taking care of ex and kids, but the new BF too. He went from living in a really nice 3/2 suburban home to a single wide trailer home in a rougher area.

    Funny how when people complain about #MALEPRIVILEGE, they often neglect to mention the insane gender disparity within the family court system. Are you a raging alcoholic abusive crack whore? No problem! You still get the kids and can take your ex-husband to the cleaners cuz screw him, right?! I guess the one thing about OP taking care of his ex and children is that at least she won't have ANYTHING on him when it comes to the courts, so there's that. Still though, it sucks. There really is no winning in this situation unless you do what my old friend did. Guy was a successful software engineer, but after getting sick of his ex-wife continuing to screw him over, living in luxury while he lived in poverty, he finally had enough and joined the Marine Corps and was promptly shipped off to Iraq during the height of the war. Forewent the option of going in as a commissioned officer, and just enlisting as an E-1. She was PISSSSSED when his income went from like $100K+/year to like $15K. Hahaha. No judge was going to mess with a guy doing his time in a warzone, though. When he came back from his first tour, he told me he was honestly much happier being a combat Marine in a hellhole like Iraq than dealing with his butthole ex-wife. That's when you know that chick's a miserable sack of crap.

    I have some great stories about my own ex-wife who was pretty evil in a variety of ways, but thank GOD we never had children, or things would have turned out very, very differently for me.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by My Pet Powder Goat View Post
    I never understood the "I need additional money for xyz activity" . Bitch, didn't I already give you all my money for child support?!?
    Not that it helps, but know only one state (Colorado) passes through all the cash collected via child support to the family. Under federal law, states are allowed to keep that money to administer various programs.

    So the idea that you're giving $200 months and they're getting $200 a month rarely exists. Some states have a percentage pass through, but otherwise family have to apply for more traditional social welfare benefits.

    http://www.ncsl.org/research/human-s...d-support.aspx

  15. #15
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    My experience with the family court system was that they were (almost to a fault) going to grant 50/50. This is in Montana, granted a fairly liberal part of it.

    You're surprised that you act like an ATM for your ex and she treats you as such? You probably fucked up giving her extra (that's why you have a lawyer and they advised you as such).

    Begin making peace with the fact that this is your life until the kids are out of the house.

    My strategy was not talking to her. If she wanted to discuss something write me an email. That way I could compose my thoughts and I was able to not get sucked into her inane ramblings since she thought we were going to remain friends.

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mustonen View Post
    I forgot the best/worst part! I told her I wasn’t going to split every activity she paid for during her custody time and she said “fine, I’ll tell him that he can’t go because you aren’t willing to help.” Then: “he said he’ll just spend $20 of his own money.”

    !!
    Step carefully here, my friend. Several users have already talked about not enabling her thirst for more income, and with the post it seems like she'll do whatever she can to leverage the funds out of you- and that may mean manipulating/lying to the children to make you look bad.

    That is a tough issue to address, but I do think you've the ability within you. You care about helping raise your kids right, and even though it can take years for them to realize it, they will grow to love and appreciate you more in the long run.

  17. #17
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    Wow, could I go off here and I probably should, just to exorcise some demons. I'm on year 6 of, not divorced yet. But, there is a court mandated shared custody and financial support agreement (what a farce) in place.

    Not far from your approach OP. Stayed in the marital home for 2 extra years while the FEW moved out and slowly took every piece of worthwhile anything to her home. It was okay for those 2 years. She moved into a condo she bought with our cashed in whole life policies and what liquidity we had. (we each had POA for the other - as we both traveled a lot in the first 4 years and we constantly were stumbling over legal BS, mostly mine, that the poa simplified).

    In the same frame of mind as you M. Needing/wanting to make my son's environment as familiar and comfortable as humanly possible. After the initial shock of being robbed, I figure the inequities will get settled as we approach our first sit down with a mediator, after years of wrangling and multiple vetting of said mediator/attorney choice.

    The saving grace is that I have a remarkable relationship with my 16yo son. See him almost every day even with an hour plus (without traffic) commute in each direction and talk anywhere from 2 to 5+ times each and every day.

    SA - enlisting! wow - great exit strategy. I would have split this materialism hell hole (nj) years ago but, wouldn't be able stand the distance to the most important person in my life.

    I could go on infinitum. But, I have to go bust rocks to get out from under abject poverty.
    ​I am not in your hurry

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by concretejungle View Post
    My strategy was not talking to her. If she wanted to discuss something write me an email. That way I could compose my thoughts and I was able to not get sucked into her inane ramblings since she thought we were going to remain friends.
    This is a great strategy and the same one I use. I avoid talking to her at all costs, having a written record of correspondence helps avoid any miscommunications or twisted statements. For the kids sake, unless there is a serious issue I just let the little passive aggressive shit she pulls slide. The bonus to having an ex wife is not having to fight with them like you're still married.

  19. #19
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    Agreed with posters that say she still views you as a provider. But you also still view yourself in that role too.

    POSEW felt I owed her more than a fair financial split of assets, despite the revelation that she had had an ongoing affair with the guitar player in her band (who she publicly entered a relationship with immediately after informing me we were done).

    And on paper, looking at the above, anyone would say you'd be crazy to entertain any option other than a massive fuckyoudon'tcontactmehopeyoudieinagreasefire.

    But I still viewed her as family, and she still viewed me as the provider, and she had her cake and ate it too for awhile.

    Eventually I saw the light, and cut her out of my life, but it's a tricky world up in our minds when emotions and feelings and life norms are involved.

    All this to say: Of course take care of your kids. But beyond that any energy spent in her direction other than a (metaphorical) push away is a waste. You only have 2 directions to travel, forwards or backwards, and you need to go forwards or these things can absolutely consume you for years to come.

  20. #20
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    Sorry man, that sucks.

    Not sure where you're at but in CO I can tell you a couple of things about family law, here at least, and I'll bet in many other states as well:

    1. Principal is a luxury, its rarely worth it, costs lots of money and the aggrieved party is rarely validated. the judge never (almost never, except in the worst cases and it does not sound like y'all are even close to that) says "you were right."

    2. 60/40 is JOINT parenting time. Do not ever use or accept less for ANY FUCKING REASON. That way, when, er, if, she tries to pull the relocation or other parenting time modification bullshit, you have a great case. (Bitches of both genders who pull crazy bitchy shit very often attempt to modify parenting time or move far away, it is an observable pattern because it is an easily envisioned way of seizing more control).

    You could construe the sex offender thing as disparaging the other parent, not sure its worth it, speak with your lawyer and see point number 1. I've rarely (pretty much never) seen anyone get any traction out of complaining about the neighborhood of the other parent, FWIW.
    If we're gonna wear uniforms, we should all wear somethin' different!

  21. #21
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    Have you seen Divorce Corp? It used to be on Netflix, but has since been removed. Anyway, it just goes to prove that no matter who loses, the lawyers always win (along with the court system). To them, it's all about racking up as much money as possible.

    Be careful out there, OP. It's tricky to navigate the balance between doing the right thing, not getting screwed over, and not just handing over tens of thousands to attorneys just to lose anyway. Godspeed, man. Glad you're there for the kids since they're what matters. At the same time, the old lady just lost her sugar daddy, so don't let her treat you like one when she happens to roll up in her new Benz to pick up the kids, with her new boyfriend riding shotgun.



    A snippet from the film regarding child support:
    Last edited by AustinFromSA; 07-24-2018 at 11:07 AM.

  22. #22
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    My ex has been seeing a psychiatrist since this whole thing started, between once and twice/week. I commend her commitment to self improvement, but I'm a little bit suspicious of the echo chambers she creates for herself. Just found out last night that she's taking my kids to see her same psychiatrist, too. Once/week, is what I was led to understand. It feels like that's a conflict of interest, wherein the kids don't get the benefit of a neutral perspective. It also feels like the deck is getting stacked when it comes to a healthy relationship with my kids.
    focus.

  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mustonen View Post
    My ex has been seeing a psychiatrist since this whole thing started, between once and twice/week. I commend her commitment to self improvement, but I'm a little bit suspicious of the echo chambers she creates for herself. Just found out last night that she's taking my kids to see her same psychiatrist, too. Once/week, is what I was led to understand. It feels like that's a conflict of interest, wherein the kids don't get the benefit of a neutral perspective. It also feels like the deck is getting stacked when it comes to a healthy relationship with my kids.
    Ooh, that's some bad juju. I'm sure you can put the pieces together so I'll leave it at that.

    Quote Originally Posted by flowing alpy View Post
    i like the advice to join the marines, front line infantry.
    Lol. That wasn't my advice. Just something my friend did. He was in a very bad place mentally with the constant abuses from his ex. Despite him being a stand up guy and role model super dad, she took him to the cleaners, always pushing for more, and getting pretty much full custody on top of that...except when she wanted to go out and party, then she'd always dump their daughter off at his house. He was seriously depressed as she was living large like a Hilton heir, not having to work or anything, driving fancy cars, bringing new boyfriends by, all that noise. In the meanwhile, he was living in relative poverty despite his high income. She made one final push to extort even more money out of him, and that's when he was like "Screw this, I'm enlisting" and literally requested the most basic grunt position they'd give him. Now he had 3 squares a day, housing and all his basics were taken care of, and she couldn't take away those things from him. He ended serving a distinguished career and came out the other end a happy man with a gorgeous new woman who treated him well.

    Again, I don't know if I would advise anybody to go this route. Just always thought it was a great story since it was the perfect F U to the awful ex-wife. She was like "NO! You can't do that!!!" Judge was like "Thank you for your service." Hahahaha.

    Really is mind boggling how biased the court system is toward the mothers, though. You can be such a total lying, cheating, alcoholic, abusive, druggie POS and still get more custody, full child support, alimony, the works...if you're a woman that is.

  24. #24
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    my ex was not the sharpest knife in the drawer, not a very good wife

    but a pretty good ex-wife and mom, both the boys turned out successful

    everybody kept up their end of the deal with the very odd screw up

    just send some post dated checks every 4 months
    Lee Lau - xxx-er is the laziest Asian canuck I know

  25. #25
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    Early in my career I worked a breif stint for a smallish, basiscally sole practitioner CPA firm. I say smallish because while not a big practice he had a baller clientele; his older brother was a founding partner in a top five law firm in a very, very large city. I worked extensively on one cleint and after a while I figured out that cleint "george" had about 10-15 businesses going. insurance agency, strip malls, regional coatings business, rental centers, you-name-it. though sorta illiquid i would have put his net worth around $20m then, maybe $50ish today.

    I remarked one day what a good client george was for the firm, partner in a very southern redeck voice says "yah. bes thing I ever did for ole george. he came to me oncest. Said john, I'm thinkin bout gittin me ah DEEvorce. I tollum, i saiad george, it's true. you gotta lotta money. I aint shore you got enough for a DEEvorce. yep. bes thin I ever done for ole george."
    "Can't you see..."

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