saving someone from making a terrible marriage mistake

**Dexter Rutecki** · 01-02-2018, 08:18 PM

Purely hypothetical question, in no way related to any member of the Rutecki family...asking for a friend, I guess? (Was going to create an alias for this, but whatever.)

Let's say you are close to someone who basically has self-esteem issues and has a history of becoming unreasonably attached to any woman willing to give him the time of day. Enter former stripper/attempted lesbian/confirmed gold-digger with zero apparent redeeming qualities (hugely unattractive, zero personality, nothing going on personally/professionally in her life)...claws are dug in deep and marriage plans are likely in the works.

Anything to do? Big intervention scenario offer any chance of success? Or is that doomed to fail and will simply alienate him from everyone who actually has his best interests in mind?

I understand that people have to be left to their own desires and mistakes, but this just seems like the type of thing that will be a catastrophe, and despite what literally every other person sees (in the family and outside) he just can't see what she's actually about. I feel like something should be attempted to save him from himself, but am prepared to accept that it is useless to think about this in those terms.

**Iowagriz** · 01-02-2018, 08:26 PM

The first marriage for my college roommate was an impending disaster and many of us could see it. Sure enough it only lasted about two years. I never met his second wife, but she must have been about the same quality. She took him for a big financial ride and they might have lasted about 6 years.

Fast forward about 5 or 6 years from the last marriage, and we start doing ski trips together again. Several of us told him that we could see that first marriage ending before it started. He told us that no matter how much it would have hurt he really would have liked to known back then.

So use a variation of the story above (put yourself in my shoes) and tell your buddy what you are seeing and how he needs to be cautious.

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**Cono Este** · 01-02-2018, 09:41 PM

Tell him 50% of marriages fail, and that in any risk like that he better have a plan B. Get a pre-nup and if she can’t see the reason for both of them to have things laid out then she does not really trust him.

That or get him a hooker. Sounds like he needs one.

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**iceman** · 01-02-2018, 09:49 PM

It almost certainly won't work and you'll probably lose a friend - for a while, at least - but I say it's worth trying to help.

**skiballs** · 01-02-2018, 09:52 PM

Get her on vid fucking you, dex. That should make him rethink things.

**Dexter Rutecki** · 01-02-2018, 09:58 PM

Originally Posted by iceman

It almost certainly won't work and you'll probably lose a friend - for a while, at least - but I say it's worth trying to help.

Yeah, that's kind of my thought. Just wondering if there is any real chance of success and how to increase the odds (if possible).

Originally Posted by skiballs

Get her on vid fucking you, dex. That should make him rethink things.

Why do you hate me? It would almost definitely have to be her going at me, as I don't think I could make it work the other way around.

It's all just too awful to contemplate.

**Mazderati** · 01-02-2018, 10:02 PM

Find a way that doesn't put him on the defensive. Maybe easier said than done.

**Gepeto** · 01-02-2018, 10:10 PM

You use the word intervention - this is usually a collaborative effort. The more people involved the better, more convincing you can present reality.

At the very worst, he disowns you and you won't be party to the wonky ride with the cardboard quality biotch. She sounds insufferable.

**Benny Profane** · 01-02-2018, 10:20 PM

No redeeming qualities? I suspect there are a few. Maybe they're on video.

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**Dexter Rutecki** · 01-02-2018, 10:21 PM

Yeah, intervention would definitely include a number of people, all of whom he knows well and presumably respects in one way or another.

This is seriously depressing.

**Dexter Rutecki** · 01-02-2018, 10:23 PM

Originally Posted by Benny Profane

No redeeming qualities? I suspect there are a few. Maybe they're on video.

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Seriously, not to be too much of a sexist, objectifying male, but if she at least fit the stereotypical 'hot' stripper mold that would be something, but she is not in any ways easy on the eyes. A buddy of his put it this way: "She is at best a 3, and he should be with at least a 7."

Just making the point that there is no good explanation for the attachment, beyond his self-esteem issues and the fact that she paid attention to him guaranteeing that he'd be taken with her.

Oh yeah, worth mentioning that I believe he has financially taken care of her for a while now. He has some money and very good future earning potential. I believe she briefly had a job as a blackjack dealer or some shit like that in a crappy casino. Ugh.

**Benny Profane** · 01-02-2018, 10:25 PM

Originally Posted by Dexter Rutecki

Seriously, not to be too much of a sexist, objectifying male, but if she at least fit the stereotypical 'hot' stripper mold that would be something, but she is not in any ways easy on the eyes. A buddy of his put it this way: "She is at best a 3, and he should be with at least a 7."

Just making the point that there is no good explanation for the attachment, beyond his self-esteem issues and the fact that she paid attention to him guaranteeing that he'd be taken with her.

How about no gag reflex? Seriously.

**BobMc** · 01-02-2018, 10:28 PM

Been there done that with a friend of mine. Chick was the biggest waste of human flesh I think I've ever met. He married her, of course.

After the divorce he moved out here from Michigan, moved in with another buddy of mine that'd moved here from Michigan. The two of them started doing meth and things went downhill from there. Some people just make bad decisions, a lot.

**Dexter Rutecki** · 01-02-2018, 10:28 PM

Originally Posted by Benny Profane

How about no gag reflex? Seriously.

I don't want to know, won't ask. I don't even really want to know much about that with other dudes' good looking sig others.

There is nothing remotely appealing about any of this.

**Dexter Rutecki** · 01-02-2018, 10:29 PM

Originally Posted by BobMc

Been there done that with a friend of mine. Chick was the biggest waste of human flesh I think I've ever met. He married her, of course.

After the divorce he moved out here from Michigan, moved in with another buddy of mine that'd moved here from Michigan. The two of them started doing meth and things went downhill from there. Some people just make bad decisions, a lot.

Yeah, thanks for painting the encouraging picture...

**iceman** · 01-02-2018, 10:35 PM

Originally Posted by Dexter Rutecki

Yeah, thanks for painting the encouraging picture...

Yeah but a lot of the time it's true. You can't let that bother you though, just do your best.

**Dexter Rutecki** · 01-02-2018, 10:36 PM

Originally Posted by iceman

Yeah but a lot of the time it's true. You can't let that bother you though, just do your best.

No, I know. I was kidding, mostly about the becoming a meth-head in Utah thing (I assume that isn't how I should expect things to play out).

**iceman** · 01-02-2018, 10:38 PM

I would recommend asking him tons of questions and not lecturing him but instead getting him to wonder why the fuck he's doing this. And then maybe he'll realize he still has a choice.

edit: ha, yeah ending up as a meth-head in UT is probably not likely for this guy.

**Dexter Rutecki** · 01-02-2018, 10:39 PM

Originally Posted by flowing alpy

will this marriage in any way other than emotional effect you?

In this hypothetical situation the guy in question is a close family member...not sure if that clarifies it or not. There would certainly be changes in different family situations, and I suppose it could have other effects beyond the emotional. But it's not so much the effect on me (directly) that has me concerned.

**54-46** · 01-02-2018, 10:44 PM

Ask him questions about why he likes her, what are his hopes and if he has any concerns with this relationship. What you find out may present an avenue to get through to him.

**Dexter Rutecki** · 01-02-2018, 10:51 PM

Originally Posted by 54-46

Ask him questions about why he likes her, what are his hopes and if he has any concerns with this relationship. What you find out may present an avenue to get through to him.

Yeah, maybe. I did have a conversation with him around six months ago when I found out they were back together (she had left him for awhile to be a lesbian but kept hanging around and then officially returned). I spoke to him when I found out they were going back to MA to have a party for her brother--I hadn't realized the occasion was his release from South Middlesex Correctional Center after his meth-dealing sentence was up. I hadn't planned on it, but I pressed him about her and what he was thinking, and he became extremely defensive and refused to really discuss beyond 'I have my eyes wide open,' or something to that effect. I really thought (hoped, I guess) it would fizzle out.

Originally Posted by flowing alpy

this is a tough pickle, dex. maybe she’s a great cook

He certainly hasn't gained any weight, but you're right, at least that would be something.

**54-46** · 01-02-2018, 11:00 PM

Originally Posted by Dexter Rutecki

Yeah, maybe. I did have a conversation with him around six months ago when I found out they were back together (she had left him for awhile to be a lesbian but kept hanging around and then officially returned). I spoke to him when I found out they were going back to MA to have a party for her brother--I hadn't realized the occasion was his release from South Middlesex Correctional Center after his meth-dealing sentence was up. I hadn't planned on it, but I pressed him about her and what he was thinking, and he became extremely defensive and refused to really discuss beyond 'I have my eyes wide open,' or something to that effect. I really thought (hoped, I guess) it would fizzle out.

He certainly hasn't gained any weight, but you're right, at least that would be something.

Last year we lost a buddy we’d been friends with for over 40 years to his drinking problem. We didn’t intervene soon or well enough.

This one is tough - risk a friend to save him. But, like stated above, sounds like he may make a number of crummy choices...

SB · 01-02-2018, 11:24 PM

You can only help those who are willing to be helped.

Plan A

Tell yer buddy to fucking run away now.

**wicked_sick** · 01-02-2018, 11:27 PM

Speak up at the wedding?

**Bobcat Sig** · 01-02-2018, 11:39 PM

Originally Posted by scottyb

You can only help those who are willing to be helped.

Plan A

Tell yer buddy to fucking run away now.

About the best advice given yet.

I've had several friends go through this. It's a no win situation. You confront him - in whatever manner - and you risk losing him as a friend. Or, you keep quiet, and still lose him as a friend as he goes on to marry a succubus and you never hear from him again. I've tried the confrontation, I've tried the intervention style and I've tried a group effort - none of them have worked. All of them jeopardized the friendship and damaged it irreparably.