saving someone from making a terrible marriage mistake

**Dexter Rutecki** · 01-06-2018, 07:46 AM

Originally Posted by that dude who did that thing

Was talking with my brother recently, we don't get opportunities to see each other all that often. He gave me some shit because after his recent divorce he was talking to one of his best friends who had relayed to him that the best friend and I spent some time at my bro's wedding talking about what a nutcase his wife is, and how the marriage was surely going to end badly. The marriage lasted longer than any of us expected it to, but did indeed end in bitterness, hostility, and exceedingly strained co-parenting. Bro pointed out that neither I nor his friend had told him how we felt BEFORE he got married. But after discussin the fact that my bro was an adult, making his own decisions, fully aware of the risks, etc., he actually agreed with me that aside from making clear that I didn't really think much of the woman (which I had), there was nothig else I could have done to prevent the next ten years of marital misery. Part of being respectful to your family and friends is respecting them enough to let them make their own decisions, including their own mistakes. It sounds like OP has already expressed himself regarding this woman, and his family member has heard him but is making his own decision. Your only "job" at that point is to support his decision to the extent you can, and to shut the hell up to the extent that you can't, and then to wait for him to ask for your help.

Obviously this is the counterargument to the intervention idea (or something like that), but here's the thing--I don't see this as a whole lot different from someone with a substance abuse problem. If someone close to you was becoming an alcoholic, or developing a problem with cocaine or heroin, would you say that my only job is to support that decision and otherwise shut the hell up?

Somehow, I don't think that would be the line. And I get that there are differences between the two scenarios, but the way I see it there are actually a lot more similarities (and arguably a drinking problem could be less bad than this situation).

**babybear** · 01-06-2018, 08:51 AM

Originally Posted by flowing alpy

would a gf tell her gf if the dude she was to marry was nuts?

Originally Posted by My Pet Powder Goat

In a heartbeat. . Girls tell their friends everything. If her friends don't like you, well, you're not going to be in that relationship for very long.

I beg to differ sir
I'm much nicer/ gentler to my girl friends about everything in general- whereas I'd feel more comfy saying directly to a guy friend, "fyi your GF's cray"
I wd have to feel out the situation and delivery. some people it won't matter what you say, so you might have to go an alternate albeit more challenging route of trying to get them out and meeting other people (since for many the only way to move on is to see that someone better has interest in you)

I don't mean to pry OP but is this really about you and Tina?

**Dexter Rutecki** · 01-06-2018, 09:13 AM

Originally Posted by b-bear

I don't mean to pry OP but is this really about you and Tina?

Bryce doesn't have a roommate.

(Well played, bbear--took me a few seconds; one time Gaffney made a comment about me being coked out and naked in Aspen and it literally took me a day to figure out what the hell he was talking about--I forget about the username, occassionally.)

SB · 01-08-2018, 08:52 AM

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you could try the pizza approach

now with crazy "bitch" breads

**frorider** · 01-08-2018, 03:45 PM

Mmmm pizza. What were we talking about again?

**Shadam** · 01-08-2018, 11:56 PM

Been down this road. Relationship strained for years. I ain't holding back! If buddies r thinking and saying it I will say it. We had a good guy stolen by a fat chick and then she found the church. So the family did. Dude worked 6 days a week and Sunday he had to get up early for the church. Church didn't want them .... Oh Fark we laughed. Didn't want her! She trapped him with kids. People hide from her in grocery stores or where ever it that bad. She's farked.
Buddy on wedding night said. Are u sure u want to do this? He says yes. Buddy says noooo. Are u sure u want to marry her? ... !!! And now he has no friends ... Coz no one wants anything to do with her.
Farked if I know wot happened with them as I haven't heard my be 10 years or so now.

**My Pet Powder Goat** · 01-09-2018, 12:29 AM

Originally Posted by b-bear

I beg to differ sir
I'm much nicer/ gentler to my girl friends about everything in general- whereas I'd feel more comfy saying directly to a guy friend, "fyi your GF's cray"
I wd have to feel out the situation and delivery. some people it won't matter what you say, so you might have to go an alternate albeit more challenging route of trying to get them out and meeting other people (since for many the only way to move on is to see that someone better has interest in you)

I don't mean to pry OP but is this really about you and Tina?

Duddette, you hang on tgr. For fun! Not sure we can lump you into the average makeup & handbags crowd ;-)

I've been lucky that most of my friends marry good people. Of course, the wife always reels them in some, that's marriage.

Historically, As the last "single guy" I realize that most of the wives viewed me with suspicion that I'm going to encourage their husbands to do crazy shit.

Hardly ever! :-p

**sharcsplean** · 01-09-2018, 05:55 AM

Can you double date with them? can you get a female friend to evaluate the situation? This could be one of the treads that drags on for years (or at least 6 months).

The pre-nup idea is the best so far.

A buddy of mine is going through this with his brother. The brother is in his early 30s, and on deck for marriage #2 (no kids). The brother is miserable, says everything is great and then tells you the exceptions to great. He is trying to talk to his brother, even get him to postpone, but no luck. We are starting a betting pool.

**Dexter Rutecki** · 01-09-2018, 07:42 AM

No double dating, but my wife has spent time with both of them and she (like everyone else) acknowledges that he is making a big mistake. In fact, one of the ideas is to have her and/or another more neutral party approach him with the concerns, since he might be less defensive with people like that (BTW, Mrs. Rutecki is hardly inclined to agree with me just for the sake of agreeing with me).

We kind of have a plan now, and we are certainly planning on pushing at least for a pre-nup if not a full reconsideration. I am really kicking myself for not at least trying to set him up with someone while she was lesbianing around--there was a good candidate I know who lives close to him and I just never acted on it.

I am looking at this as a bit of hail-mary play, and if it doesn't work then hope he comes to his senses before they actually get married, which I believe would be summer at the earliest.

Maybe the thing with the pizzas is the best idea. Fuck.

**Timberridge** · 01-09-2018, 08:49 AM

Will the happy couple be getting hitched at Magic?

Perhaps you can pull some strings and get a fake priest to officiate and then the thing won't be legal, and then if shit happens...

**powdrhound** · 01-09-2018, 09:57 AM

Originally Posted by Timberridge

Will the happy couple be getting hitched at Magic?

Perhaps you can pull some strings and get a fake priest to officiate and then the thing won't be legal, and then if shit happens...

Having an outhouse right next to the alter seems appropriate for this situation.

**Dexter Rutecki** · 01-09-2018, 10:07 AM

Originally Posted by Timberridge

Will the happy couple be getting hitched at Magic?

Perhaps you can pull some strings and get a fake priest to officiate and then the thing won't be legal, and then if shit happens...

OK, that's borderline brilliant. I assume you are volunteering to (fake) officiate?

Originally Posted by powdrhound

Having an outhouse right next to the alter seems appropriate for this situation.

That's a fucking lift shack, you dick. Now we know why it smells so bad...

But you're right, the ceremony (which may take place in random-trashytown, MA) should probably happen in an outhouse.

Maybe I'll just start a gofundme page right now for the inevitable future legal proceedings.

**Timberridge** · 01-09-2018, 10:43 AM

Originally Posted by Dexter Rutecki

OK, that's borderline brilliant. I assume you are volunteering to (fake) officiate?

I'm here if you need me Dex. Perhaps we get DW to convert one of the Rangerz into a mini pope-mobile and I will arrive in it to the sound of trumpets. If they are Jewish I will arrive on a donkey.

**TNKen** · 01-09-2018, 02:03 PM

You, of course, know why divorces are so expensive? They are worth it.

**babybear** · 01-09-2018, 10:20 PM

Originally Posted by Dexter Rutecki

Bryce doesn't have a roommate.

(Well played, bbear--took me a few seconds; one time Gaffney made a comment about me being coked out and naked in Aspen and it literally took me a day to figure out what the hell he was talking about--I forget about the username, occassionally.)

i’m glad you enjoyed it made me lol when I thot of it too

**Cono Este** · 01-11-2018, 04:53 AM

You have to be a really humble person to accept advice from others. And if your that wise then you wouldn’t need an intervention in the first place.

I know a guy who had a huge cocaine problem. He was getting six figures from a trust in college 25 yrs ago. We went for the drug intervention and his soon to be wife blocked us! She was an ex nfl cheer leader. Long story short, he has refused divorce for 7 yrs now and she is living in a 20mm pac heights mansion with a fire fighter. He is still doing coke but in a shitty apartment and no one hears from him anymore. Sad story.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. We are all guilty.

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**Benny Profane** · 01-11-2018, 08:45 AM

Originally Posted by Cono Este

You have to be a really humble person to accept advice from others. And if your that wise then you wouldn’t need an intervention in the first place.

I know a guy who had a huge cocaine problem. He was getting six figures from a trust in college 25 yrs ago. We went for the drug intervention and his soon to be wife blocked us! She was an ex nfl cheer leader. Long story short, he has refused divorce for 7 yrs now and she is living in a 20mm pac heights mansion with a fire fighter. He is still doing coke but in a shitty apartment and no one hears from him anymore. Sad story.

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. We are all guilty.

Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

Or, as my old roomate always said, fucking cocaine.

Worse than crazy bitches. But, put them together, oh man, just turn your head and think happy thoughts, it's not going to be pretty.

**Benny Profane** · 01-11-2018, 08:47 AM

Originally Posted by Timberridge

Jesus, that's so sad.

**skiing-in-jackson** · 01-17-2018, 10:09 AM

Two times I should have stood up at a wedding to say:

At the first, "you and any children you have will be hurt terribly by this flinandering SOB". I didn't say anything and it happened.

At the second, "this loser is going to come home blind drunk and beat the shit outta you one night." I didn't say anything and it happened.

I don't go weddings anymore.

**skiing-in-jackson** · 01-17-2018, 10:15 AM

Two times I should have stood up at a wedding to say:

At the first, "you and any children you have will be hurt terribly by this flinandering SOB". I didn't say anything and it happened.

At the second, "this loser is going to come home blind drunk and beat the shit outta you one night." I didn't say anything and it happened.

I don't go weddings anymore.

**Timberridge** · 01-17-2018, 10:17 AM

Originally Posted by skiing-in-jackson

Two times I should have stood up at a wedding to say:

At the first, "you and any children you have will be hurt terribly by this flinandering SOB". I didn't say anything and it happened.

At the second, "this loser is going to come home blind drunk and beat the shit outta you one night." I didn't say anything and it happened.

I don't go weddings anymore.

Now you tell us.

And its flynnandering, named such after Angus Flynn, an Irish politician who in 1686 was found to have set upon one of his house maidens.

**that dude who did that thing** · 01-17-2018, 10:18 AM

Originally Posted by Dexter Rutecki

Obviously this is the counterargument to the intervention idea (or something like that), but here's the thing--I don't see this as a whole lot different from someone with a substance abuse problem. If someone close to you was becoming an alcoholic, or developing a problem with cocaine or heroin, would you say that my only job is to support that decision and otherwise shut the hell up?

Somehow, I don't think that would be the line. And I get that there are differences between the two scenarios, but the way I see it there are actually a lot more similarities (and arguably a drinking problem could be less bad than this situation).

How well has it ever gone for you telling a friend that they are developing a drinking problem? I'm sure that it resulted in them immediately working the first six steps, right?

Well, you're an adult, you should make your own decisions about how to approach this, and decide for yourself which advice to follow. Let us know if you need any help.

**Timberridge** · 01-17-2018, 10:20 AM

^^That wasn't helpful at all Jimmy. Please rethink and edit that post.

**Dexter Rutecki** · 01-17-2018, 07:29 PM

Originally Posted by that dude who did that thing

How well has it ever gone for you telling a friend that they are developing a drinking problem? I'm sure that it resulted in them immediately working the first six steps, right?

Not sure I'm following your message, here. You have a buddy developing a drinking problem, and based on the post I responded to I guess you just let it go without comment? This is pretty unclear, but I'm not sure it would make much sense regardless.

Well, you're an adult, you should make your own decisions about how to approach this, and decide for yourself which advice to follow. Let us know if you need any help.

Thanks for the advice. Very helpful. Pretty sure that's exactly what I did here.