How to Make a Marriage Work.

[that dude who did that thing]

Edit: I'm editing this post NOT to avoid looking like the asshole I am, but to respect some strong commentary.

A lot of folkas have had bad experiences in marriage and divorce.
I don't know a damn thing about their circumstances, for the most part, but I ahve watched good friends and close family go through it was well. I have tried to do some things in my life, that I think have been successful in helping me have a marriage where both my wife and I have been happy enough to stay together and, I think, happier than a lot of other people. Your mileage may vary but this has worked for me.

1. Marry for the right reasons. I've seen friends and family get married because they seemed to think:
a. It was a way to get laid regularly, and they hadn't been getting laid regularly before then;
b. Their spouse would worship (love and worship are two different things IMO) them unconditionally, and they needed that to fill your own psychological holes;
c. So they'd have someone to fill the role of breadwinner, breeder, maid, nanny, chef, arm-candy or any role other than independently worthwhile human being;
d. That their spouse would not judge them or challenge them to be a better person than they were;
Those marriages did not end well, and I think that's on them. I spent a lot fo time trying to make sure I married someone because our personalities meshed well (which involves knowing something about your own personality) and that we had similar or at least compatible life goals, and making sure we actually valued each other as complete but still growing and changing human beings. That worked for me.

2. I try really hard to make that I always respect my partner. Even when I think she's being unreasonable.

3. I try to make sure I cut her a lot of slack. I'm a long fucking way from perfect. I'm annoying. I piss people off. At times I am arrogant, self-centered, selfish, petty, vindictive and a little bitch. Shit, sometimes I even smell bad. This means that whatever she does, I owe her some serious slack, and I need to make a serious effort to live with and even relish her imperfections and flaws.

4. I've spent serious time and effort to figure out what she needs, then deliver that. I'm not talking about new skis (although I also buy her new skis). What's it going to take for her to find some basic happiness, satisfaction, contentment? What would help her find inner peace, and become the person she wants to be? I try to figure that out, then do it.

5. Stop thinking I'm entitled. I'm not. At least not any more than anyone else is. And when I find myself thinking I am entitled, I push back hard on that.

Some marriages will fail despite doing all these things. I get that. And some people are just toxic no matter what you do. But if you find yourself married to such a person, I think you almost certainly failed at step 1.


Lots of folks claim they want a "good marriage." But they either won't put the work in. Or their definition of "good marriage" is fucked up to begin with. The above is a big part of what I've done to try to help build what I consider a good marriage.

[AK47bp]

Shut up

[PB]

Too many fucking words.

[NW_SKIER]

Anybody else wishing that it was time for Pio to run in another election?

[fatnslow]

How do you type so many words on a phone upside down in a ditch ?

[that dude who did that thing]

Angry bros. What a shocker.

[Mazderati]

Smells like cold cuts.

[AK47bp]

"The dude who did that thing" ???

What was the "thing's" name? I hope you treated him with respect.

[Buster Highmen]

I doubt anyone really disagrees with the common sense masquerading as "wisdom" you so readily dispense.
It's your own, overwhelming sense of entitlement to do so that some find nauseating, not angering.

Others: please don't feed the troll.

[BmillsSkier]

I’m going to dedicate my lunch time to unpacking this screed Jimmy. I bet there’s some real good blanket advice in there.

For good measure I’ll run it by the wife too and get her comments.

Hold tight.

[DBdude]

Today, 12:23 PM
that dude who did that thing
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[that dude who did that thing]

I wouldn't post it if it didn't seem that so many of the bros in here needed to read it. Seriously, the misogyny in this place is comical. The judgment on all fronts is comical.

I think what pisses you off, buster, is that you don't want to admit that half the people in this place NEED the common sense I'm dispensing. It causes cognitive dissonance because you think your bros should be more together than they actually are. Well, I actually agree: they should be. But they are not.

[PNWbrit]

Fucker is going on ignore really soon I think.

[AK47bp]

Hey thing fucker.

Are you married?

[that dude who did that thing]

I’m going to dedicate my lunch time to unpacking this screed Jimmy. I bet there’s some real good blanket advice in there.

For good measure I’ll run it by the wife too and get her comments.

Hold tight.

Lunch time? Fuck, from your posting habits alone we know that you spend half the day reading bullshit on the internet. Why would you wait till lunchtime?

[BmillsSkier]

Lunch time? Fuck, from your posting habits alone we know that you spend half the day reading bullshit on the internet. Why would you wait till lunchtime?

I’m a multi tasker James.

And I have an assistant.

[that dude who did that thing]

Hey thing fucker.

Are you married?

For 25 years. Made a shitload of mistakes over that period. I speak from experience of having already cleaned up my own messes.

[Meadow Skipper]

I wouldn't post it if it didn't seem that so many of the bros in here needed to read it. Seriously, the misogyny in this place is comical. The judgment on all fronts is comical.

I think what pisses you off, buster, is that you don't want to admit that half the people in this place NEED the common sense I'm dispensing. It causes cognitive dissonance because you think your bros should be more together than they actually are. Well, I actually agree: they should be. But they are not.

Holy shit.

sanc·ti·mo·ni·ous
ˌsaNG(k)təˈmōnēəs/Submit
adjective derogatory
making a show of being morally superior to other people.
"what happened to all the sanctimonious talk about putting his family first?"
synonyms: self-righteous, holier-than-thou, pious, pietistic, churchy, moralizing, preachy, smug, superior, priggish, hypocritical, insincere; informal goody-goody
"no one wants to hear your sanctimonious hot air"

Discuss.

[AK47bp]

For 25 years. Made a shitload of mistakes over that period. I speak from experience of having already cleaned up my own messes.

To a human woman?

[that dude who did that thing]

You're taking this personal aren't you?

Ask yourself why you are taking the statements of a stranger on the internet personally?

[frorider]

You're a long fucking way from perfect. You're annoying. You piss people off.

Snicker.

[mall walker]

I was with you completely until

I'm not talking about new skis.

but then it stopped making sense

[El Chupacabra]

To a human woman?

Appears to be.

[Buster Highmen]

The judgment on all fronts is comical.

Yes, yes it is.

I think what pisses you off, buster, is that you don't want to admit that half the people in this place NEED the common sense I'm dispensing. It causes cognitive dissonance because you think your bros should be more together than they actually are. Well, I actually agree: they should be. But they are not.

Oh my dear bozo, you misconstrue me.

First, I'm not pissed off, as much as you'd like to think I was.

Second, I accept that not only many people who post here are misogynist assholes or socially dysfunctional in so many ways.

Third, I am willing to hold back my judgement of others given my own flailings and failings. I do see many imperfections in the mirror.

Fourth, you would do so well to heed your own advice. But like so many narcissistic wrecks, you're unable see that.

Divorce is a painful experience from what I've seen on the outside of it. And it varies so wildly in it's sources, causes and effects, any generalizations are pretty shallow shots.

All I've got is some love and support for those going through it. So there's that.

Try that sometime.

[digitaldeaths mom]

I was married to Andrew's father for over 25 yrs, god rest his soul. I think what kept us together was a mutual fondness for the simple things in life, laughter, and the occasional martini . He had quite the sense of humor, something he passed on to Andrew. "Nubs," as we used to call him because he lost part of his pinkie finger in a boating accident, used to shake the kids' hands and then hold up his hand and say "Hey, I think you stole part of my finger!" The kids would then look at their hand to see if the finger was there and he'd give them a poke on the shoulder with his other hand, open it and say "I found it!"