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  1. #1
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    Jul 2005
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    I am drinking too much

    I drink at home alone.

    It's Saturday Morning I'm in bed starting up a new buzz for the day.

    Strange. My life really went sideways the past few years. And much of it was not my doing. Some shitty people went out their way to do some evil shit to me.

    The last 6 months things have gotten better. I have a very good job. I am making great money and am appreciated for doing good work.

    But?
    Is the past just still there, and I have to push it down with Alcohol. "Any other mind altering substances are off the table"

    "Not the end of Rant"
    Own your fail. ~Jer~

  2. #2
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    Sep 2001
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    Do something else. Alcohol kills a lot of people and dreams.
    I get the life going sideways part.
    People do shitty things.
    I've decided to be agnostic about intent or stupidity regarding the dumb shit people do.

    It's your life. Get on with it.

    The past is in past tents.
    Merde De Glace On the Freak When Ski
    >>>200 cm Black Bamboo Sidewalled DPS Lotus 120 : Best Skis Ever <<<

  3. #3
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    Jul 2005
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    I know,

    Maybe that's why I typed it. "I have to very careful about what I type"

    Next Thursday is my first dental appointment to start restoring my smile. A first step in resorting some of my self esteem?

    Example,
    A few days ago the job needed some of us to go to the customer sites for political reasons.
    They need someone to go to SANDY UTAH!!
    I did not volunteer. Because of my appearance.
    Knowing me and my love of LCC think about how fucked up that is.
    Own your fail. ~Jer~

  4. #4
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    Can you get help to face those past experiences, and the associated feelings so you can put them behind you, so you don't need to numb yourself from them?

  5. #5
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    Start crushing something. At the gym, behind a code editor, at the keyboard. Focus on doing outside yourself.
    Merde De Glace On the Freak When Ski
    >>>200 cm Black Bamboo Sidewalled DPS Lotus 120 : Best Skis Ever <<<

  6. #6
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    Have you tried taking to someone who specializes in alcohol dependency?

  7. #7
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    Feb 2010
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    Step 1: check. Maybe tell us about what kind of drinker you are. I have zero dependency, but when I have one beer it's just go time. Then sometimes after a night of drinking a beer for breakfast sounds like the best thing in the world just not to feel like shit, then on it goes until I just put up with a shitty day. Those days are mostly behind me, but I'm just pointing out that it's not always an alcohol dependency thing, sometimes it's just a life goes pear shaped thing. I agree with you that keeping up your appearances will help. Take a shower every day, get dressed, no matter what. Hell, make your bed. Little things. Recently I picked up a new roommate and I am motivated to not have someone see that part of my life. Maybe try that. It's like a good spin on self shame.
    "One season per year, the gods open the skies, and releases a white, fluffy, pillow on top of the most forbidding mountain landscapes, allowing people to travel over them with ease and relative abandonment of concern for safety. It's incredible."

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by guroo270 View Post
    Step 1: check. Maybe tell us about what kind of drinker you are. I have zero dependency, but when I have one beer it's just go time. Then sometimes after a night of drinking a beer for breakfast sounds like the best thing in the world just not to feel like shit, then on it goes until I just put up with a shitty day. Those days are mostly behind me, but I'm just pointing out that it's not always an alcohol dependency thing, sometimes it's just a life goes pear shaped thing. I agree with you that keeping up your appearances will help. Take a shower every day, get dressed, no matter what. Hell, make your bed. Little things. Recently I picked up a new roommate and I am motivated to not have someone see that part of my life. Maybe try that. It's like a good spin on self shame.
    I agree with that.

    respecting your appearance and your surroundings is a reflection of everything.

    And right now, my appearance and my surroundings are not things I am proud of.

    Honestly for some time I have not cared. "I tell myself that"

    But really I care too much.

    Some day I will share my story. Some here already know.

    that in itself is creepy and more than most can handle.
    Own your fail. ~Jer~

  9. #9
    Join Date
    May 2006
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    Quote Originally Posted by MTT View Post
    And right now, my appearance and my surroundings are not things I am proud of.
    .
    Pat yourself on the back because your first step is fixing your shit has been realized: you know you have a problem.

    All the challenges you have and the ugly feeling of the lack of self-worth is fucking fast tracked when you are a slave to dependency. Drinking, then drinking more in the morning because you feel like shit? Yep, physical dependence - shit, full on dependence. Guess what? It just feeds itself - I feel bad, I feel bad because I'm drinking and can't control it - drinks to fix feeling - repeat over and over.

    You should probably talk to a pro but in that absence:

    Accept and recongize you have a problem
    Commit yourself to improving because you want to
    Suck up the terrible month of withdrawl, loss of habit - but know every day you are making progress and get this - going to feel so much fucking better that you eventually won't miss this shit
    Remind yourself of the progress, be gentle with yourself but committed
    Don't try to walk the tight rope - drinking on occassion or special times - alcohol dependency is sneaky and your additiction is working out getting ready for that weak moment(s)
    Besides, committing to it is far less burdensome and freaking relief once you finally say and truely commit "I'm done. that's it".
    In time you will see that being present, feeling good is so positive and preferrable - that you will not want to drink because that will only lead to the cycle that made you feel terrible in the first place - remind yourself of this
    While other activities can help keep you centered and even distracted to some extent, don't put your self-worth into something external - *YOU* are the fucking prize here, you as a person, as a positive being with a life to lead and positivity and benefit to be shared with others. Your potential, your life - it matters and it is important - you get to control that and be the main mission objective - own it

    You can do this.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
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    MTT

    You are a longtime mag with good contributions here. Everyone has their demons. Its easy to say and hard to do, but you are in a position to pick yourself up by your damn bootsraps and start doing something about it. I have a few buddies like this who have falling outs with their friends group or girlfriend and fall into these traps the same.

    The best thing i have seen to keep people on the right track is get into hobbies or sports that keep you busy and excited on the weekend. The time commitment + money commitment keeps a lot of these people out of trouble. I know dirt biking has done this for me to not wake up on my weekends and immediately start drinking.

    You got this. The hardest part for most is self realization, and you are already there. Time to take steps to better yourself.

  11. #11
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    Apr 2006
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    Move the U.K. and your grill will look good by comparison?

    Alternatively, go see a shrink and go skiing. Paging Dr Gaffney? Winter is back this week!

    Acknowledgment is half the battle.

  12. #12
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    My best friend had life changes similar to yours and she too turned to alcohol, now she's dead. Drank herself to death. It was really ugly in the end. She developed alcoholic neuropathy and could barely walk. Bruised from head to toe from falling all the time. Bloated. Jaundice. A sad ugly end to a beautiful woman and totally preventable if she had just put down the bottle and accepted the love and support of her friends and family.

    Alcohol when your down is not your friend. You must stop now. Remove yourself from situations that you associate with drinking and if necessary people too. Learn to identify triggers, recognize them and again, remove yourself from those situations. Seek help/guidance/support, you will need it - there is a lot of people out there who can and will help you through this journey. Do this for yourself. You won't regret it. Best of luck to you and keep us updated on how it's going.

  13. #13
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    OP. I basically almost killed myself from drinking and doing some drugs. Mostly drinking. I have been clean and sober for 6 years. PM if you want to talk to someone who has been there, done that, made it back onto the path.

  14. #14
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    Thanks everyone.

    I have many of the pieces in place to have a very nice rewarding and comfortable life.

    Its a nice day. But dam I enjoy laying here watching the tube and napping
    Own your fail. ~Jer~

  15. #15
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    Hey MTT, you are a good guy and fun to ski with and hang with. Sure we have different political beliefs, but that is just shit to have a friendly argument about, no hard feelings. Some good advice so far, and a good start.

    Definitely take a break form alcohol. It is a depressant, and the last thing you need. Self esteem is just that, not your outward appearance, but your inward appearance. Try not to get too hung up about it, but don't totally ignore it either. You are a good looking guy (not that I am into that sort of thing), a hell of a lot better looking then I am at any rate, so don't be hard on yourself. Nothing wrong with getting some dental work done, but don't obsess on it, it doesn't matter all that much. Do little things, get a new hair cut, buy some new clothes, hit the gym, go for a run, ski, tour, what ever.

    Start to distance yourself from the problem people in your past, focus of family and friends that lift you up, not tear you down.

    If you are asking if you are drinking too much, you probably are, at least for this point in your life. I sure as hell having nothing against it, and do a bit myself (god some of those Mammoth minis were fun), but sometimes it is best just to take a break for a while and try to focus on things that build you up.

    Cheers and good luck.

    Watch the mammoth thread, talk of the next mini is beginning...good times

    I agree it is a constitutional right for Americans to be assholes...its just too bad that so many take the opportunity...
    iscariot

  16. #16
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    Sep 2006
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    Congrats Phish, happy for you.

    MTT, there are lots of resources to help. AA has a religious component, but they have been downplaying it more and more over the years if that is scaring you away. I've helped a few people quit drinking and have had a few failures. Some people want to help people just through compassion, but some additionally get benefit to their own struggles. It's kind of like how a teacher learns via teaching the students.

    Can't over emphasize how much strength you could get from a local group who shares your plight. There are groups other than AA, they are just the biggest. Not that it is wrong in any way to reach out online for help, it is a great start. But sitting beside someone who has gone through this is immeasurable.
    They could not care less what you are wearing or what's wrong with your dental work etc.
    To stop the negative spiral and do just one positive thing every day turns the tide.

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rideski View Post
    To stop the negative spiral and do just one positive thing every day turns the tide.
    Great words.

    Hang in there, MTT, and heed the advice in this thread.
    "fuck off you asshat gaper shit for brains fucktard wanker." - Jesus Christ
    "She was tossing her bean salad with the vigor of a Drunken Pop princess so I walked out of the corner and said.... "need a hand?"" - Odin
    "everybody's got their hooks into you, fuck em....forge on motherfuckers, drag all those bitches across the goal line with you." - (not so) ill-advised strategy

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Danno View Post
    Great words.

    Hang in there, MTT, and heed the advice in this thread.
    This. We're pulling for you, MTT
    Quote Originally Posted by powder11 View Post
    if you have to resort to taking advice from the nitwits on this forum, then you're doomed.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by MTT View Post
    Thanks everyone.

    I have many of the pieces in place to have a very nice rewarding and comfortable life.

    Its a nice day. But dam I enjoy laying here watching the tube and napping
    And that's still ok man. To be honest I'm sitting here with my first sip of vodka in a few months right now, partially inspired by this thread. If not doing it consumes you and you need to fill the void with Jeebus or other you're doing something wrong too. Everything in moderation.
    "One season per year, the gods open the skies, and releases a white, fluffy, pillow on top of the most forbidding mountain landscapes, allowing people to travel over them with ease and relative abandonment of concern for safety. It's incredible."

  20. #20
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    And the beat goes on.

    So after the original post early this morning I went back to sleep. woke up sober. took a nice hot bath. got dressed. Started doing some laundry and thinking about what I was going to do today.

    And then phone rang. I am working again. And looking at the E-Mail threads Goona be working all weekend.
    I already knew MONDAY was going to be balls to the wall.

    I guess I don't mind. But it's taking a toll. It would be nice to settle into a nice easy 50 hour week.

    ehh. Just gotta deal with it and not end each day with a fresh bottle of Jamison.

    I gotta find a balance in here somewhere. Procrastinating on full on engagement.
    I am just reading the E-Mails and answering questions when asked. But really I know it's not the responsible thing to do?

    Or is it really more responsible to get some "Me Time" So I am my usual 110% on Monday when they will really need me.
    Own your fail. ~Jer~

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by guroo270 View Post
    Everything in moderation.
    Including moderation. Sometimes you've gotta go big, ya know?

    Godspeed MTT. Time to start seeking out new patterns of behavior.
    Brandine: Now Cletus, if I catch you with pig lipstick on your collar one more time you ain't gonna be allowed to sleep in the barn no more!
    Cletus: Duly noted.

  22. #22
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    Good luck MTT, and if you find moderation is difficult or impossible just know that it's OK and that there are tons of people like you who have figured out alternatives.

    (fwiw, difficulty with moderation can also mean that you can stay stopped for weeks/months/even years but when you start again there is no off switch)

  23. #23
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    It sounds like boredom is a big source of your drinking. Or at least it is for me. Staying busy with work is a great way to get rid of the craving for getting a buzz on and overeating.
    No longer stuck.

    Quote Originally Posted by stuckathuntermtn View Post
    Just an uneducated guess.

  24. #24
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    Staying busy is key, but just don't over do work, it can burn you out. Don't let it consume you. While work is necessary and important it is not the end all or be all of existence. Balance is keep. A good hard work out , or a night of boot banging sex can keep you as focused as an 80 hour work week. Over working gets me stressed as hell, but we are all different.

    Most important, rely on your network, what ever that may be. Don't try and do it all alone even though that is what society tells us to do. Fuck that. Friends and relatives are the obvious support group, but the collective here is pretty fucking awesome, so use it if the needs arises?

    If all else fail, get out of Dodge for a few days.

    If you have the time and cash, there is a great deal for a BC hut trip on the main page. I am in the process of signing up. Show up and I will give you some shit for your politics, that will give you a reason to exist Not doubt you will give it right back.

    I agree it is a constitutional right for Americans to be assholes...its just too bad that so many take the opportunity...
    iscariot

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by MTT View Post
    Just gotta deal with it and not end each day with a fresh bottle of Jamison.
    A bottle of Jameson a day?! Yeah you should do every thing you can to stop now. That's gonna kill you quick.

    At first read it sounds like you have depression and you probably do but you're likely gonna need medical help with quitting a fifth a day habit. Alcohol withdrawal is nothing to fuck around with. You will probably need some benzos to get through the detox.

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