Any adoptive parents out there?

[BFD]

congratulations reading your post was uplifting. You and your wife should be proud.

[mcski]

Congrats on the addition to your fam. You chose wisely.

As prep mentioned tho, lawyer up real good. Meth heads are consistent only in unpredictability.

[RShea]

I have 2 cousins that were adopted, then 1 was born into the family. I do not think it scars the kid to know all along that they were given up and as 2 loving people you decided to make them one of your family and love them. Especially with the 5 year old soon to be older brother (old enough to know the situation - not all the birds and bees but that a new infant kid just appeared and did not pop out of your wife's abdomen). As for how to tell, it is just something that I do not think is good to hide and then drop all of a sudden when they reach a specific age.

[hutash]

Two of the three kids next door when I was a kid were adopted, and about my age. There was never a time I and they didn't know they were adopted, it was just how it was. Nobody every thought anything of it, it was just what it was. I was actually a little surprised to find out some kids were told they were adopted much later...just didn't seem normal to me.

[Danno]

Sometimes it's obvious, not something that can be hidden. If those kids can handle it, I bet the other kids can too.

[plugboots]

One of my best buddies (posts on here), is adopted, my mother-in-law is adopted and my daughter is adopted. They all knew they were adopted as far back as their memories go, and didn't think anything of it. I highly recommend answering all the questions honestly whenever they came up.

My daughter, (when she was about 3 1/2), was on my shoulders hiking to the Paint Pots in Yellowstone and she asked me "where does the boys penis go inside the girl?" (I explained as I hiked down the trail).

[BC13]

One of my best buddies (posts on here), is adopted, my mother-in-law is adopted and my daughter is adopted. They all knew they were adopted as far back as their memories go, and didn't think anything of it. I highly recommend answering all the questions honestly whenever they came up.

My daughter, (when she was about 3 1/2), was on my shoulders hiking to the Paint Pots in Yellowstone and she asked me "where does the boys penis go inside the girl?" (I explained as I hiked down the trail).

I strongly recommend this kind of openness with kids. If you tell them the truth they will just accept it without much of a hiccup. Trying to explain why you lied or failed to disclose the truth later on will likely prove much more difficult.

I was married and divorced prior to marrying my kids' mother. My wife and I had once discussed when I would tell my kids I was previously married. My plan was to tell then when they were around 12. Since I did not have any other kids I figured it was not a big deal, yet something they might want to know as my ex lives nearby.

One day when my twins were 5 we were in the car my daughter asked me "daddy, we're you married to anyone before mommy"? I was in disbelief as the question came out of the blue. I swallowed and said "yes, I was married once before I married mommy". My daughter followed up asking my first wife's name, whether I had kids with her, and why we divorced? Her next question was she if I would make her a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch when we got home. Her twin brother's only question was "how old was I when I married my ex".

Bottom line is that as long as kids feel loved and feel safe not much else matters. I would work the fact you chose your son into the narrative at an early age.

[KQ]

One of my all time favorite poems:

Lies

Lying to the young is wrong.
Proving to them that lies are true is wrong.
Telling them
that God’s in his heaven
and all’s well with the world
is wrong.
They know what you mean.
They are people too.
Tell them the difficulties
can’t be counted,
and let them see
not only
what will be
but see
with clarity
these present times.
Say obstacles exist they must encounter,
sorrow comes,
hardship happens.
The hell with it.
Who never knew
the price of happiness
will not be happy.
Forgive no error
you recognize,
it will repeat itself,
a hundredfold
and afterward
our pupils
will not forgive in us
what we forgave.


1952
Yevgeny Yevtushenko

[Marshall Tucker]

So two people have mentioned they'd been adopted... one wishes he'd been told sooner and the other is glad she can't remember a time when she didn't know she was.

Woooosh.

Edit: now make that others are glad

Just my $.02, which I beleive the OP was asking. But Hey. Whooosh. if it makes you feel all superior and shit. Roll eyes.

**

I know for both me and my kids, 18-22 was a pretty intense period getting ready for a career. I suppose before or after. I'd opt for after.

[alias_rice]

Way to step up, you just earned a lifetime of good karma. I have an infant car seat and a crib (disassembled though) you are more than welcome to borrow short or long-term if you'd like. We probably have some other miscellaneous baby stuff stashed away too.

Thanks Dan, that's a nice offer, but I think overall we are pretty good on stuff. One of the benefits of living in Utah is that Mormons have a shit load of kids and despite being a bit insane at times, they are very generous. We have been a bit blown away by coworkers, family and neighbors just giving us stuff. While we do just fine financially, bringing in a surprise baby puts a definite bite in the disposable income. So when a just about random stranger gives you piles of new baby clothes it's pretty cool. And so far no one has even tried to invite us to church. Which in Utah is surprising.

The more I talk to people and read peoples stories it just seems like there is no "right" time to sit them down and have the generic "I need to tell you something son..." talk. I think we will take the fully open approach, where they always know, but that it is no big deal.

Oh and people mentioning how screwed up "the system" is, it blew me away yesterday. Our attorney emails me and tells me I need to get a background check on myself, which kind of seems weird that I would pull my own. So I call the KY social worker to verify that they want me to get my own background check, and she said "yes, since you live out of state our system only can do KY". She tells me that I can just go online and find the cheapest place to get one and email her the report. In my case I don't have a record, but if I did it would take me about 15 minutes to make a fake report to send in. It's crazy when you think about how easy if would be scam it, but they seem more interested in checking a box than truly making sure we are fit. I guess that's what happens though when you have a system overloaded with more children than you can handle.

[irul&ublo]

So any potential for interference by the family of tweeker bf?

[lifelinksplit]

My girlfriend is adopted and has a son who she gave up in an open adoption. Her parents didn't tell her till she was in late teens. She ended up finding her birth mom and has a great relationship with her to thus day. However the whole process leading up to that point(and still now a little bit) caused some pretty big issues between her and her parents. They had some pretty big fears of her birth parents changing their mind etc and this was their reason for not telling her(among others). Her relationship with her son is the complete opposite and she sees him a few times every year(if not more) and the adopted parents have told him the truth since he can remember. He's getting to the age where he really understands what's going on and that brings along its own unique situations but I agree with everyone saying it's better to just tell them early.

However every situation is different and like others have said, you're doing a great thing for that kid. And with all the shitty people doing shitty things it's damn refreshing.

[zion zig zag]

Not an adoptive parent but an adoptee as was my brother (my parents had one natural child - my oldest brother). I cannot remember a time when I did not know that I was adopted. My parents talked openly and loving about how we came into their lives as newborns. No big whoop to me ever. Just a fact of my life like anything else.

I haven't read through the thread, but this^^^. They should know right away and like it's no big deal.

[alias_rice]

So any potential for interference by the family of tweeker bf?

Very small chance. He has already signed away all of his parental rights for 3 other kids and no one stepped up. He has a brother in jail, and a sister who is also a tweaker. Not sure where his parents are, but I am guessing not a good place. On the 24th we will become the permanent legal guardians and he will come home with us while the adoption finalizes. Our attorney thinks probably another 60 days beyond that. So technically someone could try to fight us over the next 2 months, but I would be shocked. Eastern KY is probably one of the most depressing places you could visit in this country. Before I was on board with this we actually were looking for a stable family member that could do it. The problem was that there were no stable people. The only couple that actually made an attempt at first, was my sil's ex-husband who wanted to have his 18 yo daughter raise the baby while he collected the $450 from the state as a foster parent. Once the court found out that he was sleeping with his wife's cousin, they had no working electricity and that his wife was under investigation for pulling a gun on their neighbor it was over for them. After the social worker told them to go to hell, they called my sil and told her they hoped she od'd on the money we gave her to "buy the baby", as though we gave her cash. They are just fuckin morons back there.

[2bjenny]

Congratulations!

I worked in a foster/adoption agency temporarily as a clerk and my job was to type up the notes from case visits. The agency specialized in trying to keep kids with family members that had stable situations. Some of the things I read while typing notes were so horrific, beyond anything I could have ever imagined. It was really difficult to not just sit there and cry, then get really angry and want to go find the assholes who hurt these kids and hurt them.

[crackboy]

Not adoption related, but we have a 5 year old and a almost 3 month old an the timing between them is great. He is super into having a little brother

[Gepeto]

It takes a special kind of person with an extra chamber in their heart to be an adoptive parent.

Some very good people in this thread

Kudos and strength to you

[RShea]

I know it is Hollywood/made for TV (but some of the stories are probably based on true cases), but the other night on Criminal Minds was an adopted kid story. He was adopted and raised by his real Grandma. Story basically was his adopted mother had an older daughter that ended up pregnant at 16 and her Mother adopted the kid and raised them as sister/brother. He went all crazy and killed his birth mother ( adopted sister) in the show as part of the "he was sexually attracted to his adopted sister and wanted to have sex with her" premise. So that adopted situation would be very touchy and finding that out in late teens or early 20's would really be crazy one.

[KQ]

I know it is Hollywood/made for TV (but some of the stories are probably based on true cases), but the other night on Criminal Minds was an adopted kid story. He was adopted and raised by his real Grandma. Story basically was his adopted mother had an older daughter that ended up pregnant at 16 and her Mother adopted the kid and raised them as sister/brother. He went all crazy and killed his birth mother ( adopted sister) in the show as part of the "he was sexually attracted to his adopted sister and wanted to have sex with her" premise. So that adopted situation would be very touchy and finding that out in late teens or early 20's would really be crazy one.

There is actually a real life story about that involving a family of 6 kids who were all adopted out - two of them dated not knowing they were siblings.

Paste this into Google - there are tons of stories:

"didn't know they were siblings and dated"

[RShea]

There is actually a real life story about that involving a family of 6 kids who were all adopted out - two of them dated not knowing they were siblings.

Paste this into Google - there are tons of stories:

"didn't know they were siblings and dated"

I am sure it has happened - especially back in the day of private adoptions, because having teen moms was pretty much forbidden in society.
The premise of this was the daughter knew of course and told him she could not have sex with him because she was his birth mother, he then killed her in a fit of rage....

Don't want to side track the great love and all that is being shown by alias-rice's act though.... Just made me think of one possible reason to be 100% honest or tell all to the adopted about birth parents...

[RootSkier]

I would insert an Oedipus joke in here but instead will just say congrats and good luck to the OP. As someone with an almost three year old and a nine month old, I can't imagine jumping in with no time to prep. Good for you guys.

[XXX-er]

might be easier jumping in with no time to prep

[plugboots]

Actually it's a fucking mind blower with no prep.

We adopted from China, and I was dragged into the kid thing, (that's the back story).

We fly to Hong Kong early, because we like to travel and whatever. It's an awesome town, and I had some work stuff to do, so we went to some awesome restaurants with locals. We went on boat rides, stayed in an awesome hotel, hiked... you know, had a honeymoon.
We fly to the center of China, check into a hotel and get situated. Very soon after, a knock comes on the door, and they hand a sleeping baby to my wife, and leave.

Kid wakes up starts screaming bloody murder, loudly. My wife freaks the hell out and hands the kid to me. I'm like WTF do I do with this hairless screamer????

It all worked out great in the end.

[XXX-er]

Actually it's a fucking mind blower with no prep.

We adopted from China, and I was dragged into the kid thing, (that's the back story).

We fly to Hong Kong early, because we like to travel and whatever. It's an awesome town, and I had some work stuff to do, so we went to some awesome restaurants with locals. We went on boat rides, stayed in an awesome hotel, hiked... you know, had a honeymoon.
We fly to the center of China, check into a hotel and get situated. Very soon after, a knock comes on the door, and they hand a sleeping baby to my wife, and leave.

Kid wakes up starts screaming bloody murder, loudly. My wife freaks the hell out and hands the kid to me. I'm like WTF do I do with this hairless screamer????

It all worked out great in the end.

yeah so what I hear you say is it really fucked up your lifestyle but I don't see how it would be any how would it have been any different if you were prepared ...the kid would have still woke up screaming ?

[hutash]

Very small chance. He has already signed away all of his parental rights for 3 other kids and no one stepped up. He has a brother in jail, and a sister who is also a tweaker. Not sure where his parents are, but I am guessing not a good place. On the 24th we will become the permanent legal guardians and he will come home with us while the adoption finalizes. Our attorney thinks probably another 60 days beyond that. So technically someone could try to fight us over the next 2 months, but I would be shocked. Eastern KY is probably one of the most depressing places you could visit in this country. Before I was on board with this we actually were looking for a stable family member that could do it. The problem was that there were no stable people. The only couple that actually made an attempt at first, was my sil's ex-husband who wanted to have his 18 yo daughter raise the baby while he collected the $450 from the state as a foster parent. Once the court found out that he was sleeping with his wife's cousin, they had no working electricity and that his wife was under investigation for pulling a gun on their neighbor it was over for them. After the social worker told them to go to hell, they called my sil and told her they hoped she od'd on the money we gave her to "buy the baby", as though we gave her cash. They are just fuckin morons back there.

That would make a great episode on "Justified", but is so fucken depressing to know its real. Glad this kid has a great shot at a real life, one he certainly would have in that family.