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  1. #1
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    Asperger's Question

    Long story short I gave a college student a ride to a swim meet over the weekend. I hadn't met him previously, but it was fairly clear from the get-go he has Asperger's. Anyway, he was about five minutes late when I picked him up. OK, no big deal. But then at the end of a long day he was the last person out of the locker room. I was probably waiting for about 15 minutes. I feel like it's common courtesy that if you're getting a ride from someone you should be ready to go on time.

    So the question is, do or should people with Asperger's get a free pass? If a "normal" person did this I would have called them out, but I kept my mouth shut in this case. I'm wondering if that's really the correct thing to do. I don't think having Asperger's should give someone a free pass to be a jerk.

  2. #2
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    Close friend has a son who has aspergers and we take it into account, but we don't cut him any slack. Sometimes people say does he have ADHD? and we say no he's O-D-D.
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  3. #3
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    One can't help but wonder how much effect saying something would've had on him. I mean, do you think saying something would encourage him to move faster and be more considerate the next time? If so, then go for it cuz he could probably use the kick in the ass. If not, then you'd just be saying something to make yourself feel better in which case it's a totally different calculus. He pretty high functioning? Those autism spectrum kids often perform repetitive behaviors that can be kind of time consuming but, in many cases, they don't really have a workaround for them so they just take longer to do stuff.
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  4. #4
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    I know a friend of mine, his son is autistic. They try to do as much "normal" things around him. From what he's told me they don't try to baby him cause, he'll have to get used to doing things kind of on his own, I guess they are trying to teach him how to be independent. A few of my special education teacher friends have been talking about that lately. I don't know where I heard it, I don't think it's called that anymore. I think they are at the low end of the autistic spectrum.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cruiser View Post
    One can't help but wonder how much effect saying something would've had on him. I mean, do you think saying something would encourage him to move faster and be more considerate the next time? If so, then go for it cuz he could probably use the kick in the ass. If not, then you'd just be saying something to make yourself feel better in which case it's a totally different calculus.
    Yes. The goal would be for him to realize it's not really cool to get a ride from someone and then make them wait for you. But there's always going to be a little bit of the second thing. I think that's just human nature.

    He pretty high functioning? Those autism spectrum kids often perform repetitive behaviors that can be kind of time consuming but, in many cases, they don't really have a workaround for them so they just take longer to do stuff.
    Presumably he is. He's living in a dorm at a university, so he can obviously live on his own. But, yeah, what you said about their time consuming behaviors is what I was thinking about. If I gave a ride to someone with a physical handicap I would expect them to take longer to get ready. But someone with a mental handicap is more of a grey area to me.

  6. #6
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    Well it is grey for sure. They can be overcome with anxiety's and get stuck in situations you and I cannot comprehend. But do bring it up in a learning point for him. He may have had a reason other than shit I spaced that you could help him work through.

  7. #7
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    As someone who is ASD and grew up with periodically debilitating symptoms, let me say the best thing that ever happened to me was learning that I had to take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings and learn to interact with the surrounding world on its terms. 25 years later, 99.99% of all people would never guess I was ASD. At least not until they asked about deleting an email....
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  8. #8
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    If you knew and anticipated a problem you might have chased him down to hustle up. I'd give him another chance but set the expectation next time.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by stfu&gbtw View Post
    99.99% of all people would never guess I was ASD. At least not until they asked about deleting an email....
    well, maybe....

  10. #10
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    Calling him out may not be appropriate, however, having a conversation regarding timeliness would be perfectly appropriate.
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  11. #11
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    I do not know about the Asperger's side of things, but probably would not be any harm in very calmly and politely stating to him that you expect him to be ready at the appointed time and not to make it a habit.

  12. #12
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    Didn't read all the replies (a little lazy today) so if this has been said consider this another vote for this approach:

    Perhaps ask him when he gets in the car if you had the time of pick up correct and if "yes" them ask him if you should come 15 mins later. Help him to figure it out without making him feel in the wrong.

  13. #13
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    What James said.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by KQ View Post
    Perhaps ask him when he gets in the car if you had the time of pick up correct and if "yes" them ask him if you should come 15 mins later. Help him to figure it out without making him feel in the wrong.
    It seems to me he'd need to feel in the wrong if there's any hope of affecting his future behavior.

  15. #15
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    7After James said Asperger's is hard to diagnose, I just stopped reading. Idiot. Why are there so many reported cases of it then?
    Anyway. I think there's a pretty big area between "calling him out" and saying nothing.
    "Could you try to be more timely when I give you a ride? Thanks"
    Idk what your relationship is with this person. If you're not very close, that's all you can do. Basically what KQ said. You can ask someone not to be late without being a dickhead about it. In fact, not being able to ask someone not to be late without being a dickhead about it can be a very Autism spectrum type trait.
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  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by stuckathuntermtn View Post
    Anyway. I think there's a pretty big area between "calling him out" and saying nothing.
    "Could you try to be more timely when I give you a ride? Thanks"
    Idk what your relationship is with this person. If you're not very close, that's all you can do.
    Essentially that's exactly what I meant by "calling him out."

    Not close. I hadn't met him prior to giving him a ride. I'm not exactly Mr. Social myself, but I will say it's a little strange being alone in a car with someone else who only answers the questions that you directly ask them.

  17. #17
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    "What time did you say you needed me? Ok, can you try to be a little more on time? Thanks"
    No longer stuck.

    Quote Originally Posted by stuckathuntermtn View Post
    Just an uneducated guess.

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by The AD View Post
    do or should people with Asperger's get a free pass?.
    I believe so.

    Maybe let him drive next time. You'll be able to park closer to the pool?

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  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by PNWbrit View Post
    Maybe let him drive next time.
    I think I might prefer hitchhiking.

  20. #20
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    Runs in my family. My brother was full on autistic. My nephew certainly appears to me to have Asperger's. The guy teaches college--comparative lit, his field is graphic novels ie comic books. When my mom died we were all talking to the rabbi about what he was going to say about her at the funeral. My nephew playing a game on his phone the whole time. I didn't call him out on that one. Interesting thing is that when you talk to him in person it's an easy call but his emails are very normal. And by all accounts he's a very good teacher--a defined role that he knows how to perform as opposed to a free form social interaction. I'm the same way I guess--I've never had trouble talking to my patients but I'm lost in a bar or at a party unless I have a guitar to play. At some point Asperger's merges into plain old geek.

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by old goat View Post
    --I've never had trouble talking to my patients but I'm lost in a bar or at a party unless I have a guitar to play. At some point Asperger's merges into plain old geek.
    Word.

  22. #22
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    The solution's easy. I used to have a close friend that was just like that. Don't know if it was Asperger's but this chick was definitely "off." Anyway, she'd be late getting ready by like half an hour every single time I'd pick her up to go somewhere. I'd give her a hard time whenever that happened, but it made zero difference. I finally started adjusting the time I told her I'd see her by half an hour, and THEN she was ready on time every time. Worked like a charm. So, want this guy to be ready at 6? Tell him you're leaving at 5:30. It's a great way for both to be a bit less frustrated.

  23. #23
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    Both my parents have a mild form of it.
    So as far as the being on time thing, my wife and I prepare ahead of time for it. For example, if our dinner reservation with them is at 6PM, we'll tell them it's at 5:45 knowing they will be late.
    Or if they're driving to visit us and they say they'll be here at 4PM, we know that really means 6PM. (or the reverse of this is if they need to be at our place at 6PM, we'll tell them to be here at 4).
    It's the best solution we have found.
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  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by old goat View Post
    --I've never had trouble talking to my patients but I'm lost in a bar or at a party unless I have a guitar to play. At some point Asperger's merges into plain old geek.
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  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by AustinFromSA View Post
    The solution's easy.
    That sounds good for when you want someone to be ready at a known time, but my problem was him taking forever to get ready at the conclusion of the meet. Kind of hard to adjust for that.

    In any event that bit is sort of a moot point. My question is whether I should have told him his behavior was somewhat douchy or not.

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