Tammy Wynette cannot be reached for help-Divorce advice

[Tuckerman]

Here's how things stand with me: next week I'll be signing some papers that effectively end my union with my wife. Money will be exchanged, houses will be bought, lives will be split, and nothing will ever be the same. Ever again.

I guess my problem is, boiled down to it's core, is that I'm not ready. I own my role in my marriage's demise. I wasn't the partner I promised to be. And despite my cheating soon to be ex wife's behavior, I undeniably, unexpectedly, still love her to pieces. I don't care about the money. I don't care about the houses, or cars, or anything else. I care about the hole in my heart. I care about our child. But mostly right now, that hole in my heart is what's killing me. Maybe it's the finality of everything. I've tried to distract myself by everything: drinking, smoking, exercising, dieting, sports... you name it. Nothing works.

So, against my better judgment I wrote my soon to be ex wife a letter. I've always felt better by putting my shit into words (angry text argument messages aside). I told her how much she meant to me, how much she always will, and how much I'm sorry for making her feel alone. I don't excuse her behavior, but I know she wouldn't be in her place today if not for my actions.

Does that make me a weak sap? Probably. But I know I woke up this morning wanting to hang myself just to escape the pain my heart is in. I couldn't ever do that to my son, or her for that matter. So I did what I've always done. I took a very long drive in the sports car and let my mind go blank. A few hours later with a clear head I sat down and poured my heart into the keyboard. The same one I wanted to smash to pieces while communicating with her the other night.

I doubt it will change anything, but I hope she knows where i stand, and how sorry I am that we're in this awful situation. Hopefully this temporary peace is lasting for me, and moreso, hopefully she knows just how much I valued what we had.

Anyway, thanks for listening TGR. I'll be out of this shit shortly. I won't be dating anytime soon, nor will I be leaving this mortal plain. I hope I can keep it going, cause I feel like I've developed a heart condition in the past two months from all this shit.

Thanks again mags.

Dang man I never felt this way about my ex. Kind of makes me wish I had held out for someone who I really liked/loved. Not sure I have ever felt that strongly about anyone, yet. Sounds like a shitty situation in your case sorry man.

[m76b74]

She showed up with the moving van today so we could split all of our personal property. Apparently my letter to her didn't take as well as I'd hoped for. She's more mad than ever and is using our son as leverage now that she has everything she wants financially and housewise.

Can't quite describe the emptiness that I feel right now. I'm staring at a garage full of half of my shit. Can't quite describe the emptiness that I feel right now. I'm staring at a garage full of half of my shit. She brought her cunt of the sister as enforcement. At the recommendation of HER attorney I hired an off-duty cop to supervise. Didn't stop the constant sniping or baiting comments I can only imagine how bad it would've been if he wasn't there. She made A point to tear up every single picture of us out of frames that we divided up. As much as it hurt me I didn't say a word. Feeling pretty low and gutted right now.

[MagnificentUnicorn]

She showed up with the moving van today so we could split all of our personal property. Apparently my letter to her didn't take as well as I'd hoped for. She's more mad than ever and is using our son as leverage now that she has everything she wants financially and housewise.

Can't quite describe the emptiness that I feel right now. I'm staring at a garage full of half of my shit. Can't quite describe the emptiness that I feel right now Corian I'm staring at a garage full of half of my shit. She brought her cunt of the sister as enforcement. At the recommendation of HER attorney I hired an off-duty cop to supervise. Didn't stop the constant sniping or baiting comments I can only imagine how bad it would've been if he wasn't there. She made A point to tear up every single picture of us out of frames that we divided up. As much as it hurt me I didn't say a word. Feeling pretty low and gutted right now.

I don't know if anyone has said this yet, stop being such a pussy. Now that you know your ex's true colors be happy that you'er rid of the cunt.

[m76b74]

It's an odd sense of relief. I'll give you that. I'm thinking more about my son right now than anything.

[frorider]

Shit man. She sounds like a real prize. Hang in there, it will get better.

[neck beard]

I don't know if anyone has said this yet, stop being such a pussy. Now that you know your ex's true colors be happy that you'er rid of the cunt.

Yep. Sure, it sucks a lot. But, feel empowered by that fact that this is such an obvious situation to deal with. Life is usually far more complex. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. She is making it black-and-white simple to forget her. The only thing holding you back is yourself: pity, ego, pride and anger. All bullshit. Live well, you are the man, starting tomorrow when you wake up, day 1....

[Meadow Skipper]

One of the gloomiest moments of my divorce was listening to the sound of the adding machine print out the culmination of our lives together - tap tap tap, ka-chunk, tap tap tap ka-chunk, tap tap tap ka-chunk - as everything I, and we I guess, had worked hard for over the years was valued, recorded and split.

But now, years later, life is so much better than it could ever have been had we not split. I hope it works out that way for you.

[mtngirl79]

How is she using the kid as leverage and what for if the divorce is final? I am assuming there is a custody agreement. She has to follow it. The shit splitting is final.

For once in my life I agree with Aaron Wright.

[m76b74]

Mtngrl, she is now "so upset that she's refusing any "additional" coparenting actions" that we had been enjoying. That means blocking my access to his daycare provider, seeing him in mutual situations like school, the doctors, or extracurricular activities like we have been. This is all of course in violation of the collaborative agreement that we signed on to. (As opposed to straight litigation). If she keeps on litigation is where we're heading and given this turn of events it's not in her favor. We're in the draft stages of a shared parenting plan and separation agreement.

yes, the property part is done. (And I did keep a few good things in the mix like some very rare bourbon) but it all means nothing unless it's about the boy. I wish she felt the same.

[MagnificentUnicorn]

How is she using the kid as leverage and what for if the divorce is final? I am assuming there is a custody agreement. She has to follow it. The shit splitting is final.

For once in my life I agree with Aaron Wright.

A custody agreement is a contract. She doesn't have to follow it. If she doesn't follow it the onus is on him to fix it. Usually it's not that easy. He would have to go to a lawyer and then probably mediation and if that didn't work he would finally go to court and see what the judge decides after the lawyers present the cases. It would be nice if both parties of a divorce followed the parenting plan and residential summary but it's usually not that simple.

My ex and I have been good at it. My gf's ex is horrible at it and she knows that for the most part it's too much expense and hassle to contest it when he doesn't follow the plan.

[mtngirl79]

Well, really, pull the plug.

There is no reason to discuss anything with her privately, its all legal lawyers and whoever else is involved in settling shit.

Seriously.

[MagnificentUnicorn]

Well, really, pull the plug.

There is no reason to discuss anything with her privately, its all legal lawyers and whoever else is involved in settling shit.

Seriously.

Usually the court will order exes to go to mediation before they will see a case in court, so he might have to sit with her and hash things out.

[mtngirl79]

Usually the court will order exes to go to mediation before they will see a case in court, so he might have to sit with her and hash things out.

but mediation is with a mediator and documented and stuff so she can't pull as much bullshit.

I just mean proper channels...

[My Pet Powder Goat]

He shouldn't have written that letter;. Puts the power into her hands if she knows he's taking it harder then she is. And showing remorse. I agree with Aaron, learn to forget her, and move on.

[wyeaster]

i am not a proponent of tough love. at some point, you have to crawl forward and you will. how fast may be up to you. i think writing the letter was great as long as nothing violated any legal agreements. writing is a great way to process anything, really, but especially grief. i suspect the letter will mean more to you moving forward than you will realize. the problem is that you had to do it for yourself, without regard to how she would respond. i know it's hard to write something like that without having some hope it will make a difference. but most of the time the letter does more for the writer in the next relationship than it does for saving the one that is ending. it can help you clarify things that will make you a better person/ partner /parent but also better at picking a relationship if some day that is what you want. you seem to be aware of the situation so hopefully it can help you step back and little by little have more distance, perspective and clarity. hurt, bitter and angry are natural and appropriate responses for a period. writing can help work through that period so congrats.

[MagnificentUnicorn]

When dealing with a vindictive ex, if there are children involved, it's best to just be the bigger person and let things go. Any fighting or retaliation will only fall back on the children. I know it's hard to put your pride aside but it really is the best way to get on with your life. Life is too short to be bitter and petty.

[wyeaster]

He shouldn't have written that letter;. Puts the power into her hands if she knows he's taking it harder then she is. And showing remorse. I agree with Aaron, learn to forget her, and move on.

it's over. being open and honest doesn't give anybody but the writer any power as long as he can approach it that way. being open and honest can be painful, but that doesn't mean it's the wrong path. i'm not saying it's always the right thing to do for everybody. sometimes, wounds are too deep and the additional exposure threatens survival. sometimes you have to survive. but in general, admitting mistakes is not a bad thing, and maybe even less so when it involves someone you spent a significant part of your life with. i believe in resolution when possible. sometimes it's not. or maybe it's not for another 20 years.

[MagnificentUnicorn]

it's over. being open and honest doesn't give anybody but the writer any power as long as he can approach it that way. being open and honest can be painful, but that doesn't mean it's the wrong path. i'm not saying it's always the right thing to do for everybody. sometimes, wounds are too deep and the additional exposure threatens survival. sometimes you have to survive. but in general, admitting mistakes is not a bad thing, and maybe even less so when it involves someone you spent a significant part of your life with. i believe in resolution when possible. sometimes it's not. or maybe it's not for another 20 years.

It's not over. It will be over when he moves on and stops pining after his selfish, cheating cunt of an ex wife. The letter shows how far it is from being over for him. He needs to stop drinking and clear his head, then putting his pride aside he needs to move on and focus on the rest of his life and doing what is really best for his kid.

[iceman]

Well maybe he wants to be a professional letter writer and he's just getting started on it.

[wyeaster]

maybe i missed it, but i didn't think there was any retaliation involved and i wasn't thinking about any drinking. my only point is that it's okay to acknowledge things, even personal failings after it's too late to matter. it allows people to move on. one could argue that when kids are involved it could be even more important. whether that is all that is happening in this case or whether now was the appropriate time, i'm obviously not qualified to say. in general, i support writing as therapy and communication and resolution when possible. i know vindictive people so i understand it isn't always possible. writing the letter and not sending it is also beneficial.

[m76b74]

Re: the letter, wyeaster gets it. Exactly what I was trying to accomplish, process, share, and use to move on. It was as much for me as it was for her.

[RShea]

I agree the letter may be a big part of your closure on the failed relationship, and how she is acting is just showing more of the true colors of her. Too bad the kid is being put in the middle of it (sounds mostly like from her actions). Be a bigger person and always try and put the kid first, even if it is requiring to swallow hard on some things. That being said if you are getting walked all over in matters and issues with the kid, do not be afraid to stand up to her and challenge the actions and the agreement - IF IT IS IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE KID!!

Vibes as it is easy to say the property is just "things" and you should try and move on. Each person has a different time table on how that is done, and how long it takes them. Just keep your priorities straight and look forward, not back on things you have no control over. And do not use the kid as a sounding board for how they view you as parents actions (both sides), they usually can see poison and what is good for them if not immediately eventually.

[TomCrac]

... writing the letter and not sending it is also beneficial.

This exactly.

[Caucasian Asian]

Sounds like things are about to get ugly. Stay civil and polite, document all correspondence, and record all conversations with her.
You never know when it might help to catch her in a lie.

[liv2ski]

When dealing with a vindictive ex, if there are children involved, it's best to just be the bigger person and let things go. Any fighting or retaliation will only fall back on the children. I know it's hard to put your pride aside but it really is the best way to get on with your life. Life is too short to be bitter and petty.

Great advise. Just do your best to be the bigger person and be happy that vindictive bitch is behind you. Man that lady sounds like a piece of work. I would be doing the happy dance I could move on to a loving and caring woman down the road.