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  1. #4501
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dantheman View Post
    That's horrible your kids had to find out that way. But, previously in this thread somebody said this (paraphrasing): Your soon-to-be ex dating before the divorce is final is great. The happier and more distracted she is the better because it makes her that much less likely to want to fuck you over. And if she does try to screw you, now you have ammo.

    Deep breaths, stay calm, stay rational.
    Yep, I'm not going to overreact. And yes, in an ugly divorce that behavior can absolutely carry consequences with certain judges depending on the collective context. Some of her friends called her out on her shit today and have my back, so that's nice at least.

  2. #4502
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    Quote Originally Posted by Meadow Skipper View Post
    ^ This. There’s nothing you can do about it TJ. Take the high road. Learn not to let it get to you.
    Quote Originally Posted by XXX-er View Post
    OR you could be smart and just move on

    which you will have to do anyway
    Quote Originally Posted by scrambledbacon View Post
    To add...
    Never talk shit about her to the kids
    Let them figure that out for themselves as they grow
    Quote Originally Posted by Skidog View Post
    Make sure legal counsel is aware of this news.

    Sent from my Pixel 2 using TGR Forums mobile app
    Quote Originally Posted by riser3 View Post
    And I'm guessing it's been going on longer than 2 weeks. That's too much of a coincidence.
    Quote Originally Posted by liv2ski View Post
    If age has taught me one lesson, it is you may not like it, but if you can't do anything about it (which you can't) forget about it and move on with your life. Once your kids are older, they will appreciate you a lot if you were a good dad, so do your best to be that guy and blow that woman's shit off.
    Quote Originally Posted by Dantheman View Post
    That's horrible your kids had to find out that way. But, previously in this thread somebody said this (paraphrasing): Your soon-to-be ex dating before the divorce is final is great. The happier and more distracted she is the better because it makes her that much less likely to want to fuck you over. And if she does try to screw you, now you have ammo.

    Deep breaths, stay calm, stay rational.
    All of this.

    That's really fucked up. I waited quite a while until I brought anyone around my kids. It's WAAAAY too soon for her to do that.

    But, most I would do is calmly let her know it's not cool and move on. My ex tried to get back at me all kinds of ways. It was really, really hard, but I always tried to take the high road. Everyone's better off that way- most especially, you.

  3. #4503
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    Quote Originally Posted by CascadeLuke View Post
    Dang don’t like seeing these things - feel for you TJ. Have little to add to the good reasonable advice above...
    Do have a question if you’re willing to share? Can you / do you look back and see signals when y’all first connected that make this ending seem inevitable (in hindsight).?
    Or had you just drifted apart as a couple?

    All the split talk above by others has me curious about it. Thanks
    Not at first... I mean, we were in college and then having fun in our 20's and things were so different - that was really a lifetime ago (I just turned 40 a few months ago, so the divorce is right on schedule apparently). But there were signs after we first had kids and especially the last few years that it could end up here. One of them being that no matter what she would cling to this idealized version of herself and could never admit reality... like ever being wrong about anything or heaven forbid sincerely apologize for something (plenty of "I'm sorry but here's why it's all your fault."). She would do something wrong and then the argument would be all about how I reacted to it instead of the thing she did. I used to joke that if she ever shot me we'd end up fighting about how I got blood on the carpet.

  4. #4504
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    You will be better off in the long run with out some one like that.

    Sounds a lot like what my ex turned into.
    watch out for snakes

  5. #4505
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    I know. I wish like hell I could just cut bait and walk away completely, but once you have kids....

    I’ve told many friends that getting married doesn’t mean shit, you’re really committed (or stuck) once you have a kid together.

  6. #4506
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    Tammy Wynette cannot be reached for help-Divorce advice

    Quote Originally Posted by TahoeJ View Post
    Yep, I'm not going to overreact. And yes, in an ugly divorce that behavior can absolutely carry consequences with certain judges depending on the collective context. Some of her friends called her out on her shit today and have my back, so that's nice at least.
    Wow man. That sucks.

    other men will treat her like shit and she will learn the hard way. I think you’re getting really lucky seeing her true colors now.

    I took my son out to buy his mother a Valentine’s Day Card last week. Today, my ex lets my kids decide to spend the weekend at her parents mansion, while she’s out of town, and doesn’t even tell me. She tells me “they are old enough to decide themselves”

    All you can do is stay in the up and up for your kids.

    I could literally pack it in today, move west, and call myself a hero after 12 yrs of this shit.


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  7. #4507
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    Quote Originally Posted by TahoeJ View Post
    Not at first... I mean, we were in college and then having fun in our 20's and things were so different - that was really a lifetime ago (I just turned 40 a few months ago, so the divorce is right on schedule apparently). But there were signs after we first had kids and especially the last few years that it could end up here. One of them being that no matter what she would cling to this idealized version of herself and could never admit reality... like ever being wrong about anything or heaven forbid sincerely apologize for something (plenty of "I'm sorry but here's why it's all your fault."). She would do something wrong and then the argument would be all about how I reacted to it instead of the thing she did. I used to joke that if she ever shot me we'd end up fighting about how I got blood on the carpet.
    Dude, you’re going to have so much fun dating in your 40’s. It’s amazing.

    My yoga girl is making me fish tacos tonight and we’re going to the dry Tortugas next week.

    Forget these ex’s.


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  8. #4508
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    Yep, you are at a great age to start over.

    Add 10 years and women will not even talk to you.

    Of course they will lie to you about their age to the same tune of 10 years. Check the drivers license first chance you get.
    watch out for snakes

  9. #4509
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    Quote Originally Posted by SB View Post
    Yep, you are at a great age to start over.

    Add 10 years and women will not even talk to you.

    Of course they will lie to you about their age to the same tune of 10 years. Check the drivers license first chance you get.
    I disagree. I’m 48, and if you are in shape, you can pull chics 10 yrs younger no problem.

    He will be in the 35-45 bracket forever. And that’s the best of days.


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  10. #4510
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    Thanks for sharing. I’m similar in age and got married nearly 3 years ago for the first time. Things are great and healthy - wish to keep them that way. Trying to absorb all I can..

    to a bounce back and new ladies (after all that time).

  11. #4511
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    I'm into the young ones at my age thats like 50 ... who's yer grand daddy
    Lee Lau - xxx-er is the laziest Asian canuck I know

  12. #4512
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    Quote Originally Posted by XXX-er View Post
    I'm into the young ones at my age thats like 50 ... who's yer grand daddy
    What I like most about younger women is their stories are shorter.
    And I guess that I just don't know

  13. #4513
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    Quote Originally Posted by CascadeLuke View Post
    Thanks for sharing. I’m similar in age and got married nearly 3 years ago for the first time. Things are great and healthy - wish to keep them that way. Trying to absorb all I can..

    to a bounce back and new ladies (after all that time).
    My best advice would be - if you ever have kids, still make your marriage a priority no matter what. Take that multi day vacation without them (in 11 years since my oldest was born we never got more than 2 consecutive nights away together). I certainly tried but there was always some reason why not. I understand that a mom's priority needs to shift and there's some serious biology at play, but she also pretty much checked out on me and many of my efforts were ignored / rebuffed. I basically became an employee.

  14. #4514
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    Quote Originally Posted by Meadow Skipper View Post
    What I like most about younger women is their stories are shorter.
    I feel like I read that somewhere before. Maybe from you. Whatever, it's a good line.

  15. #4515
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    Quote Originally Posted by iceman View Post
    I feel like I read that somewhere before. Maybe from you. Whatever, it's a good line.
    Yeah, and I stole it from Tom McGuane. Good memory.
    And I guess that I just don't know

  16. #4516
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    This is a horrible question to ask, but, is there a way to plan financially for a divorce? Say you get some rumblings that make your nervous. Say the wife makes a quarter of what you do, and you work two jobs because she pushes you to save for something(house, business, whatever). When ten years hits in California, it seems beneficial to be eyeballs deep in debt and working ten hours a week, to keep yourself from being Forced to work two jobs to be able to pay her for the rest of your life. Is there a resource for this kind of information?
    "Yo!! Brentley! Ya wanna get faded before work?"

  17. #4517
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    CA is a community property state so she gets half of anything acquired/saved (except inheritances that are not commingled) while you were married unless you have a cash business that she can't track by bank statement audits and you hide the money. Not a great idea to be the primary wage earner either, but even if your not making bank today, they can take you back to court in a few years when you are, especially if there are kids involved.
    Quote Originally Posted by leroy jenkins View Post
    I think you'd have an easier time understanding people if you remembered that 80% of them are fucking morons.
    That is why I like dogs, more than most people.

  18. #4518
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    Fake your own death. Move to Chile/Argentina.

  19. #4519
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    Quote Originally Posted by BS720 View Post
    This is a horrible question to ask, but, is there a way to plan financially for a divorce? Say you get some rumblings that make your nervous. Say the wife makes a quarter of what you do, and you work two jobs because she pushes you to save for something(house, business, whatever). When ten years hits in California, it seems beneficial to be eyeballs deep in debt and working ten hours a week, to keep yourself from being Forced to work two jobs to be able to pay her for the rest of your life. Is there a resource for this kind of information?
    Better call Saul? ;-)

    You could very slowly save up cash so long as you don't start taking irregular withdrawals that would be a red flag.

  20. #4520
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    ^ It's very hard to hide, I mean, when the shit hits the fan, all the financial cards witll be face up, beleive me, and what you've done will be plain for everyone to see. I'm not in a community property state and I wouldn't hesitate if I thought it was headed that way, but I think that would be bad, bad judgement in a community property state. probably a very good $300 spent to talk to an attorney about.

    I ain't gone lie. Middle passage, when we were 40-ish, with three kids say 7-12 or so, and you're bustin your ass draggin the suitcases into the rental in -10 degree weather up 2 flights of stairs in frisco, and she's turnin on the TV. not that it ever happened, you understand, just a fer instance. That's fuckin hard. When you're starin down a big ass mortage and an asshole boss and nonworking spouse would buy a $5 gallon of milk at the local drugstore with kroger right next door "to save time." Sweet jesus.

    But if you make it north of that, it gets pretty good again. You start remembering things like her slow smile, or how soft her hair is. and if you've been prudent, you now gotta few benjamins and that's nice too.

    you just wish you had knees.
    "Can't you see..."

  21. #4521
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    ^^ Yeah, I'm not recommending it. Not to mention any amount of cash I could have built up by doing that would be irrelevant in the grand scheme of our community property unless I had been doing it for like 10+ years. And even then... it's not like our home in Northern CA is cheap. Total waste of time with nonsense like that, plus unethical.

    Gotta make sure the juice is worth the squeeze.

  22. #4522
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    Quote Originally Posted by TahoeJ View Post
    in Northern CA
    Well. That's a beautiful place, that's for sure.
    "Can't you see..."

  23. #4523
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marshall Tucker View Post
    Well. That's a beautiful place, that's for sure.
    It'd be a lot more beautiful if it ever snowed again..... ugh.

  24. #4524
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    I should have been more clear. I'm a nurse, and I have friends, just for example, that have cleared $400k by having 10 days off in a year. It's the kind a thing you do when you're young, but they are doing dozens of 16hr shifts, basically killing themselves. Obviously, if I did that for the next four or five years, she'd be getting $200k yearly, plus I'd have to cover my bills. If I did a modest $130k a year and paid cash up front for an expensive grad school program PRIOR to any kind of divorce action, she'd be getting $65k, and she couldn't take back half the money on the degree. I was investing in our future, no?

    I had a friend that was an ED doc. Put his wife through crna school, she got a job making $200k and divorced him, wanting half his doc income. This whole divorce thing just sucks.

  25. #4525
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    Quote Originally Posted by liv2ski View Post
    Not a great idea to be the primary wage earner either, but even if your not making bank today, they can take you back to court in a few years when you are, especially if there are kids involved.
    Especially, not only? And wouldn’t that only really be for child support?
    focus.

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