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  1. #4526
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    the Low Sierra
    Posts
    12,212
    ACH is spot on. A year out Iím still struggling. Still very sad and lonely. But staying sober and positive means Iím doing ok.

  2. #4527
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    the gach
    Posts
    5,494
    Iím not a drinker. I might get back off the wagon for a few days. Probably not going to help but https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=47GhByvY7jA
    But Ellen kicks ass - if she had a beard it would be much more haggard. -Jer

  3. #4528
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    my own little world
    Posts
    2,401
    Two years out. Nothing is lonelier than being with somebody who is shitty and self centered and narcissistic.

    My kids are good. Itís still hard. I still have to deal with her being a terrible person. My stories about the shit she still frequently pulls or says are amazing.... but itís external now.

    Iím with somebody now who is a nice, good, rational person who gives a shit about other people. Itís amazing.

    It gets better. Knowing that it gets better is so key to the whole process. It gets better.

    https://youtu.be/L06ws41x2zc
    focus.

  4. #4529
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    1,596
    I don't know what I'm doing right now.

    Wife asked me to come over yesterday to help with the kids. Took them out in the morning and then spent the afternoon cleaning the play yard with the eldest. Wife bitched at me every chance. Convinced me it's all my fault. (most of it is). Then she kicked me out at 10:30 to stand in the rain while she berated me more. That lasted for ten minutes.

    Supposedly we are going to try and co-parent while living together, and dating other people. I'm not down with that. (She wants to do this until our babies are older and easier to take care of, so maybe a year and half)

    It doesn't help that she's still getting on me for irrelevant shit.

    Instincts are too leave. Now. I don't see it getting better and I'm not okay with seeing other people. Otoh, one night of not putting kids to bed was tough enough.

    I have a dream that it will all work out and we'll have a happy life ever after, but if I'm the only one working towards that I think the chances are slim.

    Lost and confused

  5. #4530
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    The Land of Subdued Excitement
    Posts
    5,482
    Plenty of people take care of three babies at a time... the little ones are 1ish and then a preschooler?

    50/50 custody. Half of your life revolves around the kids and then you get a break.

    If she cant figure out how to put 3 kids to bed herself, she has issues.

    She wants the best of both worlds. Tell her no.

    If she wants to fight or be disrespectful or yell, leave.

    Get attorney. Get own place. Stop giving in.

  6. #4531
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    Posts
    1,163
    Fuck man, thatís not a good place to be. Vibes
    Your instincts will lead you to a better place. Wish I had some experience to opine

  7. #4532
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Posts
    1,654
    that's a hard read, damn. calm down.

    sounds like shit is blowing up.

  8. #4533
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Posts
    10,903
    TSS, set boundaries for yourself, like not getting bitched out. Let her know those boundaries, stick with them. Be fair, and don’t let her roll over you.
    And I guess that I just don't know

  9. #4534
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    the gach
    Posts
    5,494
    Damn. Been there too. Thatís what we tried last time we almost split. Not the dating other people but living together in separate rooms. My wife sounds so much like yours itís spooky. Super controlling. Get out. She wants to live together so she can control you. Get out. Itís not your fault. Sheís gaslighting you. Itís not the victims fault for the abuse.
    But Ellen kicks ass - if she had a beard it would be much more haggard. -Jer

  10. #4535
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    Location
    here and there
    Posts
    14,889
    6 years on, it gets better.

    Pace yourself.

    Do not dance to her bell.

    Move forward.
    watch out for snakes

  11. #4536
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Seattle
    Posts
    6,277
    ^^^ Good stuff. It's possible it gets better sooner than that. It has for me.

    Start with some good professional counseling. If it can't be repaired perhaps it can end without awfulness.



    TSS, super sorry you're in the thick of that painful stuff. Feel free to reach out if you need an ear.
    Quote Originally Posted by Foggy_Goggles View Post
    If I lived in WA, Oft would be my realtor. Seriously.

  12. #4537
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
    Posts
    1,986
    Damn TSS, that sounds like pure hell. No advice from me except I canít possibly see how living together with her acting like that can possibly work. Vibes man.

  13. #4538
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    my own little world
    Posts
    2,401
    The end of my marriage was really similar to what you describe. She bounced from wanting to do teamwork to wanting me out. In the end, all the flexibility I agreed to to allow for teamwork and joint mission just became areas where she thought she could call all the shots.

    Since Iím not willing to drag the kids into the middle of the arguments, she usually wins. Itís rarely worth it, and life is easier when she thinks sheís winning.
    focus.

  14. #4539
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Location
    Vancouver, BC
    Posts
    860
    I've posted it before... counselling really helped my come up a strategy for dealing with my ex. 5 words for how I enter every interaction, I keep them written on a note in my wallet.
    Diplomatic, calm, respectful, polite but removed.
    I also told her that any communication should be done by text or email... one to have a record of the communications but more importantly, that way I have time to refer to my list before resonding.

    It all sucks, but does get better. I miss my kids when they're at their moms, but they're happy and well adjusted it seems. And for my week without them I pursue everything and anything I feel like, which is the biggest bonus to divorce IMHO.

  15. #4540
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Sonoma & Truckee
    Posts
    11,078
    Quote Originally Posted by Mustonen View Post
    Nothing is lonelier than being with somebody who is shitty and self centered and narcissistic.
    Finally convinced myself of this. Signed a lease for my own place a few days ago and moving out this week. We have to tell our three kids tomorrow, so that should be fun. Fuck.

  16. #4541
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Posts
    12,037
    Vibes. Good luck.
    Mister Man! Mister Man! Mister Man. They left this card.

  17. #4542
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    PRB
    Posts
    21,347
    Fuck, sorry mang.
    "fuck off you asshat gaper shit for brains fucktard wanker." - Jesus Christ
    "She was tossing her bean salad with the vigor of a Drunken Pop princess so I walked out of the corner and said.... "need a hand?"" - Odin

  18. #4543
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Posts
    10,903
    Aw shit, I’m sorry to hear that.
    And I guess that I just don't know

  19. #4544
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    slc
    Posts
    10,740
    Good luck, J.

  20. #4545
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    At the beach
    Posts
    11,907
    Damn J, I am really sorry to hear of the problems you guys are going through. Marriage is really tough and does take two people committed to each others happiness and who want to stay married (like for the kids). Being that none of us were properly prepared for this commitment, all I can suggest is what saved my marriage. It has likely been about 25 years since we did our weekend with Retrouvaille and while we can still annoy each other at times, at least now we know how to address issues as they come up. I get you're both pissed and hurt, but really, there is a good chance this will help Bigly.
    https://www.helpourmarriage.org
    Quote Originally Posted by leroy jenkins View Post
    I think you'd have an easier time understanding people if you remembered that 80% of them are fucking morons.
    That is why I like dogs, more than most people.

  21. #4546
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Seattle
    Posts
    6,277
    Vibes TJ. So sorry, but hope it turns to positive at some point. Recommend doing some reading on those disorders. Pretty enlightening and helpful. "No More Walking on Eggshells" is a good one. And her behavior won't likely change so you'll still need strategies and resolve for continued interaction.

    Remember too that telling the kids is only about them, not the two of you or your relationship. Hang in there.

    Quote Originally Posted by TahoeJ View Post
    Finally convinced myself of this. Signed a lease for my own place a few days ago and moving out this week. We have to tell our three kids tomorrow, so that should be fun. Fuck.
    Quote Originally Posted by Foggy_Goggles View Post
    If I lived in WA, Oft would be my realtor. Seriously.

  22. #4547
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Seattle
    Posts
    1,557
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GD8TKkwd6AE&feature=share

    A little lightness for a dark thread.

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