Tammy Wynette cannot be reached for help-Divorce advice

[Core Shot]

I’m really worried about next winters snowfall

[Gcooker]

[QUOTE=tgapp;6608002
On a final note, I've met an absolutely wonderful woman - I was absolutely not looking for anything, and we're both doing our best to take things slow. Her entrance into my life doesn't really impact how I view my STBXW - I would take the same course of action with or without my relationship to this new woman. For now we're long distance, which has been really helpful in learning to communicate, not rushing into anything, and connecting with her on the basis of emotional vulnerability and shared values, and not just how she makes me "feel".

and no i will not be posting pictures of her tits on here don't even ask

sorry ullr[/QUOTE]

I deleted a big post about not rushing into a new relationship but it sounded preachy and weird and non-constructive. All I'll say is a rebound is just that, a rebound. They never work.

Allow me to project....
I lived this first hand and harbor a lot of guilt for hurting people / leading woman on, on my path to dealing with the trauma of my divorce. It's a long, slow, difficult process and warm body at night helped... until it was clear that I wasn't even close to being emotional available to treat them right.

Take time solo, to heal... a rebound is great for sex, but it should be kept to that... but hey, that's just my opinion man...

[Mustonen]

Tgapp - that had to have been at least a little bit validating. Good to hear that you’re moving through it on your own terms, that’s a pretty critical step. Always better when life isn’t just happening to you.

My psychologist stressed a resting period between relationships so that I could gain enough distance from maintaining relationships to recognize patterns and avoid repeating them with a clearer head. It made sense to me…. Seconded on the rebound thing, but sometimes things work out, too.

[tgapp]

Yep, totally valid on the rebound advice - I've spent a lot of time thinking about that, but I've also had two months to process everything that went wrong in my last relationship. I don't think I have a comprehensive understanding of what was unhealthy in my last relationship (nor will I ever, honestly) - but I do have enough perspective and distance to be able to recognize some critical shortcomings.

It's possible that I/we are falling into a trap here - something that we (new woman) and I have discussed openly and honestly at length. What I can say is this: this new relationship feels (incredibly) healthy, intentional, and affirming in a strongly mutual way. It doesn't feel like a rebound, and again, the distance has been an asset at this stage. I can't say with any certainty, but I can trust my intuition here - and that tells me that my involvement with this person is positive, healthy, and beautiful.

[oftpiste]

"Open to possibilities and not attached to outcome".

Everyone processes in their own ways and in their own times. If it's a rebound, so be it. Explore it if it feels healthy and beautiful. Whether it 'works' (implied long term?) is not necessarily the litmus test. Is it healthy and communicative, does it serve the parties involved?

What I do know is that meeting a marvelous woman or two or three in the wake of the emotional devastation of infidelity, gaslighting, behaviors that don't align with stated intentions, and eventual disintegration of an important relationship can be one of the most healing and life affirming things ever. So don't be afraid to open the door and peek inside!

Hoping I'm not saying too much here, but tgapp is one of the most curious, inquisitive, thoughtful and self aware men I've ever met. He's smarter than most and a critical thinker on many levels, and knowing what little I do about him makes me want to tell y'all to trust his abilities and instincts to do the thing that makes sense for him in the moment.

[MTT]

Yep, totally valid on the rebound advice - I've spent a lot of time thinking about that, but I've also had two months to process everything that went wrong in my last relationship. I don't think I have a comprehensive understanding of what was unhealthy in my last relationship (nor will I ever, honestly) - but I do have enough perspective and distance to be able to recognize some critical shortcomings.

It's possible that I/we are falling into a trap here - something that we (new woman) and I have discussed openly and honestly at length. What I can say is this: this new relationship feels (incredibly) healthy, intentional, and affirming in a strongly mutual way. It doesn't feel like a rebound, and again, the distance has been an asset at this stage. I can't say with any certainty, but I can trust my intuition here - and that tells me that my involvement with this person is positive, healthy, and beautiful.

I have read several of your posts. I think you get it. Right? She is trying to to turn you into a cuck. She gets off on in.

Open your eyes. Don’t let the unacceptable become a new normal

Decent humans who love each other don’t fuck around with others. We just don’t! I’m tired today. But if you want me to explain to you what she is. I will because I know. I was married to one. Yea

[frorider]

Tgapp—congrats on the new perspective. It must feel great to be in a place where you don’t get sucked back in by your stbxw.

As for the rebound “my involvement with this person is positive, healthy, and beautiful.” If it is those 3 things, it will EASILY withstand a pause period of say 3 months. You’re a smart guy and it’s clear you intellectually understand the rebound pitfalls, but emotionally she will seem like a safe harbor you wanna jump in to.

I will forever be grateful to my friends who slapped me upside the head in times like these :grin:

[TahoeJ]

I lived this first hand and harbor a lot of guilt for hurting people / leading woman on, on my path to dealing with the trauma of my divorce. It's a long, slow, difficult process and warm body at night helped... until it was clear that I wasn't even close to being emotional available to treat them right.

I did the same thing and was extremely apologetic and tried to explain that I didn't even realize that's what was going on with me. I did end up in a pretty great FWB situation as a result of being completely open and honest about it, so there's a silver lining at least.

Decent humans who love each other don’t fuck around with others.

This is how I feel about my personal experiences or choices, but not everyone is the same. I'm talking about an agreed upon open relationship, not cheating behind their back. Try to understand that and keep an open mind.

[TheSilverSurfer]

Advice please

Lawyer says we have a great case for modifying both spousal support and child support. Thinks we could get everything down to about 5k including my share of child care and health insurance, which is what I'm paying now.

Ex wants 7k, in closing the daycare and health insurance.

I really want to avoid court, and I don't want to fight. I just want what's best for the kids.

I'm thinking of proposing that we lower spousal support to 2k, and modify child support to make it clear that expenses are 50/50 not proportional (she doesn't realize it's now proportional, she could be going after another 1k). This would get her to 6k.

But, should I ask for spousal support to end after x amount of time?

I also want to ask for an extra week winter vacation (I now only get one week of summer vacation), and an extra half day of visitation weekly.

Am I being too soft?
Am I asking for too much?

[Mustonen]

Advice please

Lawyer says we have a great case for modifying both spousal support and child support. Thinks we could get everything down to about 5k including my share of child care and health insurance, which is what I'm paying now.

Ex wants 7k, in closing the daycare and health insurance.

I really want to avoid court, and I don't want to fight. I just want what's best for the kids.

I'm thinking of proposing that we lower spousal support to 2k, and modify child support to make it clear that expenses are 50/50 not proportional (she doesn't realize it's now proportional, she could be going after another 1k). This would get her to 6k.

But, should I ask for spousal support to end after x amount of time?

I also want to ask for an extra week winter vacation (I now only get one week of summer vacation), and an extra half day of visitation weekly.

Am I being too soft?
Am I asking for too much?

Without knowing anything, I’d let your lawyer take the lead.

ETA: I don’t regret any of the money stuff. Get that number to something you can sustain. What I regret is the custody stuff. Prioritize that.

[Diamond Joe]

the two months that we were doing the program which liv2ski recommended

Can I ask, as I couldn't find it going back 6 or 7 pages; what was this program?

[tgapp]

Can I ask, as I couldn't find it going back 6 or 7 pages; what was this program?

Yep it's called Retrouvaille. Absolutely incredible program. Highly recommend it - STBXW would say the same. PM me if you want details.

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[TahoeJ]

Too many details for any of us to give good advice, listen to your lawyer most likely.

[MakersTeleMark]

Am I being too soft?
Am I asking for too much?

If you have to ask, well then ...

[TheSilverSurfer]

Well, I tried being the nice guy and another 1k,just not enough for her, so now it's lawyer time and she's probably going to end up with less.

[Meadow Skipper]

Without knowing anything, I’d let your lawyer take the lead.

+1, and I’d add to deal with her lawyer, rather than her directly.

[MagnificentUnicorn]

Well, I tried being the nice guy and another 1k,just not enough for her, so now it's lawyer time and she's probably going to end up with less.

So, don’t worry about her other than her getting what’s equitable. Be fair not greedy and be civil. I know it can be difficult with an unstable ex but someone needs to be the adult. Your kids are pretty young and they’ll be fine. Be the father that they need. It’s just business with your ex now.


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[PNWbrit]

+1, and I’d add to deal with her lawyer, rather than her directly.

Don't have a dog and bark yourself.

[MakersTeleMark]

Don't have a dog and bark yourself.

I think some of the most important and frequent advice I give to my clients is, "I need you to let me take care of this."

[TheSilverSurfer]

So, don’t worry about her other than her getting what’s equitable. Be fair not greedy and be civil. I know it can be difficult with an unstable ex but someone needs to be the adult. Your kids are pretty young and they’ll be fine. Be the father that they need. It’s just business with your ex now.


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Great advice. Thank you.

Surprised by the emotional pain of the realization that we can't work this out.

[TahoeJ]

Surprised by the emotional pain of the realization that we can't work this out.

It's probably going to get worse. Here are my main tips:

- take deep breaths. Meditate if that's your thing or maybe even if it's not.
- try to have a big picture perspective of your entire life.
- don't text her during this period, at all (my biggest mistake hands down). Other than very basic logistical stuff, of course.
- get outside, exercise and distract yourself so you don't dwell on this shit. Rumination is a motherfucker.

[Meadow Skipper]

Don't have a dog and bark yourself.

I should have said “through your lawyer.” Talk with your STBXW as little as possible.

[oftpiste]

Lawyers deal together, not you and her lawyer. That'd be a huge mistake.

And stop all direct contact with her on any subject other than kids' logistics. Do not say anything, or allow yourself to be drawn into a conversation about the negotiations. In other words, don't inadvertently fuck yourself.

+1, and I’d add to deal with her lawyer, rather than her directly.

[Falcon3]

Advice please

But, should I ask for spousal support to end after x amount of time?
?

Good advice so far. And the best advice is to listen to your lawyer. I’ll just comment on this part.

Here’s the Revised Code of Washington on what spousal support is based off:

https://app.leg.wa.gov/rcw/default.aspx?cite=26.09.090

“(b) The time necessary to acquire sufficient education or training to enable the party seeking maintenance to find employment appropriate to his or her skill, interests, style of life, and other attendant circumstances;
(c) The standard of living established during the marriage or domestic partnership;
(d) The duration of the marriage or domestic partnership;
(e) The age, physical and emotional condition, and financial obligations of the spouse or domestic partner seeking maintenance; and
(f) The ability of the spouse or domestic partner from whom maintenance is sought to meet his or her needs and financial obligations while meeting those of the spouse or domestic partner seeking maintenance.”

Since your ex has work experience, education, and your ability to provide for the kids is being hampered by paying her, based on the law, I’d say you’d be reasonable in asking spousal to terminate way prior to the kids emancipating. Way. Way prior. I’d probably ask your attorney about this.

[Mustonen]

Since your ex has work experience, education, and your ability to provide for the kids is being hampered by paying her, based on the law, I’d say you’d be reasonable in asking spousal to terminate way prior to the kids emancipating. Way. Way prior. I’d probably ask your attorney about this.

I said I didn’t regret the money stuff, but the spousal support is dragging on about a year too long. My attorney said it should be about 2 years, but I offered a little over 5 because that was enough to get the kids to all being old enough to be mostly self sufficient (she didn’t start working full time until after the divorce was finalized).

Like TSS, I was more or less trying to find a middle ground and avoid the court battle. She had asked for an absurd ten years of spousal support, set to half my income, and if she hadn’t taken just over 5 years as a fixed amount I was ready to let my attorney go to work and get it as low as he could. Reasonable she is not, but a survivor she is, and she must have sensed that a line was being drawn…. She really thinks she got one over on me. Maybe she did, but I’m not sure it counts if it’s freely offered and given.