Tammy Wynette cannot be reached for help-Divorce advice

**Chugachjed** · 09-15-2019, 07:28 PM

Damn. Been there too. That’s what we tried last time we almost split. Not the dating other people but living together in separate rooms. My wife sounds so much like yours it’s spooky. Super controlling. Get out. She wants to live together so she can control you. Get out. It’s not your fault. She’s gaslighting you. It’s not the victims fault for the abuse.

SB · 09-16-2019, 05:43 AM

6 years on, it gets better.

Pace yourself.

Do not dance to her bell.

Move forward.

**oftpiste** · 09-16-2019, 04:13 PM

^^^ Good stuff. It's possible it gets better sooner than that. It has for me.

Start with some good professional counseling. If it can't be repaired perhaps it can end without awfulness.

TSS, super sorry you're in the thick of that painful stuff. Feel free to reach out if you need an ear.

**alias_rice** · 09-16-2019, 04:40 PM

Damn TSS, that sounds like pure hell. No advice from me except I can’t possibly see how living together with her acting like that can possibly work. Vibes man.

**Mustonen** · 09-16-2019, 04:53 PM

The end of my marriage was really similar to what you describe. She bounced from wanting to do teamwork to wanting me out. In the end, all the flexibility I agreed to to allow for teamwork and joint mission just became areas where she thought she could call all the shots.

Since I’m not willing to drag the kids into the middle of the arguments, she usually wins. It’s rarely worth it, and life is easier when she thinks she’s winning.

**Gcooker** · 09-17-2019, 10:19 AM

I've posted it before... counselling really helped my come up a strategy for dealing with my ex. 5 words for how I enter every interaction, I keep them written on a note in my wallet.
Diplomatic, calm, respectful, polite but removed.
I also told her that any communication should be done by text or email... one to have a record of the communications but more importantly, that way I have time to refer to my list before resonding.

It all sucks, but does get better. I miss my kids when they're at their moms, but they're happy and well adjusted it seems. And for my week without them I pursue everything and anything I feel like, which is the biggest bonus to divorce IMHO.

**TahoeJ** · 10-11-2019, 06:15 AM

Originally Posted by Mustonen

Nothing is lonelier than being with somebody who is shitty and self centered and narcissistic.

Finally convinced myself of this. Signed a lease for my own place a few days ago and moving out this week. We have to tell our three kids tomorrow, so that should be fun. Fuck.

**Bunion 2020** · 10-11-2019, 06:30 AM

Vibes. Good luck.

**Danno** · 10-11-2019, 07:36 AM

Fuck, sorry mang.

**Meadow Skipper** · 10-11-2019, 08:08 AM

Aw shit, I’m sorry to hear that.

**Dantheman** · 10-11-2019, 08:23 AM

Good luck, J.

**liv2ski** · 10-11-2019, 10:35 AM

Damn J, I am really sorry to hear of the problems you guys are going through. Marriage is really tough and does take two people committed to each others happiness and who want to stay married (like for the kids). Being that none of us were properly prepared for this commitment, all I can suggest is what saved my marriage. It has likely been about 25 years since we did our weekend with Retrouvaille and while we can still annoy each other at times, at least now we know how to address issues as they come up. I get you're both pissed and hurt, but really, there is a good chance this will help Bigly.
https://www.helpourmarriage.org

**oftpiste** · 10-11-2019, 11:42 AM

Vibes TJ. So sorry, but hope it turns to positive at some point. Recommend doing some reading on those disorders. Pretty enlightening and helpful. "No More Walking on Eggshells" is a good one. And her behavior won't likely change so you'll still need strategies and resolve for continued interaction.

Remember too that telling the kids is only about them, not the two of you or your relationship. Hang in there.

Originally Posted by TahoeJ

Finally convinced myself of this. Signed a lease for my own place a few days ago and moving out this week. We have to tell our three kids tomorrow, so that should be fun. Fuck.

**Yonder_River** · 10-22-2019, 11:35 AM

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GD8TKkwd6AE&feature=share

A little lightness for a dark thread.

**TahoeJ** · 11-14-2019, 08:14 AM

Originally Posted by oftpiste

Vibes TJ. So sorry, but hope it turns to positive at some point. Recommend doing some reading on those disorders. Pretty enlightening and helpful. "No More Walking on Eggshells" is a good one. And her behavior won't likely change so you'll still need strategies and resolve for continued interaction.

Thanks, I've actually read some of that book before - she's definitely on the mild side of all that, and it's easy to exaggerate in the heat of the moment, but it certainly played a role in how things deteriorated.

Anyway, one month in, definitely one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. Took a few weeks for that knot in my stomach to go away. Kids seem okay now, although the holidays coming up so soon will be tough. After pouring it on heavy for the first 10 days or so, decided this would be a good time to quit drinking and that was a smart decision as well. Could really use some fucking snow out here, however.

SB · 11-14-2019, 08:41 AM

Hang in there brutha.

Do wots rite four u.

**oftpiste** · 11-14-2019, 10:56 AM

Sending love your way man. I'm delighted for you that the gut-knot has calmed. Be prepared for it to show up again from time to time.

That first holiday season on my own was a motherfucker. I tried to honor the past by including the ex so we could be together as a family with the Things for T-dinner and Xmas events. Yuge mistake.

We were in the same house, but she was a detached block of ice to me. Good news, I guess is that it cemented my understanding that nothing was going to change no matter how hard I tried (which I really should have known by that point anyway), so I was able to relieve myself of a certain amount of burden around hoping she could/would 'show up' at some point.

We have an annually alternating holiday timeline for the Things, they're good with it, and I celebrate in a way that makes me happy.

If you ever desire an ear that knows pretty specifically and freshly what you're going through give me a scream. Hang in there, keep doing your own work, make decisions that serve you. It WILL get easier and better.

Originally Posted by TahoeJ

Thanks, I've actually read some of that book before - she's definitely on the mild side of all that, and it's easy to exaggerate in the heat of the moment, but it certainly played a role in how things deteriorated.

Anyway, one month in, definitely one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. Took a few weeks for that knot in my stomach to go away. Kids seem okay now, although the holidays coming up so soon will be tough. After pouring it on heavy for the first 10 days or so, decided this would be a good time to quit drinking and that was a smart decision as well. Could really use some fucking snow out here, however.

**Meadow Skipper** · 11-14-2019, 11:31 AM

Originally Posted by oftpiste

That first holiday season on my own was a motherfucker.

Same here.

**Mustonen** · 11-14-2019, 12:38 PM

Originally Posted by TahoeJ

Anyway, one month in, definitely one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. Took a few weeks for that knot in my stomach to go away. Kids seem okay now, although the holidays coming up so soon will be tough.

My ex kept saying stuff about “taking the easy way out” which seemed so absurd to me. Making that decision and following through with it was the most harrowing experience of my life. Her being absolutely terrible throughout is one of the only things that made it easier, ironically.

The holidays are tough, man. Take care of you. The kids just want to be loved and toys and to not have to deal with the drama. Don’t get sucked into it and do what you can to make sure the kids have every opportunity to be happy and secure and loved when they’re with you and when they aren’t.

**oftpiste** · 11-14-2019, 01:04 PM

Serious bummer that people who've been your family for so long aren't anymore. Her family completely turned on me without so much as a fare-thee-well in spite of my efforts to be civil and kind, and unquestioningly supported her ongoing brutality through the process. Made me sad, but in hindsight no surprise, and I get that families stick together.

One other interesting and educational thing that happened FWIW: The season after the 'togetherness' year I tried another approach that didn't work. I told the Things that I was hosting (family, friends) for T-day, xmas eve, xmas dinner. Mind you, at this point the youngest was 18.

Knowing their mom might put some guilt/pressure on them to be with her/her family, I let them know they were absolutely welcome to be with me, last minute or otherwise, but I wanted them to know that I genuinely desired for them to be where they felt they needed to be considering all the circumstances. The circumstances included likely pressure and unreliability from the other side which was to be expected in some unpredictable form, and ultimately occurred as expected.

While my intention was really good and I wanted to make it easy for them and intended to not have them subjected to any guilt trips, it was not a good strategy. They came to me after t-day and said, "You guys need to tell us where to go. Leaving that decision to us is way too much pressure".

Lesson learned, now the calendar is in place.