Tammy Wynette cannot be reached for help-Divorce advice

**~mikey b** · 07-27-2019, 10:46 AM

Originally Posted by riser3

You should cover both balls. Do not take "no shirt, no shoes, no service" to its extreme.

fkn funny

It was a nice evening. Grandma didn’t show, but the kids did. I ended up with a 7 year old curled up asleep in my lap for half the performance.

**throwitaway9876** · 08-28-2019, 10:30 AM

Checking in again. It's been a while. Recently went on a long road trip with my pup hoping to find answers. I connected with some old friends, but didn't find answers.

I think I'm pretty stuck in the gravity of the loss. I've dated around, had some conquests and nothing feels nearly the same as the depth of the connection that I lost. I've been trying to stay healthy with lots of running and lifting. I'm eating well. I'm staying away from substance abuse, trying to keep an active social life. I've got several women asking to hang out with me. Nothing has held the darkness at bay. I think I may be pretty seriously depressed.

MBG (roommate) is an awesome person. We've continued to hook up and have adventures. I've held off so far on commitment to a relationship with her since to be honest I feel really fucked up from everything. It's like a significant part of myself is missing. She really wants to move forward with a relationship with me and recently asked if she should be thinking about dating other people. I'm thinking about cutting her loose. She seems to have bounced back from her breakup and has a generally positive outlook. I kinda feel like I'll just bringing her down.

I've been projecting this persona that everything is cool and that I came out of the breakup OK, but the truth is I'm pretty fucked up.

**Rideski** · 08-28-2019, 10:37 AM

I’d just like to point out you chose the name of a Phil Collins song for an alias.

**Meadow Skipper** · 08-28-2019, 10:39 AM

Give it time. Lots of people, including me, think it can take a year to recover from a loss like that. I haven’t tracked you closely for time since the breakup, but it can take longer than you thought or hoped.

**oftpiste** · 08-28-2019, 10:39 AM

You're doing the right thing. It takes time to heal. And you will, when the time comes, and it will happen slowly. It's likely one day you'll suddenly realize you feel stronger. It will come from within, and no amount of outside engagement - romantic or otherwise - will make it happen. Be in the moment, let it come and go and try not to get attached to the pain if you can help it. Easier said than done for sure. Get some [good] help.

As for MBG, is it possible for you both to have (for lack of a better term) an open[ish], loving, healthily non-attached relationship? Sounds like you vibe well, and she's good for you in general. Have an honest conversation about your needs and desires for each other and otherwise. Believe it or not it's possible to have that connection and others of different flavors simultaneously if you're both on the same page, as well as willing and able to have very honest and kind conversations.

Vibes brother!

**AK47bp** · 08-28-2019, 10:39 AM

In my experience it takes at least 6 months (up to 1 year sometimes) to get over it.

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SB · 08-28-2019, 10:45 AM

Sack up Sally, you got a lot more than most and you are rolling in the pity pit?

Fack! Iffn I had a MGB looking to fill the gap I would be on that like stink on sheet and no lookie back!

Charge forward MF!

**Danno** · 08-28-2019, 11:09 AM

Have you considered seeking some sort of counseling/therapy?

**::: :::** · 08-28-2019, 11:17 AM

Originally Posted by throwitaway9876

but the truth is I'm pretty fucked up.

my brother mentioned a self help book that helped him adjust his perspective in a time of crisis: "The Four Agreements"
I haven't read it myself yet, but i've got a hold on it with my library to see what he's been talking about.
It talks about letting go of things that you can't control, among other ideas.

not too long a read...might be worth a shot

**oftpiste** · 08-28-2019, 12:34 PM

Good shit...^^^ from Buddhist texts.....

**fastfred** · 08-28-2019, 05:20 PM

Originally Posted by throwitaway9876

Checking in again. It's been a while. Recently went on a long road trip with my pup hoping to find answers. I connected with some old friends, but didn't find answers.

I think I'm pretty stuck in the gravity of the loss. I've dated around, had some conquests and nothing feels nearly the same as the depth of the connection that I lost. I've been trying to stay healthy with lots of running and lifting. I'm eating well. I'm staying away from substance abuse, trying to keep an active social life. I've got several women asking to hang out with me. Nothing has held the darkness at bay. I think I may be pretty seriously depressed.

MBG (roommate) is an awesome person. We've continued to hook up and have adventures. I've held off so far on commitment to a relationship with her since to be honest I feel really fucked up from everything. It's like a significant part of myself is missing. She really wants to move forward with a relationship with me and recently asked if she should be thinking about dating other people. I'm thinking about cutting her loose. She seems to have bounced back from her breakup and has a generally positive outlook. I kinda feel like I'll just bringing her down.

I've been projecting this persona that everything is cool and that I came out of the breakup OK, but the truth is I'm pretty fucked up.

well um.......
staying off or moderating the drugs and alcohol is a win win, good for you
dano said, see a therapist, if your open it'll help
pretty sure it was mentioned here, but chicks are like a light switch, it's on or it's off, they are cold like a refridgerator
as for the roommate thing, I did that, fucked around for about a year and then I got the ultimatum, thought about it for a week and decided to get serious, lasted almost two decades, don't regret it at all
and like you mentioned, your looking for the depth and connection you had, well good luck with that shit, been there done that, same as you, I was jonsen to find that connection again with someone, took awhile cause I wasn't overly desperate and wasn't going to settle, it'll happen and when it does you'll know
good luck

KQ · 08-28-2019, 07:38 PM

**throwitaway9876** · 08-28-2019, 08:41 PM

Originally Posted by acinpdx

my brother mentioned a self help book that helped him adjust his perspective in a time of crisis: "The Four Agreements"
I haven't read it myself yet, but i've got a hold on it with my library to see what he's been talking about.
It talks about letting go of things that you can't control, among other ideas.

not too long a read...might be worth a shot

Thanks. Ironically this is a book that my ex read during a time of personal crisis years ago. Maybe I'll give it a shot.

Originally Posted by Danno

Have you considered seeking some sort of counseling/therapy?

I saw someone for a while but it didn't help and then I started to not look forward to the meetings. I think that the issue is that I intellectually understand all of the things they were trying to get me to realize (and already realize) but that I couldn't really feel anything. Now I just feel really sad.

Originally Posted by SB

Sack up Sally, you got a lot more than most and you are rolling in the pity pit?

Fack! Iffn I had a MGB looking to fill the gap I would be on that like stink on sheet and no lookie back!

Charge forward MF!

Thanks man. Not trying to have a pity party, but perhaps I'm starting to be honest with myself that I don't feel well.

Originally Posted by oftpiste

You're doing the right thing. It takes time to heal. And you will, when the time comes, and it will happen slowly. It's likely one day you'll suddenly realize you feel stronger. It will come from within, and no amount of outside engagement - romantic or otherwise - will make it happen. Be in the moment, let it come and go and try not to get attached to the pain if you can help it. Easier said than done for sure. Get some [good] help.

As for MBG, is it possible for you both to have (for lack of a better term) an open[ish], loving, healthily non-attached relationship? Sounds like you vibe well, and she's good for you in general. Have an honest conversation about your needs and desires for each other and otherwise. Believe it or not it's possible to have that connection and others of different flavors simultaneously if you're both on the same page, as well as willing and able to have very honest and kind conversations.

Vibes brother!

Thanks man. RE:Your MBG open relationship idea- I guess it could work but it seems really complicated to do that while living together. I'm not sure I see that going in a good direction.

I've been hanging with a couple different girls recently. On one hand maybe it would be good to date other girls or see my ex without causing complications with MBG, but on the other I think it would really fuck with MBG.

**oftpiste** · 08-29-2019, 10:42 AM

^^^ Might be easier than you think. Sharing truth about needs and desires (whatever those may be in a relationship) is liberating. If you don't talk to MBG about it you'll never know the answer!

Probably stay away from the ex though. Unlikely a lot of healing will come from that.

Try another therapist. It's not unusual to not look forward to the sessions because they're challenging your status quo and provoking new ways of looking at things. Rewiring is pretty much always uncomfortable.

**TheSilverSurfer** · 08-31-2019, 01:39 PM

This sucks.

**DBdude** · 08-31-2019, 06:33 PM

Originally Posted by throwitaway9876

Thanks. Ironically this is a book that my ex read during a time of personal crisis years ago. Maybe I'll give it a shot.

I saw someone for a while but it didn't help and then I started to not look forward to the meetings. I think that the issue is that I intellectually understand all of the things they were trying to get me to realize (and already realize) but that I couldn't really feel anything. Now I just feel really sad.

Thanks man. Not trying to have a pity party, but perhaps I'm starting to be honest with myself that I don't feel well.

Thanks man. RE:Your MBG open relationship idea- I guess it could work but it seems really complicated to do that while living together. I'm not sure I see that going in a good direction.

I've been hanging with a couple different girls recently. On one hand maybe it would be good to date other girls or see my ex without causing complications with MBG, but on the other I think it would really fuck with MBG.

why don't you think about getting together. discuss it with her. many people on here that aren't posting it have saved relationships that were in a worse state than yours with your ex wife. there is something to be said for forgiveness and it as a building block for lifetime happiness

there is so much bro brah horse shit here

**oftpiste** · 09-01-2019, 12:49 PM

I'm stoked for those who have succeeded in making repairs and finding peace.

My recollection without going through all million pages of this thread is that those of us who wound up ending relationships put in some solid work to avoid such an end. There comes a point, no matter how committed, forgiving and hard-working you are, that there's just no more gas in the tank and it's the best thing for our own health to move along.

Your comment presumes he hasn't tried already and subsequently come to the conclusion this is the best thing.

Originally Posted by DBdude

why don't you think about getting together. discuss it with her. many people on here that aren't posting it have saved relationships that were in a worse state than yours with your ex wife. there is something to be said for forgiveness and it as a building block for lifetime happiness

there is so much bro brah horse shit here

**mtngirl79** · 09-01-2019, 12:56 PM

Pretty sure this alias is the one that had the long term live in that was fucking a friend? And they just ended it and no effort was really put into reconciliation.

Looking at what reconciliation might look like is a reasonable suggestion if hes still missing the ex this much. Nobody really knows what is inside another's relationship and what was best for you might not be best for others.

Only you can decide if it is success or failure or if you tried hard enough or not enough.

**wooley12** · 09-01-2019, 01:12 PM

I've got zero personal experience with divorce in any aspect so I'm clueless on what to do. But I have to do something. My SIL was growing tired of her husband being depressed and no fun to be with. Loss of a son in a MC accident 5 years ago had them blaming themselves. My 65 y o BIL, Bob, is in poor health with mobility issues and happy to just hang at the condo and cook the meals. Well this 70 y o dude from the weekly poker nite she was going to puts the moves on SIL and after 45 years she just moved out of the condo and into Fred's house. Her two sisters are sick and don't know what to do or say. What I'm asking how to talk to Bob? What's gonna help? What subjects to avoid? My first thought is to take a position that his wife is on a "just fling thing" and Fred is a wife stealing scumbag and Bob shouldn't let him get away with it by getting the wife back.

**mtngirl79** · 09-01-2019, 01:22 PM

I dont know, but yesterday I was giving a guy in a wheelchair a ride to a waffle house like establishment with his wife. Dude had both legs amputated at the knees.

As I'm putting him on the lift his wife goes and gets something from the car and he keeps saying he isnt ready to go, he isn't dressed yet. So I tell his wife and she snaps at me that he has dementia and will tell me anything I want him to.

Ok.

Then, the guy gets really upset that he doesnt have shoes on.

He wife snaps your legs were cut off. You dont get shoes because you dont have feet.

It would be really hard to become a caregiver for a partner.

**Mustonen** · 09-01-2019, 02:23 PM

Originally Posted by wooley12

I've got zero personal experience with divorce in any aspect so I'm clueless on what to do. But I have to do something. My SIL was growing tired of her husband being depressed and no fun to be with. Loss of a son in a MC accident 5 years ago had them blaming themselves. My 65 y o BIL, Bob, is in poor health with mobility issues and happy to just hang at the condo and cook the meals. Well this 70 y o dude from the weekly poker nite she was going to puts the moves on SIL and after 45 years she just moved out of the condo and into Fred's house. Her two sisters are sick and don't know what to do or say. What I'm asking how to talk to Bob? What's gonna help? What subjects to avoid? My first thought is to take a position that his wife is on a "just fling thing" and Fred is a wife stealing scumbag and Bob shouldn't let him get away with it by getting the wife back.

How about you just listen? Not sure you need to take a position here, just validate his.

**oftpiste** · 09-01-2019, 02:33 PM

yeah, what he said^^.

Just show up for him. Don't offer advice or platitudes. He's in pain in more ways than one. Just love the shit out of him and see what you can do to ease it without taking a position or solutions.

**wooley12** · 09-01-2019, 03:07 PM

Mtngirl, good on you to help a caregiver.

Support the guy for sure. What is the #1 thing NOT to say? For me, not being a social "mender" is something I have to guard against. Oldest of five I was always the referee and voice of wisdom.

**fastfred** · 09-01-2019, 04:25 PM

don't tip toe around trying to say the right thing
thats bullshit
talk, if you say something wrong, roll with it, it may open up the discussion to something better your buddy might be able to get something off his chest he was holding in