Tammy Wynette cannot be reached for help-Divorce advice

**TheSilverSurfer** · 03-30-2019, 01:10 PM

Oh, and nesting. Anybody have experience or know somebody that does?

**Brock Landers** · 03-30-2019, 01:52 PM

Originally Posted by TheSilverSurfer

Oh, and nesting. Anybody have experience or know somebody that does?

Like laying down toilet paper on top of the seat before wreaking havoc?

**Mustonen** · 03-30-2019, 01:59 PM

I don’t know what nesting means, at least in this context.

I think this really varies by state. I was more or less exactly where you are a year and a half ago. I lawyered up, and it definitely escalated things. Probably the right thing to do, still.

If custody is a concern (it was more or less my only concern) then leaving the house before a custody order is in place puts you at a disadvantage. Their inclination is to continue the existing situation. If you’re fucking gone and see them on weekends or whatever, they might see it as reasonable to continue that. I stayed an extra couple months for that reason, and it was the most bizarre and uncomfortable couple months of my life.

**frorider** · 03-30-2019, 02:10 PM

I had to look up that non self explanatory term:

Nesting is when the children remain in the family home and the parents alternate moving in and out, depending on the custody agreement. Rather than in a traditional arrangement, where the children are required to move between two homes, two bedrooms, and two sets of toys, this practice allows everything material to stay stable and predictable for the kids. Here, it’s the grown-ups who must adapt.

**frorider** · 03-30-2019, 02:12 PM

So I guess Nesting requires a condo for the ex wife, a house for the kids, and dad sleeps in a van down by the river.

WTF.

**frorider** · 03-30-2019, 02:13 PM

Or maybe just one condo and the divorced parents swap places in it. That’d be fun to explain to your tinder date

**Mustonen** · 03-30-2019, 02:25 PM

Yeah, we explored this idea briefly (didn’t call it nesting, I don’t think, but I might just not remember the term).

Couldn’t quite wrap my head around it. Seemed like you’d have to be in a really good place to make it work. So much opportunity for conflict. Upside, a cheap apartment or rented room would be enough if you’re still paying the mortgage (which I did and still sorta do). One of my biggest hurdles was providing a second home adequate for three kids in addition to supporting their existing home. The ex would be on her own for her off-custody digs. I think you’d still need your own private space just for sanity.

Edit: misread your post.

**Mustonen** · 03-30-2019, 02:33 PM

I know somebody who is cohabiting until the kids graduate HS. He lives downstairs. She lives upstairs. If you still basically like your ex and there is a feeling of mutual respect, I guess it could work.

**iceman** · 03-30-2019, 02:34 PM

I think he meant taking your tinder date to the condo you split time with your wife in. Her shit would be all over the place, which the date might find offputting. "No really, I'm divorced, we just share this place."

**frorider** · 03-30-2019, 03:36 PM

^^^ or it could be a porno plot.

**oftpiste** · 03-30-2019, 05:57 PM

I had a few of months like this. Bloody awful.

TSS, Mustonen is right on. A parenting agreement is typically something that can be drawn up well before divorce proceedings are underway. Once you have that you can leave, or she can leave, or whatever. Pretty much anyway, unless she's inclined to the dark side and comes after you later. You can probably google how to do this if you insist on doing it yourselves.

As for lawyers, no one wants them. But this shit is so complicated both spiritually and procedurally I don't know how you do it without, and if you do you should at least have one who will review your documents for holes and to make sure you haven't fucked yourself somehow. There are lawyers out there who will do that too.

Even with a lawyer I missed something in my mediation agreement that cost me $20k I didn't have and had to pay up at the 11th hour.

Unless you are certain that your split is completely, uncorruptively amicable and there's no possibility of either of you getting mad, disagreeing about parenting, assets, money, etc. DO NOT do this without representation. It's up to her if she wants to, but don't you. Please.

Originally Posted by Mustonen

I don’t know what nesting means, at least in this context.

I think this really varies by state. I was more or less exactly where you are a year and a half ago. I lawyered up, and it definitely escalated things. Probably the right thing to do, still.

If custody is a concern (it was more or less my only concern) then leaving the house before a custody order is in place puts you at a disadvantage. Their inclination is to continue the existing situation. If you’re fucking gone and see them on weekends or whatever, they might see it as reasonable to continue that. I stayed an extra couple months for that reason, and it was the most bizarre and uncomfortable couple months of my life.

**muted** · 03-30-2019, 06:25 PM

Just leave everything a mess for her to clean up, eat all the food, and leave the toilet seat up. And used rubbers hidden in the nightstand. /pasiveaggressive

**Core Shot** · 03-30-2019, 07:13 PM

Originally Posted by frorider

So I guess Nesting requires a condo for the ex wife, a house for the kids, and dad sleeps in a van down by the river.

WTF.

I hope it’s a decked out sprinter van

**Gcooker** · 03-30-2019, 07:57 PM

I did the nesting thing for 4 months until I got into the house I bought. Crashed with a buddy when I wasn’t at my house with the kids. It was an odd feeling, a constant and shitty reminder of the hell that we were going through. I couldn’t have gotten out of there faster and as soon as I moved in I never went back other than to balance the hot tub so it wasn’t totally fucked up for the new owners.

I was lucky, the divorce was amicable but with that said, my very first call was to a lawyer, the second was my accountant (self employed)... I had meetings set up within 12 hours of her dropping the bomb.

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**MakersTeleMark** · 03-30-2019, 09:24 PM

Originally Posted by Gcooker

I was lucky, the divorce was amicable but with that said, my very first call was to a lawyer, the second was my accountant (self employed)... I had meetings set up within 12 hours of her dropping the bomb.

This is called "winning".

**frorider** · 03-30-2019, 09:44 PM

Originally Posted by Core Shot

I hope it’s a decked out sprinter van

With a stripper pole. Midlife crisis and all.

**TheSilverSurfer** · 03-31-2019, 12:40 AM

Thanks everyone for the advice.

In such a weird place right now. I have zero fucks left to give and for some reason that seems to be working.

**oftpiste** · 03-31-2019, 09:42 AM

Very sorry you have to go through it. It's not fun. Professional therapeutic help can be of great benefit too. Stay focused on showing up for your offspring no matter how crazy it gets.

**tbssux** · 03-31-2019, 09:47 AM

Originally Posted by oftpiste

Very sorry you have to go through it. It's not fun. Professional therapeutic help can be of great benefit too.

He means get a good therapist. He isn't referring to the type of professional therapeutic help that Robert Kraft seeks.

**TheSilverSurfer** · 03-31-2019, 11:31 AM

This fucking cunt is torching it on my son's birthday.

**Cono Este** · 03-31-2019, 02:12 PM

On a different note, I’m coming to the end of my run as a divorced Dad. I’ve stuck it out in St Louis for 12 yrs. at the time it was an impossible situation and all I could decided was to stick around for the kids.

I won’t ever regret it, but shit changes, and the cost was immense to me. Took 5 yrs to find a new career, lost touch with most back on the west coast, ex remarried and hit the lottery, and the kids need me around less and less.

It’s a shit deal as a divorced Dad. Every situation is different, but don’t forget to look out for yourself too. Giving away houses, being #2 to your kids, etc. it’s fucking hard. And if your Ex is insane, you need to really think long and hard about getting the fuck away from situation.

Look after yourselves, or you’ll be shit to everyone, but forever.

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**TheSilverSurfer** · 03-31-2019, 03:53 PM

It's such a shit situation. The nastiness from her is unbearable.

I am out of the house. Even gave her my keys. It was that or she was taking the kids or calling the police. She had threatened in the past to lie and say I hit her if this happened, so I had to leave. It was inevitable so I shouldn't be surprised.

I met with a sheriff to file a report so she can't claim I abandoned them. They said I have two options : a. They would escort me back to the house and force her to let me in. I could stay, and if she didn't like it she can leave. If she tries to take the kids I could call the police and they would most likely say the kids have to stay at the house, since she has nowhere to go to take care of all 3 kids. Police would then order us to come up with a court approved parenting plan, and we would probably be staying in the house together until the divorce was final.

b. I contact an attorney first thing tomorrow and also ask her to let me in tomorrow to grab my things. Interestingly enough I don't have much of shit that I care about or need right now.

A. Sounds appealing, but I think she might snap and I don't see that being good for the kids.

Advice?

**iceman** · 03-31-2019, 04:02 PM

I feel for you but that's legal advice you're looking for imo and I got nothing. All things being equal legally (and I'm not saying they are), I'd take B in a heartbeat but that's me. Where do you live now?

**Mustonen** · 03-31-2019, 04:05 PM

Originally Posted by TheSilverSurfer

It's such a shit situation. The nastiness from her is unbearable.

I’m sorry. I can relate though every situation is different. Just know that it passes.

Originally Posted by TheSilverSurfer

Advice?

Lawyer. Now. Do what they tell you to do. Maybe you could wait on the lawyer bit as long as status quo was maintained, but once this shit starts to move around you really need to make sure you don’t make a huge misstep. It’s not just whether you’re living in your house, it’s your de facto custody situation.

Also, don’t forget the kids and how they’re perceiving this stuff. The most heartbreaking experience I had was when my ex would not let me into the house one night because she thought I had been out with a woman. The kids tried to let me in and she told them to go back to bed. That night still haunts me.

**TheSilverSurfer** · 03-31-2019, 04:43 PM

Originally Posted by Mustonen

I’m sorry. I can relate though every situation is different. Just know that it passes.

Lawyer. Now. Do what they tell you to do. Maybe you could wait on the lawyer bit as long as status quo was maintained, but once this shit starts to move around you really need to make sure you don’t make a huge misstep. It’s not just whether you’re living in your house, it’s your de facto custody situation.

Also, don’t forget the kids and how they’re perceiving this stuff. The most heartbreaking experience I had was when my ex would not let me into the house one night because she thought I had been out with a woman. The kids tried to let me in and she told them to go back to bed. That night still haunts me.

I'm so sorry. Thanks for the empathy.

Lawyer first thing.