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  1. #5776
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Mostly the Elks, mostly.
    Posts
    1,279
    about 10 weeks ago ms middle told me that she wants to separate. that she's all out of 'try' and while she loves me, she's not in love with me anymore. she said that she's having a midlife crisis, and is super hormonal and doesn't know who she wants to be anymore. said she needs to go on a 'solo mission' to figure it out and 'find her way back' and get some 'try' again.

    total. gut. punch. from my perspective it had come out of nowhere. I can't begin to describe the feeling.

    so i have a stressful, crappy job. for a long time i was having a hard time leaving that damage there, and some of the main contributing factors to her giving up on me, were how miserable I was a lot of the time at home and how hard she was trying to be there for me. i know (now) that I took her for granted. that i was getting a little more removed every day and I didn't realize it was happening. Until she gave up and hit me with that bomb.

    anyway, i've been seeing someone regularly to work on myself since the ball dropped. I've grown in so many positive ways (silver lining), am doing better than I have in years (maybe ever) on a 'me' scale. Ms has been amazed at the positive change and perspective, appreciative of my presence and awareness - saying it's everything she wants. but is still not willing to work on us. she won't go to therapy alone or together, won't accept any of my efforts. We've been physically separated about 6 weeks now, various trips and such. she's returning from a month trip tonight, going to sleep in the guest room. As of last week still talking about finding a place and moving out.
    such a bummer. I'm finally aware of, and working on, being the person and husband i should have been this whole time, and there's a real possibility that it might be too late.

    There aren't any fights or infidelity, we are both early 40s and no kids, been married 8 years. We see eye to eye on all the important stuff, we're still polite and kind to each other, still compatible partners. She apologizes to me every day for not being able to figure out her stuff and for the effect it's having on me. I don't have anything bad to say about her other than how much this is killing me - but I know she's not making it up or hurting me on purpose.

    I'm lucky, it isn't about money or custody or mental illness or violence or the terrible situations I read about upthread. I just love her to the end of this miserable planet, and these past weeks have been without question, the darkest hours of my life.

    I still believe there's hope for us. I told her that not fighting for us would be the biggest mistake of our lives, she agreed. I told her I wouldn't stop trying - unless she told me to.

    Maybe some of you guys have navigated something like this? wwmd?
    north bound horse.

  2. #5777
    Join Date
    Sep 2019
    Posts
    218
    Hey MoN, You are going to hear some things from that woman, things that she will need to say. Not all - maybe none - of it is necessarily true.

    I am a bit ahead of you in my process but happy to commiserate sideband.

    It sounds like you are doing the right things for yourself and I salute that.

    Keep your mind on the fact that it will all get better soon. So much better.

  3. #5778
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Location
    The Mayonnaisium
    Posts
    10,467
    Really tough situation.

  4. #5779
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Mt Baldys shoes
    Posts
    2,983
    I went through that scenario.
    Did everything possible too.
    I stalled the divorce process and my wife didn't expedite it either.
    It gave us time apart.
    No dating for both of us.
    Eventually we were totally apart.
    No communication for over 6 months.
    Then one day on our local hill I hear some strange woman yelling my name?
    I didn't recognize the voice.
    My separated wife was also skiing alone and seen me.
    Things were different with both of us after not talking for 6 months.
    Like we just met again for the first time.
    All the negative crap was gone.
    It was so weird but so awesome too.
    We got back together and are still together.
    This happened in 2007,2008.
    Our story was my wife needed to get away from us and figure out what she wanted.
    Staying together back then wasn't going to work unfortunately.
    Accept what she wants.
    You really don't have any choice in the matter.
    Don't rush anything.
    Hopefully the both of you will find eachother again.

  5. #5780
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Seattle
    Posts
    8,401
    MoN. Man, that's super rough. Twins' story may be the way to go. Let go the best you can. It'll suck. For a while and then some. Reach out if you need an ear. I'm really sorry you're suffering.
    Quote Originally Posted by Foggy_Goggles View Post
    If I lived in WA, Oft would be my realtor. Seriously.

  6. #5781
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    2,069
    Quote Originally Posted by TWINS View Post
    Then one day on our local hill I hear some strange woman yelling my name?
    I didn't recognize the voice.
    My separated wife was also skiing alone and seen me.
    .
    And she said "how are you Harry?"
    I said, "how are you Sue?"

    Great story. Great advice.

  7. #5782
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    STL
    Posts
    13,294
    Quote Originally Posted by MiddleOfNight View Post
    about 10 weeks ago ms middle told me that she wants to separate. that she's all out of 'try' and while she loves me, she's not in love with me anymore. she said that she's having a midlife crisis, and is super hormonal and doesn't know who she wants to be anymore. said she needs to go on a 'solo mission' to figure it out and 'find her way back' and get some 'try' again.

    total. gut. punch. from my perspective it had come out of nowhere. I can't begin to describe the feeling.

    so i have a stressful, crappy job. for a long time i was having a hard time leaving that damage there, and some of the main contributing factors to her giving up on me, were how miserable I was a lot of the time at home and how hard she was trying to be there for me. i know (now) that I took her for granted. that i was getting a little more removed every day and I didn't realize it was happening. Until she gave up and hit me with that bomb.

    anyway, i've been seeing someone regularly to work on myself since the ball dropped. I've grown in so many positive ways (silver lining), am doing better than I have in years (maybe ever) on a 'me' scale. Ms has been amazed at the positive change and perspective, appreciative of my presence and awareness - saying it's everything she wants. but is still not willing to work on us. she won't go to therapy alone or together, won't accept any of my efforts. We've been physically separated about 6 weeks now, various trips and such. she's returning from a month trip tonight, going to sleep in the guest room. As of last week still talking about finding a place and moving out.
    such a bummer. I'm finally aware of, and working on, being the person and husband i should have been this whole time, and there's a real possibility that it might be too late.

    There aren't any fights or infidelity, we are both early 40s and no kids, been married 8 years. We see eye to eye on all the important stuff, we're still polite and kind to each other, still compatible partners. She apologizes to me every day for not being able to figure out her stuff and for the effect it's having on me. I don't have anything bad to say about her other than how much this is killing me - but I know she's not making it up or hurting me on purpose.

    I'm lucky, it isn't about money or custody or mental illness or violence or the terrible situations I read about upthread. I just love her to the end of this miserable planet, and these past weeks have been without question, the darkest hours of my life.

    I still believe there's hope for us. I told her that not fighting for us would be the biggest mistake of our lives, she agreed. I told her I wouldn't stop trying - unless she told me to.

    Maybe some of you guys have navigated something like this? wwmd?
    That’s sucks. Don’t beat yourself up too much, it takes two. Anytime a girl told me to change, and I did, I did a disservice to myself. Sounds like she needs to do some work herself. It will get better, but don’t be forgetting who you are and being something you’re not. That will cost a lot more down the road.


    Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

  8. #5783
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Truckee & Nor Cal
    Posts
    15,621
    Quote Originally Posted by TWINS View Post
    I went through that scenario.
    Did everything possible too.
    I stalled the divorce process and my wife didn't expedite it either.
    It gave us time apart.
    No dating for both of us.
    Eventually we were totally apart.
    No communication for over 6 months.
    Then one day on our local hill I hear some strange woman yelling my name?
    I didn't recognize the voice.
    My separated wife was also skiing alone and seen me.
    Things were different with both of us after not talking for 6 months.
    Like we just met again for the first time.
    All the negative crap was gone.
    It was so weird but so awesome too.
    We got back together and are still together.
    This happened in 2007,2008.
    Our story was my wife needed to get away from us and figure out what she wanted.
    Staying together back then wasn't going to work unfortunately.
    Accept what she wants.
    You really don't have any choice in the matter.
    Don't rush anything.
    Hopefully the both of you will find eachother again.
    That’s a nice story. I honestly thought the same might happen with me and my ex. Mutual friends have told me recently that she completely regrets blowing up our marriage / family and they’ve gently tried to explain that her going full psycho over the top during the divorce completely ruined any chance of that ever happening. There’s a lesson there about unnecessarily burning bridges…
    I ski 135 degree chutes switch to the road.

  9. #5784
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
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    STL
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    Quote Originally Posted by TahoeJ View Post
    That’s a nice story. I honestly thought the same might happen with me and my ex. Mutual friends have told me recently that she completely regrets blowing up our marriage / family and they’ve gently tried to explain that her going full psycho over the top during the divorce completely ruined any chance of that ever happening. There’s a lesson there about unnecessarily burning bridges…
    Sometimes they do that on purpose.

    But that’s why they call them psycho


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  10. #5785
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    791
    Quote Originally Posted by MiddleOfNight View Post
    about 10 weeks ago ms middle told me that she wants to separate. that she's all out of 'try' and while she loves me, she's not in love with me anymore. she said that she's having a midlife crisis, and is super hormonal and doesn't know who she wants to be anymore. said she needs to go on a 'solo mission' to figure it out and 'find her way back' and get some 'try' again.

    total. gut. punch. from my perspective it had come out of nowhere. I can't begin to describe the feeling.

    so i have a stressful, crappy job. for a long time i was having a hard time leaving that damage there, and some of the main contributing factors to her giving up on me, were how miserable I was a lot of the time at home and how hard she was trying to be there for me. i know (now) that I took her for granted. that i was getting a little more removed every day and I didn't realize it was happening. Until she gave up and hit me with that bomb.

    anyway, i've been seeing someone regularly to work on myself since the ball dropped. I've grown in so many positive ways (silver lining), am doing better than I have in years (maybe ever) on a 'me' scale. Ms has been amazed at the positive change and perspective, appreciative of my presence and awareness - saying it's everything she wants. but is still not willing to work on us. she won't go to therapy alone or together, won't accept any of my efforts. We've been physically separated about 6 weeks now, various trips and such. she's returning from a month trip tonight, going to sleep in the guest room. As of last week still talking about finding a place and moving out.
    such a bummer. I'm finally aware of, and working on, being the person and husband i should have been this whole time, and there's a real possibility that it might be too late.

    There aren't any fights or infidelity, we are both early 40s and no kids, been married 8 years. We see eye to eye on all the important stuff, we're still polite and kind to each other, still compatible partners. She apologizes to me every day for not being able to figure out her stuff and for the effect it's having on me. I don't have anything bad to say about her other than how much this is killing me - but I know she's not making it up or hurting me on purpose.

    I'm lucky, it isn't about money or custody or mental illness or violence or the terrible situations I read about upthread. I just love her to the end of this miserable planet, and these past weeks have been without question, the darkest hours of my life.

    I still believe there's hope for us. I told her that not fighting for us would be the biggest mistake of our lives, she agreed. I told her I wouldn't stop trying - unless she told me to.

    Maybe some of you guys have navigated something like this? wwmd?


    You are so lucky, I would give up 60% of my stuff for a break that clean. I think mine's going to cost even more and be a god awful mess of verbal abuse for years.

    Oh wait, I've already been verbally abused for years, its just going to cost a ton at some point but decades from now it will be over.

  11. #5786
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    At the beach
    Posts
    19,067
    Quote Originally Posted by MiddleOfNight View Post
    Maybe some of you guys have navigated something like this? wwmd?
    It is called "being married singles". For what ever reasons she has fallen out of love with you and is ready to move on. It happened to me about 25 years ago. Luckily we came across Retrovaille and it saved our marriage. I will always suggest that, but look into it and feel free to PM me with questions.
    https://retrouvaille.org
    Quote Originally Posted by leroy jenkins View Post
    I think you'd have an easier time understanding people if you remembered that 80% of them are fucking morons.
    That is why I like dogs, more than most people.

  12. #5787
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Bellevue
    Posts
    7,431
    Quote Originally Posted by exsparky View Post
    You are so lucky, I would give up 60% of my stuff for a break that clean. I think mine's going to cost even more and be a god awful mess of verbal abuse for years.

    Oh wait, I've already been verbally abused for years, its just going to cost a ton at some point but decades from now it will be over.
    Aw fuck man, was the question about an inventory spreadsheet a bad sign? Good luck to you.

  13. #5788
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Verdi NV
    Posts
    10,457
    This last page. It’s such a common story

    Pay attention but don’t lose your self trying to please

    I hope it works out FYI. Women go fucking nuts on the sex. In there 40’s. It is what it is
    Own your fail. ~Jer~

  14. #5789
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    slc
    Posts
    17,891
    Quote Originally Posted by MiddleOfNight View Post
    said she needs to go on a 'solo mission' to figure it out and 'find her way back' and get some 'try' again...she's returning from a month trip tonight...
    Tell me you don't have kids without telling me you don't have kids

    Sorry man, best of luck to you however this works out.

  15. #5790
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Last Best City in the Last Best Place
    Posts
    7,269
    Sounds like MiddleofNight is living almost the exact plot of the book I'm reading.

    When Lauren and Ryan’s marriage reaches the breaking point, they come up with an unconventional plan. They decide to take a year off in the hopes of finding a way to fall in love again. One year apart, and only one rule: they cannot contact each other. Aside from that, anything goes.

    Lauren embarks on a journey of self-discovery, quickly finding that her friends and family have their own ideas about the meaning of marriage. These influences, as well as her own healing process and the challenges of living apart from Ryan, begin to change Lauren’s ideas about monogamy and marriage. She starts to question: When you can have romance without loyalty and commitment without marriage, when love and lust are no longer tied together, what do you value? What are you willing to fight for?

    This is a love story about what happens when the love fades. It’s about staying in love, seizing love, forsaking love, and committing to love with everything you’ve got. And above all, After I Do is the story of a couple caught up in an old game—and searching for a new road to happily ever after.

  16. #5791
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Posts
    1,412
    Quote Originally Posted by yeahman View Post
    Sounds like MiddleofNight is living almost the exact plot of the book I'm reading.
    Hallmark movie channel book?? NTTIAWWT
    what's so funny about peace, love, and understanding?

  17. #5792
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    STL
    Posts
    13,294

    Tammy Wynette cannot be reached for help-Divorce advice

    Quote Originally Posted by MTT View Post
    Women go fucking nuts on the sex. In there 40’s. It is what it is

    I can attest to this. I had a hard break with a wild chic 2 months ago and am already now meeting a corporate flight attendant in lGeneva at the end of July. I met her 2 weeks ago in Scottsdale.

    Free hotel and rent a car too. Lol

    It’s only gotten better with each chic, chins up



    Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

  18. #5793
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Mostly the Elks, mostly.
    Posts
    1,279
    Thanks for the input guys.
    Great advice to not change for someone .. I fully agree. My work on me has been a lot of mindfulness, communication, positivity, gratitude, mindset, framing, self awareness and emotional intelligence etc. So it's not like 'i always wanted you to play the trumpet or sell your truck or give up skiing' or any kind of changes like that.
    I've told her that feeling better mentally, feels better - and while I regret that I had gotten off the path, and she suffered for it .. the only way out is forward. and this is the path I'm on, no matter what happens with us. It's about being the best version of me. For everyone in my life, for us, and even just for me. and I believe that.

    True, you cant make someone feel love if they just don't. Also true that I can't control if she needs to leave. It could be what she needs, I dunno.
    I have no expectations, but I do have hope. I want more than anything to get through this with her, and I'm willing work for it. She's back last night, we did ok - maybe after the time apart I can get her to work on it too. Anyway, thanks again for the help and the offers for commiseration, fellas. Will take you up on it.


    Quote Originally Posted by Choss Jonger, Sr. View Post
    Hey MoN, You are going to hear some things from that woman, things that she will need to say. Not all - maybe none - of it is necessarily true.
    fact. It's been happening steadily since this started. Lots of things that went unsaid - or equally likely that went unheard - all coming out now. Some of it fair, some not.

    Quote Originally Posted by exsparky View Post
    You are so lucky, I would give up 60% of my stuff for a break that clean. I think mine's going to cost even more and be a god awful mess of verbal abuse for years.
    I'm sorry man. I know that most of the tammy issues here are way worse than mine. Your situation sucks. Until this started I never doubted that she was the love of my life .. that we would be together til we died. thinking about losing her doesn't make me feel lucky, even if it's 'clean.' It blows. Of course your point is well taken, it could be so so much worse.

    Quote Originally Posted by liv2ski View Post
    It happened to me about 25 years ago. Luckily we came across Retrovaille and it saved our marriage.
    https://retrouvaille.org
    will investigate.
    north bound horse.

  19. #5794
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Location
    I can still smell Poutine.
    Posts
    24,504
    Quote Originally Posted by abraham View Post
    Aw fuck man, was the question about an inventory spreadsheet a bad sign? Good luck to you.
    I had this on my bingo card. Fuck man, that sucks.

  20. #5795
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    791
    I never did that inventory. I was planning on doing 2 (a real one and a light one) but if I submitted the real one to the insurance guy... I don't think I could claim I lost stuff in a boating accident later. If she dug into it.

    If somebody can make the https://retrouvaille.org thing work, I think that's awesome.

    All my divorced friends tell me my wife is worse than their ex's.
    My family doesn't like her.
    Her family tells her to treat me better.
    Her friends tell her to treat me better.
    People change sometimes, she isn't the person I married anymore.
    She made head of the PTA within the first 4 months at the school.
    She has some kind of vendetta with some family 3 blocks away because "their grandmother drives too fast" down our street.

    Is that enough for a BINGO?

  21. #5796
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    Location
    Last Best City in the Last Best Place
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    7,269
    Quote Originally Posted by up an down View Post
    Hallmark movie channel book?? NTTIAWWT
    Fourth book by Taylor Jenkins Reid that I've read. Chick lit, don't knock it till you've tried it. She's good though. Nails it when it comes to marriage.

  22. #5797
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    STL
    Posts
    13,294
    It’s amazing when you realize you’ve been fooling yourself, and this person is not what you think. Here is a good video from a surprising character.

    https://youtu.be/c709rGYW8v0


    Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums

  23. #5798
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Where the sheets have no stains
    Posts
    22,063
    Meanwhile Ryan is nailing everything in sight that will hold still long enough for him to mount?
    I have been in this State for 30 years and I am willing to admit that I am part of the problem.

    "Happiest years of my life were earning < $8.00 and hour, collecting unemployment every spring and fall, no car, no debt and no responsibilities. 1984-1990 Park City UT"

  24. #5799
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Mt Baldys shoes
    Posts
    2,983
    [QUOTE=exsparky;6640155]

    If somebody can make the https://retrouvaille.org thing work, I think that's awesome. /QUOTE]
    I went through it with my wife.
    Definitely a great program to try with your partner.
    It didn't keep us from separation but it did set in motion our eventual reconnection later on.
    I still remember it 15 years later.
    I follow this thread to remind me of what I lost and regained.

  25. #5800
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    At the beach
    Posts
    19,067
    It isn't a magic bullet for sure. Both parties have to want the relationship to work, they just need help getting it back on track. What Retrouvalle shows you is how bad/ugly/fucked up some peoples relationships were and that they overcame their relations issues with the training. If you're like me, I figure if they can do it, so can I and we did about 25 years ago.
    Quote Originally Posted by leroy jenkins View Post
    I think you'd have an easier time understanding people if you remembered that 80% of them are fucking morons.
    That is why I like dogs, more than most people.

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