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  1. #3601
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheSilverSurfer View Post
    Can you direct me towards something I can read about responding versus reacting?
    First, acknowledge, then stfu and retreat.

  2. #3602
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    all of Buddhism...

  3. #3603
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    Quote Originally Posted by MakersTeleMark View Post
    First, acknowledge, then stfu and retreat.
    Man. If only. My ego always getting in the way.

    Wendigo, everything was better when I was practicing daily. Thanks for the reminder.

  4. #3604
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheSilverSurfer View Post
    Can you direct me towards something I can read about responding versus reacting?
    Reacting = emotional
    Responding = intellectual

    Just like here, you shouldn’t feel obligated to argue her down. You won’t “win”


    Sent from my iPhone using TGR Forums
    Quote Originally Posted by Benny Profane View Post
    Keystone is fucking lame. But, deadly.

  5. #3605
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    Here's a pretty good short description: https://zenhabits.net/respond/

  6. #3606
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    Quote Originally Posted by TheSilverSurfer View Post
    Can you direct me towards something I can read about responding versus reacting?
    Yoga teachings work for me. In moments of stress find your breath.
    Concentrate on that and get present with your body.
    Then you can respond, not react.
    I use this to deescalate interactions in life.
    Think about taking Yoga class. It is a great way to destress and give you clarity.
    Also so sorry you are going through this. I have been down that road and it sucks. Wishing you peace today.

  7. #3607
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    Oct 2003
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    I can recommend Crucial Conversations: https://www.vitalsmarts.com/crucial-...ions-training/
    My former employer paid for me to take the 2 day class and it was a pretty good experience. There were some in the class who were taking it for relationship related benefits so it is definitely applicable to that.
    "Great barbecue makes you want to slap your granny up the side of her head." - Southern Saying

  8. #3608
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    Oct 2003
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    slc
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    Quote Originally Posted by MakersTeleMark View Post
    First, acknowledge, then stfu and retreat.

  9. #3609
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    Nov 2012
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    Vancouver, BC
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    853
    My therapist helped me come up with a list of 5 words that I keep in my wallet to deal with my ex. Before responding to anything she said I'd always quickly review it. It calmed me down and I was able to articulate much better, even in during hostile interactions. My strategy while dealing with her is to be:
    Diplomatic
    Calm
    Respectful
    Removed
    Polite

    It drives her nuts that she can't get rise out of me. It's comforting.

  10. #3610
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    Oct 2002
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    my own little world
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    2,382

    Tammy Wynette cannot be reached for help-Divorce advice

    My ex put me in her phone as “Don’t Engage.” I found this out when she was sending emails to teachers and copying me, but the email client subbed my “name” for the email address.....

    Same idea, though I can honestly say my goal is almost always opposite of getting a rise out of her.
    Last edited by Mustonen; 04-03-2019 at 03:20 PM.
    focus.

  11. #3611
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    Gcooker's got the right idea.

    I don't think responding vs. reacting is quite so simple. One can do either from the head or the heart or various combinations thereof. My shrink advises the "what are 5 reasons she's saying/doing this?" approach. This not only forces you to consider her motivations, but forces you to take a moment or two to do so.

    We all have automatic reactions to various triggers and the tough part is spotting them coming on in the heat of battle before the reaction itself. Takes a lot of work to learn. Once you can, you can really take the time to calm yourself and sit with the situation before responding.

    It allows you to remain calm which is incredibly powerful and disarming to those across the table. When they're losing their shit and you won't do so, they seriously don't know what to do. You can even say, "you know, I need some time to think about this. Can we come back to this in 30 minutes?" which gives everyone a chance to chill. Problem is, if you've already rolled your eyes or reacted in any way it's too late.

    It requires as much self awareness as you can muster which can be a tall order when things are crazy.
    Quote Originally Posted by Foggy_Goggles View Post
    If I lived in WA, Oft would be my realtor. Seriously.

  12. #3612
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    Quote Originally Posted by oftpiste View Post
    My shrink advises the "what are 5 reasons she's saying/doing this?" approach.
    1) She's fucking crazy;
    2) She's fucking crazy;
    3) She's fucking crazy;
    4) She wants to feel loved and powerful; and
    5) She wants to transfer her hate.

    A shrink seeing (NTTAWWT) "life coach" bitter divorced stoner on an internet ski board might be over analyzing things a bit.

  13. #3613
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    Sep 2001
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    Quote Originally Posted by MakersTeleMark View Post
    1) She's fucking crazy;
    2) She's fucking crazy;
    3) She's fucking crazy;
    4) She wants to feel loved and powerful; and
    5) She wants to transfer her hate.
    In a nutshell.

    6) See above

  14. #3614
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    the Low Sierra
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    7) It’s all gonna be ok

  15. #3615
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    Steer clear of stupid cunt waters.

    It fouls yer hull.
    watch out for snakes

  16. #3616
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    Reaction is impulsive.

    Response is intentional.
    Quote Originally Posted by Foggy_Goggles View Post
    If I lived in WA, Oft would be my realtor. Seriously.

  17. #3617
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    Quote Originally Posted by MakersTeleMark View Post

    A shrink seeing (NTTAWWT) "life coach" bitter divorced stoner on an internet ski board might be over analyzing things a bit.
    There's a few mischaracterizations in there. Shall we make this multiple choice?

    Anyway, oft has valuable experience and a good heart.
    Merde De Glace On the Freak When Ski
    >>>200 cm Black Bamboo Sidewalled DPS Lotus 120 : Best Skis Ever <<<

  18. #3618
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    Quote Originally Posted by Buster Highmen View Post
    Anyway, oft has valuable experience and a good heart.
    I agree with that.

  19. #3619
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    Dec 2012
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    Perhaps if they offered a Crazy Wife Experience many ill fated marriages would not happen?


    "Schrager’s visits to legal brothels in Nevada were eye-opening. The prostitutes were willing to accept lower pay to work legally because they felt safer—no risk of being arrested, for one thing. The legal brothels employ security guards, and there’s a panic button in every room. Risk reduction is also a big draw for the people on the other side of the transaction, the johns. Schrager says the highest-earning prostitutes are middle-aged women who offer comfort and intimacy. The highest-priced service is called the Girlfriend Experience. “Most of the guys are just lonely,” one prostitute told her. “Many of them don’t even want to have sex.”
    "timberridge is terminally vapid" -- a fortune cookie in Yueyang

  20. #3620
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    ^^^Thank you for that. Only objection I have to MTM's characterization (multiple inaccuracies notwithstanding and not worth an argument) is that it perpetuates that 'shrink-seeing' (NTTAWWT notwithstanding) is somehow a pejorative and extends the unfortunate sense among many men that it's somehow a sign of weakness to seek help.

    I won't say it is or isn't, but when I look back on the last 5 incredibly difficult and painful years I can't even begin to imagine the damage that could have been done - most importantly to my children - had I not been 'shrink-seeing'. I continue to do so, though less frequently, because it helps me to stay on track, check my own behaviors, grow, and rebuild.
    Quote Originally Posted by Foggy_Goggles View Post
    If I lived in WA, Oft would be my realtor. Seriously.

  21. #3621
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    Dec 2016
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    1,596
    Respond not react.
    Must have said that to myself fifty times tonight. And it worked.
    For a variety of reasons I couldn't move out until today, so we had a few forced days together.
    Not sure which one of us is more crazy, but we had a good few days. She asked me not to move out. She says she still hates me and only asked me to stay because she can't take care of 3 kids.

    Holding on as long as possible

  22. #3622
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    I asked a girl out on a date today. A woman I’ve known for a few years. She has a new boyfriend but she was kind enough to be honest with me.

    She said I did it right.

    Encouraging

    SplitBoardGirl just texted me. I gotta go

  23. #3623
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    Quote Originally Posted by oftpiste View Post
    ^^^Thank you for that. Only objection I have to MTM's characterization (multiple inaccuracies notwithstanding and not worth an argument) is that it perpetuates that 'shrink-seeing' (NTTAWWT notwithstanding) is somehow a pejorative and extends the unfortunate sense among many men that it's somehow a sign of weakness to seek help.

    I won't say it is or isn't, but when I look back on the last 5 incredibly difficult and painful years I can't even begin to imagine the damage that could have been done - most importantly to my children - had I not been 'shrink-seeing'. I continue to do so, though less frequently, because it helps me to stay on track, check my own behaviors, grow, and rebuild.
    I fully respect what you have been through, and what you share, and the steps that you have taken to rightly right the big ole thing in your head. I always, after a hug, always, recommend a good, not generic, really good tough guy worthy therapist. I wasn't cutting you down, please don't take it that way. The point I was trying to get across, was that since you came out the other side, I sense that you miss the simple point for the complex which is the norm. But sometimes, cray is just cray. No matter how much butter you eat or put on it. I totally respect you, and if I offended you, I sincerely, really, sincerely, apologize.

    I, from my heart mean what I just typed. I would put that man in my home, pretty much do anything but anal, but sometimes, it's just a cray woman or man that roped you in. And you need to hear the truth without a diatribe of blah blah. That was my point. No harm to us, slight foul on my part, but there is an element of deep hate that any partner cannot take or tolerate anymore after so many times.

  24. #3624
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    Quote Originally Posted by ~mikey b View Post
    I asked a girl out on a date today. A woman I’ve known for a few years. She has a new boyfriend but she was kind enough to be honest with me.

    She said I did it right.

    Encouraging

    SplitBoardGirl just texted me. I gotta go
    You are such a JONG now. Pics, or GTFO!

  25. #3625
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    Is that SBG?
    watch out for snakes

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