I love my wife and all, but Jesus Hercules Christ...

[~mikey b]

I’m glad we waited to know the sex of our child until we met him.

[old goat]

I've given this to gf's past and it's always been a hit. Keeps them off of my knives.

https://www.globalcutleryusa.com/cla...d-cook-s-knife

Pair it with a https://accusharp.com/product/001/ for the full package.

Not a bad investment at all.

Disclaimer: this is not relationship advice. Do your own research.

Do they know which end to hold and which to cut with?

[gravitylover]

Solid move. Make sure to slam the cabinets and clatter the dishes around for full effect.

https://www.tiktok.com/@markuspeter/...09866509126918

Nah I try to stay sorta quiet but it's a small house so there's no way to not hear it. It's just enough to make the point.

[Flyoverland Captive]

My wife got up earlier than normal on Monday, and woke me up to ask if I minded if she used her hair dryer. Amazing.

[JongDoe]

That belongs in the things that amuse me thread,

[MakersTeleMark]

My wife got up earlier than normal on Monday, and woke me up to ask if I minded if she used her hair dryer. Amazing.

On you?

[MontuckyFried]

On you?

Hey. Maybe the ol' ball fro needed to be re-poofed after a vigorous early AM session with the wifey. Homey still got it!

[concretejungle]

Fucking carpet installation again.


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[J. Barron DeJong]

Fucking carpet installation again.


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Huh. Thought that just grew back naturally.

[MakersTeleMark]

Huh. Thought that just grew back naturally.

Needs a FURminator apparently. Or the cable is broken.

[concretejungle]

Wrong thread. Um, she came home to pick something up and her car wouldn’t start. She’s outside googling shit but the battery terminal was loose. Two second fix (minus the Honda Odyssey battery being in a fucking stupid place) and nothing to worry about.


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[MakersTeleMark]

Wrong thread. Um, she came home to pick something up and her car wouldn’t start. She’s outside googling shit but the battery terminal was loose. Two second fix (minus the Honda Odyssey battery being in a fucking stupid place) and nothing to worry about.


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I think it's Jeebus 0, Max Planck 1, husband, 10.

[MontuckyFried]

Wrong thread. Um, she came home to pick something up and her car wouldn’t start. She’s outside googling shit but the battery terminal was loose. Two second fix (minus the Honda Odyssey battery being in a fucking stupid place) and nothing to worry about.

Yeah. That Odyssey battery is dumb how they buried it like that. Just be thankful it wasn't a Sebring or any other similarly stupidly engineered Chrysler/Dodge product. Ask anybody who's done the battery swap on a Journey. I've heard they are teh suckage. Couple decades ago when I worked a car dealership, my boss asked if I could swap out a dead battery on a Chrysler 300M I believe it was. Was like "Sure! No problem. I'll get right on it." Little did I know what I was in for. Some automotive engineers need a solid kick in the nuts, and then forced to do a 1 year internship at a shop before ever being allowed to design so much as 1 bolt placement on a vehicle.

[Boissal]

Ms Boissal wakes up at 5:30 when she works day shifts. The noise starts at 5:31 when the animals start clamoring for breakast. The dog runs up and down the hall with her nails chattering on the hardwood while the cats take turns screaming their demands. There's so much chaos that usually 1 food bowl gets spilled, which leads to a loud concert of hisses from the cats and the dog running away and banging into furniture while Ms Boissal tries to shush them. By loudly saying "SSSHHHHHHH". Then she fires up the coffee grinder, makes espresso, and frothes was sounds like a gallon of milk. Then comes bathroom time and 10 minutes with the hair drier. Then she comes back in the bedroom to say goodbye and depending on the day kneels on my or elbows me in the face.

When she doesn't work, I have my phone on vibrate as an alarm. The animals know I won't feed them and they don't budge. I make coffee at work. And I usually get a text reminded me that I dropped my coat on the way out the door and it made lots of noise.

The double standard is real.

[skaredshtles]

Ms Boissal wakes up at 5:30 when she works day shifts. The noise starts at 5:31 when the animals start clamoring for breakast. The dog runs up and down the hall with her nails chattering on the hardwood while the cats take turns screaming their demands. There's so much chaos that usually 1 food bowl gets spilled, which leads to a loud concert of hisses from the cats and the dog running away and banging into furniture while Ms Boissal tries to shush them. By loudly saying "SSSHHHHHHH". Then she fires up the coffee grinder, makes espresso, and frothes was sounds like a gallon of milk. Then comes bathroom time and 10 minutes with the hair drier. Then she comes back in the bedroom to say goodbye and depending on the day kneels on my or elbows me in the face.

When she doesn't work, I have my phone on vibrate as an alarm. The animals know I won't feed them and they don't budge. I make coffee at work. And I usually get a text reminded me that I dropped my coat on the way out the door and it made lots of noise.

The double standard is real.

Goddam your stories are GOLD, Jerry. GOLD, I tell ya.

[riser4]

I think I like my situation. We both try hard to be quiet and both accidentally make noise on an equal basis. I can be a clumsy fuck sometimes. It's my kids that thunder up and down the stairs like they are a herd of rhinos. But complain if we flip on the hall light and it shines under their door. That's when I remind them who is paying their share of the room and board.

[paulster2626]

Does your wife also consistently use the smallest knife in the block no matter what the cutting job, thus almost cutting her fingers on multiple occasions?

100% YES.

cutting grape tomatoes in half? small knife
cutting an apple? small knife
cutting carrots? small knife
cutting a head of lettuce? small knife, obviously struggling
cutting a watermelon? I can't watch!

[Meadow Skipper]

Yeah. That Odyssey battery is dumb how they buried it like that. Just be thankful it wasn't a Sebring or any other similarly stupidly engineered Chrysler/Dodge product. Ask anybody who's done the battery swap on a Journey. I've heard they are teh suckage. Couple decades ago when I worked a car dealership, my boss asked if I could swap out a dead battery on a Chrysler 300M I believe it was. Was like "Sure! No problem. I'll get right on it." Little did I know what I was in for. Some automotive engineers need a solid kick in the nuts, and then forced to do a 1 year internship at a shop before ever being allowed to design so much as 1 bolt placement on a vehicle.

I’ve had my Audi for a over year and I don’t really know where the battery is. I think it might be in back near the spare. I know it isn’t under the hood - I jumped someone with a dead battery and when I popped the hood I found two labeled terminal points and that worked.

But when I bought the car it just took one look under the hood to realize I had no business there, there was nothing I could see I could work on and I know my way around auto motors. I’ve rebuilt a few…back in the day. That’s annoying, but I guess it doesn’t have anything to do with spousal relationships.

[Diamond Joe]

O Jesus, don't get me started. She will use a steak knife to cut everything badly.

I'm so happy to hear all these knife stories. Steak knife for EVERYTHING. Doesn't matter what it is. Steak knife.

And being a knife goober we have TONS of nice santoukos and slicers and chefs knives and paring knives... nope. Steak knife.

[lowsparkco]

My first wife woke me up every day at 4:30. It was always something, forgot to close the closet door, dropped the dishwasher door, etc. etc.

Second wife picks out her clothes with her cell phone flashlight and dresses in the guest room.

Just throwing that out there.

[AK47bp]

I told my wife I want to go to the Metallica / Pantera concert in Seattle in 2024 at Lumen Field (yes they are already selling tickets).

She wants to go with me…..

I worry I’ll revert back to teenager and start high-stepping while throwing elbows in the mosh pit and she’ll divorce me.

Not sure what to do. I can’t sit in my seat and toe tap.

First world problems.


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[skaredshtles]

I though Metallica was dead?

[AK47bp]

I though Metallica was dead?

Apparently not. And the set list looks ridiculous.

Mostly Kill’em All, Ride the Lightning, Justice for All, and Master of Puppets. None of that newer garbage.


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[yeahman]

Ms Boissal wakes up at 5:30 when she works day shifts. The noise starts at 5:31 when the animals start clamoring for breakast. The dog runs up and down the hall with her nails chattering on the hardwood while the cats take turns screaming their demands. There's so much chaos that usually 1 food bowl gets spilled, which leads to a loud concert of hisses from the cats and the dog running away and banging into furniture while Ms Boissal tries to shush them. By loudly saying "SSSHHHHHHH". Then she fires up the coffee grinder, makes espresso, and frothes was sounds like a gallon of milk. Then comes bathroom time and 10 minutes with the hair drier. Then she comes back in the bedroom to say goodbye and depending on the day kneels on my or elbows me in the face.

When she doesn't work, I have my phone on vibrate as an alarm. The animals know I won't feed them and they don't budge. I make coffee at work. And I usually get a text reminded me that I dropped my coat on the way out the door and it made lots of noise.

The double standard is real.

Funny af Boissal!!

[old goat]

Ms Boissal wakes up at 5:30 when she works day shifts. The noise starts at 5:31 when the animals start clamoring for breakast. The dog runs up and down the hall with her nails chattering on the hardwood while the cats take turns screaming their demands. There's so much chaos that usually 1 food bowl gets spilled, which leads to a loud concert of hisses from the cats and the dog running away and banging into furniture while Ms Boissal tries to shush them. By loudly saying "SSSHHHHHHH". Then she fires up the coffee grinder, makes espresso, and frothes was sounds like a gallon of milk. Then comes bathroom time and 10 minutes with the hair drier. Then she comes back in the bedroom to say goodbye and depending on the day kneels on my or elbows me in the face.

When she doesn't work, I have my phone on vibrate as an alarm. The animals know I won't feed them and they don't budge. I make coffee at work. And I usually get a text reminded me that I dropped my coat on the way out the door and it made lots of noise.

The double standard is real.

Well, enjoy the morning peace and quiet now, while you still can.