The TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away (Country Western Song)

[Buster Highmen]

An obnoxiously rhymed tale of Verbier->La Grave->Chamonix->Andermatt->Airolo->Madesimo->Corvatsch (St. Moritz)->Andermatt in 15 days.

Well my wife ran off with my dog
And my truck engine is blown
So I headed off to ski Yurope
Seeing how I was down

On my way to the airport
I picked up some Cheez Whiz spread
To go with my new outfit
It's Orange - a rhyming dread

On my way through the security scanner
The TSA dude grabbed the jar
Of the dairy byproduct mystery
And this he said from afar:

"This heayah jars a threat
"To our national security
"And to our bodily fluids
"Not to mention our liberty

"I'm taking your jar of Cheez Whiz
"Even if it's not aerosol
"So get on out of heayah
"Before you go in the body search stall

So I left the security area
And I knew I couldn't be wrong
That this incident would give me
A new hit Country Song

********************************
Oh the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Yes the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away

I was troubled and downcast
As I headed to the gate
What was I to do
To get some orange and not be late?

With my Spirit Animal Cheez Whiz
Back in the security trash can
What other orange food byproduct
Could I get now in post scan?

I searched the snack food items
To replace my lost Cheez Whiz
I wander in search of a totem
From neon lit biz to biz

And then it struck me clearly
From a Frito-Lay Display
A Cheeto was what I needed
To clear the air today


So I accepted the Flying Cheeto
As my new Spirit Animal
And I climbed into my seat
And set off for the Swiss Capitol.

On landing in Geneva
My entry was in the lurch
For in my luggage did customs
Perform an illegal cheese search.

********************************
Oh the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Yes the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away

For those Yuros are protective
Of the fine cuisine they eat
And won't tolerate abberations
In cheese or mystery meat

In time the douaniers
Became mostly satisfied
And into a Swiss train
My cheetos and I did slide

So on to Martigny
Where Mulletizer picked me up
And wound up into Verbier
To sit and drink and sup.

The next day dawned stormy
With a foot or more of fresh
So on up to old Savoleyres
We did a powdah sesh


From Savoleyres To Attelas
But not Gele - it's closed
We rallied powdah turns
And faced the powdah hosed

Vallon d'Arby looked awesome
But for time we were quite stressed
And instead raged around Tortin
And Oh man I'm impressed.


Then across a traverse wicked
Into a col we poled
And into more deep powder
In the Col des Mines I'm told



********************************
Oh the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Yes the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away

The Col des Mines was awesome
In shin deep pow we played
Then back to get Ms. Mulletizer
And off for more pow we made



After shredding across 2 vallees
We sat down to a feast
And dranked and talked and laughed
The apricot schnapps not the least.

On rising next morn early
At 5 or so no more
We packed the car and headed
To the bakeries back door



There met by steam a curling
From croissants freshly baked
On down past Martigny
Old Mulletizer deftly braked

Then on to the Autoroute
In early France we rolled
And recounted fond memories
Of La Grave, that land extolled.


By 10 we were ensconsed
In the telepherique parking lot
And laughing ladies shouted "ouvre la bouche"
And spritzes of Chartreuse we got

********************************
Oh the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Yes the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away

So up into La Meije
We lifted one again
It's been so long last I did this
At least 7 years and 10



The Vallon it skied so sweet
And so did the Chancel side
It was only yesterdays powder
The source of Ecrins pride.


Then on to the birthday party
At the Refugio Chancel
It's Fils' 40th birthday
And man did he give them hell


From Pot au Feu to Genepi
We ate and drank and talked
Until the Euro Disco
At midnight that I balked


Those thumping Euro crazies
Dancing shirtless did perspire
So I huddled away in my bunk
But some earplugs I did desire






On morn the wasted partiers
Did gently break their fast
With coffee, cake and liquor
Their sobriety did not last.

[Buster Highmen]

********************************
Oh the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Yes the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away

We stuffed our packed with bottles
And carefully skied to P1
To download those and kegs
One attached to Mulletizer's bum


Then the rest of the day we ratted
All around that sacred ground
Until the wind came up
and the snow it started down

Then Mulletizer had to go
Back to the land of dad
And then I got a message
That made me oh so glad

Darshan from Chamonix
Was heading down La Grave Way
And the snow it closed in hard
Promising next a powder day.

When Darshan he did arrive
We wandered around the town
Up to the old Church
And La Neige it did come down.

Next day it dawned bright blue
With 30 cm and more
And Risque d'Avalanche just at 3
Instead of a dreaded 4.


********************************
Oh the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Yes the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away

And so we railed the Vallon
Not once, not twice, but 4
Not just from top to P1
But from top to the Valley Floor

That way the day was spent
Lone raging pow in steep chutes
And spent the night wandering imbibing
Of meat and cheese and fruits



Next day it broke bright blue again
And this day was the treat
They opened up the poma
Up on the high Girose teat.



5 Girose laps we made in bitter cold
The pow was thigh deep and light
We skied until the sun was down
And set to drive at night

Along the Romanche we began to roll
When a slapping sound did tell
That tire pressure along a ledge
Was really not doiung well.

So curse and thrash above the rage
Of the river far below
We dug out headlamps and did replace
A flat tire in that snow.

********************************
Oh the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Yes the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away

Later in Cham sushi was had
Before a drink or two
Then off to snooze a z or so
While in more snow it blew.

On waking my pal Darshan
Was feeling not so well
So off he sent me to Grands-Montets
Where pow that day did dwell.


No lines, no crowds was this the place
I've heard in stories all?
All day I got the ball massage
From powder deep and tall.

Next day from Argentiere to Lavancher
We rode the chowder light
Teetering o'er the cliffs and drops
Until the time was right







To Vallorcine I got a ride
And rolled past Gornergrat
On and on into the night
Finally to old Andermatt





********************************
Oh the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Yes the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away

There Birdo met me at the train
And set me up in time
And introduced me to his girlfriend Serighna
I couldn't help but rhyme

Next day brought storm on the Gemstock
But old Danny knew a sleaze
On through the Gotthard Tunnel we drove
To ski Airolo Trees



Airolo was meters deep in snow
And much too much they had
82 cm that night
Tits deep the skiing's rad.

The lower tram and half a drag
Were all the lifts in play
Steep hidden trees face deep in snow
Was all we did that day.




By evening a plan was laid
To head for more deep snow
Off to a corner of Italy
A place called Madesimo.

Past Lake Como and Lugano did we drive
In Birdos faithful van
Past Chiavenna and Campodolcino
Was the driving plan.

********************************
Oh the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Yes the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away

In blinding snow, on tiny curves
Through tunnels small and old
Up to a land of Baker deep
The snow it lay in fold



On mornings entry the story stays
Too much snow for lifts on high
Over breakfast did we kvetch
And moan and whine and sigh.



So the lower trees did we ski
In tits deep snow again
And in the gondy did we make
A new friend Italien

We queried Robbie as to routes
He seemd the skier d00d.
He cautioned us as to the dangers
And beckoned us to food.

So after laps of chest deep snow
To his clear yurt we went
Below the Larici gondy
The transparent circular tent.

He plied us with wine and meat
And cheeses and breads and fruit
But when it came time to pay
He became a stubborn mute

********************************
Oh the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Yes the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away

Refused to take our Euros
Or hear of renumeration
The only thing he would take
Was good vibes in compensation

In that afternoon, the freezing levels did rise
And at the bottom: rain.
From wet and slop one emotion arose
And that was of disdain.

So into the van we hopped and drove
Down into Chiavenna town
And wandered streets and alleyways
But the weather had us down



Too North, there was too little snow
Too south there was too much
We scanned the options in between
For just the right snow touch

Sankt Moritz was an option told
The Engadin positioned well
For storms to dump while staying cold
The snow deep and light and swell

On to the Swiss border
Where they didn't like our styles
And questioned us and took our passports
Before we got any more Swiss miles

********************************
Oh the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Yes the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away

In Pontresina, rooms were tight
So to a pensione we rolled
And found that to our delight
There was price and comfort extolled.

Sankt Moritz has lifts abound
To the Corvatsch we drove
The Swiss Precision managed well
The snow that lay in loads






Couloirs, pillows, rolling meadows
Filled with tits deep fluff
Goggles packed, beards encrusted
All the perfect stuff.

West backside couloir slayed
With sloughs and spooks galore
By end of day I'm cooked and done
What can one want for more?

The long drive back to Andermatt
Is cold and dark and gloom.
Landing back at Gasthaus Sternen
All too glad for bed and room.


Last day in Andermatt is blown
With Gemstock still in storm
So pow was ripped and glad tiding shared
At Natschen as is norm.

By 2 the storm had shut
The draglifts even there
So the time had come to pack and leave
And head off elsewhere.

My only regret
Is not roaming East
To ski just a bit
With the IBK TR-tistes

********************************
Oh the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Took My Cheez Whiz Away
Yes the TSA Took My Cheez Whiz Away

[Buster Highmen]

pictures forthcoming...

[BigDaddy]

Damn glad they took your cheez whiz away...


the world is safer and TGR is funner.

[Hugh Conway]

Sounds grand, next time

[Buster Highmen]

pics added

[Buster Highmen]

Also: thanks to Birdo for all his awesome driving guiding and organizing. If you need some organizational assistance, try his folks at:

http://www.andermatt-guides.ch/en/

[GoldMember]

Hmmm.... couldn't sleep on the plane flight back?? What melody is that to?

Looks like you got Cheetos dust all over your ski clothes..

Geneva's the capitol now? Huh, who knew?

Ingenious TR; very entertaining. Looks like an awesome trip! Thanks for sharing (and entertaining).

[hortence]

Mr. Highmen,

The Sub-Committee for Threat Assessment at the TSA (a wholly owned subsidiary of the RAMJAC Corporation) has reviewed your case concerning the unfortunate CheezWiz incident. Following are our preliminary concerns and conclusions:

1: Your taste in musical genres is execrable. The meter, phrasing and syntax are all wrong for the country genre. We suggest cleaning your ears and giving this a listen if you are going to insist on composing.



2. While your ear for dialog is commendable, we note that you neglected to render, in lyric form, the episode where your wide stance in the men's room stall alarmed patrons. When security found you, you were surrounded by spent cans of Reddi-Whip and were visibly disoriented. Thus contrary to several stanzas above, you caused our highly trained Security Facilitators to suspect that the can of Cheez-Wiz was a form of mind altering substance. As you know, pursuant to E.O. [REDACTED], titled [REDACTED] such Bad Things have been declared a palpable threat to our nation's national security.

3. We are concerned that your caviler attitude toward our Nation's National Security is a threat to our Nation's National Security. Therefore you are hearby ORDERED and COMPELLED to report to the nearest Processing and Re-Education Center for further processing and reeducation, until your threat to our Nation's Security is neutralized.

Yours in Service to Our Nation's Security
Manuel Isidro Orozco Manrique de Lara,
Deputy Assistant Under Secretary For Dissident Oversight and Compliance (acting)
TSA/DEFSEC/NATSEC/HMLND
(a proud member of the RAMJAC Corporate Family)

[Meathelmet]

Absolutely splendid!

[bigAK]

Hark, a Highmen TR! Looks like a great trip...

[stuckathuntermtn]

"The TSA Took My Cheez-Whiz Away" sounds like a funny take off on The Ramones. Looks like a good trip!

The TSA took my cheez-whiz away
they took it away
away from meeee

The TSA took my cheez-whiz away
they took it away
away from meee

[garyfromterrace]

Buster, you really did it this time!
Well played sir, well played. A TR that
other TR's can be measured against to judge their worthiness.

[_Aaron_]

Goddamn TSA.

[Buster Highmen]

Buster, you really did it this time!
Well played sir, well played. A TR that
other TR's can be measured against to judge their worthiness.

So...howzabouta longbored day this year?

[Buster Highmen]

Updated Airolo photos.

[Buster Highmen]

Here's to photobucket.
Verbier->La Grave->Chamonix->Andermatt->Airolo->Madesimo->Corvatsch (St. Moritz)->Andermatt in 15 days.

[Buster Highmen]

^bump^

[Mr. Mike]

^bump^

damn, that looks like a good trip. January? Let's replicate some of that itinerary and do it 2022.

[ill-advised strategy]

Took his cheez whiz away
He don’t need it anyway
With cheesy songs
And rippin bongs
Skiin’ deep pow every day

[Core Shot]

Fuck that’s awesome

If Europe accepts cheeze whiz, the world will be a better place.

Gruyere in a can? I’m a fan
Camembert in a dispenser? So much more pleasenter
Brie en boite? So hot