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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
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    A Chamonix of the Mind
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    3,656

    TR: A Winter's Tale (aka Vacation Slides From Some Asshole)

    Friends,

    Welcome to my Winter's Tale. There might be some actual skiing and grand adventures in here before the curtain falls on the season. Or it might just be pictures of underexposed Colorado windjack and boring personal shit that is of interest to nobody but myself. In other words, like any other vacation slide show by some asshole you don't know. If this proves to be more of the latter as time passes, feel free to start an argument about whether Obama was really born in Kenya or what he knew about Benghazi, and move the whole sad and stokeless mess to PolyAsshat.

    2013 was one of those seasons where I kept skiing into June until the snow ran out, skiing off the summits of 14ers and dirt layer patches with friends. . . .



    watching them stumbling across raging spring creeks in their bare feet, secretly hoping to witness an icy and harmless plunge. . .



    So as the summer and autumn months passed I grew more excited for the unfinished business and the potential adventures of this winter. But before we got aboard the snow express, we decided to grasp at the last few straws of warmth and sunshine. Camping at Dry Tortugas. . . .



    But 5 days later we were getting freshies in ColoRADo. . . . .





    But eventually it was time to depart for Old Europe, as Don Rumsfeld calls it. It was time for a family holiday! Coordinating these is sometimes difficult for us because we can't always agree on where we should go and just end up doing our own things. Here is an example of one of my vacation discussions with the wife . . . .



    However, this time it was my wife and myself. . .



    and my son. . . .



    Like any family vacation, there were joyous times filled with fine living and chilled Siberian vodkas. . . .



    There were petty squabbles and marital glares and airing of grievances and the the agony of defeat. . . .



    I was interested to take my son to the Alps and just do some mountain living. I wanted him to experience everything I have enjoyed and been tormented by for years. Just last March he was young and innocent, skiing the groomers of Taos. . . .



    But death comes to all things, including innocence. It comes with an icy claw while you twist over the void at the end of a frayed rope, your partner swept off the north face and your mangled and frozen hands too useless to thread the rope through your belay device. As the last drops of your human strength ebb from your body and your inner light is about to be extinguished, you think about everybody who ever loved you but never understood you, about the guides racing from the valley who will never reach you in time. Fuck half of them anyway, those gutless assholes who claimed to have repeated your testpieces even though they did them in fatter conditions and rapped from the end of the 18th pitch before the real gnarly shit even started.

    You spin on the rope as it rubs against a granite edge. You think about the tourists down there complaining about their continental breakfast, their only act of courage in life perhaps daring to be honest with their vicious bovine wives about how they really look in those pre-baby jeans. People will gather in a pub and tell stories and raise toasts in your honor and one of them might even tell everyone you died doing what you loved. Dead is dead and then the game is over forever, whether it happens at the hand of a drunk driver on a suspended license or rapping off the end of a rope in the Karakoram sunshine. And now that my son was 8 it was time for him to learn such hard lessons. I knew the Alps would be a fine instructor.




    We begin our tale in Rome . . . .



    Rome is a fine place to visit if like me, you are a fan of debauchery and cruelty. If, also like me, you suffer from that common sexual dysfunction where you can only get a full erection by strangling a black cat to death, then may I suggest the Colosseum? The place is crawling with them!



    And don't feel bad about indulging in some good old-fashioned erectile cat-choking, roughly 8,000 men were killed every year in the Colosseum at its zenith. Titus killed 5,000 ostriches and giraffes and other exotic animals in a single day when he opened the place to great fanfare. Emperor Commodus killed 100 bears here in a single day with spears, afterall! Of course, then he was assassinated by his mistress and commander of the guard. In their defense he HAD gotten drunk and passed out at lunch, carelessly leaving his plans to have them murdered laying out on a table. Finally, the entire place was paid for by the looting and destruction of Jerusalem. Against this grand backdrop of death, what are a few stray dead felines in the name of pleasure in the grand scheme of things?

    But where was I? Oh right, Roma!! It is where I would go if I wanted to impregnate my best friend's wife. Or murder someone. Murder them the proper and elegantly old-fashioned way, with a poisoned chalice or a long glittering dagger, not the boring American way where you have a domestic dispute and later claim your Glock went off while you were showing the missus how to clean it properly. Please follow me along the Tiber at midnight as we continue this segment of our Winter's Tale. . .

    "Buy the Fucking Plane Tickets!"
    -- Jack Tackle

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
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    A Chamonix of the Mind
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    3,656
    Placeholder for the next chapter, where the author wanders around Rome and the Vatican and finds that many things in the Eternal City remind him of the TGR Forums. . .

    "Buy the Fucking Plane Tickets!"
    -- Jack Tackle

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    North Vancouver/Whistler
    Posts
    13,985
    Wish I could write half as well or imaginatively as you

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    2,620
    I got to a point where I felt like I was reading Mark Twight. Then the next picture was an 8 year old reading Mark Twight. Learn 'em early!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    OOTAH
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    3,939
    Quote Originally Posted by LeeLau View Post
    Wish I could write half as well or imaginatively as you
    Seriously, you have a gift.... Thanks for sharing it with us.
    Samuel L. Jackson as Jules Winnfield: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration?

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
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    da eskalaterz
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    1,200
    Shit like this, combined with your fine work as the EHA, and my man crush knows no bounds...

    It got weird in here, didn't it...sorry.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
    Location
    closer
    Posts
    5,668
    My opinion on your TR:weisome. a mixture of weird and awesome.
    It's a war of the mind and we're armed to the teeth.

  8. #8
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    London
    Posts
    345
    yes.

    more please
    The beatings will continue until morale will improve.

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Upstate
    Posts
    9,674
    A veritable virtuoso of pithy vernacular. More female skin please.

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Posts
    7,167
    I knew it had to be papa

    rog

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Oct 2009
    Location
    Southern NH
    Posts
    4,286
    The savior has returned ...



    Sent from my SCH-I535 using TGR Forums
    The Passion is in the Risk

  12. #12
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Location
    At the beach
    Posts
    19,067
    Mor plez
    Quote Originally Posted by leroy jenkins View Post
    I think you'd have an easier time understanding people if you remembered that 80% of them are fucking morons.
    That is why I like dogs, more than most people.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Pico, VT
    Posts
    3,979
    The TR is BACK baby... and I LOVE IT
    "Whenever I get a massage, I ALWAYS request a dude." -lionelhutz

    "You can't shave off stupid." -lionelhutz

    "I was hoping for ice." -lionelhutz

    "It's simple science." -lionelhutz

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Dela Where?
    Posts
    236
    Please, sir, may I have some more?
    I ski because it releases my mind from the tyranny of petty things.

    "This deep snow makes my skis stupid!"

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    A Chamonix of the Mind
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    3,656
    A Winter's Tale, Part II. . . .

    Rome Continued. . .





    It is difficult to appreciate ancient history properly unless you can be there to see and touch its crumbling remnants. Sure you can read about it in books but it is a fine thing to sit on the ground and drink cheap chianti on the spot where someone was murdered in 94. Not '94, like Ron Goldman and Jeffrey Dahmer and Kurt Cobain. But 94. The Roman Empire almost didn't survive its infancy - at Cannae, Hannibal killed 45,000 Romans fairly quickly even though their Army was twice the size of his own. At least 80 Senators died in battle fighting the Carthaginians. . . this being the day when aristocratic elites actually fought and died in battle and didn't just dictate pompous tweets and send poor kids to fight instead. If you pay attention and look closely and are an observant tourist, signs of that ancient civilization are everywhere. Like these ancient words from 12 AD . . . .



    Even the "not so ancient" history is fairly interesting. 500 years ago, Guilia Tofana lived on the top floor of this building. . . .



    She was a "professional poisoner" (LinkedIn could use a few more of those) specializing in helping poor women get rid of assholes. Her tasteless odorless liquid was sought by desperate wives, who came from all over the country for a bottle of her "husband poison." She was responsible for the deaths of over 600 men, specializing in helping women with shitty, self-absorbed husbands. TGR would've been decimated!

    In the end, she was executed with her daughter in Campo de Fiori and some of her accomplices in distributing the recipe were bricked inside dungeons and left to die alone and in the dark. They tossed her corpse over the fence of the church that had tried to hide her for a few days. I live mostly in Denver, where the history is stuff like, "See that parking garage? Back in the day there was an apartment building in that spot where Allen Ginsberg sucked Neal Cassady's cock." So the fact that in Rome you can wander around and see where Michelangelo lived is quite refreshing!

    Another one of the reasons I love Italy. They half-ass everything. It's hard to imagine the Swiss running a couple of fucking extension cords over their national treasures. . . .



    Also, little kids can fire handguns and win bottles of champagne in Piazza Navona. But don't forget the safety glasses! . . . .



    I am not a religious person. All the time added together in my entire life that I have contemplated the existence of God works out to about two and a half hours, or roughly the amount of time it would take you to watch the BluRay Director's Cut of "Weekend at Bernie's 2." Including the DVD extras where Andrew McCarthy rants and raves about the International Zionist Banking Conspiracy. But I have to admit that after a week in Rome I was thinking about taking vows of poverty and chastity and spending my life serving Him.



    All I would ask is for a 160 gig iPod filled with all my favorites. And ear buds, obviously. An iPod is worthless without ear buds. Otherwise, I would relinquish everything and live in monkish devotion. What need would I have for endless tech binding debates? I would spend my life looking for a greater truth! I mean, if there is a greater truth than "Which AT Boot Should I Buy?" and "Can Dynafits Be Skied in the Resort?"



    My kid heard that Pope Francis had a bowling alley installed in the Vatican behind this door but he was too weak to open it. So I doubled his burpee regimen. Pain is just weakness leaving your body!!!



    Another thing, I noted was that Rome and the Vatican really bore a striking similarity to TGR.

    Everywhere I looked I was reminded of. . .

    The convivality and intellectualitynessity of the Padded Room. . . Old Larry introduced loafers shortly after this painting was completed. . .



    Political Asshattery. The vindication of ideological viewpoints at any cost! . . . .



    Discussions about this year's annointed and preferred ski-maker . . . .



    Also there were TGR denizens like. . .

    Klar. . .



    Rog. . . .



    Splat. . . .



    Probably about 80% of the dudes on this site. . . .



    We stopped by Hugh Conway's Embassy to the Vatican but nobody answered. . . .



    Everybody has a statue in Rome, from anti-fascists poets of Trestevere to angels and everyone in between. . .





    However, with an incoming meter in 24 hours forecasted for the Dolomites, I quickly rediscovered my atheism and it was time to head north and catch the 10:15 to Bolzano.



    PRO TIP - Italian grandmothers do NOT like it when you whack them in the head with one end of your ski bag while dragging all your shit onto the train. I wanted to say. . .

    "But Nonna, these aren't just skis!! These are the most versatile 100mm underfoot package ever designed! They deliver flawless on-edge and off-edge performance and the ability to get creative through their Rockwell 48 edges and burly UHMW sidewalls! They utilize 3D Paddletech Technology! They are constructed of nanotech resins and prepeg carbon laminates so when I accidentally strike you in the face with them it's like being kissed by a feather from the pillow of Christ!

    I wanted to tell her all this but my Italian wasn't good enough. Also, I didn't know what any of it meant, myself!!
    Last edited by JoeStrummer; 01-14-2014 at 10:16 AM.
    "Buy the Fucking Plane Tickets!"
    -- Jack Tackle

  16. #16
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Location
    tourin BC
    Posts
    2,773
    Another thing, I noted was that Rome and the Vatican really bore a striking similarity to TGR.

    " She was responsible for the deaths of over 600 men, specializing in helping women with shitty, self-absorbed husbands. TGR would've been decimated!

    good thing none of our girlfriends wives check this site eh ???

    absolutely brilliant !!!

    do I get a mention too ???
    We, the RATBAGGERS, formally axcept our duty is to trigger avalaches on all skiers ...

  17. #17
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    Boulder
    Posts
    64
    most excellent! I need to go to Roma.

  18. #18
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Chamonix/Franconia, NH
    Posts
    1,492
    Hilarious. Waiting for the fine dining part and naturally the epic pow skiing...

  19. #19
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Location
    Couloirfornia
    Posts
    8,871
    Fucking great man. Thanks.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ernest_Hemingway View Post
    I realize there is not much hope for a bullfighting forum. I understand that most of you would prefer to discuss the ingredients of jacket fabrics than the ingredients of a brave man. I know nothing of the former. But the latter is made of courage, and skill, and grace in the presence of the possibility of death. If someone could make a jacket of those three things it would no doubt be the most popular and prized item in all of your closets.

  20. #20
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Vinyl Valley
    Posts
    1,806
    Thanks, Joe Strummer.

    You write words good, and pictures!

  21. #21
    Join Date
    Oct 2003
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    closer
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    5,668
    if this second post is the pinacle of TRing, does your next post lift us all into the glittering void of the TRverse?
    edit for "klar butchering us all" bonus points
    It's a war of the mind and we're armed to the teeth.

  22. #22
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    360
    I was thoroughly entertained. Thanks, Mr. Strummer

  23. #23
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Vanity Fair
    Posts
    2,720
    Quote Originally Posted by JoeStrummer View Post
    Klar. . .

    Quote Originally Posted by subtle plague View Post
    "klar butchering us all"
    I am quite proud of that particular achievement and made sure to have it well documented. Fucking Holofernes so had it coming.





    This is my favourite picture of the occasion:

    Ich bitte dich nur, weck mich nicht.

  24. #24
    Hugh Conway Guest
    No A Gentileschi?



    muy gracias for the TR mr. strummer

  25. #25
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    Vanity Fair
    Posts
    2,720
    oh, sure, here you go. I look a bit bored there though.

    Ich bitte dich nur, weck mich nicht.

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